We may be in for a break this week as the stars will be busy observing their We Are Great festival.
If you’ve not heard of that festival, I’m not a bit surprised. Dr. Zodiac – our resident soothsayer, master of the occult and general purpose mystic – claims the stars hate us and wouldn’t invite any human to the event. The stars spend about a week talking about how great they are and it seems that festival is one that relaxes them a bit. Perhaps they’ll be so happy they’ll forget to torment us for the next few days. We can only hope.
At any rate, let’s see what the stars have in store for us this week, shall we?
Aries
Mar 21-Apr 19
You will spend the whole week learning new things. That’s a good thing, Aries, as you never know what kind of handy bits of information you’ll pick up over the next few days. You should never stop learning. I, the famed Dr. Zodiac, learned something new last week. It turns out the stars are immortal and generally only end their existence by going nova out of spite. I hope you learn something equally fascinating this week. Your lucky number this week is niner.
Taurus
Apr 20-May 20
Remember when you were young and you just couldn’t wait to grow up, get a job and go out into the world? That was pretty stupid, wasn’t it? Make sure to tell your kids to enjoy being young while they still can. If our kids can’t learn from our mistakes, what good are we?
Your lucky number this week is 75. 
Gemini
May 21-Jun 21
What on earth happened to January and February? I mean, seriously – this year is going by fast, isn’t it? Prepare to get caught off guard as events that seemed far away are suddenly staring you in the face. I’d buy a couple of calendars if I were you.
Your lucky number this week is 366. 
Cancer
Jun 22-Jul 22
Leap year always stinks. It means we’ll have an extra day in February to confuse us and we’ll have to put up with another election season. For you, leap year means that you’ll be annoyed with something minor such as a paper cut or an awful lunch on February 29. Good luck and just remember – you’ll be annoyed and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Your lucky number this week is 29. 
Leo
Jul 23-Aug 22
You will start to question the accuracy of my horoscopes, Leo. Don’t do it. Bear in mind that these forecasts come directly from the stars themselves and they are never wrong. Besides, I’ll bet anyone on the planet that my horoscopes are as accurate as any of them out there. That’s a promise.
Your lucky number this week is 22 . 
Virgo
Aug 23-Sep 22
A black cat will cross your path several times this week. You may think you’ve gotten away from the cat, but there she’ll be – crossing your path yet again. You shouldn’t be so superstitious as it will be a nice cat. Perhaps you should feed it, keep it and name it “Lucky.” It’s a thought.
Your l
ucky number this week is 9. 
Libra
Sep 23-Oct 23
You will do something unexpected this week. That could be good or bad depending on what kind of person you are. You might invent that product that everyone will embrace and love (good thing) or you might go and start a bar fight (bad thing). The choice is yours.
Your lucky number this week is 0.
Scorpio
Oct 24-Nov 21
You don’t believe in ghosts, do you? Well, ace, all that will change this week when you’re haunted by one. Ghosts are scary but think about this – they can’t do much more than moan in torment and frighten you, can they?
Your lucky number this week is thirty-boo! 
Sagittarius
Nov 22-Dec 21
You will get a new nickname this week. Will it be something cool like T-Bone or Hammerhands or something lame like Chunk Style or Mucus Drip? I do hope it’s a good nickname because, well, you’ll be stuck with whatever it is for life.
Your lucky number this week is 214. 
Capricorn
Dec 22-Jan 19
You have a lifelong fear of being arrested and convicted for a crime you didn’t commit, don’t you? That fear will be realized, except you’ll be arrested for a crime you
did commit. Whether you’re convicted has a lot to do with whether you have a decent lawyer or not.
Your lucky number this week is 1. 
Aquarius
Jan 20-Feb 18
You really should take a vacation this week, Aquarius. Yes, you’ve been working hard and you deserve it but there’s another reason – your least favorite relative will be in town this week and that individual will want to “borrow” money from you. I hear St. Louis is nice this time of year.
Your lucky number this week is 87896. 
Pisces
Feb 19-Mar 20
Wow. Here’s a bad one. The stars didn’t get around to any sort of forecast for you this week, leaving you totally on your own. That might be OK, but you’ve been so used to the stars directing your every move that you might feel lost without their guidance. Enjoy your freedom, if you can.
Your lucky number this week is ???
