My plan to keep politicians from bugging me

Don't worry. I'm not about to engage in another "my political party is great and the one you like is full of idiots" rant.

No, I'm just annoyed as hell about the presidential elections and the local ones here in Saline County, Ark. I can't get away from those damned people and it's frustrating.

Here's what I mean. For the past month, we've had the "Obama channel" running on my Dish Network service (channel 73 for those keeping score at home) for the past month. That channel has been home to an infomercial that's just plain lousy.

To make matters worse, the World Series was delayed this evening to make room for Obama's prime time, infomercial extravaganza. Apparently, the lads in the Obama campaign haven't heard of overkill.

And just the other day, I had some local politician beating on my door at about 8 p.m. trying to get my wife and me to vote for him. If I can remember who he is, I sure as hell won't vote for him. I'm bothered by people all day long and I don't need more aggravation when I'm relaxing at home with my family.

Fortunately, Arkansas is small enough to avoid some of the more obnoxious aspects of political campaigns. I haven't had any of the "robo calls" from the Obama or John McCain campaigns and that's a good thing. What's more, I've got a DVR so I can forward through the lie-packed television commercials that both presidential hopefuls are dumping on the air.

The local politicians, however, still go door to door and beg for votes. I have a three-step plan to stop that nonsense and I figure on putting it in place during the next election.

Step 1 -- a big dog who looks mean

See that dog at the top of this post? That's Winston, our boxer/St. Bernard mix who weighs in at around 140 pounds. He's a very friendly pup, but he's a limping, drooling hulk of a dog who likes to bark at things. He looks mean and has scared the meter reader from the city utility company and a few neighborhood children.

My plan, then, is to chain him to a tree in my front yard during campaign season when I'm home. He wouldn't bite anyone, of course, but look at him -- he could do a lot of damage if he decided to attack someone. Hopefully, that bluff will be enough to scare of politicians. The only flaw here, of course, is that any sleazy politician who gets up the nerve to approach Winston will find out that he's a big baby who just wants to be petted.

Ever had a dog put his paws on your shoulders and give you a hug? Winston does that whenever he can. A hugging dog isn't exactly a mean dog, is he?

Ah, but Winston is only my first line of defense.

Step 2 -- more campaign signs than you can shake a stick at

In addition to my mean-looking dog, I intend to ward off those obnoxious politicians with a bunch of campaign signs. Before even the primaries begin, I figure on taking a look at all the contested races, choosing the candidates I support and then sticking their campaign signs in my yard.

Here's my logic. Let's say John Doe is running for King of Benton against Sneaky Pete. I decided to support John Doe so I get one of his signs and put it in my yard.

John Doe won't stop by and pester me because he's already got my vote, whereas Sneaky Pete might decide to pass my house by and bother my neighbors. After all, what's the point of wasting time talking to a voter who is already committed to a candidate?

The flaw here is that my wife might choose to support a candidate I oppose. In that case, there would be no campaign sign supporting any candidate in a particular race. The lack of a sign, then, might be interpreted as an invitation to show up and beg for votes.

Step 3 -- ask candidates to do menial tasks

If a candidate isn't scared off by the big, barking dog or deterred by a yard full of campaign signs, then I'll resort to a trick I used in college to get rid of vote seekers.

Back when I was a freshman, I was ironing a shirt. Some fellow stopped by who was running for student senate. He started to tell me why he was great and his candidate was an egg-sucking fascist when I interrupted him.

"I'll vote for you if you come in and iron my shirt," I said.

"I'm not ironing your shirt!"

"Then I'm not voting for you."

I shut the door in his face, leaving him standing out in the hall of the dorm. He didn't bother me again. Oh, and I made good on my promise not to vote for him.

A similar tactic would work with these people oozing around my neighborhood and begging for votes.

Conclusion

Follow The Hawg's three-step plan and you, too, could avoid getting pestered during campaign seasons. Of course, I'll be glad when election day has come and gone and we can get back to the business of simply hating the government as a whole instead of despising individuals begging for votes.

Wordless Wednesday -- Election Edition!

Yes, just in time for the elections next week. If this doesn't sum it all up, I don't know what does. Crank up that volume so Henry Rollins can yell at you.

And for a bonus, here's Beavis and Butt-Head watching the video!

Some fun, huh? Make sure to visit the other Wordless Wednesday participants by clicking right here.

Where the hell were these things when my daughter was small?

No, this isn't a paid post -- just a few scribbles about something I wish would have been around when my seven-year-old daughter was a wee baby.

Some products are just so cool that you've got to mention them, see?

Here's the deal. When I married my wife, our son was two-year-old (I've adopted the little stinker). So I was totally unprepared when my daughter came into the world.

Young Brenda drove me up the wall with her constant howling. If there's anything that makes one want to reach for a bottle more than a squalling infant, I'm not sure what it is.

Of course, you can't sit around drinking when you've got a young life that's depending on you for, well, everything. So, what can you do?

Ah, put that kid in a smart-alecky Onesie in hopes of laughing away all those frayed nerves, sleepless nights and all the fun that comes with raising an infant. So I found these things over at Blonde Designs while searching for a gift for a baby that would annoy a parent.

I don't know about you folks, but I would have been thrilled to get one of these to slap on my daughter when she was an infant because it pretty well sums up the joys of having infants around, doesn't it?

Yes, they scream all the time and can't do a thing for themselves. A good number of the early photos I have of my daughter, in fact, feature her wailing about one thing or another. And, of course, she couldn't tell me what was wrong -- that just added to my frustration.

By the way, mothers shouldn't be left out -- you can get a "Mommy Drinks" Onesie and join fathers in saying "God help me!" to the world. Fun, fun!

Indeed, that Onesie might be horrible, but it compliments my odd sense of humor just fine. I should point out that I really do enjoy being a parent -- something I must mention as some of my childless friends tend to look nervous and scared if they're on the verge of parenthood and hear my relate some tales of raising children.

Rookies. There's just no way to understand the mixture of joy and frustration that come with children until you've actually been there, is there.

So, what do y'all think? Are these Onesies great or absolutely monstrous?

Arkansas' severe image problem

Back when I was in law school at the University of Arkansas, I lived next door to three Palestinians.

They were all engineering students and one of them, Sam, was raised in a Catholic, English-speaking part of his country. One of the most popular shows there was The Beverly Hillbillies.

Sam and his family watched the Beverly Hillbillies for years. When he told his parents he had chosen to attend the University of Arkansas, his mother started crying and was afraid her son was heading off to Hicksville, U.S.A.

Yes, she assumed that the people poor Sam would deal with would be like the unrefined rubes on the Beverly Hillbillies and she was afraid for her son. Even among some people in the United States, Arkansas is regarded as an area crawling with gun-wielding hicks who are racist, violent, lacking even in the most rudimentary social skills and dumb as posts.

Now, Sam's mother and father came to Fayetteville to visit their son and see how he was holding up in college. They were pleasantly surprised, as are most people who bother to spend any time here.

I'll put it this way. The very reason I lived next door to three Palestinians is that all of them were engineering students at the University of Arkansas. I met a ton of international students while in Fayetteville and most of them were earning their degrees in engineering.

