Horoscope for the week of Feb. 6

Are you ready for some horoscopes? