An inspiration to troublemakers everywhere

My 12-year-old son, Michael, is in the sixth grade.

This year, he made the honor roll and learned today that he is in advanced band next year. Oh, and he also won a math award this year and has been assigned to every available advanced placement class next year.

The kid is an inspiration. Why? Because he's proven that a student can spend roughly half the year in the vice principal's office and still do well in school.

Am I exaggerating? A bit, of course, but this year he's been paddled, suspended, sent to detention hall, sent to Saturday school and has generally raised hell.

Oh, there have been many incidents this year, but the best (worst?) of the lot involved him pulling an Eric Cartman routine on a kid. Yes, we've tried to keep the kid away from South Park, but it appears we've failed as young Michael flipped off a kid this year and yelled "suck my balls!" at him.

That whole incident put me in a terrible position. That's funny as hell, but I couldn't exactly pat Michael on the back, could I? That's one of those times I had to do my parental duty of telling the boy I was disappointed in him for behaving in such a manner.

I should have known what we were in for back when Michael was in kindergarten. He was at recess going across the monkey bars when two older kids started to mess with him. He kicked one in the face then jumped on the other kid and started beating on him.

And this child is an honor student? Believe it. His teachers have been routinely frustrated by him as he's misbehaved, corrected them when they've gotten facts wrong, disrupted more than a few lectures and he still keeps those grades high with little effort.

No, Michael simply won't sit down, shut up and do what he's told. He may well grow up to be something other than a corporate drone, lackey or whipping boy one day. I can't help but think that's not altogether bad.

Go get 'em, kid.

A joke in poor taste?

I told my wife a joke the other day and she didn't like it one bit. Here it is:

The Hawg: What's the difference between Mary Tyler Moore and a lawyer?

Marci Kay: I don't know, most wonderful husband on the planet. What is the difference between Mary Tyler Moore and a lawyer?

The Hawg: Mary Tyler Moore never passed a bar.

Now, Marci thought I was being mean by throwing out a joke that makes fun of a recovering alcoholic. I responded with some logic my dad passed on to me years ago -- nothing is too mean if it's funny enough.

What do y'all think?

Hey! I've been married for 10 years!

Yesterday, I posted a photo of my wife, Marci, and me as part of the "Wordless Wednesday" festivities.

Tonight, I'll explain a bit of that photo as part of the dandy "Tell Me Thursday" festivities. Yes, that particular photo is one of the lovely Marci and me way on back in 1999 when we were still newlyweds. Today, we celebrated our 10th anniversary and I couldn't be happier.

We've been through lot. I adopted her son, Michael, who was two-years old when Marci and I got married. She miscarried twice before giving birth to a beautiful baby girl named Brenda who is eight years old now. We've each gone through career changes and a life-changing move a few years ago from her native northwest Arkansas to my home turf here in Benton, Ark. We've been through my being diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and all the misery that comes with that.

Having been married once before, I was a bit apprehensive about going through all that again. Thanks to Marci, I've learned how great marriage can be and, indeed, how it is supposed to be. I know she'll always be in my corner and that counts for a lot. She's been nothing short of an incredible wife and mother over the past 10 years and this little family's source of constant strength and resourcefulness.

Do I still love my wife after 10 years? You'd better believe it. When I was a kid I was told in church that God has an ideal "someone" for each of us. I thought that was garbage at the time. I'm proud to report I was wrong.

Happy anniversary, Marci. You know, things turned out pretty darned well for us, huh?

10 years already? Happy anniversary, Marci Kay!

This entry is part of the weekly Wordless Wednesday event. Head on over and check out the other entries or submit something of your own.

'The Dynasty of the Unmasked Elder'

Ever since I was just a little The Hawg way on back in the 1970s, I've loved the hell out of that rockin' KISS band.

A lot of us who were kids when KISS was the big deal will agree that the band hit the ground running with its self-titled release in 1974, peaked around the time of 1977's Love Gun and KISS Alive II and started to fall to pieces around the time every member of the band released solo albums in 1978 and was a total mess by the time the dreadful Music from "The Elder" was released in 1981. Ah, I remember those times well. I purchased the Dynasty album in 1979 when I was a mere lad of 10-years-old and then ignored the band until the very good Creatures of the Night came out in 1982.

At any rate, KISS released three very wobbly albums from 1979 through 1981 -- Dynasty, Unmasked and Music from "The Elder." Separately, those albums go from fair-to-middling (Dynasty) to outright laughable (The Elder). Ah, but digital technology is a wonderful thing because one can rip those three discs to MP3s, remove the junk and come up with an album that's pretty darned good. I did just that and came up with a fantastic CD that I like to call The Dynasty of the Unmasked Elder.

I'll explain just which songs are keepers and which ones are stinkers and the reasons for my informed choices so that you, too, might compile your very own copy of The Dynasty of the Unmasked Elder. Ready? Here we go!

Dynasty (1979)

Here is where it was really, really obvious that something was wrong with KISS. The band entered the studio on the top of the world and managed to record an unfocused collection of songs that was highlighted by a damned disco tune. To make matters worse, drummer Peter Criss was in such horrible shape that he was replaced by Anton Fig -- the drummer on the David Letterman show and the fellow who appeared on Ace Frehley's solo album back in 1978. The only member of the band that seemed to care about what was going on was guitarist Ace Frehley, who was responsible for the best stuff on the album even when things were going to hell in a handbasket all around him. By the way, when I was a kid we had a great amount of fun calling this album Dentistry for some reason. Dynasty will never be considered a great KISS album, but it does have it's merits although most of the songs are decidedly second-tier. Here's how I butchered it:

1. "I Was Made for Lovin' You" (Paul Stanley, Vini Poncia, Desmond Child) = stinker. Good grief. What's the logical move after bringing in soft rock producer Vini Poncia to slick up your album? Go and hire Desmond Child to help write a damned disco song. KISS + disco = suck, suck, suck.

