The filthy truth behind M&M's

There are some things in this world that just bug the hell out of me.

One of those things is how cheap, nasty milk chocolate simply dominates the desert and candy industries. That garbage has only grown in popularity since I was a kid and it appears that no end is in site. I well remember a few years ago when my wife made a beautiful cheesecake and then dumped filthy, disgusting chocolate all over it.

I could have cried. I might have cried, in fact.

At any rate, the most vile invention in the already evil chocolate world is M&M's. That slop is the Chicken McNuggets of the chocolate world -- candy made with the cheapest crap available but one that has thrived thanks to an insidious marketing campaign.

Ah, but there's a nasty little secret to M&M's -- that particularly anti-American and environmentally unsound candy was originally developed by the Nazis. Yes, the Mars Company folks (those filthy dogs!) like to claim that stuff was made available to U.S. soldiers in World War II.

That's partially true. M&M's were developed by Hitler's Germany for the express purpose of crushing the morale of American troops. Thanks to a handy tool over at the Mars (those filthy dogs!) Internet site, I was able to design some custom M&M's so that they appear exactly as they did when Hitler and his boys were flinging them at our troops.

Yeah, that's right. Those horrible things were tossed at hungry American troops and bore such messages as "Sieg Hiel!" and "Hitler is great." Go ahead and take a look at the authentic reproductions of the original M&M's at the top of this post. The folks at Mars (those filthy dogs!) should be ashamed of themselves for participating in such madness and actively attempting to undermine the Allies.

We all know that little Forrest Mars got in a spat with his daddy and sulked around Europe prior to World War II, right? The folks at Mars (those filthy dogs!) will tell you that Forrest came up with the Mars Bar and M&M's while he was throwing his hissy fit and he put those in production when he came back to the U.S.

That story is only half true. What was Forrest really doing in Europe? He was working on a candy bomb for the Nazis -- a treat that would explode when broken with a tooth and wipe out platoons of soldiers. We are somewhat fortunate that Forrest scrapped his candy bomb plans and fell back on simply making his evil, awful and nauseating M&M's.

He failed to make a candy bomb, so he went for the next best thing -- a piece of low-grade chocolate covered by the same candy shell that graces Drixoral tablets. The hard shell was essential, see, because it was durable enough so that the Nazis could stamp their propaganda directly on it.

Yeah, go ahead and call me crazy. However, just remember this -- whenever you eat an M&M, you're enjoying a treat that was developed by the Nazis. Don't fall for slick marketing campaigns featuring "cute" pieces of talking candy. Put down those M&M's and pick up a good, American treat instead.

Will Conan suffer the same fate as Leno?

Conan O'Brien, at long last, made his debut Monday as the new host of The Tonight Show.

I was glad to see Jay Leno go, but I can't help but wonder if O'Brien will suffer the former host's fate. Years ago, Leno was a rising young comedian who was an absolute hoot.

Ah, but he took over The Tonight Show from Johnny Carson and became, well, boring. His hyperactivity and unpredictability was toned down and the man became annoying conservative in his approach -- Leno went from a unique comedian to a man who seemed petrified of taking any chances. Leno, upon taking over from Carson, immediately became predictable, trite and more than a bit boring.

Well, Leno's gone and along comes O'Brien. An irreverent fellow who thrived on the absurd and making fun of himself at any given opportunity. Some of the old Conan was present during his Tonight Show debut, but there was something else there, too -- everything just felt, well, so scripted.

When O'Brien hosted Late Night, the whole thing was a mess. Yes, it was a lot of fun, but it was a sloppy mess, nonetheless. Things rarely felt so "scripted," you know? That same feel just wasn't present on Monday night. Yes, the show kicked off with O'Brien making a "to do" list of things to do prior to taking over for Leno. Ah, but wait! He forgot to move to Los Angeles, so we had that play out for a bit prior to Conan's arrival and blah, blah, blah. It seemed just too slick, too well rehearsed. So unlike an O'Brien skit, in fact.

You had to be watching to get the full impact, of course. Oh well.

What was disturbing and can be described is that drummer Max Weinburg -- the man who's banter with Conan was always a highlight of the old show -- was pushed to the background. Andy Richter was back in the fold (he was with O'Brien during the early days of Late Night,) but he was shoved in the background, too. That left us with just O'Brien -- a man who's funny as hell but does need some lackeys to bounce things off of from time to time. Those lackeys were pushed to the background, and that just made things less (seemingly, of course) spontaneous.

At least Pearl Jam showed up and kicked ass.

Hopefully, O'Brien will get more comfortable in his role as host of The Tonight Show and get back to his old shenanigans. I sure hope so. Otherwise, late night on NBC will be pretty much pointless. Jimmy Fallon is busily wrecking O'Brien's old show, so I at least hope Conan returns to form on The Tonight Show.

We'll just have to see, huh?