Why? Because we've got one of the best engineering programs anywhere and it represents a phenomenal value -- reputation and price bring a lot of international students to the UA. That engineering school, see, is something that people not familiar with Arkansas simply wouldn't expect to find here.

They probably wouldn't expect to discover that the University of Arkansas has the top creative writing program in the nation and the only masters in agricultural law in the nation. I earned my bachelor's degree at Hendrix College in Conway, a school that manages to fly under the radar in spite of the fact that it has a great academic reputation (the fact that it's located in the middle of Arkansas causes a lot of people not to give it a second look, sadly).

That's pretty typical, really. There are a lot of great things about Arkansas that can be regarded as well kept secrets. People who have spent some time here know what the state is all about, and the rest of them can keep looking down their noses at us for all I care. I enjoy our low cost of living, an economy that tends to expand even when other parts of the nation are in financial chaos, a relatively sparse population, the citizens' almost universal distrust of the government and the charming habit of people to keep their noses out of others' business.

A little business

Actually, that's commonly pronounced "bidness" here in beautiful Arkansas.

"I started my own bidness last year, so now I am a bidnessman," someone might say.

"School was rough today," you might hear a child say. "Man, the other kids were really giving me the bidness!"

Enough of that. Every now and again, it's important to take care of a little housecleaning here at The Natural State Hawg. So, I'll do that now. Don't worry -- it should be relatively painless and there's even an audience participation part of this post, so stay tuned.

The Super Blogger Award!

Theresa over at A Bumpy Path was handing out awards, and I couldn't resist the urge up one of the little darlings. So, I'm now the proud owner of the Super Blogger award. To be honest, Theresa's instructions on this award are fairly vague -- "If you're a regular visitor, help yourself."

So, I have helped myself to this award and I'm inviting all you regular readers (you know who you are) to do the same. I like that method of giving out awards as there are more than a few of them out there that have a lot of strings attached.

That's fine with me, of course, but I always appreciate a no-hassle award, and that's exactly what The Super Blogger award is. We have approached an award on another blog in which I'm heavily involved, The All Arkie Army, the same way. Handing someone an award and saying "good job" is a wonderful thing -- it's a sincere honor.

By the way, Theresa is one of the nicest bloggers out there. She is a member of the All Arkie Army and is one of those people who gave me a lot of encouragement, advice and technical tips when I started blogging about three months ago. Check out her blogs if you haven't already done so -- she runs A Bumpy Path and Eyebald.

Paid posts?

Now, here's the audience participation part I mentioned earlier. I've been thinking about writing more paid posts, something I haven't done just a whole lot of in the past. Why? I spend a hell of a lot of time writing for and promoting this blog and the aforementioned All Arkie Army. It would be nice to make a little cash here and there.

Initially, I thought some passive advertising was the way to go, but Google AdSense simply isn't getting the job done. I mention Google AdSense because that's the only service that has actually made me any money (the rest of them have been duds).

Here's the breakdown on how rotten that service has been. I started running AdSense three months ago and, during that time, have recorded 40,899 page impressions (those ads have popped up on my blogs that many times), yet have only gotten 207 clicks. To date, then, I have made $79.49 -- I haven't even hit that $100 mark yet and I can't cash out until I do.

And, that's the most lucrative service I've tried. Here's the problem -- no one wants to click on the AdSense ads. I can't say I blame them. I rarely click on them, either, unless I'm dealing with a blogger that I really like and that individual has put up a fantastic post (kind of like a tip, see). Usually, however, I just ignore those ads and I'm sure that is what's happening on my blog.

So, my question to you good people is this -- does it seem cheap and mercenary to get more paid posts? Would that discourage people from visiting my blog? Are there better alternatives to making a little cash here and there than paid posts?

I'd love to hear some honest responses to those questions. I get a lot of traffic over here and I'd like that to continue. People stop in and comment and that makes blogging worthwhile.

A sort of apology to Entrecard visitors

If you want more traffic and don't have an Entrecard account, click right here and get one. Don't ask questions. Just do it. The amount of traffic you'll get will amaze you.

One thing about Entrecard is that you can only drop cards on 300 blogs per day. I've been passing 300 visitors through Entrecard lately, so I've not been able to reciprocate on some blogs. I do apologize for that. I've been a reciprocal dropper since I started at Entrecard, but the site has worked so well for me that I've not been able to return visits as often as I'd like.

If I don't pay your blog a visit, then, it's not because I don't like your blog -- I simply can't keep up with everyone right now.

Digg kind of sucks

I'm going to scale back on my participation in Digg as the site requires a lot of work for very little reward. These days, I get about 100 shouts from people wanting me to Digg their stuff. In return, I get about 20 to 30 Diggs (on a good day!) on my articles.

I'd rather use Entrecard for social marketing. It seems to work much better. If you put in some time on Entrecard, you will be rewarded with a lot of traffic. That's pretty well guaranteed.

I am impressed with Reddit, however. Danny over at the Mortgage and More Blog was kind enough to submit this post of mine to Reddit earlier tonight and I got about 90 visitors in around 3 hours. That's phenomenal and it beats the hell out of anything I've ever gotten through Digg. Maybe I should start spending some time over at Reddit.

Over the past couple of days, I've learned that writing about popular topics will absolutely drive search engine traffic to your blog. Over that All Arkie Army, I submitted this post about the tragic death of Anne Pressly, a morning anchor at KATV in Little Rock (you can read about the whole sordid mess by clicking right here and heading to the CNN story about it).

I should point out that I wrote my little blurb simply because Pressly was a very good person who fell victim to the raging crime problem in Little Rock. I didn't go searching for keywords that would drive traffic to the All Arkie Army -- I figured there were enough things floating around on the Internet about Pressly that my little post would get lost in the shuffle, in fact. However, that post did hit the search engines and the Army received a ton of traffic.

That probably won't happen very often as I ramble on about all kinds of random junk and not much of it is exactly popular. Regardless, I was schooled in what some good key words can do for you.

That's all, folks!

How to make soccer popular in the U.S. (Part 2)

A few days ago, I posted a plan -- a brilliant plan that would make soccer popular in the United States.

If you haven't seen it yet, you need to take a look at it by clicking right here. Why do I say it's a brilliant plan? Because I thought of it in conjunction with my little brother (hereafter referred to as The Defector because he left Arkansas to be an optometrist in North Carolina) and he's smarter than your good friend, The Hawg. He graduated first in his class after earning his degree in chemical engineering from the University of Arkansas and graduated second after earning his optometry degree from Chicago. The kid's smart, so any plan in which he participates is automatically brilliant.

Anyway, I was visiting with The Defector just the other day as he was reviewing The Hawg/The Defector plan for making soccer popular in the U.S. The Defector said it all looked good, but he had a few more suggestions. So, we visited and I, The Hawg, have decided that our additions to the original plan are well worth mentioning. Here's what we came up with:

The XSL

Originally, The Defector and I, The Hawg, had talked about turning our blueprint over to Major League Soccer (MLS), the group that is in charge with pro soccer in the United States. But we realized that MLS was part of the problem -- that group sticks with the brand of soccer that just hasn't gained traction here in America.