2. "2,000 Man" (Mick Jagger, Keith Richards) = keeper. Yes, Ace Frehley covers a psychedelic Rolling Stones songs and turns into a riff-chugging rocker. Great stuff.

3. "Sure Know Something" (Stanley, Poncia) = keeper. Yeah, it's more soft rock than, well, rock-rock, but Paul Stanley gives a great vocal performance and the mid-tempo thing actually has some memorable hooks. Not bad at all.

4. "Dirty Livin'" (Criss, Poncia, Stan Pendridge) = stinker. I almost included this one because it was the last thing that Peter Criss had anything to do with before he was replaced by Eric Carr. The cat man's voice is a strained mess and he sounds like he's drumming while wearing a pair of boxing gloves. Some people might like it for sentimental reasons, of course, but it's a pretty rotten song on the whole. It at least serves a reminder of why drug-addled, worn-out Criss was booted out of KISS.

5. "Charisma" (Gene Simmons, Howard Marks) = keeper. Gene Simmons -- that fire breathing, blood spitting demon of a bassist -- was at his best when being conceited, filthy and more than a little depraved. This groove-heavy tune has all those elements present and is one of the hardest hitting things on the disc. It's just too bad it was hampered by glossy production.

6. "Magic Touch" (Stanley) = stinker. This, folks, is the sound of Paul Stanley simply not giving a damn. This clunky, unmemorable slice of misery sounds like the kind of thing that should have only surfaced on a rarities album. Yuck.

7. "Hard Times" (Frehley) = keeper. Simmons and Stanley may have started to lose interest in what the band was up to, but Frehley seized on the opportunity to write a bunch of songs and provide the lead vocals (he wrote some classics like "Cold Gin" and gave them to other band members to sing, you know). This up-tempo song simply moves and sounds like something the forerunners of pop metal should have been banging out instead of wasting their time on disco songs. Yes, here Ace wax poetic about getting in trouble while growing up and generally sticking up for losers and morons around the world. Great.

8. X-Ray Eyes (Simmons) = keeper. A mid-tempo song in which Simmons fantasizes about getting revenge on a woman who did him wrong. Simmons' spiteful rants make this one a dandy time, and how about those backward cymbal splashes that sound like they were lifted right out of the end of the Beatles' "Strawberry Fields Forever?"

9. Save Your Love (Frehley) = keeper. Every ex-husband in the world ought to love this one, folks. Yes, Frehley generally tells a woman to beat it while chugging guitar riffs and a very respectable solo carry the song.

Unmasked (1980)

What the hell happened here? More light rock, more production work by Vini Poncia, more unmemorable songs and more glossy, glossy mixing. Peter Criss was off wandering somewhere again while Anton Fig filled in for him and Ace Frehley, once again, stepped up to the plate and provided some great songs while Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley didn't even bother trying on this one. Yes, Criss is on the album cover but didn't have a thing to do with this one -- a fact that pretty well sums up the state of the band at that point in time. To say Unmasked is a bad album is putting it too kindly. Still, there are some decent songs here and there:

1. "Is that You?" (Gerard McMahon) = keeper. Who the hell is Gerard McMahon? I have no idea, but this song is a great vehicle for Paul Stanley and the song turns into a bit of a filthy rocker. Oddly, this song is an indictment of a 17-year-old, trampy girl who sounds very much like she's living the kind of life long advocated by KISS.

2. "Shandi" (Stanley, Poncia) = stinker. As least as bad as "I was Made for Lovin' You," if not worse. Boring pop garbage all the way.

3. "Talk to Me" (Frehley) = keeper. Yes, Ace shows up with a great riff, some charming hooks and a wonderfully naive "boy meets girl" song. Reminds me of being a starry-eyed teen and that's rarely a bad thing.

4. "Naked City" (Simmons, Poncia, Bob Kulick, Pepe Castro) = stinker. It took four people to write this wandering, clunky piece of trash? Really? This is one of those songs you'll forget as soon as it's over. Thank God for that. The song by committee approach was a terrible, terrible idea.

5. "What Makes the World go 'Round" (Stanley, Poncia) = stinker. If you don't want to corner Vini Poncia in a dark alley and beat him senseless after listening to this go-nowhere nonsense, you're a stronger person than I am.

6. "Tomorrow" (Stanley, Poncia) = keeper. Yes, it's more light rock and that evil Vini Poncia is involved, but the hooks are larger than Paul Stanley's ego and the chorus just plain soars. It's predictable and more than a bit silly, but it's a heck of a lot of fun.

7. "Two Sides of the Coin" (Frehley) = keeper. Yes, Frehley tosses out a bunch of amazingly obvious philosophy, but the thing holds together quite well. Besides, this song is one of the few up-tempo, enjoyable moments on the album.

8. "She's so European" (Simmons, Poncia) = stinker. Vini Poncia strikes again and this time he takes Gene Simmons down with him. Perhaps he got bored with writing rotten songs with Paul Stanley. Who knows? This one is completely forgettable (once again, that's a good thing -- I'd kill myself if this song had even one hook that kept circulating around in my head). Ugly, slick and miserable.

9. "Easy as it Seems" (Stanley, Poncia) = stinker. Wow. This is one horrible, tiresome little song. Again, this is one that makes you want to simply beat Vini Poncia with a baseball bat. There's not a single hook here -- just a bunch of bleating from Paul Stanley and a band that sounds like it's run out of things to say.

10. "Torpedo Girl" (Frehley, Poncia) = keeper. I'm not sure why Poncia got a credit here because this is an Ace Frehley song all the way. It's nothing but big, dumb sex and some wonderfully busy guitar licks from Ace. Play it loud.

11. "You're all that I Want" (Simmons, Poncia) = stinker. After awhile, you get the idea that most of the songs Vini Poncia wrote sounded pretty much the same. Here's another one that's clunky, overly dramatic and about as appealing as the sound made by a trash can that's full of rocks and rolling down a hill.

