Horoscope for the month of April, 2017

Dr. Zodiac – our resident psychic and proponent of Eastern mysticism – is back in action after a couple of years of trying to sell what he describes as the most significant tool for fortune telling in the history of that entire scam industry.

I speak, of course, of the Crystal Ouija Rune Board – the device that Dr. Zodiac uses to communicate directly with The Stars so that he can convey what cruelty and/or good fortune they have in store for you. Dr. Zodiac has spent the past few years trying to sell the device to retailers and through informercials but, alas, has been unsuccessful.

Regardless, he now has some time on his hands and has agreed to put together a monthly horoscope for the two or three people who actually read this blog. So, here we go – the first horoscope in about five years from the intrepid Dr. Zodiac!

Aries

March 21-April 19

Think you’re pretty cool, don’t you, Aries? Well, The Stars say different. In fact, The Stars have one question for you. Jesus was the son of God, performed a number of miracles including totally walking on water and he rose from the dead. What have you done lately, Aries? Yeah. That’s what I though. Your lucky number this month is a big, fat 0.

Taurus

April 20-May 20

Spring is in the air but, alas, not for you. That can be good news for you, Taurus as you can take this time of not being loved to develop some new hobbies. Heck, why not develop a new skill? Why not purchase a copy of my famous Crystal Ouija Rune Board and learn to talk to The Stars just like your good friend Dr. Zodiac? Perhaps you could ask The Stars themselves why you are so unloved. Your lucky number this month is 1 (the loneliest number).

Gemini

May 21-June 20

Good news, Gemini! The Stars tell me that April will be a great month for you. Want money? You’ll have it. Want popularity? Done. Want love? They’ll be calling you Dr. Love, Gemini! Why, April will be so awesome that it might just make up for the miserable March you had. February wasn’t so great, either, come to think of it. And January… Well, at least April will be awesome. Your lucky number this month is something in the millions, you fortunate thing.

Cancer

June 21-July 22

Want to talk about irony? Your medical doctor will diagnose you as having terminal cancer. Terrifying, huh? Well, relax, Cancer – The Stars tell me that the diagnosis will be false and you will have a great malpractice case against your doctor after you run around like an idiot doing all those things you wanted to do before running out of time (spending all of your money on various things, telling your boss what you really think about him, etc.) As far as fortunes go, then, this one isn’t half bad. Your lucky number this month is 40 percent.

Leo

July 23-August 22

In the jungle – the mighty jungle – the lion might sleep tonight. Sadly, Leo, you won’t sleep well for the entire month of April. Yes, The Stars tell me that you will be stricken with a severe case of insomnia. It won’t be so bad, though. You will just have trouble driving, concentrating, holding down your job, paying attention to your loved ones, etc. Just think how great it will be when May arrives and you can sleep again. Bliss! Your lucky number this month is zzzzzzz.

Virgo

August 23-September 22

A shovel, a pinstripe suit, a pair of sandals, a chicken, a Porsche 944, a DVD copy of Smokey and the Bandit and a vintage copy of the Rubber Soul LP by the Beatles. What do all these have in common? Figure that out and you will know your fortune for April, Virgo. Yes, The Stars can be cryptic. Your lucky number this month is ???.

Libra

September 23-October 22

You will become obsessed this month with farming. Why? Only The Stars know that, but farm you will. Will you wind up with a small garden or go insane like Oliver Wendell Douglas from Green Acres and move to a farming community to pursue your obsession? That depends on how much self control you have, pilgrim. Good luck. Your lucky number this month is 7 (you know, like Sevin Dust. Get it? Get it?)

Scorpio

October 23-November 21

Uh-oh. Now you went and did it, Scorpio. You know exactly what I’m talking about, don’t you? Oh, you want me to remind you? You want me tell everyone? OK, then – here it goes. You decided last month that The Stars don’t control your future. Think they didn’t here you? You are totally wrong, Scorpio. The Stars heard you loud and clear and they are furious. I wouldn’t be in your shoes for all the tea in China. It might be best to just stay inside your house all month. Your lucky number this month is N/A.

Sagittarius

November 22-December 21

Remember last month when Scorpio was going around claiming The Stars had no control over his destiny and blah, blah, blah? You told Scorpio you didn’t think that was quite right and that turned out to be the right move.  As it happens, The Stars heard you and they have decided to reward you. You won’t be rewarded handsomely, of course, but expect April to be a little bit better than your typical month. Your lucky number this month is 3.

Capricorn

December 22-January 19

Uh-oh. Yikes. Uh, I’ve got some bad news for you, Capricorn. You’ve got some evil headed your way this month. How bad will it get? Read the Book of Job to get an idea. Of course, God gave back Job pretty much everything he lost when it was all said and done, but will you be that lucky? I wouldn’t count on it. Good luck, ace. Your lucky number this month is 666.

