Horoscope for the week of Feb. 13

I was certain that Dr. Zodiac wouldn’t turn in a horoscope this week. Saturday came and went with no word from the good doctor and the same went for Sunday.

On Monday, however, the mysterious Dr. Zodiac got in touch and delivered both a horoscope and a tale of woe. Yes, it seems Ms. Zodiac got tired of the doctor not having a “real job,” so she threw him out on the mean streets of Little Rock on Friday.

So, he went wandering and, eventually, grew tired. He found himself a cozy park bench near the Clinton Library, fell asleep and was promptly beaten and robbed by a gang of thugs. After recovering from his injuries enough to move on, he found a comfortable spot near the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette building on East Capitol and Scott and was (you guessed it) beaten up again. The beating was considerably more severe that time around as Dr. Zodiac had already been robbed and the new set of assailants became angry because he had no money to steal.

He wound up getting a good night’s sleep a Baptist Medical Center and, more importantly, had access to the want ads in the Democrat-Gazette. We’re proud to report that, by Monday, Dr. Zodiac landed a position as an astronomy professor (yes, he does have a doctorate) at a local educational facility that will remain nameless as the faculty there frowns on the “junk science” of astrology.

At any rate, I’m glad to hear Dr. Zodiac has landed on his feet and has turned in a horoscope even if it is late. While I do believe the good doctor’s current horoscope (or StarCast, as he calls it) has been tainted by his recent experiences, he assures me that every entry comes – as usual – directly from the stars. You can be the judge of that.

Aries

Mar 21-Apr 19

So, Aries, you’re all ready for Valentine’s Day, huh? You’ve got a special evening planned with a special someone, don’t you? Well, here’s a warning, Aries – that love of your life may one day throw you out on the streets. I hope the good times you’re going through now will comfort you was you’re being beaten by thugs while you’re exhausted and just want to be left alone to sleep and think in peace. Your lucky number this week is

Taurus

Apr 20-May 20

Ah, Taurus. The bull. The bull is strong, right? We’ll see how strong you are when you’re thrown out on the streets by the love of you’re life and you’re being beaten by thugs. It’s a harsh, cold world, Taurus. Your lucky number this week is  

Gemini

May 21-Jun 21

You will have a brilliant idea this week, Gemini. One that will make you rich. It could be a simple product that everyone wants and needs or it could be a great marketing scheme, such as a marketing scheme for lawyers to offer cut-rate divorces on Valentine’s Day week. That’s a good one. That idea would be popular. It’s perfect for those who get thrown out of their homes by their spouses and have to live on the street until they can sort out their shattered lives. Your lucky number this week is $1,000,000.

Cancer

Jun 22-Jul 22

This week you’ll learn that love and happiness are big, fat lies. That’s what I learned. That’s what I – the famed Dr. Zodiac – learned after getting tossed out of my happy home by my mean wife. You know what happened next – I got beaten, robbed, wound up in the hospital and had to get a job that was appropriate to my level of education. What a drag. Your lucky number this week is

Leo

Jul 23-Aug 22

The stars tell me that you might find your fortune this week. The Beatles once sang that “money can’t buy me love.” The hell it can’t. Your lucky number this week is $$$.

Virgo

Aug 23-Sep 22

Get some sleep, Virgo. Yes, there are problems that are plaguing you and keeping you up nights, but here’s the thing – those problems will remain whether you get some sleep or not. You might as well get some rest. You never know when you’ll need it. I, the great Dr. Zodiac, wished I was well rested when my wife threw me out into the mean streets of Little Rock. Learn from my experiences, Virgo. Your lucky number this week is zzz.

Libra

Sep 23-Oct 23

This is the week you will finally take seriously your promise to do your part to be more socially conscious and earth friendly. For example, you will make sure your cigarettes are fully extinguished before you toss them out your car window. And, when you’re driving around town and drinking a beer, you’ll take pains to throw the empty can out of your car window instead of dumping it in a trash can so that someone less fortunate than you can recycle it. If we had more people like you, it would be a better world, indeed. Your lucky number this week is 40.

Scorpio

Oct 24-Nov 21

You will become fascinated with the joys of technology this week, Scorpio! Yes, this digital world allows you to do wonderful things, such as download a copy of that Ishtar movie so you can see for yourself how awful it is. The possibilities are endless, so have fun exploring. Your lucky number this week is 1001001.

Sagittarius

Nov 22-Dec 21

It’s important to be prepared, Sagittarius, as you never know just what will happen to you. For example, if I would have had a premarital agreement, I’d still have custody of my beloved dog, Uranus. You never know just what life will throw at you, so always be ready. Your lucky number this week is ACA 9-12-306.

Capricorn

Dec 22-Jan 19

You’re in a rut, Capricorn, and you’ll realize just how deep that rut is when you find yourself getting excited about the fact that you can easily pick up reruns of Hee-Haw on cable. Your lucky number this week is population 13.

Aquarius

Jan 20-Feb 18

The stars have an odd one for you this week, Aquarius. I asked them about your StarCast for the week and they responded with a cryptic message – “You think you’re pretty cool don’t you, Aquarius?” I’m not quite sure what that means and, therefore, I know you’ll also be baffled. Your lucky number this week is ???

Pisces

Feb 19-Mar 20

This is one of those week’s you’ll ponder life’s bigger questions. How did OJ Simpson go bad? If a tree falls on a lumberjack in the forest and no one is around, will he still make a sound? Should the legal system be abandoned in favor of settling our problems with guns in the street? You’ll not come close to answering those "big questions,” so it’s all a waste of time. Your lucky number this week is 42.