Music from "The Elder" (1981)

Wow. This is really bad. Worse than bad. Downright terrible. Trying to describe how awful this album is will remind you just how limiting the English language actually is. This album is so rotten the Germans probably developed a word full of growling sounds and hard syllables just to describe Music from "The Elder." Here's all you really need to know. It's a pretentious concept album with a story line that's impossible to follow and a bunch of orchestration. It just doesn't sound like KISS at all. Peter Criss was out of the band by this time and was replaced by Eric Carr. One has to feel to feel a bit sorry for Carr, seeing how his debut happened to be on an album that is mostly known for being a disaster. Ace Frehley hated this album and was rarely around when the band was recording it. One listen will reveal why Frehley was frustrated at the direction in which KISS was heading and was dreaming of a solo career. This album is proof that some bands shouldn't be allowed to wander off on their own and record whatever the hell they want. Elder is so worthless that it makes Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park look like high art. Still, there are some songs worth keeping:

1. "Fanfare" (Stanley, Bob Ezrin) = stinker. Ezrin, a few years ago, admitted to having a heavy drug problem when this was recorded. That would explain this track, which sounds like stereotypical chamber music from the Middle Ages.

2. "Just a Boy" (Stanley, Ezrin) = stinker. A ballad featuring a bunch of falsetto warbling from Stanley and one of those choruses that is supposed to be "deep" but is shallow as hell ("I'm no hero / though I wish I could beeeee / For I am just a boy...") Ick.

3. "Odyssey" (Tony Powers) = stinker. "Blah, blah, blah -- odyssey! Something, something, something, snore -- odyssey!" Remember, kids -- if you've got a bad song, make it worse by making it really, really crawl. God help us.

4. "Only You" (Simmons) = stinker. In an interview, Frehley said he listened to Elder for the first time and then smashed the tape up against his wall. That seems to be a logical reaction to pretentious dirges like this slop.

5. "Under the Rose" (Simmons, Carr) = stinker. Were it not for the laughable choruses (i.e., a powerful council saying something very important very loudly, this wouldn't be half bad. As it is, you'll want to pull an "Ace smash" on the disc about halfway through this one.

6. "Dark Light" (Frehley, Simmons, Fig, Lou Reed) = keeper. Thank goodness for Ace Frehley! He put together a demo of this song back in 1976 (it was called "Don't Run" at the time) and pulled it out of mothballs for Elder. Toss in a few lyrics from Lou Reed, an intro that sounds like the Jaws theme, a head-spinning guitar solo and some crunchy, heavy metal chords and you've got a winner.

7. "A World without Heroes" (Stanley, Simmons, Ezrin, Reed) = stinker. A saw a video of this once that featured Gene Simmons crying. Yes, there he was -- demon makeup and all, crying like a five-year-old girl. If that doesn't sum up how ridiculous Elder is, I'm not sure what does.

8. "The Oath" (Stanley, Ezrin, Powers) = stinker. This is what "trudging" sounds like. Good grief.

9. "Mr. Blackwell" (Simmons, Reed) = keeper. Gene Simmons finally gets to growl along like the demon he wants to be over grinding riffs that would make Black Sabbath proud.

10. "Escape from the Island" (Frehley, Carr, Ezrin) = keeper. Hot dog! This instrumental is all sizzling guitar chords, a heavy dose of aggression and a blistering tempo. KISS should have stuck with this kind of thing throughout the disc, honestly.

11. "I" (Simmons, Ezrin) = keeper. A big, swaggering celebration of Simmons' ego, you'll actually thrill as Gene and Paul boast about how great they are. Paul Stanley, meanwhile, provided the most enthusiastic vocals he had in years. Throw in a lyrical reference to "Rock and Roll all Nite" and you've got the kind of fist-pumping anthem for which KISS is known.

Conclusion

Still around? You've got some patience for sure and certain. To sum it all up, I've taken 31 songs from three albums and distilled them down to the 15 songs included on the wonderful, wonderful The Dynasty of the Unmasked Elder. Enjoy.

As if you haven't been tortured enough, here's a track listing of the soon to be famous The Dynasty of the Unmasked Elder:

1. "2,000 Man"
2. "Sure Know Something"
3. "Charisma"
4. "Hard Times"
5. "X-Ray Eyes"
6. "Save Your Love"
7. "Is that You?"
8. "Talk to Me"
9. "Tomorrow"
10. "Two Sides of the Coin"
11. "Torpedo Girl"
12. "Dark Light"
13. "Mr. Blackwell"
14. "Escape from the Island"
15. "I"

A worthy effort

The rumors are true -- The Hawg writes quite a few paid posts.

This isn't one of them.

No, there are just times when a company is so great that I feel compelled to brag on them for free. In this case, the company engaged in a worthy effort is OTRCat.com (Old Time Radio Catalog). I was thinking very highly of Jon over at OTRCat this weekend as my wife, family and I were on a trip to northwest Arkansas to see my nephew graduate from high school.

We took a bunch of Henry Aldrich MP3s with us on the trip and that just made the journey go that much quicker. For those not familiar with old time radio (or "OTR" as its rabid fans call it), those are the shows that emerged in the Golden Age of Radio. Before there was television, people used to gather around the radio for entertainment and, in fact, some of the most classic dramas (Dragnet, Gunsmoke, The Lone Ranger, etc.) and great comedies (Jack Benny Show, Burns & Allen, etc.) started out as radio programs and made the jump to television.

Sadly, we're rapidly losing the generation that grew up on those programs, and Jon is to be commended on his attempts to preserve a part of our history and pass it on to people like me who weren't even alive during the Golden Age of Radio. I got hooked on those shows years ago as my dad and I listened to Lum and Abner reruns on a radio station out of Hot Springs, Ark., in the 1970s and early '80s.

For those who weren't treated with such an introduction to OTR, Jon makes it easy. He offers free downloads on a daily basis, generally has themed programs up for downloads on holidays and regularly has special packages at amazingly low prices. Also, he's got guides over there that instruct people how to get started in the world of OTR. Regardless, the free samples are ideal for those who might have heard of a program but aren't sure they'll like it.