Aquarius

January 20-February 18

You’ve been thinking about a new career lately and it’s a good idea to pursue it. A really good idea, in fact. I would start doing that immediately. I don’t know how to tell you this, but The Stars have observed that things haven’t been going well for you at work lately and you will soon be shown the door. So, strike first Aquarius! Your lucky number this month is 940.

Pisces

February 19-March 20

Remember that homeless guy you gave $5 to a couple of months ago? That felt pretty good, didn’t it? Well, guess what – that homeless guy was in the shape he was in because The Stars wanted him to suffer. You gave him a bit of relief from that suffering, so the stars will now make you pay for that. Expect this month to be a bad one. Your lucky number this month is May 1.

Horoscope for the week of May 7

Dr. Zodiac tells me he’s gotten a new dog.

A terrier. A small puppy that’s taken up a lot of his time. In hopes of turning his mind back to important things – namely communing with the stars and producing this horoscope (for which he is paid nothing) – I’ve been giving him some dog training tips.

What’s the best way to potty train a pup? Very simple – take the little critter to bed with you and, when it squirms, you know it’s time to take it outside. Of course, there are a couple of drawbacks to this method. For one thing, you’ll wind up staggering through the house with a pup every couple of hours for at least a month until the beastie gets trained. For another, you’ll have a dog that wants to sleep under the blanket with you for the rest of its days.

So, you’ll lose a little sleep and will have a dog that is bonded to you so closely that it might stun you.  Still, it’s an effective way to potty train a dog quickly and it even works on stubborn terriers.

Ah, but enough dog advice and rambling. What do the stars have in store for you this week? Come on and find out, pilgrim.

Aries

Mar 21-Apr 19

You’ve heard that old wisdom that suggests there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues, right? You will discover that there is a certain shade of blue that’s associated with spring and there’s not much of a cure from that, either. It’s called allergy season, ace, and it’ll give you fits this time of year. Buy some Benadryl and learn to deal with it. Your lucky number this week is 50 mg.

Taurus

Apr 20-May 20

You will consider getting a hobby this week. Good for you! Here’s some advice – things like gardening, bicycling and playing tennis are great hobbies. Knife throwing, red baiting and joining a cult are not good hobbies. Good luck. Your lucky number this week is 29.

Gemini

May 21-Jun 21

Remember all those New Year’s resolutions you made? You’ve broken them all, haven’t you? Here’s some advice – make some obtainable resolutions next year. Anyone on the planet can resolve to watch less television or lose weight, but how many people can actually meat those goals? Sticking with things like giving up, say, fish sticks and canned spinach are far more realistic. Your lucky number this week is square 1.

Cancer

Jun 22-Jul 22

Do you know how one can tell that the economy is bad? The number of stray animals increases substantially. Several of those strays will find their way to your home. Be kind to them, Cancer. Someone has to do the right thing, so it might as well be you. Your lucky number this week is 57.

Leo

Jul 23-Aug

It’s tornado season, so don’t let the relative calm of this spring fool you. Those tornadoes are out there. They’re waiting and hiding. Make those preparations to avoid them, like now. Your lucky number this week is 5.

Virgo

Aug 23-Sep 22

The stars are really angry with you this week, Virgo. Now, don’t take it personally – it’s just your turn in the barrel. Now, they won’t do anything truly horrible to you this week, but you will be very annoyed. I’m talking about paper cuts, spilling lunch in your lap and that type of thing. Grin and bear it. We all have to at some point. Your lucky number this week is 820,912. 

Libra

Sep 23-Oct 23

”Scat singing” at random annoys the heck out of people, but you’ll do it anyway. Why? I’m not sure and you won’t be able to help yourself. Your sanity will return after your run around spouting nonsense such as “scooby doo whop du bah” for a week, but you will feel embarrassed at the end. And, yes, you should feel embarrassed. Oh, yes you should. Your lucky number this week is 111.

Scorpio

Oct 24-Nov 21

Do not – I repeat do not – come up with any baby names this week. Perhaps you’ve got a baby on the way. Perhaps a friend or relative is expecting. You will be put in a situation this week to come up with some baby names this week. Resist. Every one you come up with will be awful. Your lucky number this week is 664.

Sagittarius

Nov 22-Dec 21

Go see a movie on Friday night. Or go bowling. Just do anything to avoid being home at 7 p.m. this Friday. Trust me on this. You’ll be very, very sorry if you instead decide to say at home. Heed my warning, pilgrim, and plan accordingly. Your lucky number this week is 314.

Capricorn

Dec 22-Jan 19

The stars have been very vague about your forecast this week. Actually, it seems they’ve completely forgotten about you. Consider yourself lucky. Think of it as a week off from the cruel fortunes mandated by the stars and enjoy yourself. We should all be so lucky. Your lucky number this week is ???

