Horoscope for the week of January 30

I was a bit concerned about the mysterious Dr. Zodiac this week as I figured he was going to skip the horoscope altogether.

The good doctor was always punctual when he was posting horoscopes (or StarCasts as he calls them) over at First Arkansas News, so I wondered if something terrible had happened to him. He doesn’t have a cell phone and rarely checks his email, so I had no real way of getting in touch with him (over than driving up to Little Rock and trying to find his home, of course). When all seemed lost, he came through with a horoscope and the following explanation:

I am so sorry this is late. I was called on by the stars to help them settle a dispute. It seems they were considering rearranging themselves so as to confuse mankind even more than they already have. I talked them out of it.

That whole business took some time and they were more interested in scheming than talking to me, so this StarCast was delayed. Sorry about that. Enjoy!

What do the stars have in store for us this week? Read on and find out for yourself.

Aries

Mar 21-Apr 19

You just never learn, do you Aries? Whenever you figure a project won’t take much time and you plan accordingly, things go terribly wrong. Once again you will find yourself in trouble be engaging in such wishful calculations. It’s all your own fault, Aries. Maybe you’ll learn from your failed time-management mistake this time, but I doubt it. Your lucky number this week is 10 minutes past your deadline.

Taurus

Apr 20-May 20

Well, here we go again, Taurus. Staying up all night might have been great fun when you were younger, but you need more sleep these days. A person can’t function off of three hours of sleep a night, but you keep trying. Remember – sleep is good and necessary. Now, go to bed on time at least half the nights this week. You’ll feel better. Your lucky number this week is 3 a.m.

Gemini

May 21-Jun 21

Don’t do it. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? That’s right – a new collectible you are convinced will make you rich. Beanie babies didn’t pan out for you and comic books didn’t, either. This thing you’re considering now – whatever it is – will do nothing but cost you money and take up space in your home. Trust me on this. Your lucky number this week is 75.

Cancer

Jun 22-Jul 22

You will find out for sure and certain that evil isn’t just some vague concept dreamed up by religious types. No, some people are just rotten and up to no good. You’ll learn for yourself that there is such a thing as pure evil and it is a nasty thing, indeed. In case you haven’t guessed by now, someone you wouldn’t suspect of foul behavior will plot mightily against you this week. Watch out! Your lucky number this week is 666.

Leo

Jul 23-Aug 22

You kept telling yourself you’d clean out those gutters, but you never did it. No, you just figured you’d wait until next fall and everything would be fine. It won’t be fine, Leo. You’re in for some serious roof trouble. The good news is that it might not be too late to take action and get busy on those gutters. Don’t delay! Oh, Leo! Your lucky number this week is 3 hours.

Virgo

Aug 23-Sep 22

You’ll give some change to someone in need this week and – absolutely nothing good will happen to you because of it. Hey, life isn’t a fairy tale, ace. Still, give that unfortunate soul a bit of change, anyway. It’s the nice thing to do. Your lucky number this week is 63 cents.

Libra

Sep 23-Oct 23

A song will get stuck in your head and drive you batty all week long. It’ll be a song you hate, too, and that’s absolutely worse. It might be a jingle, something embarrassing like one of those “tween hits” that are all over the place, an Eric Clapton song or something equally dreadful. It’s only for a week, so it could be worse. Your lucky number this week is No. 1 with a bullet.

Scorpio

Oct 24-Nov 21

You will finally decide who you want to vote for in the upcoming presidential election. If you’re a Republican, that means you’ll finally pick a favorite out of the primary candidates. If you’re a Democrat, well you know who to back, don’t you? It doesn’t really matter much – you’ll likely be unhappy with the election results regardless of which candidate actually wins. We do live in interesting times, I’m afraid. Your lucky number this week is Nov. 6.

Sagittarius

Nov 22-Dec 21

A fool and his money are soon parted and the stars tell me you will be a fool this week, indeed. I would tell you to watch your spending habits, but the stars assure me you won’t be able to help yourself. Still, it can’t hurt to exercise some restraint, so you might give that a try. Your lucky number this week is a penny saved is a penny earned.

Capricorn

Dec 22-Jan 19

I once knew a man who got struck by lightening and went on to live a full, happy life. That, I’m sure, is a rare thing. What does this all mean for you this week? Well, I’d stay indoors as much as possible this week if I were you. Your lucky number this week is 13.

Aquarius

Jan 20-Feb 18

You’re in for a week of head-slapping annoyances. You’ll forget to take the trash down to the curve, not set your alarm clock, leave your cell phone at home, mail a bill a day late and deal with the consequences of all manner of things. Hang on there, baby – Friday’s coming. Your lucky number this week is just almost 31.

Pisces

Feb 19-Mar 20

No one likes a trash mouth, Pisces. Either clean up your language or stay away from people all week long. Where did you learn to talk like that? What would your mother say? Shame, shame. Your lucky number this week is $&*@.