The programs are sold for dirt cheap, the quality is generally better than can be expected (we're talking about really old recordings here, folks) and Jon is a heck of a nice guy (yes, I've ordered programs from him before -- the shipping was quick and the communications with Jon are fantastic). Go pay that site a visit, folks, and you might just discover that collecting old time radio shows is an immensely entertaining and worthwhile hobby.

...worth a thousand words

This weekend, we went up to northwest Arkansas to see my nephew, Jeffery, graduate from Rogers High School with more honors than you can shake a stick at.

The photo here pretty well says it all. Young Jeffery was surprised by the appearance of his father, Jeff, who is currently training to go to Afghanistan. Jeff is a staff sergeant in the Air Force and Jeffery is going to West Point in the fall.

How's that for a military family?

So, congratulations, Jeffery! I'm sure you'll do us all proud.

Kriss Allen wins 'American Idol,' fake kiss still sucks

Another season of American Idol has ended and Arkansas' own Kris Allen is the winner.

Frankly, I've never been all that interested in American Idol, but I kept up with it a bit because a good, Arkansas boy from Conway won it all. So, congratulations to him.

Ah, but I'm not going to spend too much time writing about that as a lot of people more interested in the show than me have already covered it.

No, I'm going to do my usual thing and gripe about something that annoys me. Specifically, I'm good and mad about fake kiss (the lack of capitalization is intentional -- don't bug me about).

During the brief time I spent watching American Idol tonight, I saw Allen's competitor -- Adam Lambert -- on stage singing with fake kiss. What is fake kiss? Not real KISS, that's what.

Of course, KISS in its prime consisted of four members -- Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley and Peter Criss. Yes, those lads dominated the 1970s with their pop metal stylings, but it all went bad one day. Yes, drummer Peter Criss didn't play a note on 1979's Dynasty album and was officially out of the band after 1980's Unmasked was released. Whiz-bang guitarist Ace Frehley, meanwhile, pretty much didn't give a damn what the band did as a result of the truly awful Music from "The Elder" was released in 1981, didn't play a note on 1982's Creatures of the Night and was on his way out the door soon after that album was released.

KISS staggered along for awhile and, in the mid 1990s, the original four members of the band united. Through the 80s and early 1990s, the band wore no makeup and thrilled fans by announcing the original members would put on their full costumes once again and hit the road. Yes, all seemed right with KISS.

Well, except for the fact that Criss and Frehley left the band again. Now, here's where the fake kiss part comes in -- they've been running around for the past few years with Eric Singer dressed up as Frehley and Tommy Thayer wearing the makeup that Criss made famous. Blasphemy! Blasted fake kiss.

The members of fake kiss have announced a new album and I'm already prepared to hate it. Running around with a couple of people pretending to be Frehley and Criss? That just drives me up the damned wall. Lambert deserved to fail just for being on the same stage with fake kiss.

Meanwhile, Frehley is still mixing his next album. I think I'll buy that one instead.

What the hell?

Well, well, well -- more bizarre news out of Washington.

What a surprise.

Of course, President Barack Obama announced some new mileage and emissions standards today that raise a ton of questions. Well, a lot of Americans will get around to pondering those questions after the fun of laughingly waving at SUV and pickup truck owners with Obama stickers on them wears off, at least.

Essentially, we're looking at some pretty stringent fuel economy requirements by 2016 -- 39 MPG on average for cars and 30 MPG on average for SUVs and pickup trucks. The thought, of course, is that car manufacturers will have to come up with vehicles that are smaller, lighter and more efficient.

What's the problem with that? Those of us who have been doing the "right" thing all along will be the ones getting penalized. Hey, my vehicle of choice -- a Toyota Matrix -- is classified as a small SUV and, as such, would meet that 30 MPG average requirement. Why do I drive a Matrix? Because I choose to do so and I've always gone for smaller, more efficient cars (they're cheap, reliable and I can run them to death without feeling any guilt). Obama's lackeys have predicted that cars will cost an average of $1,300 more due to the new regulations. So, I'll buy the kind of vehicle I was going to buy anyway and I'll get to pay more for it. What a bargain.

And let's not forget that we are undoubtedly looking a higher taxes due to the insane bailouts pushed for by both George W. Bush and Obama. Why on earth, then, would the government purposefully go out of its way to make vehicles more expensive, too?

Further, I can't help but think we're being set up in a way. If we look at the history of the American automotive industry, we'll see the big three tend to face major problems when big, gas-guzzling vehicles fall out of favor with the public. Yet, the Big 3 appear to be on board with Obama's latest plan.

Why? Why on earth would they be in support of a plan that seems to push them closer to extinction? A logical answer might be that we're cooking up some protectionism through which tariffs would be slapped on cars made by companies based outside of the U.S. in order to help American companies become more competitive.

That answer makes a lot of sense, really, when you consider the Japanese are far ahead of the Americans on Hybrid technology and GM seems intent on finding a market for its Volt. Let's see -- it will cost $35,000 to $40,000 whereas a base model Prius costs $22,000 and a fully loaded one sells for $27,000. The Prius is a proven vehicle whereas the highly experimental Volt is, well, not. Further, the Volt is one of those weird "plug it into a wall socket" vehicles manufactured by a company that tends to make garbage when out of its comfort zone (remember the Oldsmobile Omega, the Chevy Cavalier and the Chevy Vega?) How do you make the Volt viable in that atmosphere? How do you convince Americans to shell out up to $40,000 on a vehicle that might turn out to be yet another lemon? The answer is simple -- tax the living hell out of the Prius and artificially inflate the price of it. You'd better believe the same government that has spent billions of dollars bailing out GM would be more than willing to blatantly interfere in the free market and rip off consumers on that level.

Hey, a pimp will take some measures to protect his whores, right?

Music Monday -- KISS unplugged!