Aquarius

Jan 20-Feb 18

That person that irritates you at work this week will be more annoying than usual. Just remember – hitting is not allowed, but minor vandalism (letting air out of that person’s tires and that sort of thing) might be OK. Proceed with caution and be mindful of those criminal mischief laws. Your lucky number this week is 99.

Pisces

Feb 19-Mar 20

It’s time you took responsibility for your behavior. Stop blaming Tourette’s syndrome on your constant profanity. You just have a potty mouth. Shame, shame! Your lucky number this week is 86.

Horoscope for the week of April 30

I was a little concerned about Dr. Zodiac last week when he failed to turn in a horoscope.

It seems the good doctor had an excellent reason for not providing a horoscope last week – his Crystal Ouija Rune Board broke, thus robbing him of his ability to talk to the stars and find out what kind of misfortune they were sending our way this week.

Of course, a phone call, email, text or singing messenger from Dr. Zodiac would have been nice. Yes, I was concerned something had happened to him, and a simple phone call could have cleared up everything.

Oh, well. Considering I’m not paying him a dime to provide a horoscope every week, I suppose I can’t complain.

What’s in store for you this week? What kind of misery will the stars inflict on you? Will they be nice for a change? Find your astrological sign and read on, pilgrim.

Aries

Mar 21-Apr 19

So, let’s see. You played by the rules and work hard, yet still struggle to pay your bills. Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen has abused substances, abused women, accused the Bush Administration of causing the Sept. 11 attacks and has generally acted like a jerk for years. He’s stinking rich and has a new television series. If that doesn’t prove that life isn’t fair, I’m not sure what will. Your lucky number this week is 15 (not that it matters).

Taurus

Apr 20-May 20

The phrase “they don’t make ‘em like they used to” will, sadly, be proven true by a building inspector taking a hard look at your home or office. Wow. Who would have guessed that plywood from China would be so awful? You should have looked for the Union label, ace. Your lucky number this week is 7.

Gemini

May 21-Jun 21

Your cat will go missing and it will take you at least three weeks to notice. Cats aren’t as much fun as some people claim, are they? Your lucky number this week is 9.

Cancer

Jun 22-Jul 22

It’s time for a new best friend and you will find one in the form of a Louisiana Catahoula leopard dog! Remember to walk it a lot and remember at least once a day how much fun it is to say Louisiana Catahoula leopard dog. Enjoy your new pet. Your lucky number this week is 13.

Leo

Jul 23-Aug

You will be the victim of a cruel hoax this week. You’ll be minding your own business when someone will drop a briefcase at your feet and say, “You know what to do.” Of course, you won’t know what to do, and that’s precisely the point. Your lucky number this week is 93.

Virgo

Aug 23-Sep 22

One of your parents (or both) will tell you something about themselves that is so shocking you’ll feel ill for a week. What is that horrible truth? Guess you get to find out for yourself. Here’s a hint, however – EWW! Your lucky number this week is 32. 

Libra

Sep 23-Oct 23

Tragedy will strike this week unless you remember a simply mantra – righty tighty, lefty loosey. You might want to make sure you’ve got a socket wrench handy this week, too. Your lucky number this week is 5/8.

Scorpio

Oct 24-Nov 21

Do you know what’s harder to give up than smoking? Fruity Pebbles. Sadly, you will learn just how true that is this week. Ah, fruity pebbles. Wish I had some right now. Your lucky number this week is 1,492.

Sagittarius

Nov 22-Dec 21

Your doctor suggested more yogurt in your diet, and you will try to cheat. Remember – frozen yogurt doesn’t have the same nutritional value as the standard, yucky stuff you’re supposed to eat. It takes a lot better, but you know exactly what your doctor meant. Your lucky number this week is 33.

Capricorn

Dec 22-Jan 19

Don’t panic. There is not a garbage strike. The folks who collect your trash have just gotten lazy. Still, they won’t charge you any less for the subpar service they provide. Welcome to life as an adult. If it all that you thought it might be? Your lucky number this week is 2.

Aquarius

Jan 20-Feb 18

Things are finally starting to go your way. Don’t overanalyze it Just enjoy it while it lasts. Those are words to live by, junior. You can thank me later. Your lucky number this week is 47,468.

Pisces

Feb 19-Mar 20

You will feel pressured into taking up with one side or another in your office’s swirling political climate. Don’t do it. Why? You’ll end up backing the wrong side. Look at it this way – if your office was the MLB, you’d root for the Pittsburgh Pirates. If you have some vacation time coming, now would be a good time to use it. Your lucky number this week is 23.