No, we need to make soccer popular through a new league. Thus, the concept of the eXtreme Soccer League (XSL) was born. It is very important to have our brilliant plan implemented by a new league for at least a couple of reasons.

Now, the MLS is a league that has stuck to its original game plan in spite of the fact that soccer is now about as popular as the WNBA. That's right. The MLS has been around for 15 years, and soccer is no more popular now than it was back then. The group has failed in its hope to promote soccer and is, therefore, useless. The MLS seems hell bent on sticking with the idea that soccer as it is played in the rest of the world will catch on here.

We don't need the MLS. We don't need a group that would pervert or modify our reforms based on pure stubbornness. And, yes, the MLS is stubborn -- what else would you call a group that hasn't modified its plan in spite of the fact that it is promoting a product that interests almost no one?

Also, there's something to be said for good marketing. This is America, and even no-talent trash like Britney Spears can be successful with good marketing. I, by the way, predicted years ago that Britney's career would hit a wall and she'd be reduced to starring in porn flicks with provocative titles such as Britney Speared to make a living. It turns out I was only half right. That no-talent tart's career has been extended through some great marketing.

Anyway, The Defector and I figured the XSL brand would be an easy thing to market well. For one thing, people just love sports that are "extreme," and we could certainly promote the hell out of that angle. So, we're taking a few cues from the short-lived XFL.

We will approach the XSL differently, although we'll steal some ideas from the XFL. Yes, we'll allow players to put whatever they want on the back of their uniforms. Remember Rod Smart, the running back for Las Vegas? He had "He Hate Me" plastered on the back of his uniform and became an overnight celebrity, as a result. That's pretty cool stuff, and it's exactly the type of thing we'd promote in the XSL.

And you'd better believe we'd have a "He Hate Me" in our new league. There's no doubt about that.

Also, let's not forget that the XFL was competing against a sport that was pretty violent. It simply came up short in the "extreme" department. The XSL, on the other hand, is competing against a sport that's pretty tame, so the extreme nature of the sport will be offered as a clear alternative to the decidedly tame soccer that's available now.

Furthermore, we can demonstrate the differences in our soccer by running marketing campaigns that touch on the idea that the "XS stands for eXceSsive violence." That's a winner, kids.

The two-point line

What's the most exciting development in the NBA over the past couple of decades? The three-point line. That has led to more points and the emphasis on drafting players who can hit a shot from beyond that line. The game, as a result, has become more exciting.

Ah, The Hawg/The Defector improvements call for something almost as exciting -- the two-point line. Yes, just imagine the thrill. Your team is down by 1 point and the end of the game draws near. Suddenly, He Hate Me takes the ball down the field, holds up just beyond the two-point line, kicks the ball and scores a goal, thus securing a win for the Central Arkansas Butt Kickers. The crowd goes wild!

What could be better than that? A two-point line would be invaluable to a game in which scoring is rare. It would add a whole new dimension to the game! Ah, that's an innovation, to be sure.

Conclusion

Give us a chance. We'll change soccer and make it more popular in the United States. We promise!

If you haven't done so already, check out Part 1 of this nonsense by clicking right here.

Arkansas loses -- again

Yes, it's true -- the Arkansas Razorbacks lost to the Ole Miss Rebels on Saturday by the score of 23-21.

That puts Arkansas' record at 3-5 (1-4 in the SEC) and Ole Miss at 4-4 (2-3 in the SEC). I won't even pretend to claim this was a monumental battle in the SEC West because the truth is that both teams suck this year and are going nowhere. If you want to read a detailed report of this game, you can find a good recap right here.

No, what' s more important is that this game marked the return of Arkansas' immediate head coach, Houston Nutt, to the Natural State. Nutt, by the way, is that charming figure in all his glory in the photo at the top of this post.

Nutt was here for 10 years and a lot of us in this state came to hate him. He was replaced by Bobby Petrino who is busily dealing with the mess Nutt left. Petrino has a young team with a shaky quarterback, a secondary that lacks confidence and an offensive line that is porous on a good day.

What irritated me last year when the buzzards were circling around Nutt and has bugged me over the past week is that there are still members of the press who feel bad for poor, picked on Houston. The worst of the lot remains Gregg Doyel, who's latest bit of ass-kissery can be found right here.

Comments from Doyel and his ilk reinforce my notion that people who are wholly unfamiliar with a situation ought to shut the hell up about it. Frankly, I'm glad we're rid of a coach who comes across as a subliterate hick every time he opens his fat mouth, manages to lose bowl games to scrubby teams such as UNLV (the Hogs completely folded in 2000 in the Las Vegas bowl against that team) and consistently kept Arkansas in the middle of the pack in the SEC.

Most of the Nutt apologists seem to hit on the issue that Arkansas kind of sucks, so we're fools to expect to do well at anything. In other words, Nutt might not be great, but he's the best we can do so we should have been nicer to him. Yes, we hear things such as "Nutt did less with more" from his defenders, and I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of it for a couple of reasons. First of all, Fayetteville isn't a backwater and is, in fact, a very nice, small Southern city. I'm certain it's as least as great a place to be as Lincoln, Neb., or Norman, Okla., but you didn't see the colleges in those towns settle for second best. No, the universities of Nebraska and Oklahoma built solid programs because they wanted solid programs and didn't give a damn about where those colleges were located. Top-notch players line up to go to Oklahoma and lined up at one time to go to Nebraska because they were winning programs that were nationally competitive.

There's no reason Arkansas can't establish a winning tradition, as well. The University of Arkansas simply wasn't going to get there with Nutt. He couldn't recruit worth a damn and he's a fair-to-middling coach at best.

Less with more? Let me explain that sentiment away like this. Arkansas had the best backfield in the nation last year with Darren McFadden and Felix Jones. The Hogs went nowhere with those two backs, who are rookies in the NFL and have turned heads this year.

Nutt replaced Ed Orgeron at Ole Miss, a coach who couldn't win games but could recruit extremely well. Ole Miss is loaded with more talent than that school has seen for years, yet the team is 2-3 in the SEC and just had trouble pulling off a win over the worst Razorbacks club in terms of talent and experience that has taken the field in over a decade.

And that, folks, is why Nutt was run out of the state. His teams will pull of an upset every now and again, but he'll never coach a consistent, upper-tier team in the SEC or any other major conference.

The national sports writers that are in love with the guy need to shut their damned mouths about Nutt's history at Arkansas. We're well rid of him, and we don't need anyone to tell us we made a mistake. We didn't. We're right, they're wrong and they need to keep their noses out of our business.

To read about one of the few Benton Panthers' victories this season, go right here!

How to make soccer popular in the U.S. (Part 1)

Americans, as a whole, have never embraced soccer.

My brother and I were discussing that just the other night. Now my little brother left Arkansas a few years ago and headed to North Carolina to establish his career as an optometrist. Henceforth, then, I shall refer to him as The Defector.

Anyway, The Defector and I came up with a few simple rules changes that will help soccer achieve popularity here in the United States. When The Hawg and The Defector put their minds to something, you can just bet that sheer genius results.