Here's an oldie but a goodie. Remember that MTV unplugged back in the mid-1990s when the original four members of KISS appeared on the same space for the first time in years? Here's whiz-kid guitarist Ace Frehley and the rest of the lads playing "2,000 Man." Enjoy, and remember that Ace has a new album coming out soon. Good times!

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. One simple rule, leave ONLY the actual post link here. You can grab this code at LJL Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.

South Bend cops too gentle

I was reading a story about President Barack Obama's stop at Notre Dame during his Hopes and Dreams '09 tour and couldn't help but feel a little let down by the light treatment the pesky protesters received.

According to an AP story, one of the people resisting Obama's odd appearance at a Catholic university is Norma McCorvey, the plaintiff identified as "Roe" in the Roe V. Wade Supreme Court decision that made abortion legal.

It seems that McCorvey is now one of those anti-abortion types and she went to protest Saint Obama with the intent of getting tossed in jail. However, she said the security hired to keep protesters in line in South Bend, Ind., were downright gentle with her. A cop, seemingly, allowed her to chance to walk away from the scene instead of whopping her upside the head and tossing her in a paddy wagon.

"I didn't know why he just kind of gently moved me away. So I'm like, maybe this isn't the right time," McCorvey said.

I'm downright shocked by all of this. Here in Arkansas, people who opposed Bill Clinton had to put up with some real threats.

We got hooted at by Clinton's "truth squads" when getting anywhere near a polling place when Bill was running against Sheffield Nelson during the 1990 gubernatorial election. The homeless in downtown Little Rock are gathered up and shipped off to God knows where (I think that's somewhere in south Little Rock) when the former president is in town visiting that double-wide trailer that serves as the Clinton presidential library.

And do you think University of Arkansas students were allowed to display the enemy's campaign propaganda when Clinton visted the college during the 1992 and 1996 presidential campaigns? Hell no! There's nothing like the threat of expulsion or the levying of some form of nonsense criminal charge to keep the pesky dissenters in line, is there?

Again, I'm disappointed that those South Bend cops simply refuse to be brutal to the protesters who dare show up and complain about that saintly Obama character. It seems certain that some protesters will get arrested, but where's the inhumane abuse in that? An arrest just lasts for a bit, but some scars inflicted by thugs wearing jackboots last forever.

Pittsburgh Pirates in good shape to set a record!

As I've whined about on this here blog before, I'm a Pittsburgh Pirates fan.

Generally, that is a cause for great shame. The Pirates are terrible and show absolutely no signs of improving one whit.

Ah, but the very source of that shame has turned into a reason for Pirates fans around the nation to feel great pride in that terrible team. Why? Pittsburgh is knocking on the door of destiny -- that little team is on the verge of officially being saddled with the honor of being the worst franchise in professional sports.

How? Pittsburgh has had 16 losing seasons in a row and, as such, is tied with the Philadelphia Phillies for having the worst record in baseball. That's right -- we've not seen a record that horrible since the Phillies piled up 16 losing seasons from 1933-1949. No team in the NBA, NFL or NHL has put up that many consecutive, losing seasons.

If Pittsburgh manages to turn in another losing season, the team will be the only one on professional sports to have 17 horrible seasons in a row. The record-setting Pirates are well on their way to earning the recognition for doing what they do best -- playing really, really terrible baseball.

How bad are they? The Pirates ought to get the word "suck" copyrighted as no one is as terrible as Pittsburgh. Think your team sucks? You're wrong -- Pittsburgh owns the word. If the team was an auto manufacturer it would be Chrysler. If the team was a presidential candidate it would be Mike Dukakis. If the team was a world power in World War II it would be France.

Ah, there were some that thought the Pirates wouldn't make it to that magical 17th season of suckitude. The team started off the year with an 11-7 record, causing some to express doubt that they'd fulfill their destiny of being the worst pro team in the country.

I always had faith in the Pirates, however, and they've silenced all the mean-spirited doubters by quickly dropping the past 12 of 13 games leading them to the current 12-19 record and their well deserved, last place position in the NL Central. Way to stink it up, Pirates! I knew you could do it.

Besides, Pittsburgh has started off hot in a few seasons over the past 17 years and it always end the same. That should come as a surprise to no one. Just have a look at the nobodies that dot the Pirates' roster and you'll understand why I'm certain the team won't disappoint all of us who believe the team will set a record this year. With a bunch of players like that, there's almost no way the team won't fail miserably and achieve immortality in the process.

I'm going to be so bold as to predict that the Pirates will not only blow this season but will tank next year and probably fail a few more times before actually stringing enough wins to finish up above .500. The Pirates have that losing formula down and I can't imagine they'll do a whole lot to change it.

That golden, losing formula works like this. Let's say Pittsburgh has an outstanding player. They will trade that player for, say, three prospects. Let's assume two of those prospects are terrible and one turns out to be spectacular. The terrible prospects will become franchise players while the spectacular one will be traded for more prospects.

The pattern repeats itself every year, thus insuring that Pittsburgh will remain inept almost every year. Such dedication to sucking is to be applauded -- most clubs merely want to win games and reach the World Series, but those lads in Pittsburgh have a different agenda.

No, the owners of that team obviously want to suck worse than any club in the history of professional sports in the United States. They set their goals way on back in 1992 after the team that almost reached the World Series disbanded through free agency. Thanks to those visionaries, the Pirates will -- without a doubt -- set a record that will stand for a long, long time.

Good luck, Pirates! You stink like no one else can or probably ever will. Good job, lads!

Plant theft?

Folks, just what the hell is this world coming to?

A few months ago, my office moved to a new location. There was plenty of landscaping done at the new building and a good chunk of that included a lot of those scrubby little shrubs that are so nondescript that they fade into the background.

Some people took notice of them, however. Last week, a thief ran off with 27 of the things and had to be replaced for $1,400. Who the hell runs around town stealing shrubs? I've learned over the past few days that a lot of shrubs are turning up missing around Little Rock. I wasn't aware there was a black market for shrubbery, but such a thing does apparently exist.

