Yes, I’m a confirmed television junkie.
One of the greatest inventions on the planet is the DVR. There’s nothing like a big hard drive built into a digital receiver that allows you to record shows in advance and skip through commercials (or pause a live show long enough so that you can skip away as necessary).
Still, I wind up seeing commercials a heck of a lot more than I like. Some of them have annoyed the hell out of me and the following is a list – in no particular order – of ones that have made me furious or slightly ill this year. I should mention that no political ads were used as they are universally terrible and – remarkably – often contain more filthy lies than what the corporate flim-flam artists dish out in their putrid commercials. Picking on a political ad is just too easy.
1. Chevrolet Silverado vs. Toyota Tundra. What do you do after your company has been bailed out by the federal government because it was so poorly run? Why, hire Howie Long to make fun of people who didn’t buy your company’s products, of course.
A perfect response from Toyota would have been a commercial in which a GM stockholder is ridiculed because he got scammed for millions by a company that was run into ground by short-sighted goons that are skimming by on horribly designed vehicles and billions of federal dollars. Toyota, however, may be too classy for such a move. I doubt that company views GM as serious competition these days, anyway.
I should point out that GM hired Long to make another commercial in which he made fun of a Ford F-150 owner. That’s particularly amusing when you consider that Ford has kicked the hell out of Chevrolet in the pickup truck market for decades. Ford, in fact, is the only American auto manufacturers that has figured out how to make decent cars and turn a profit. GM needs to shut up and release some more innovative designs (that fuel-sipping, asphalt-crushing Camaro, for example) than wasting cash on commercials that are just moronic.
2. Boost Mobile – Unwronged. When this ad first aired, I literally couldn't look at it without feeling more than a bit nauseous. In fact, I still have trouble watching the thing. “Unwronged?” There’s nothing right about this commercial at all.
This “armpit hair” commercial is so sickening, in fact, that I’ll never buy anything that Boost Mobile is selling. Why anyone thought this commercial would result in any sales at all is beyond me. Everyone involved in this commercial in any shape, form or fashion deserves an ass kicking.
3. Trojan Vibrating Touch. Here’s more evidence that society has gone straight to hell. Two women discuss the virtues of the new Trojan Vibrating Touch that “everyone is talking about” at the first of the commercial and it just gets worse from there.
You’ll cringe when the dingbat on the left describes the tiny vibrator as being “so cute.” You’ll roll your eyes when the two women allude to the fact they can get an orgasm from the thing. If you don’t get more than a bit creeped out when the old bat behind the counter joins in the conversation and talks about how easy it was to order hers then you’re just depraved beyond all hope.
As if the first half of the ad wasn’t bad enough, the last part is dedicated to a bunch of testimonials from women who have bought this thing and just love the hell out of it. What in God’s name have we – as a society – done to deserve being tormented by commercials like this? Advertisers want to gripe about people skipping over commercials with DVRs? They’re lucky they don’t get boycotted by outraged viewers in response to this kind of nonsense.
Just try explaining this ad to your kids. Yeah, there’s a fun conversation.
4. Levi Johnston sells Wonderful brand pistachios. So Johnston knocks up Sarah Palin’s daughter then makes fun of the whole incident by starring in a commercial which states that he now “does it with protection.”
Heh, heh. Unwanted teen pregnancies. Now, that’s something to make light of, huh? I can’t decide who is the bigger jerk – Johnston for appearing in this commercial or the pinhead that came up with it.
Show this ad to anyone who wants a textbook definition of the word “tacky.”
5. YellaWood – the adventures of Yella Fella. The above commercial is part of an entire series of these dreadful things. Stiff acting, a fat guy acting like a rough-and-tumble cowboy, embarrassingly bad attempts at humor – this miserable series had it all.
I never heard of YellaWood until the company started tormenting me with these ads. I despise the company now for subjecting me to this trash. I can’t help but think I’m not the only one.