The problem, as we figure it, is two-fold for soccer. First of all, we've already got a couple of slow moving, boring games in the U.S. -- baseball and pro basketball during the regular season (we all know those NBA fellows run at about half speed until they get to the playoffs, right?) I love baseball, but the pace is decidedly slow.

Soccer has the same problem -- pass, pass, kick, pass, shoot on goal, miss, kick, kick, pass. Yes, it goes on forever and scoring is rare. If you want methodical strategy and a relaxed pace, baseball is your game here. For the people who can't handle all the fun and excitement of baseball, you've got golf. I won't really address golf here. Golf on television sucks.

Second, soccer has a lot to compete with, doesn't it? Football, baseball, hockey, basketball, NASCAR, golf, arena league football, tennis -- the list goes on and on. In order to compete, a sport really has to stand out from everything else, right?

The Defector and I have come up with a few, simple modifications to make soccer the fun, riot-inducing game we know it can be. Here, briefly, are the suggested changes that will make soccer as popular in the U.S. as it is in the rest of the world:

Tripping and kicking are legal

That's right. Players are allowed -- hell, encouraged, to trip and kick each other. What could be more exciting than that? No longer will the player he purposefully trips an opponent be greeted with some sissy referee waving a little card around. No, that player will be cheered!

Just imagine. Player A is kicking a ball down the field. Player B arrives, trips Player A and then steals the ball. What's more, Player B pauses long enough to kick Player A when he's down. Who wouldn't get excited over that?

Of course, players would be discouraged from using their hands -- that's just keeping with tradition. Still, just about all kinds of contact would be allowed, yet outright punching would be discouraged.

The key word here, of course, is discouraged -- punching wouldn't be illegal per se, but one player hitting another would lead to some nasty consequences that would thrill audiences but likely run up players' hospital bills. What's that consequence? The mandatory brawl.

Mandatory brawling

So, let's say one player does punch another. What happens? Why, the mandatory brawl rule comes into play. As soon as one player punches another (with the exception of goalies -- more on that in a bit), both teams are required to fight each other.

Yes, as soon as a punch is thrown, a bench-clearing brawl is to take place immediately. Any players that don't join in the brawl are heavily fined and the team with the most number of players not participating in the fight automatically forfeits the game.

Goals and goalies

One of the major problems with soccer, of course, is that not enough points are scored. Everyone loves to see high-scoring games, after all. Just look at how much people prefer home runs in baseball to the "old" game in which teams strategically hit singles and doubles in order to advance runners.

So, we make the goals in soccer big. Really big. Big enough to cover the entire end of the field, in fact. Yes, we'll see plenty of goals scored then.

Ah, but we need more people to defend those goals, right? So we have two goalies instead of one and those goalies have an additional ability -- they can punch other players with no consequence. Goalies have always been able to use their hands, after all, so let's take that ability to the logical extreme.

Taunting and celebrating

To hell with good sportsmanship. Under the proposed The Hawg/The Defector rules, players will be encouraged to taunt each other. Going back to our Player A/Player B example, let's say that Player B wants to gloat a bit over his victory.

"You suck and your mother is a filthy whore!" Player B yells as Player A is lying on the ground.

There's no problem at all there. In fact, if fans are lucky, Player A would get angry, get off the ground and punch Player B, thus bringing the mandatory brawling rule into play and giving fans a real treat.

Also, players are more than free to engage in excessive celebrations after scoring goals. They can sing, dance and openly mock the other team. Riling the opposing team will likely result in punches being thrown often, thus enacting our mandatory brawling rule once again.

Conclusion

If these rules were put in place for soccer in the U.S., you'd players would become celebrities over night and the sport would start to dominate in this country.

Yes, The Hawg and The Defector may have just saved soccer's future in America. Hopefully, we'll be compensated well as soon as our plan is enacted. Moreover, those soccer riots in other countries will look like tea parties compared to the outright wars fans will start here as they react emotionally to the extreme violence on the field.

Want more nonsense? Check out Part 2 by clicking right here!

Worldess Wednesday -- The Call!

Ah, there are times when The Hawg just misses the 1980s and that has a lot to do with the music back then.

Here's one from The Call from way on back in 1983. There was a great band that never got the credit it deserved, and "The Walls Came Down" was the best thing the Call recorded.

Turn up those speakers, enjoy, and check out the other Wordless Wednesday participants (or submit something of your own!) when you're done listening.

...And Tuesday was always A-Team Day!

Let me tell you folks something -- approaching middle age sucks.

I don't give a damn for it, in fact. Furthermore I've gotten sick of people laying one of that insufferable, annoying shred of pop philosophy on me -- "Well, it beats the alternative."

If I hear that one more time, I may haul off and pop the alleged philosopher who's spouting that thread worn nonsense. The Hawg doesn't like aging one bit and I'm mad about it. So there.

I turn 40-years-old next year and was discussing aging with a friend of mine from college not long ago. We were talking about friends who have been divorced a couple of times, classmates that have dropped dead, the fact that most everyone we know seems to have wound up with one health problem or another since hitting 30-years-old and other cheery topics. We sounded like two old hens who were combing through the obituaries and checking to see who died while carping about our latest surgeries.

He said, "Ethan, it's ridiculous that we've gotten this old."

I agree.

Here's the thing. I'm looking forward to getting old as you can retire when you're old. You can be a raging eccentric when you're old and no one cares. Yes, I'll be the guy wearing a hunter's orange vest, a pair of shorts with black, knee-high socks and walking a little dog on a thin red leash. I might even grow a flowing ZZ-Top beard and loudly gripe about the government at the Waffle House every morning. No one will say a blasted thing to me about my erratic behavior, either, and I wouldn't care if they did.

Ah, but this middle age stuff is rather like being in limbo. You still feel young, see, but your body tells you that's a bunch of crap. I look like an idiot banging on my Fender Deluxe Stratocaster and churning out distorted barre chords while pausing long enough to pull a wave of fresh feedback out of my amp. I was setting up a tennis game with a friend of mine not long ago and we were both feeling too down to schedule anything for at least a couple of weeks (he griped about his bad back, I groaned about ulcerative colitis and we both realized things had changed for us since high school). Fortunately, most of the people I've known for years who are approaching middle age are about as bewildered about it all as I am.

One thing that happens when you get older is that you get downright sentimental about your childhood. Lately, for some reason, I've been thinking about those somewhat carefree days in junior high when every Tuesday was A-Team Day.

Ah, yes. I would wander around throughout the day at Eastside Junior High in Benton, Ark., just waiting for Tuesday night as I would get to see those fun-loving mercenaries from the A-Team evade the military police and right wrongs. The early 1980s were a golden time, indeed, and I'll fight anyone who says a cross word about the A-Team. Don't be like a friend of mine who referred to it as the Gay Team just to rile me. That's not cool at all.

If you're not familiar with the A-Team, I'm amazed at your lack of knowledge of our great pop culture. Click right here (in shame!) and educate yourself.

