A few days ago, I posted a plan -- a brilliant plan that would make soccer popular in the United States.
If you haven't seen it yet, you need to take a look at it by clicking right here. Why do I say it's a brilliant plan? Because I thought of it in conjunction with my little brother (hereafter referred to as The Defector because he left Arkansas to be an optometrist in North Carolina) and he's smarter than your good friend, The Hawg. He graduated first in his class after earning his degree in chemical engineering from the University of Arkansas and graduated second after earning his optometry degree from Chicago. The kid's smart, so any plan in which he participates is automatically brilliant.
Anyway, I was visiting with The Defector just the other day as he was reviewing The Hawg/The Defector plan for making soccer popular in the U.S. The Defector said it all looked good, but he had a few more suggestions. So, we visited and I, The Hawg, have decided that our additions to the original plan are well worth mentioning. Here's what we came up with:
Originally, The Defector and I, The Hawg, had talked about turning our blueprint over to Major League Soccer (MLS), the group that is in charge with pro soccer in the United States. But we realized that MLS was part of the problem -- that group sticks with the brand of soccer that just hasn't gained traction here in America.
No, we need to make soccer popular through a new league. Thus, the concept of the eXtreme Soccer League (XSL) was born. It is very important to have our brilliant plan implemented by a new league for at least a couple of reasons.
Now, the MLS is a league that has stuck to its original game plan in spite of the fact that soccer is now about as popular as the WNBA. That's right. The MLS has been around for 15 years, and soccer is no more popular now than it was back then. The group has failed in its hope to promote soccer and is, therefore, useless. The MLS seems hell bent on sticking with the idea that soccer as it is played in the rest of the world will catch on here.
We don't need the MLS. We don't need a group that would pervert or modify our reforms based on pure stubbornness. And, yes, the MLS is stubborn -- what else would you call a group that hasn't modified its plan in spite of the fact that it is promoting a product that interests almost no one?
Also, there's something to be said for good marketing. This is America, and even no-talent trash like Britney Spears can be successful with good marketing. I, by the way, predicted years ago that Britney's career would hit a wall and she'd be reduced to starring in porn flicks with provocative titles such as Britney Speared to make a living. It turns out I was only half right. That no-talent tart's career has been extended through some great marketing.
Anyway, The Defector and I figured the XSL brand would be an easy thing to market well. For one thing, people just love sports that are "extreme," and we could certainly promote the hell out of that angle. So, we're taking a few cues from the short-lived XFL.
We will approach the XSL differently, although we'll steal some ideas from the XFL. Yes, we'll allow players to put whatever they want on the back of their uniforms. Remember Rod Smart, the running back for Las Vegas? He had "He Hate Me" plastered on the back of his uniform and became an overnight celebrity, as a result. That's pretty cool stuff, and it's exactly the type of thing we'd promote in the XSL.
And you'd better believe we'd have a "He Hate Me" in our new league. There's no doubt about that.
Also, let's not forget that the XFL was competing against a sport that was pretty violent. It simply came up short in the "extreme" department. The XSL, on the other hand, is competing against a sport that's pretty tame, so the extreme nature of the sport will be offered as a clear alternative to the decidedly tame soccer that's available now.
Furthermore, we can demonstrate the differences in our soccer by running marketing campaigns that touch on the idea that the "XS stands for eXceSsive violence." That's a winner, kids.
The two-point line
What's the most exciting development in the NBA over the past couple of decades? The three-point line. That has led to more points and the emphasis on drafting players who can hit a shot from beyond that line. The game, as a result, has become more exciting.
Ah, The Hawg/The Defector improvements call for something almost as exciting -- the two-point line. Yes, just imagine the thrill. Your team is down by 1 point and the end of the game draws near. Suddenly, He Hate Me takes the ball down the field, holds up just beyond the two-point line, kicks the ball and scores a goal, thus securing a win for the Central Arkansas Butt Kickers. The crowd goes wild!
What could be better than that? A two-point line would be invaluable to a game in which scoring is rare. It would add a whole new dimension to the game! Ah, that's an innovation, to be sure.
Give us a chance. We'll change soccer and make it more popular in the United States. We promise!
If you haven't done so already, check out Part 1 of this nonsense by clicking right here.