Horoscope for the week of April 16

Dr. Zodiac – our resident psychic, soothsayer and general purpose mystic – spent the entire weekend in a supernatural funk.

Why? He has learned that the stars – those mean ole critters who love picking on mankind for the fun of it – have been working on a plan to torment everyone in the state of Arkansas. That plan involves bringing in Josh McDaniels to replace the disgraced Bobby Petrino as head football coach of the Razorbacks. The good doctor said that only the stars could think of something so devious and pull the cosmic strings necessary to inspire a university to make such an insane move.

“They’re kind of like Hannibal Smith in terms of making plans come together,” Zodiac said. “Yeah, kind of like Hannibal Smith. Only evil. McDaniels? Really?”

Fortunately, Zodiac pulled himself together long enough to commune with the stars and divine our horoscopes for the week. So, what’s in store? Read on and find out for yourself.

Aries

Mar 21-Apr 19

You will spot a Frisbee with sparklers attached to it flying through the night sky and will feel compelled to tell everyone that space aliens are invading. Resist that urge. Flying saucers look nothing like that and, what’s more, you’d be surprised to learn that you’ve probably seen one before and didn’t realize it. Trust me on this. Your lucky number this week is 9.

Taurus

Apr 20-May 20

They stopped publishing the Weekly World News five years ago and you’ve been lost since then. After all, you learned that Dick Cheney was a robot, that the C.I.A. had infiltrated al-Qaueda with an intelligent spy cat and relied on the Weekly World News to tell you which presidential candidates should get your vote. With your primary source of news gone, where can you turn? Fortunately for you, there’s always The Onion. Give it a look. Your lucky number this week is 36.

Gemini

May 21-Jun 21

No, you’re not paranoid. You actually are being watched. That’s right – followed, monitored, stalked, etc. People used to just harass people through anonymous phone calls, but those days are over thanks to caller ID. That’s good. Now, people who want to keep tabs on you are forced to sneak around and observe you directly. That’s bad, but it is progress, isn’t it? Your lucky number this week is 90.

Cancer

Jun 22-Jul 22

You will come to the realization that you spend too much time playing video games. Here’s the question – is that really a problem? There are worse things you could do in your spare time, such as abusing various substances, cheating on a spouse/significant other or volunteering to work in a political campaign. So, play on and stop feeling guilty. Your lucky number this week is 27.

Leo

Jul 23-Aug

If that cop sees you talking on your cell phone while driving one more time – just one more time – he will throw you under the jail. The call can wait until you’re car is stopped, can’t it? Your lucky number this week is 99.

Virgo

Aug 23-Sep 22

You will realize the truth this week – Elvis was underrated as an actor. This realization will strike you when you happen across Blue Hawaii by mistake, resist the impulse to change the channel and then laugh your fool head off. Rock-a-hula, Baby. Your lucky number this week is 45. 

Libra

Sep 23-Oct 23

The truth will hit you like a ton of bricks – M&Ms are truly awful. Yes, they are the Chicken McNuggets of the chocolate world and there’s no getting around it. You may attempt to spread the word about M&Ms, but will be greeted by silence at best, disdain at worse. Take comfort in the fact that you, at least, know the truth. Your lucky number this week is 81.

Scorpio

Oct 24-Nov 21

A lot of people have second (or third) thoughts about their careers, but you’re different – you really should have been a veterinarian. It’s probably too late to do anything about it now, so live with it. By the way, statistics have shown that a lot of people say they’d be vets when asked what career they’d choose if given the option of “doing it all over again.” Here’s the question – what alternate career paths do veterinarians wish they’d taken? Your lucky number this week is 18.

Sagittarius

Nov 22-Dec 21

You run the risk of making some off-color jokes this week and offending a lot of people. Remember – Nazis are the only people you can safely ridicule these days. Enjoy that while it lasts. Your lucky number this week is 63.

Capricorn

Dec 22-Jan 19

Yes, you were proud of that new smartphone, weren’t you? Yes, it’s great for playing games, updating Facebook, keeping a calendar, checking email and all sorts of nifty stuff. The only problem is that the call quality is terrible. Odd how that pricy new phone is great at everything but making and receiving calls, huh? Your lucky number this week is 108.

Aquarius

Jan 20-Feb 18

There are some things you are just not good at and you will try your hand at some of them this week. I, the great Dr. Zodiac, decided a few weeks ago that I would master the illusive art of cooking. I failed miserably and wound up depressed. It seems there are times when it’s best to not even try. Keep that in mind. Your lucky number this week is 54.

Pisces

Feb 19-Mar 20

The word for the week is pescetarian – someone who eats fish but avoids meat. You may decide to become a pescetarian, yourself, but the cravings for a Wendy’s hamburger will become too much to bear. Oh, well. Your lucky number this week is 72.