Friday, October 9, 2009

Get happy – Franken Berry and Boo Berry are back!


I’ve got the greatest wife in the world. Seriously. I mean it.

Why? Because she understands me and hasn’t thrown me out in the yard yet. I think the girl likes me, in fact.

Here’s an example. I was in my office the other day when I got an email from my wife that simply said “Guess what I bought?”

I didn’t have a clue so I called her. She said she was shopping at Target and found boxes and boxes of Franken Berry and Boo Berry. Since she knows Franken Berry is one of my favorite cereals she grabbed a box of it for me.

She didn’t even flinch when we all got home and I told the kids I’d take out a spoon and whop the first one that got near my beloved Franken Berry.

When I was a kid I was practically addicted to Franken Berry and even grabbed some Boo Berry every now and again. Back in the 1970s Franken Berry and Boo Berry were available all year long at almost any grocery store you’d care to name.EnemyOfThePeople

Count Chocula – truly rotten trash – was available, too. These days,  the filthy County Chocula garbage is available all year and all over the place while Franken Berry and Boo Berry tend to only show up at stores like Wal-Mart and Target during Halloween.

So what happened? Why is it that the clearly superior Frank Berry and Boo Berry have been relegated to seasonal status while you can’t swing a dead cat in a cereal aisle at Kroger in June without hitting a box of Count Chocula?

Simply put, that scheming Count Chocula fascist simply used his mastery over evil to win the cereal wars against his foes. To understand the Cereal Wars that started in the 1970s – and the intense competition between the players – just watch this short documentary that’s available at YouTube:

Clearly, the competition between the three was fierce. It’s impossible to fathom the notion that chocolate won out – fair and square – over strawberry and blueberry.

The answer has to do with political intrigue. You’ll notice that Count Chocula is a member of the aristocracy while Frank Berry and Boo Berry are mere commoners. Those two may have been able to make and push superior cereals and – in an ideal world – they would have emerged victorious in the Cereal Wars.

Ah, but we don’t live in an ideal world, do we? No, we live in a world where political clout trumps mere skill and ambition on a regular basis. Count Chocula was able to crush former rivals Fruit Brute in 1983 and Fruity Yummy Mummy in 1993. Franken Berry and Boo Berry are still hanging in there, but just barely.

Folks, this little conflict has extended far beyond cereal, I’m afraid. Just head to Applebee’s, for example, and take a look at the dessert menu sometime. You’ve got all kinds of chocolate crud on there – triple chocolate cake covered with 30 different kinds of hot fudge, milk chocolate chips (the most evil form of chocolate) and topped with quadra chocolate ice cream, etc. What if you hate chocolate? Here, have shot glass full of barely edible crud or a piece of stale something that’s vanilla, cake like and covered with tan, sugary goop. No lemon meringue pie or a decent piece of cheesecake. No, just about 50 chocolate items and some non-chocolate afterthoughts. Yuck.

Count Chocula and his fiendish allies, seemingly, have formed a true Axis of Evil and are systematically eradicating any non-chocolate dessert and/or cereal on the planet. Believe it.

And rumor has it that County Chocula was the only food available to HItler and his flunkies down in that bunker.

Think about that for a minute. Then go buy a box of Franken Berry or Boo Berry like a freedom-loving American. While you’re at it, why not resist Count Chocula and his acolytes? Read up on the joy of Franken Berry here and the wonder that is Boo Berry here. If you want to read about what a monster Count Chocula truly is go here.


Rebecca said...

GAH!! An 80s food flashback!!!!

I never liked COunt Chocula. I think I did try FrankenBerry and liked it very much, but my mom outlawed it. With 6+ kids in the house (4 of them boys), the family would go through 2 boxes a DAY. Or more, if she didn't patrol the cereal so well. I'll have to look for it again.

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