Monday, May 7, 2012

Horoscope for the week of May 7

Dr. Zodiac tells me he’s gotten a new dog.

A terrier. A small puppy that’s taken up a lot of his time. In hopes of turning his mind back to important things – namely communing with the stars and producing this horoscope (for which he is paid nothing) – I’ve been giving him some dog training tips.

What’s the best way to potty train a pup? Very simple – take the little critter to bed with you and, when it squirms, you know it’s time to take it outside. Of course, there are a couple of drawbacks to this method. For one thing, you’ll wind up staggering through the house with a pup every couple of hours for at least a month until the beastie gets trained. For another, you’ll have a dog that wants to sleep under the blanket with you for the rest of its days.

So, you’ll lose a little sleep and will have a dog that is bonded to you so closely that it might stun you.  Still, it’s an effective way to potty train a dog quickly and it even works on stubborn terriers.

Ah, but enough dog advice and rambling. What do the stars have in store for you this week? Come on and find out, pilgrim.


Mar 21-Apr 19

You’ve heard that old wisdom that suggests there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues, right? You will discover that there is a certain shade of blue that’s associated with spring and there’s not much of a cure from that, either. It’s called allergy season, ace, and it’ll give you fits this time of year. Buy some Benadryl and learn to deal with it. Your lucky number this week is 50 mg.


Apr 20-May 20

You will consider getting a hobby this week. Good for you! Here’s some advice – things like gardening, bicycling and playing tennis are great hobbies. Knife throwing, red baiting and joining a cult are not good hobbies. Good luck. Your lucky number this week is 29.


May 21-Jun 21

Remember all those New Year’s resolutions you made? You’ve broken them all, haven’t you? Here’s some advice – make some obtainable resolutions next year. Anyone on the planet can resolve to watch less television or lose weight, but how many people can actually meat those goals? Sticking with things like giving up, say, fish sticks and canned spinach are far more realistic. Your lucky number this week is square 1.


Jun 22-Jul 22

Do you know how one can tell that the economy is bad? The number of stray animals increases substantially. Several of those strays will find their way to your home. Be kind to them, Cancer. Someone has to do the right thing, so it might as well be you. Your lucky number this week is 57.


Jul 23-Aug

It’s tornado season, so don’t let the relative calm of this spring fool you. Those tornadoes are out there. They’re waiting and hiding. Make those preparations to avoid them, like now. Your lucky number this week is 5.


Aug 23-Sep 22

The stars are really angry with you this week, Virgo. Now, don’t take it personally – it’s just your turn in the barrel. Now, they won’t do anything truly horrible to you this week, but you will be very annoyed. I’m talking about paper cuts, spilling lunch in your lap and that type of thing. Grin and bear it. We all have to at some point. Your lucky number this week is 820,912. 


Sep 23-Oct 23

”Scat singing” at random annoys the heck out of people, but you’ll do it anyway. Why? I’m not sure and you won’t be able to help yourself. Your sanity will return after your run around spouting nonsense such as “scooby doo whop du bah” for a week, but you will feel embarrassed at the end. And, yes, you should feel embarrassed. Oh, yes you should. Your lucky number this week is 111.


Oct 24-Nov 21

Do not – I repeat do not – come up with any baby names this week. Perhaps you’ve got a baby on the way. Perhaps a friend or relative is expecting. You will be put in a situation this week to come up with some baby names this week. Resist. Every one you come up with will be awful. Your lucky number this week is 664.


Nov 22-Dec 21

Go see a movie on Friday night. Or go bowling. Just do anything to avoid being home at 7 p.m. this Friday. Trust me on this. You’ll be very, very sorry if you instead decide to say at home. Heed my warning, pilgrim, and plan accordingly. Your lucky number this week is 314.


Dec 22-Jan 19

The stars have been very vague about your forecast this week. Actually, it seems they’ve completely forgotten about you. Consider yourself lucky. Think of it as a week off from the cruel fortunes mandated by the stars and enjoy yourself. We should all be so lucky. Your lucky number this week is ???


Jan 20-Feb 18

That person that irritates you at work this week will be more annoying than usual. Just remember – hitting is not allowed, but minor vandalism (letting air out of that person’s tires and that sort of thing) might be OK. Proceed with caution and be mindful of those criminal mischief laws. Your lucky number this week is 99.


Feb 19-Mar 20

It’s time you took responsibility for your behavior. Stop blaming Tourette’s syndrome on your constant profanity. You just have a potty mouth. Shame, shame! Your lucky number this week is 86.