Yes, B.A. was always irritated by the crazy fool Murdock, Hannibal loved it when a plan came together and that suave Face was always running one con or another. It was all great fun and I loved every episode.

Was it junk television? Of course it was. Regardless, there's something to be said about a show that represented the best of 1980s escapism.

Did the fun-loving lads in the A-Team sit behind a desk while wearing suits and shuffling papers around all day long? Hell no! They wore fatigues, carried guns and their office was a ridiculously customized van. How do you like them apples?

Did the A-Team bow to authority or compromise their beliefs in hopes of staying employed? No! The stayed one step ahead of the law and ran around the world correcting wrongs and shooting up things.

The lads in the A-Team didn't get stuck in ruts and there wasn't a problem in the world that couldn't be solved with either automatic weapons fire, fisticuffs or the sheer innovation that allowed them to do things like rummage around in an abandoned garage for spare parts and build a Sherman tank out of rusty sheet metal, some coat hangers and spit.

What brought on all this decidedly shallow introspection? I was putting together an icon for another blog I run -- The All Arkie Army -- when I got the impish idea of modeling it after the A-Team visual at the first of every show. Go ahead and have a look. See that stenciled "A" on a red background? That's all A-Team, baby.

I also decided I'd head over to eBay before long and pick up those Marvel A-Team comic books that were around for just a bit in the 1980s. Yes, as soon as my Google Adsense account hits $100 (quit laughing -- it'll get there one day) I'll be blowing some of that fat (thin?) cash on all kinds of junk as that will be irresponsible, guilt-free money. A-Team comic books will certainly be included in the pile of loot I'll get with all that Adsense cash.

Now, don't go getting the idea that The Hawg is broke. I make a pretty good living, but we're building up our savings at Casa de Hawg because we've got this wacky notion that having some money around things like retirement and sending the kids to college is a good idea. Running around and buying junk seems, well, inappropriate in that setting. Ah, but Adsense cash is completely guilt-free, so why not go nuts, yeah?

By the way, does anyone really go and click on those Adsense ads? If anyone has any success stories about how Adsense worked for them, I'd love to hear them. I've been stuck at around $80 since the first of October and have gotten one whole ad click this entire month. I'd be amazed if Adsense worked terribly well for anyone, frankly, but I suppose there are some people out there who love it.

Oddly, thinking back on those A-Team days made me realize that I had a pretty great childhood. While some kids were dealing with divorces, abusive parents, poverty, ostracism and the other things that plague youngsters, I had it pretty good.

Ultimately, I hope my children look back on their childhoods and get as sentimental as I have been lately. Only time will tell, I suppose.

Hogs lose a heartbreaker

Everyone but the most deluded Arkansas Razorbacks fans knew that the Hogs were going to have a terrible season.

That knowledge didn't make the Hogs' 21-20 loss to Kentucky on Saturday any easier. Why? The Razorbacks had that game won -- the team had a 13 point lead with 5 minutes left in the game and blew it.

That's right -- the team absolutely folded and Kentucky won. How the hell do you blow a 13-point lead in the last few minutes of a game?

Folks, it's almost too much for The Hawg to take. Arkansas has been rotten this year, but that Kentucky game hurt more than than the drubbings the Hogs have taken at the hands of Alabama, Florida and Texas combined. To make things worse, Arkansas looked decent against Auburn last week, so a lot of us were hoping the young Razorbacks were finally coming around and learning how to play a little football.

Simply put, the Razorbacks (3-4, 1-3 in the SEC) failed and gave the Kentucky Wildcats (5-2, 1-2 in the SEC) their first conference victory. It would appear, then, that the Wildcats were very wise in scheduling Arkansas for the homecoming game.

The most revealing thing about the game is just how much former head coach Houston Nutt emphasized the running game. Folks, running back Michael Smith is the Razorbacks' offense. How solid was Smith? He rushed for 192 yards and a touchdown and received for 33 yards and a touchdown. That's 225 total yards and 2 touchdowns -- not bad when you consider the rest of the offense contributed 105 yards and two field goals.

Now, here's the kicker. Smith is now listed as day-to-day due to a concussion he sustained while being run to death in the Kentucky game. There's a chance he might not be able to play on Saturday. Without Smith, the Hogs are done.

Anyway, back to the Kentucky game. Struggling quarterback Casey Dick threw for 94 yards, a touchdown and two interceptions. Thanks to the dreadful offensive line, Dick was sacked three times and was hurried into at least one of those interceptions.

It was a hard game to watch. The offensive line seems adept at opening up holes for Smith, but can't protect Dick (yeah, I chuckled when writing that -- it's true in both a figurative and literal sense). Nutt went and recruited players for a running offense and it shows.

Did anything good come out of Saturday's game. Actually, yes. Petrino may have finally found a field goal kicker in Shay Haddock, who managed to boot a couple of balls through the uprights on Saturday. Perhaps Petrino has solved that problem.

Also, the team is improving. We've got a bunch of kids on that team who were playing high school ball this time last year, and that bunch almost beat Kentucky on Saturday and did manage to beat Auburn the previous week.

Here's hoping the team is very improved, indeed, when Houston Nutt and Ole Miss come to Fayetteville next week. Of course, we all hate Houston Nutt and, fortunately, Ole Miss plays like a Nutt-coached team. Ole Miss, having lost to Alabama on Saturday, is also 1-3 in the SEC. I hope Arkansas stomps Nutt into the ground.

I also hope Arkansas fans boo Nutt throughout the entire game and throw garbage at him. It's better than he deserves.

Next year the Hogs will be better. Still, watching this team struggle through the current season is difficult, indeed. I'm certain this season has increased liquor sales at package stores around the state.

My beloved Benton Panthers aren't holding up too well, either. Read all about it right here.

Big changes at the All Arkie Army!

As I've griped about several times on here over the past couple of months, I got dog sick and was unable to get a lot of things done.

I've pretty much kept up with my job, my primary blog -- The Natural State Hawg -- and have, sadly, not done much at all with The All Arkie Army. I put that one together a few months ago for the purpose of providing a place for Arkansas bloggers to promote their content. Of course, we've got some people on there with Arkansas ties, too.

I'm finally healthy again and find myself in the mood to pay some attention to the little blog that I've unfortunately neglected. To that end, we've got a few changes in store.

First of all, we're moving from simply posting links here and there to reproducing entire articles that have something to do with the Natural State or are just ones that participants happen to like. Some of that content will be original, whereas some will not be. Of course, people will still come in and link to their articles and that's just fine.

I'm not limiting what people can post at all. I suspect people will still simply use the All Arkie Army as a way to link to their blogs. That's just fine. I simply believe some Arkansas-specific content that's reproduced in full will be useful to all who visit.

Also, I had hoped to get the All Arkie Army listed on Entrecard, but the blog was rejected for want of original content. More original content should help us get around that problem and, thus, drive some more traffic to the blog. We'll just see how it works out over the next month or so.

Now, most of the great ideas I've come up with over the years have been stolen and I can't claim credit for this one. No, my friend Theresa Komor over at Eyebald and A Bumpy Path came up with the idea of having more original content on the All Arkie Army in hopes of having more of a magazine format. That was a great idea and I've shamelessly stolen it. That's pretty much par for the course.

