Thursday, September 4, 2008

Colonel The Hawg?

My little brother has had a dream for a long time -- to be a Kentucky Colonel.

My brother, persuasive soul that he is, has convinced me to share his dream. Yes, if I'm successful I'll be known as Colonel The Hawg.

And I'll do all those Kentucky Colonel things. I'll wear white suits, carry a cane, insist on being referred to as "The Colonel," drink mint juleps, go to the Kentucky Derby and say things like "This, sir, must be settled ... on the field of honor!"

I, The Hawg, would join the ranks of those truly outstanding Kentucky Colonels such as Colonel Tom Parker (Elvis' manager), Colonel Sanders, Muhammed Ali, Fred Astaire, Pope John Paul II (I understand he made Catholics everywhere call him "The Colonel" for a week after he was honored), John Glenn, Omar Bradley (the World War II general who you just know was honored to be called "The Colonel"), Bob Hope and even the great Bing Crosby. Yes, I'd throw all of my Colonel-free business cards out and have a new batch printed that identified my new found glory. It would be great and wonderful, indeed.

Why would it be so wonderful? Because being called "The Colonel" is cool, that's why. Out of all the nicknames a person could have, that has to be in the top 10. Hell, probably the top 5. Sure, the Kentucky Colonels may not carry the military authority they once did, but that's still one of those titles that trumps everything from CEO to CFO to BSD.

"Yeah, that guy over there is the CEO of Blah, Blah, Blah Inc. Big deal. See that cat there? He's a colonel, man!"

There's only one problem with my dream of going from just plain old The Hawg to the much cooler Colonel The Hawg. In order to join the Honorable Order of Kentucky Colonels, you must have done something to enrich the lives of Kentuckians and the world. You also must be nominated by a Kentucky Colonel for the honor.

That's a problem, really, as I've never actually been to Kentucky. My grandfather used to sing me to sleep with Old Kentucky Home and I've watched the Kentucky Derby a few times, but I don't think any of that counts. To make matters worse, I've actively cussed the Kentucky Wildcats when they've played basketball against my beloved Razorbacks and I prefer Popeye's to Kentucky Fried Chicken any day of the week.

I've not done just a whole lot to enrich the lives of people around the world, either, but what did Colonel Parker really do but sponge off of Elvis?

So, I remain hopeful.

The backup plan would be to become a Nebraska Admiral. That would be a start, at least.


Da Old Man said...

Once you get to be a colonel, could you find out one thing for me? Why is it pronounced ker-nel? I mean, there isn't an R within a mile of the word Kentucky or Colonel.
I always wanted to be called "Sarge." It just sounds so para military.

The Natural State Hawg said...

I'll do just that.

What's more, I'll do in a very white-suited, gentlemanly way.

Lyndon said...

As long as your not Colonel Sanders you'll be fine ;)

Adam_Y said...

I've heard that colonelisation means you get access to the followinf data:

1.The ingredients of the 'secret' recipe.
2. Elvis' current home address.

tata said...

You should visit. While you are here, you could enrich the life of this Kentucky girl by meeting her for lunch at KT's Bar & Grill and making her laugh a lot.

I may or may not be connected to current Kentucky colonels.

The Natural State Hawg said...

lyndon -- I feel sorry for Colonel Sanders. He got his business bought out for next to nothing then wound up having to do commercials for a living. It's sad, really.

adam_y -- That motivates me all the more. I don't know how much I care about the chicken recipe, but Elvis' current address? That's gold, man!

tata -- I really should visit. Here's my problem -- I haven't had a vacation since 1994 (no, I'm not kidding). Yeah, I've taken a trip or two due to family obligations, but that doesn't really count.

A vacation to Kentucky would be just the thing. My wife wants to go to San Antonio next summer, but it seems that a trip to Kentucky would be just the thing to start me down the road to going from just plain old The Hawg to Colonel The Hawg. Perhaps she'll be receptive to the idea.

Lunch at a bar and grill? Sounds great to me!

Beth said...

Would you consider going by "Boss Hawg" until your Colonel-hood goes through? ;) said...

Colonel Hawg, you is juss finga lickin' good!

(By the way, Conway lost to Bentonville tonight, 42-3. It was 28-0 at halftime. Dylan, our 15 year-old son, got some playing time at center, so he is a bit pumped right now.)

The Natural State Hawg said...

Beth -- I certainly would consider that. Rather Dukes of Hazzard-ish, but not bad...

Paul -- Good for him! Not sure how Benton did as I fell asleep on the couch at about 7 p.m. and just woke up a minute ago.

I'm sure it wasn't pretty, however... said...

You fell asleep at 7 o'clock!

Man, you are gettin' old.

What's next? Going bald?

The Natural State Hawg said...


Too late -- hair's already in a race between turning gray and falling out of my head completely. Dog sick and tired, too, so falling asleep at 7 p.m. is a natural consequence of all that!