There are two things to learn from this. First of all, my office is in Little Rock and this theft is a great example of why I live in Benton and commute about 20 miles to work everyday. Those Little Rock folks will steal anything that's not tied down.

Second, we were robbed twice. The first time we were ripped off by the company that had the audacity to charge $51.85 per scrubby shrub and the second time was by the folks who loaded those shrubs up in the middle of the night and made off with them.

Actually, we got robbed three times -- we had to pay to have the shrubs replaced to the tune of $51.85 per bush.

As usual, the folks at my organization have overreacted by purchasing a security system that is to be installed soon. I'm not sure how much that system costs, but it's a safe bet it will be worth more than the shrubs it will monitor.

Furthermore, an external security system isn't that hard to thwart. What if the sneaky thieves decide to show up in ski masks and unmarked trucks? What if you capture a couple of people who can't be identified on video and show it to the cops? With the amount of crime in Little Rock, I can't imagine the police will dedicate a lot of resources to tracking down a bunch of shrub thieves.

Maybe the "security system" plan will work fine. Those cameras do come with big, intimidating signs that warn of electronic surveillance. Maybe that threat will be enough to convince the shrub thieves to move on down the road and hit an easier target. What would be a lot cooler, of course, would be a couple of angry dogs patrolling the perimeter. Yeah. That would be a lot cooler than a bunch of easily-tricked video cameras.

Regardless, the mind boggles. $51.85 for a shrub? No wonder people are stealing them all over Little Rock.

Oh, here's another odd thing. My office is located near the FBI building in Little Rock. The thought was the proximity to the feds would effectively cut down on crime in the area. Evidently, that assumption was very wrong.

I do hope our victimized shrubs found a good home after being put on the black market. We can only hope. Thinking otherwise is just too painful.

Music Monday -- New Duncan Imperials

These boys put on the best show I've seen -- I caught them in Fayetteville, Ark., at JR's Lightbulb Club around 1993. The members of the band, of course, are Pigtail Dick (guitar and lead vocals), Skipper Zwakinov (bass and backing vocals) and Mr. Goodtime Dammit (drums). Enjoy!

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Pepsi does something right

Here at Casa de Hawg, we've always hated Pepsi products with a passion.

Pepsi is generally regarded in these parts as "too northern" for us Coke-swilling folks and a lot of us tend to avoid it. Yes, Pepsi was originally developed in North Carolina and Coca-Cola was formulated in Atlanta, but the perception is what it is.

The folks at Pepsi, however, have finally done something absolutely right -- the company makes a cola that is flavored with real sugar instead of that dreadful corn syrup garbage. That's right -- Pepsi Throwback is sweetened with sugar instead of corn rot, and the stuff tastes great.

How great? I'd take this stuff over Coca-Cola and its dreadful corn sweetener any day of the week. It doesn't taste quite so chemical and sickening as the corn syrup stuff. Oddly, the stuff doesn't taste as "thick" as regular Pepsi and it's a bit fizzier. Besides, I get enough industrial-grade chemicals when I drink Diet Coke, so why would I want more of that slop in a regular glass of cola?

Still, I'd love it if Coca-Cola would follow suit and offer Coke sweetened with real sugar. Hopefully that will be the case and people will love the stuff, thus prompting more drinks filled with sugar instead of corn garbage. I hope we're seeing the beginning of a trend here.

Oh, Pepsi has also released Mountain Dew with real sugar, but who cares? Head on over to the Pepsi Throwback site for more information.

By the way, my wife tells me that pouring Pepsi into a Coca-Cola glass is sacrilege. I'll have to do that more often.

The Hawg considering a career change?

There are times when being a sports fan is just downright aggravating.

I'll give you an example -- I've been a fan of the Pittsburgh Pirates since about 1977. There's a team that hasn't had a winning season since 1992 and things aren't likely to change for that horrible club anytime soon.

Baseball season, then, isn't much fun.

It appears that football season isn't going to be much fun, either. I've rooted for the Denver Broncos for even longer than I've rooted for the Pirates. Watching the Broncos in the 1980s was difficult as the team made it to the Super Bowl three times at the end of that decade and got stomped into the ground each time.

Ah, but the team has been more competitive than not through the years and actually won a couple of Super Bowls in 1998 and 1999. Even when the team wasn't having a championship season, the Broncos have typically been in the running.

It appears all that has changed. What the hell is wrong with the folks running that club? Did they -- in a drunken haze -- decide it would be a good idea to fire coach Mike Shanahan? Were they hitting the Coors Light so hard that they figured hiring that kid, Josh McDaniels, to replace Shanahan was the right thing to do? How on earth did they wind up trading quarterback Jay Cutler to the Chicago Bears for Kyle Orton?

Kyle Orton? Seriously? Could they have found a bigger nobody of a quarterback than Kyle Orton? He wears #18 because that's how many people have heard of him. I hear Ryan Leaf is working at a parking garage somewhere in west Texas these days. Couldn't they have offered the job to him?

The thing that bugs me the most about all of the alcohol-fueled insanity that has possibly hit Denver was the decision to fire Shanahan then turn around and hire a punk kid to replace him. Now, don't go defending McDaniels. Hiring him was the wrong thing to do. Period. I'm right on this and anyone who disagrees is flat out wrong. That little 33-year-old nobody has done absolutely nothing to warrant being named head coach of a middle-tier college team, much less an NFL club.

Let's take a look at this little zit's resume, shall we? In 1999 and 2000 his daddy got him a job as a graduate assistant at Michigan State under Nick Saban. He spent 2001 getting coffee for people in the New England Patriots organization and was an assistant defensive coach in 2002 and 2003. From there he became the quarterbacks coach and was named offensive coordinator -- a position he kept for two whole years before being named the damned head coach of the damned Broncos.