Second, I have been inspired by the very kind ladies over at Margie and Edna's Basement. Not long ago, those nice ladies presented me with the Special Tea Award. That award was special because there were absolutely no strings attached. That's right -- I didn't have to pass it around or anything like that. It was a simple token of appreciation and I love that idea.

When you combine that concept with my desire to be a Kentucky Colonel, what do you get? That's right -- an award through which people will be named Captains in the All Arkie Army. The award is not meant to be passed on and will be awarded to bloggers out there that we just like. How cool is that? I hope it works out like that, at least.

So, there are big changes in store at the All Arkie Army -- some things I've been meaning to implement for some time but just haven't felt up to it. So, if you are an Arkansan or have ties to this wonderful state, please pay us a visit and think about applying for membership. Instructions on how to join can be found right here.

A holiday of my very own

A couple of days ago, I was reading this post over at that fun Freaky Frugalite blog about National Grouch Day.

It's only fair to point out that the ladies over at Margie and Edna's basement wrote about the same holiday. At any rate, I ran across those posts around the same time someone else was talking about Wash Your Hands Day. Yes, it seems there's a whole holiday dedicated to spreading the message about the importance of washing one's hands.

That holiday may come hot on the heels of some other amazingly important holidays such as International Wipe Your Butt Day and World Don't Forget to Brush Your Teeth Day.

Anyway, that all got me thinking -- it seems like there are a lot of odd holidays showing up these days. So, I did a bit of research and found that there are all kinds of odd holidays and the United Nations has come up with its fair share of them. Just take a look at that list and you'll be amazed at how many international holidays are recognized by that do-nothing UN.

You've got everything from World Rabies Day to World Sleep Day on that list, leaving one to wonder just what the hell it is they do over at the UN.

Since everyone and their dog is coming up with a holiday, I have decided to come up with one of my own. I'll make my special holiday June 16, which is my birthday (and the day that follows World Blood Donor Day and precedes World Day to Combat Desertification and Drought).

What's my holiday? Why, it's Universal Send Cash to The Hawg Day! Now there's a holiday I can support and I sincerely hope that everyone observes it, has fun with it and sends cash over to your friend, The Hawg.

Now, the rules are simple. If you happen to live in the universe, then you are allowed to celebrate Universal Send Cash to The Hawg Day by, well, shipping a few bucks my way. And remember -- I'll accept cash only as the government can trace and tax everything else.

So, you're probably wondering why you should be bothered to celebrate Universal Send Cash to The Hawg Day. After all, you may be tired out from participating in World Blood Donor Day on June 14, not to mention being exhausted from all the frivolity that takes place on World Day Against Child Labor on June 12.

Ah, but my holiday is an essential one. Why? Because your cash could help me realize my dream of sitting on my front porch every morning, drinking coffee and waving at my neighbors as they head to work. I'm sure that's a cause the universe can get behind and support. I'm enthusiastic about it, at least.

Also, just think of the fun parents can have with their children. Yes, parents could encourage kids to save up their change all year long and send it to me every June 16. Such an exercise will prepare the young children for life. After all, what is paying taxes but sending your cash to someone you don't know and getting very little in return? Participating in Universal Send Cash to The Hawg Day would get those kids good and conditioned to assume their vital role as compliant taxpayers who don't complain about being robbed by the government. That's important stuff, folks.

So, how does one celebrate Universal Send Cash to The Hawg Day? Shoot off fireworks, sing songs about The Hawg's greatness, study up on the history of Arkansas, cook a huge dinner and invite the family over -- that's all up to you. Just so long as the ritual of sending cash to The Hawg is observed, you're free to do whatever you want on my esteemed holiday.

Sound good? I think so.

Arkansas Supreme Court keeps lottery on ballot

According to this story, the Arkansas Supreme Court has decided that we humble voters can decide whether to allow a statewide lottery.

Good for them, and phooey on the Arkansas Family Council for bringing a lawsuit and trying to keep the issue off the November ballot. It's typically a leftist move to run to the courts and try to keep people from voting on issues. The Arkansas Family Council -- a conservative group based in Little Rock -- ought to be ashamed of using leftie tactics to keep an issue from appearing before the voters.

Now, don't get me wrong. I hate the idea of an Arkansas lottery, but I'd rather have that issue presented to voters than letting the state Supreme Court take an active role in the legislative process. I'm a conservative and, as such, I have more faith in my fellow Arkansans than in the state's various institutions.

Why do I hate lotteries? More often than not, they are dreamed up by cowardly lawmakers who are afraid to push for tax increases. Also, the funds are fungible, meaning that the money that was once used to pay for the programs now financed by lotteries are moved to other things.

Arkansas Lieutenant Gov. Bill "Clintonista" Halter has claimed a lottery could raise $100 million for education. The Arkansas Department of Finance and Administration, meanwhile, estimates the lottery could raise $55 million. Whichever estimate is right, it's pretty clear that there would be a substantial sum to award in the form of academic scholarships in Arkansas.

But what of the money that's going toward scholarships now? Yes, that will quietly be tucked away in the general fund with absolutely no subsequent tax break for the tax-paying public. In other words, the state government that already has plenty of cash will just get more -- a fact that is not being disclosed at all by proponents of the lottery amendment.

Such trickery annoys me. Not long ago, for example, the sales tax on food was cut in Arkansas. That was wildly popular, of course, but the state government simply made up for the loss by taxing other things. It wasn't a tax cut at all.

Also, what happens to programs financed by the lottery should revenue come in at far less than expected? Hell, we've got Clintonista Halter saying this measure will bring in $100 million while the Department of Finance and Revenue estimates the program will net $55 million. That's a pretty big gulf, of course, leading one to suspect it's hard to project just how much revenue will be brought in by a lottery.

That's a major problem when it comes to budgeting. Let's say the lottery is wildly popular and routinely brings in $100 million. So, programs are put in place that are dependent on the lottery for revenue. What happens to that program when revenue drops to, say, $70 million? Are programs simply cut? Remember, we can't go back to the cash that is now paying for scholarships and grants -- that will be applied elsewhere.

One might argue that such uncertainty is typical as you get drops in tax revenue when the economy goes bad. However, bear in mind that this state is well financed and its budget surpluses aren't uncommon. In other words, programs that are paid for by honest-to-goodness taxes are based on a solid foundation as far as funding is concerned.

Finally, I have a major problem with all the hubbub over a statewide lottery because it takes the focus off the real problem in this state when it comes to college education. Namely, we're 49th in the country in terms of how many citizens hold at least a bachelor's degree. We're sending plenty of Arkansans to Arkansas, so what's happening to them?

A lot of them aren't staying here. My brother, for example, graduated first in his class with a bachelor's in chemical engineering that he earned at the University of Arkansas. He graduated second in his class with an optometry degree from Chicago. Where is he now? He's in North Carolina. Why? Because he couldn't find a job that paid well in Arkansas.

Most of my brother's friends who received degrees in engineering are out of states because they can't find jobs in Arkansas. Those backing the state lottery claim that offering more scholarships will ultimately result in a more educated workforce and that will boost the economy of the state.

