Saturday, July 19, 2008

Free beer with every kitten!


Just a few short months ago, my wife and our seven-year-old daughter were out shopping.

I got a call from my daughter (my wife put her up to it because she's sneaky) asking if she could have a kitten. I'm very bad about telling my wife and daughter "no," so I agreed. Provided, of course, I got to name the kitten anything I wanted.

So, The Cheat (named for the character on the Homestar Runner site) came to live with us. Now, The Cheat is a girl cat (I know the real The Cheat is male -- don't hassle me), so I told my wife to go get the thing spade. I told her that at least once a week until it was obvious the cat was knocked up, in fact.

The Cheat had kittens the other day. The problem with kittens, of course, involves getting rid of them. That usually requires standing in the parking lot of the local Wal-Mart or Kroger for a day and trying to con people into taking one (we wound up with The Cheat as the result of one of those conning sessions, by the way).

I'm not wasting a Saturday standing in a parking lot with a bunch of kittens. A friend of mine had a brilliant idea -- give away a case of beer with every free kitten.

Ah, that would work perfectly. Since there are obvious problems that come with giving beer away in public (particularly since I live in a dry county), an ad could be run in the classifieds and the offers would roll in. This is Arkansas, after all, and who around here doesn't love free beer?

It would be a cheap way to get rid of the kittens, too. The classified ad would be free. I wouldn't give away premium beer for free, so four cases of Milwaukee's Best Light would only cost about $48. By the way, everyone with any sense of national pride should join me in refusing to buy anything made by those rascals at Anheuser-Busch. Selling out to the Belgians. Good grief. So, my kitten beer would be cheap, indeed, but at least Anheuser-Busch wouldn't be the ones making it.

We'd have to take some precautions, however, as there's always the chance that the kind of person who would take a kitten in hopes of getting some free beer might be a no-goodnik. Prefacing the classified ad with "free to good home," then, would at least show that we tried to find a suitable owner. Good enough.

My wife has objected to the brilliant marketing plan. Typical.

11 comments:

Springinhetveld said...

Really funny story!!
I know how it is with wife and kids, especially daughters. I have meanwhile ended up with 4 cats, 1 dog, 1 hamster, and god knows how many rabbits.....

Take care!

goofblogger said...

Sounds quite innovative to me. I am sure that it would have worked instantly.

The Natural State Hawg said...

Springinhetveld:

Yes, we now have three cats and three dogs (not counting the kittens). I've resisted rabbits and everything else so far, but God only knows how long that will last!

Goofblogger:

I thought it was very innovative and would have certainly been a kitten-moving enterprise. Ah, but the wife objects, so what's a man to do?

Thanks, everyone, for the comments!

Ethan

Adam Pieniazek said...

Haha, I can only imagine the terrible but darkly funny repercussions to come about from this free beer marketing scheme. Here's an idea for you, place an ad that says "Free Kittens: Taste Like Chicken!", I'm sure that'll get more than a few animal activists to pick up your kittens near instantly...

Buwau98 said...

hi
Cute kittens

The Natural State Hawg said...

Adam:

I think that idea might work. Well, provided we have a sufficient number of animal activists here in Arkansas.

Here's another suggestions -- "Free kittens -- snakes love 'em!"

That would move some, as well.

Honestly, I don't want to hurt the kittens. But, I would like to find homes for them quickly.

The Natural State Hawg said...

buwau98:

Thanks! Make sure to reserve your cute kitten today! ;)

Gaolga said...

Ohhhhhhhh I love those kittens!!!!!!!! they are so beautiful!... I love cats btw hehehe

The Natural State Hawg said...

gaolga:

I must love cats as we own three of them (not counting the kittens).

Got a black one, a calico and a The Cheat...

Anonymous said...

As his wife, I have to make and adjustment to his blog on the kittens, he did NOT tell me every week to take The Cheat to get fixed. Therefore honey, I am keeping the calico kitten, and now you just have to find a home for 1 kitten.

Your loving Wife...
M

The Natural State Hawg said...

I should be more careful what I post here in the future, huh loving wife?

Yes, two kittens died over the weekend, leaving us with but two of the darlings.

It appears that one has been claimed...