CBS All Access is totally awesome

I simply can’t believe that some so-called Star Trek: Discovery fans living here in America are complaining that they have to subscribe to CBS All Access to watch the new series.

What’s the big deal? It’s, like, $6 a month ($10 if you don’t want commercials) to subscribe to the service and that’s cheap. Yes, it’s common for homes to subscribe to a number of streaming services (Hulu, Netflix and Amazon Prime at my house), so what’s one more?

Now, I realize there are some arguments against the business model CBS is using to distribute this show. I mean, so what if we’re talking about a series that has traditionally struggled for ratings even when people could watch it on television for free? So what if the over-the-air premier of Discovery attracted only 9.6 million viewers as opposed to the 14.54 million viewers that tuned in for the Sunday Night Football program at the same time that featured the subpar matchup of the Raiders and Redskins (check out those state here)? And, so what if Star Trek fans tend to be technically literate and can easily find their way to torrent sites and download Discovery for free like crazy?

All of those facts mean nothing because Discovery is awesome and that means it will totally do well. I mean, Internet piracy isn’t that big of a problem, is it? Just ask the music industry, the movie industry and the software industry. They all figured out how to win the war on piracy, right?

Besides, Star Trek fans wouldn’t steal Discovery, would they? If I caught one downloading Discovery, I would remind him or her that such a practice is illegal and unethical, and I’m sure that would shame that individual into doing the right thing and handing CBS some money for a program that they should be able to watch for free because they’re shelling out $100 a month on cable. The “stealing is unethical and illegal” argument worked well on music and movie pirates, right?

One more thing about CBS All Access – whoever designed that wonderful service did so with its subscribers in mind. Just compare it to Netflix. That service is just boring – it works flawlessly almost every time I use it. CBS All Access, however, tends to lag and display that whirly symbol at people when it’s buffering. That’s time I can use to get a drink, make a phone call or two or visit with my family. Clearly that was all on purpose – CBS wants us to spend more time with our loved ones, so those things that look like technical errors with All Access were brilliantly built into the app on purpose. Genius!

‘Star Trek: Discovery’ totally follows canon

Star Trek: Discovery is out and a lot of people have some dumb complaints about it. One of the of the lamest ones is that the show doesn’t follow established canon.

That’s simply not true. The show totally follows canon. I know the logic of that statement is self-evident, but let me explain a bit further for the 10 percent of the population or so that need to be convinced because they are too dumb to recognize the plain truth.

Let’s take, for example, the lead character – First Officer Michael Burnham (played by Sonequa Martin-Green, who some of you may recognize as the former drummer for the Grateful Dead). She was raised by Sarek, the Vulcan who is also Spock’s father. Now, some people have pointed out that this is a major deviation from Star Trek canon because Spock is totally famous and, as such, we should have heard about an adoptive sister at some point in the past.

Here’s what those fools fail to realize. Sarek is smart. Like, way smart. He knew that the Force was strong with both Michael Burnham and Spock, so he hid them from Darth Vader and the evil emperor so they couldn’t find them and turn them to the Dark Side. Of course, Sarek also kept Spock and Michael Burnham separate, so those two never realized they were raised by the same man.

See? We never heard about Michael Burnham because Spock didn’t know she existed. Point made. Canon followed.