History has shown, however, that plenty of Arkansas kids are earning degrees, but they're heading elsewhere. A lottery, then, is a terrible investment -- what we're asking Arkansas citizens to do is finance the educations of people who will wind up in California, North Carolina, Texas and elsewhere.

We can throw all the money at education we want, but until we figure out how to bring more jobs to this state it will all be for naught.

Wordless Wednesday -- brand new AC/DC

Yeah, that's right. AC/DC has a new album, Black Ice, coming out on Monday, Oct. 20.

That band hasn't changed in 30 years. Thank goodness for that. Why should AC/DC mess with the formula when the band's unique brand of kick-assery works so well? Here's the official video for "Rock N' Roll Train." Enjoy and make sure to visit the other Wordless Wednesday participants by clicking right here.

What the hell happened to my party?

Democrat Barack Obama and John McCain, the apparent token Republican candidate this year, square off for their final debate on Wednesday and I don't give a damn.

Why? Because there's no conservative in this election. Hell, if Obama wasn't such a two-faced, lying, Marxist little bastard, I might consider voting for the man. Both the Democrats and Republicans have managed to put candidates out there who have fully embraced socialism, making this election possibly even more depressing than the last two.

My question is this -- what the hell happened to the Republican party that I enthusiastically supported for so many years? Why does it seem that the Republican National Committee (RNC) is run by morons who have no idea what a conservative is supposed to believe.

I wouldn't expect the current idiot in the White House to have any idea who Edmund Burke was or to understand why Adam Smith was a pivotal figure in modern economic thought, but I would at least expect that bonehead to know what conservatives have historically wanted -- low taxes and to be left the hell alone by the government. George H. Bush was a brainless fool and his idiot kid is, surprisingly, even worse.

I'm absolutely amazed that the aforementioned RNC has adopted the George W. Bush strategy of wandering around making decisions that don't appear based on any political philosophy at all. Hell, Bush and the gang that somehow grabbed control of the Republican party seem absolutely incapable of approaching anything with the clear, rational approach for which the pragmatists who ought to be in control of the RNC are known.

My Republican party is now overrun by bumbling morons who aren't conservatives at all. Here's what I mean -- conservatives have traditionally sought to keep government small, keep taxes low and weren't known for going off half-cocked and jumping into wars for the hell of it. If you don't believe me, bear in mind that the Republicans remained doggedly isolationist in World War II until the Japanese showed up and bombed Pearl Harbor.

Those radicals, indeed, tended to avoid advocating expensive, society-altering wars until it was in the nation's interest to do so. You wouldn't your traditional, isolationist Republicans running around in Iraq, Bosnia (i.e., Clinton's war that served no American interest at all) or throwing troops all over the globe for the sheer hell of it.

No, Republicans don't behave like conservatives anymore and that point was made completely obvious to anyone paying attention when both Bush and McCain were involved in that little pile of socialism that has been euphemistically described as a bailout. I'd expect Democrats to be chomping at the bit to have the government used borrowed money to take equity stakes in banks that deserve to fail, but Republicans?

I'd expect Democrats to talk about how the "free market is broken" and start figuring out ways to have the federal government wade into the financial world and make a bigger mess of things, but even I -- a man who thinks the Bush family should have stayed in Texas and left the rest of us alone -- was stunned to hear a Republican president utter those very words. Yes, Hillary Clinton tried to nationalize the medical industry back in the 1990s and was slapped down, yet Bush advocates the same kind of insane screwing around in the financial industry and people who claim to be Republicans nod their heads in agreement. What the hell is going on here?

It's like living in damned Bizzaro World. The party that's supposed to fight against such anti-capitalistic nonsense is joining the rest of the leftists to such a degree that it's getting hard to figure out who the Republicans and Democrats are anymore when it comes to economics.

Here's an example. Obama advocates every "the government will help you scheme" on the planet and is called a socialist by the right, yet McCain promises to have the government step in and help renegotiate mortgages for homeowners in trouble. What, exactly, is the difference? Does it seem disingenuous for a party that's advocating a bunch of government meddling to blast another party that's advocating, well, a bunch of government meddling?

Yes it does. And that's why McCain is about to get his ass handed to him by Obama. And, yes, Obama being in the highest office in the nation is a very bad thing. I don't give a damn how many position papers Obama has on file or how many times he swears his "help you out" programs will be paid for by closing up tax loopholes and hammering the rich. Someone's going to have to pay for all that altruistic crap and you can bet the middle class -- the same group that gets screwed to the wall with increased taxes whenever the stinking feds go on a spending spree -- will have the joy of paying for it all.

Obama is just another enemy of the working class and there's not a damned soul out there who has the ideological focus to stand against him. The Republican in the race, in fact, has already shown he loves burning through cash, too.

The Republicans have betrayed about 300 years of conservative thought and are drifting around like unfocused buffoons to such an extent that Obama's thread-worn, Marxist garbage has actually gained him a following. the Democrats are focused and they are honest-to-goodness liberals whereas the Republicans are simply drifting around aimlessly. When they aren't agreeing with the left, Republicans these days are busily finding their own ways to grow the government and waste money. It's incredible that a candidate who ought to adopt "from each according to his means, to each according to his needs" will likely win an election in the United States simply because there's no conservative in this election.

So, here were are in 2008 being taxed into oblivion and dealing a government that seems to grow exponentially intrusive, expensive and, well, nannyish with each passing year. And there doesn't seem to be a soul willing to stand up and do a thing about it.

I still maintain that McCain is the lesser of two evils here, but he's really not worth a damn. It's damned sad that we've gotten to the point in our history where these two clods are the best we can do.

A TV lawyer annoys The Hawg

So there I was, minding my own business and watching television last night when one of those damned lawyers appeared.

Now, I love fast forwarding through commercials with my DVR, but I was watching a "live" show so I had to sit through the sleazy lawyer ad. This particular lawyer was howling about bankruptcies and how they are a wonderful, pain free solution to whatever financial trouble is ailing you.

I, The Hawg, used to be a lawyer. Being a lawyer is kind of like being an alcoholic -- you might be in recovery, but you'll never quite live it down. As I result of being a recovering lawyer, I've come to view attorneys in a particular way. To be specific, I hate them.

How much do I hate them? I'm completely against socialism, but I might be tempted to cheer for any efforts on the part of the government to nationalize the legal profession and pay all attorneys about $40,000 a year (that's about $30,000 more than they're worth). I'd also love to see a Constitutional amendment that would prohibit anyone with a law degree from getting within 50 miles of Washington, D.C.

But I digress.

I don't hate all attorneys, of course. But I do despise about 90 percent of the sleazy, ambulance chasing, scum sucking weasels. That particularly loud, obnoxious attorney who was on television yelling about bankruptcies is one of the worst of the lot.