Apparently, the Democrats ran all of the bums out of Denver when they had their convention there last year. With no bums available to take the job, McDaniels got it. As a bonus, he is also the recipient of the "Luckiest Undeserving Bastard on the Planet" award.

Well, by God, I'm not going to put up with this. I've watched the Pirates go to hell and I'm not going to sit still and watch zippy the wonder kid shove the Broncos down the same path. I'll take that coaching job at Denver and I'll be great at it, too. Here are my qualifications.

1. I like football, like, a lot. That's right. I'm 39-years-old and I've been watching football since before McDaniels was alive. I may not have spent a year running errands for the Patriots and my daddy might not have gotten me a job at Michigan State, but I do know the point of football is to (as John Madden once put it) to move the ball down the field while keeping the other team from doing the same thing. That ought to count for something, right?

2. My sister-in-law is from Denver. That's right -- The Hawg has ties to that fair city. What does Josh McDaniels have? Nothing, that's what. He's an Ohio boy and spent time in Michigan and the East Coast before giggling his way through a job interview in Denver. Compared to him, I'm practically a local. Who wouldn't want to see a local boy guide their team to victory?

3. I played a lot of that Tudor Electric Football as a kid. Oh, you go right ahead and laugh. Laugh, laugh, laugh it up, ace. I can do some strategy, man. Do you know how hard it is to win a game based solely on running plays because the "triple threat" quarterback doesn't work worth a damn? I do, kids. I was an innovator back in my Tudor Electric Football days, too. I developed the "pack two rows of linemen in front of the running back" play, the "move the little dial things so that everyone runs to the right (or left) to confuse the other team" play and the famed "arrange all those players in an unstoppable wedge and march down the field" play. I've got the ability to come up with solutions to difficult problems, see. Who wouldn't want that?

4. Institutional knowledge. While McDaniels was trying to figure out how not to pee his diaper, I was watching the Broncos face the Dallas Cowboys in the Super Bowl. I know full well the importance of that team to the fair city of Denver and will do my best to keep the fans happy. Those Denver fans go nuts, McDaniels. Remember the 1990 season (well, you probably don't, seeing how you were going through puberty and all)? Denver was having a terrible season and the fans took it badly. One radio disc jockey perched on a billboard and said he would broadcast from there until Denver won a game. He was up there in a freezing winter for weeks. One woman in Mile High stadium maced a bunch of fans for the other team and one wife and father was so distraught after a game that he came home from Mile High, held his wife and kids at gunpoint and was escorted away from his house by the cops.

Are you ready for that kind of pressure, McDaniels? I doubt it.

5. Denver couldn't do any worse. The Broncos would have been better off picking someone at random out of a phone book than choosing McDaniels. Why not give the job to a fellow who has been a loyal fan for about as long as McDaniels has been alive? Think about it, Broncos. Do the right thing.

Benton and Bryant getting along?

Folks, I've been a lazy blogger lately.

I've not been following my usual routine of checking up on blogs, making inane comments here and there, generally being a pest, etc. Why? I've been busy lately for reasons (work) that are just too tedious (my job) to go into (work) without boring you folks to tears (job, job, job).

Ah, but I've got a doozy of a post for you good people tonight (that's a "daisy" of a post for you people all wacky about Val Kilmer's portrayal of Doc Holliday in Tombstone). I don't know if it's exactly a doozy of a post, but it's at least not as bad as the junk I typically put up here for people to see and ask, "What the hell was the point of that?"

Take a look at the commercial at the top of the post. Uh-huh. Now, take a look at the one at the bottom.

I saw one of those ads on television last night. They are part of a project -- LiveInBentonBryant.com -- put together by the Benton and Bryant chambers of commerce.

"So what? Cities do stuff like this all the time," you might say.

Ah, here's what's significant about these ads -- Benton and Bryant have always been bitter rivals and most anyone who has lived here in Saline County or is familiar with our little corner of the world can tell you that the citizens of those towns have generally hated each other. I, a Benton boy, grew up not liking Bryant one damned bit.

So it's kind of a shock to see a commercial when the school mascots (a panther for Benton and a hornet for Bryant) are cavorting together in scene after scene. The Benton Panther comforts the Bryant Hornet at Saline Memorial Hospital? The Hornet pushes the Panther on a swing? The two play golf together? What the hell is going on here?

Regionalism, folks. That's what. The reality of the situation is that these two cities are located in a county (conveniently highlighted in red on the handy map here) with 100,000 people in it and have a lot more in common that we'd maybe like to admit. Both cities are interested in economic development in the county as we're sick of being viewed as mere bedroom communities of Little Rock. How do we attract those jobs to this county so that we can keep our folks here instead of shipping them off to Little Rock every morning?

The answer is simple -- we keep building the population of this county in hopes that the economic opportunities will follow the rooftops. Some wise souls decided that we are better able to concentrate on that task as a region instead of individual cities and there is a lot of merit to that idea.

This area, frankly, is in need of a unified, concerted effort to bring some jobs to Saline County. There was a time when the aluminum industry was huge here and the Alcoa and Reynolds plants provided all the jobs we needed. Those were high-paying jobs, too -- about $20 an hour back in 1981 until the plants shut down due to an increase in the cost of mining bauxite, squabbles between the union and management and a host of other things.

So I hope the cities are successful in their goals. Perhaps we can replace a lot of those jobs we lost over two decades ago.

Then we can all get down to the serious business of simply hating Little Rock instead of folks in our own county.

Could that Belgian influence actually help Anheuser-Busch?

As anyone who hasn't been living under a rock knows, Anheuser-Busch was bought out by Belgium's InBev.

It's always disturbing to hear about a radically profitable American company being bought out by some oddly-named bunch from Belgium, but that's what happened and I suppose all we can do is make the best of it.

Of course, I vowed to refuse to buy anything from the company again once news of the merger was announced. My wife, however, took no such vow and she brought home a Michelob Spring/Summer Sampler Pack the other day.

