Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Pittsburgh Pirates in good shape to set a record!


As I've whined about on this here blog before, I'm a Pittsburgh Pirates fan.

Generally, that is a cause for great shame. The Pirates are terrible and show absolutely no signs of improving one whit.

Ah, but the very source of that shame has turned into a reason for Pirates fans around the nation to feel great pride in that terrible team. Why? Pittsburgh is knocking on the door of destiny -- that little team is on the verge of officially being saddled with the honor of being the worst franchise in professional sports.

How? Pittsburgh has had 16 losing seasons in a row and, as such, is tied with the Philadelphia Phillies for having the worst record in baseball. That's right -- we've not seen a record that horrible since the Phillies piled up 16 losing seasons from 1933-1949. No team in the NBA, NFL or NHL has put up that many consecutive, losing seasons.

If Pittsburgh manages to turn in another losing season, the team will be the only one on professional sports to have 17 horrible seasons in a row. The record-setting Pirates are well on their way to earning the recognition for doing what they do best -- playing really, really terrible baseball.

How bad are they? The Pirates ought to get the word "suck" copyrighted as no one is as terrible as Pittsburgh. Think your team sucks? You're wrong -- Pittsburgh owns the word. If the team was an auto manufacturer it would be Chrysler. If the team was a presidential candidate it would be Mike Dukakis. If the team was a world power in World War II it would be France.

Ah, there were some that thought the Pirates wouldn't make it to that magical 17th season of suckitude. The team started off the year with an 11-7 record, causing some to express doubt that they'd fulfill their destiny of being the worst pro team in the country.

I always had faith in the Pirates, however, and they've silenced all the mean-spirited doubters by quickly dropping the past 12 of 13 games leading them to the current 12-19 record and their well deserved, last place position in the NL Central. Way to stink it up, Pirates! I knew you could do it.

Besides, Pittsburgh has started off hot in a few seasons over the past 17 years and it always end the same. That should come as a surprise to no one. Just have a look at the nobodies that dot the Pirates' roster and you'll understand why I'm certain the team won't disappoint all of us who believe the team will set a record this year. With a bunch of players like that, there's almost no way the team won't fail miserably and achieve immortality in the process.

I'm going to be so bold as to predict that the Pirates will not only blow this season but will tank next year and probably fail a few more times before actually stringing enough wins to finish up above .500. The Pirates have that losing formula down and I can't imagine they'll do a whole lot to change it.

That golden, losing formula works like this. Let's say Pittsburgh has an outstanding player. They will trade that player for, say, three prospects. Let's assume two of those prospects are terrible and one turns out to be spectacular. The terrible prospects will become franchise players while the spectacular one will be traded for more prospects.

The pattern repeats itself every year, thus insuring that Pittsburgh will remain inept almost every year. Such dedication to sucking is to be applauded -- most clubs merely want to win games and reach the World Series, but those lads in Pittsburgh have a different agenda.

No, the owners of that team obviously want to suck worse than any club in the history of professional sports in the United States. They set their goals way on back in 1992 after the team that almost reached the World Series disbanded through free agency. Thanks to those visionaries, the Pirates will -- without a doubt -- set a record that will stand for a long, long time.

Good luck, Pirates! You stink like no one else can or probably ever will. Good job, lads!

8 comments:

Apollo said...

You have to give it to a few teams (corporations and individuals as well)...sucking on a constant bast is an 'art' of its own. It sounds very simple but to do it on a constant, 'professional' level takes sucking and failing to a new dimension.

Danny Thornton said...

Hawg, I can relate to where you are coming from. I endure the Braves for many years.

Da Old Man said...

Mr Hawg, my team is busy sucking while spending nearly a quarter of a billion dollars per year.
We get a high priced stink in NY.

Steve said...

Good luck to the Pirates on their efforts towards futility. It should be noted, however, that you still have a long way to go to overtake the Cubs and their 100 years of nothing.

PaulsHealthBlog.com said...

Being from Arkansas, how did you ever start rooting for the Pittsburgh Pirates?

Paul

Eat Well. Live Well.
PurpleGreenPops.com

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