Why? Because he was lying more than most lawyers. He was swearing that a lot of clients who filed for bankruptcy actually reported improved credit scores (after a number of years). That's only true just as its true to say that eventually we'll all die. Yes, the chances are good that your credit score will improve quite a few years after a bankruptcy is filed, but those who file bankruptcies face from 7 to 10 years of rotten credit -- a period in which it will be difficult to get mortgages and consumer loans for items such as cars, and those loans will probably cost you a hell of a lot in interest if you've got a bankruptcy on your credit report.

The bankruptcy boy was also warning people against credit repair companies, claiming they probably can't help you and they work for the credit card companies, anyway. That's a half truth at best and an outright lie at worst.

If you were to get on the Internet and find some screwy, fly-by-night credit repair service, you're just asking to get robbed. However, there are a lot of nonprofit credit counseling groups that are very good. Here in Arkansas, one of the better ones around is Credit Counseling of Arkansas, a nonprofit organization that strives to help people make budgets and get the debts under control.

Credit Counseling of Arkansas has helped a lot of people in this state and it's one of those groups that I contacted regularly when I was a reporter to catch up on the latest scams, trends and etc. How do you know the good credit counseling groups from the bad ones? That's pretty easy, really -- make sure you're dealing with a local group that has honest-to-goodness offices, is a non-profit and isn't owned by a law firm. The chances are good there's a quality credit counseling that covers about every community in the nation. They're actually pretty easy to find, too.

When I was a lawyer, I filed a lot of bankruptcies. People would ask me what there best option for dealing with their credit problems was and -- believe it or not -- I almost always suggested a bankruptcy. What the hell else is a lawyer going to say? If you go to Best Buy and ask who has the best option when it comes to plasma televisions, you can probably guess what the answer is going to be. Go down to your local Ford lot and ask whether you'd be better served by a Ford F-150 or a Chevrolet Silverado. Get the idea?

It's a terrible idea to ask someone for financial advice when one of the options you're considering will financially benefit that individual. Lawyers love bankruptcy clients because they either pay up front or through a bankruptcy plan and they don't harp about shelling out the cash, either.

Yes, that's what I said -- people who are going through bankruptcy are clients who are motivated to pay their lawyers. Here's the thing about bankruptcies. Most people resent having to hand money to attorneys because they're going through something they don't believe is their fault. Yes, divorce clients are always victims, as are criminals, people going through custody battles and almost everything else. So, they resent having to pay a lawyer to represent them in a matter that was thrust upon them, see?

Ah, but bankruptcy clients are different. A lawyer can make those nasty letters and phone calls stop and can get rid of a heck of a lot of unsecured debt. Behind on your house? A Chapter 13 can get those past payments caught up through a bankruptcy plan. People who file bankruptcies tend to see the value of an lawyer's services and they don't mind paying for that.

And, of course, there are times when bankruptcies are necessary. But, for God's sake, don't go visit an attorney and ask that individual whether there's a good alternative to filing a bankruptcy. The chances are good that lawyer -- thinking about a fee -- will tell you that a bankruptcy is the only way to go.

Go visit with a credit counseling agency first and don't wait until things get out of hand. If you're on the verge of a foreclosure or the repo man is lurking around trying to take possession of your vehicle, then you've let things go to far. Be honest with yourself. Recognize a bad situation before it gets out of control and explore your options before its too late.

Oh, of course, I'd caution against calling an attorney you see advertising on national television. If you've got to hire an attorney, find someone local and do so only after getting some recommendations from friends and family.

Raising kids confuses The Hawg

My wife is better than me at many things and is undoubtedly superior when it comes to raising children.

We've got two of the little darlings -- an 11-year-old son and a 7-year-old daughter. My wife is simply better than me when it comes to dealing with them.

Why do I lack such skill when it comes to raising kids? I lack patience when it comes to the kids and I tend to put them up to things that I think are funny but that other people might think are terrible and corrupting. My wife does none of that.

Here are a couple of examples:

Case Study #1 -- The Boy

My son is in middle school and he typically calls my wife when he gets home in the afternoon. For the past week, however, he's had to call me at work because my wife has jury duty.

The following is a transcript of a conversation I had with my son on Thursday. I originally related all this in a comment to this post at Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars. A fellow Arkie, Paul over at Paul's Health Blog, saw my comment and suggested I make a whole post out of it.

Here's the thing -- one of the primary rules around my home is don't piss off daddy. My son got close to violating that rule when he called me at work the other day and I had the following conversation with him:

"Hey, dad."
"Hey, boy."
"My leg hurts."
"What?"
"My leg hurts. It really hurts. My leg. You know my leg? It hurts."
"How did you hurt your leg?"
"I don't know. It just hurts. My leg. You know my leg? It hurts."
"Where does it hurt?"
"In the leg! I just told you that. My leg. You know my leg? It hurts."
"But, where does your leg hurt?"
"The whole thing hurts. It hurts on the inside, you know? Not on the outside like a bruise or anything. It hurts on the inside. And it hurts. My leg hurts on the inside. Not the outside. It really hurts. My leg. It hurts."
"Son, is there anything you can do to make it feel better?"
"I don't think so. It just hurts. Oh, my leg! It hurts!"
"OK, is there anything I can do to make your leg feel better?"
"I don't think so."
"Then why are you calling me?"
"Just to tell you that my leg hurts. My leg. You know my leg? It hurts."
"I'm starting to get mad as hell, son."
"Bye, dad..."

I figured my son pulled the whole "my leg hurts" mess just to torment me. I figured I made him mad and didn't know it. He was just trying to get back at me for something I'd done, see?

So I talked to my wife later that day and told her about it. I asked her if he always carried on like that when he called her or if he was just doing special to me. Now, get this. She told me that he's always carrying on like that. That he's typically rambling on about something somewhat mundane and complaining about one thing or another.

The difference, however, is that I get annoyed by it all and she has the patience to put up with it. That all simply baffles me.

Case Study #2 -- The Girl

After demonstrating how I lack patience, I shall now demonstrate how my odd sense of humor has the potential to warp my kids.

My daughter is in the Brownies and, of course, they run around selling things. The most popular things they sell are Girl Scouts cookies, but they also run around all fall selling magazines, candy and nuts.

I figured that my daughter needed that edge to sell more products. So I instructed her to go door to door around town, look sad and say, "My daddy says if I don't sell a lot of stuff, I won't have a Christmas."

My wife dismissed that idea almost immediately, claiming that people would think I was terrible and that Brenda would learn a completely incorrect life lesson out of it all. I didn't think that far ahead and was just trying to come up with a sure fire way for my kid to sell plenty of items.

In retrospect, my wife was right.

Here's another story about my daughter showing how I've had a negative impact on her. When she was three-years-old, we were listening to Sirius satellite radio. LL Cool J's hit, "Mama Said Knock You Out" started playing.

My daughter and I developed a game in which she'd yell, "Mama said knock you out!" She'd then clobber me and I'd play dead. Great fun, yeah?

The next day, my wife went to pick our daughter up from preschool. One of the teachers came up to her and said, "I don't know what got into Brenda. She went up to this little boy, said 'Mama said knock you out!' and then hit him."

And I'm the one who got in trouble.

Conclusion

See what I mean? Parenting confuses me and I'm terrible at it. Thank God my kids have their mother around to help offset the damage I unwittingly do.