Now, I do hate the new, bastardized Anheuser-Busch, but Marci did bring home my favorite kind of beer -- cold and within reach. So I decided to give these things a whirl and see if the Belgians have ruined a company that was once both American and great.

The sampler pack has four types of wheat beer in it and here's what I thought of each of them:

* Hop Hound Amber Wheat -- this one wasn't bad at all. It's a pleasing amber color and is amazingly devoid of both complexity and after taste. This is a very straight-forward, light beer that is just made for guzzling. I liked it.

However, I didn't taste much in the way of hops. There's plenty of malt in this, but it's hard to tell if the "hops" flavor is provided by actual hops or just a lot of carbonation. Further, the beer loses a point or two for being rather bland overall. A "craft beer" is supposed to be distinct, but this stuff tastes like one of several wheat beers I've had over the years.

This one isn't bad, but it isn't great, either. Regardless, it's a pleasant beer that suggests that some of that Belgian influence might not be such a bad thing. It's a couple of notches above the domestic beers I generally drink, so I may purchase some more of this in the future.

* Michelob Honey Wheat -- This one was a disappointment. Think of any thin, generic American beer you've ever had, stir in some honey and you've got this stuff. One criticism I've always had about American beers is that they just taste too thin and lack character. This is the same as most of those cheap domestic beers I've had, with the exception of a bit of honey thrown in for good measure.

Where's the sharp tang that is associated with wheat beers? It's simply not here. There's too much honey thrown in here, too. It's not bad, but I'll never bother with buying more of this stuff.

* Shock Top Belgian White -- This one was so bad I actually got angry. That cloudy, gold color looks great, but this beer tastes like someone let a cheap sucker dissolve in it. InBev? What the hell is that? Short for "Belgians Like to Throw Weird Crap InBeverages?" The weird crap in this beer is orange, lemon and lime peel and coriander. That's right. It's full of citrus and cilantro. Who the hell wants that?

Do you find the folks at Guiness dumping fruit in their beer? What would Jack Daniels taste like if the folks around there thought, "Hey, let's dissolve a bunch of pears in our whiskey. That would be fun!" You just don't go around throwing components of a fruit salad and/or salsa in beer, for God's sake. It's just plain wrong and unnatural and that's doubly true when the weird crap overpowers the flavor of the beer.

This beer tastes like an experiment gone wrong. Blasted Belgians and their fruity damned beer. Could this sampler pack get any worse?

* Michelob Dunkel Weisse -- Yes, this sample pack can get worse. A lot worse, in fact. Give me back that Shock Top trash so I can wash the taste of this swill out of my mouth. Yes, it's that bad.

Now, it looked promising when I poured it in my glass in that it's nice and dark. Dark beers tend to be great, right? This stuff is far from great. The "weird crap" of choice this time around is cloves and banana. But mostly cloves. Go over to your spice rack and stuff your mouth full of cloves. Enjoy that taste? Do you, bucky? If you do, you'll love this stuff.

Honestly, cloves are about all you can taste in this beer. It is the definition of horrible. Shock Top may have tasted like a failed experiment, but this trash tastes like a dirty trick. About 20 years ago, I had a few bucks in my pocket and wanted some beer. The only thing I could afford was Hamm's. For years, I've said that was the worst beer I've tasted. You've been replaced, Hamm's. Michelob Dunkel Weisse now holds the crown. Sorry, Hamm's.

This beer made me hate what's become of Anheuser-Busch and question how the hell InBev got to be such a huge company. I can just imagine someone sitting around and trying to figure out how to "improve" the classic Budweiser formula by infusing it with such great tastes as strawberries and garlic; mango, kiwi and cat urine; fried squash and wet dog; or pearl onion, mushroom, apple and Wintergreen Skoal spit. God help us.

Conclusion

I've got a bad feeling about this...

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday -- swine flu

Head on over to Wordless Wednesday and submit something of your own, huh?

A great birthday party idea

On Sunday, I took my daughter to a birthday party at the Pulaski County Humane Society in Little Rock.

A birthday party? At an animal shelter?

Yes, indeed! Why? Because the birthday girl -- a student in my daughter's homeroom at school -- wanted it that way. It seems she's been learning about missions in church and wanted to do her part to help a worthy cause in her community. So, instead of presents, she requested that all in attendance donate $10 to the animal shelter.

That's a very unselfish request and it's all the more impressive when you consider it was made by an eight-year-old girl.

The kids had a great time playing with dogs, looking at cats and begging their parents for a new dog (Brenda is pictured at the top of this post with the dog she wanted). I'm certain more than a couple of parents left with a new pet in tow, but I refused as we've got three dogs and I figure that's more than enough.

Besides, we adopted a three-legged shelter dog a couple of years ago and have spoiled her rotten. I've done my part and I'm sure we'll probably stop by the local Humane Society the next time we need a dog.

Even if I had adopted a dog, I would have made my wife furious. The dog I would have brought home reminded me of Cobb, my rat terrier who is best described as a lovable rascal. Yes, there was a female rat terrier mix at the shelter who reminded me a lot of my Cobb in that she was hyperactive and managed to escape out the front door and avoid capture for at least a few minutes.

Rat terriers are pains in the ass. Mine escapes the yard when he can, has spent the night in the pound after animal control nabbed him one day and he once figured out to open the latch on our back gate (we've kept it padlocked since).

Rat terriers are great dogs, though. Cobb is as loyal as the day is long and he kills the snakes in my yard (we live near the Saline River here in Benton, Ark., so those slithering pests are common), so I'd say he's worth the trouble. I wouldn't mind another one of those things running around the house, but I'm sure my wife would throw a fit.

Slowing down a bit

I'll be happily editing and writing magazine copy for the next few days, so I doubt I'll get to update this blog as much as I'd like. After writing all day long at work, I have a feeling I won't be too keen on the idea of coming home and writing some more.

I'll be flinging my usual nonsense at this blog before long, of course.

Music Monday -- The Wedding Present

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. One simple rule, leave ONLY the actual post link here. You can grab this code at LJL Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.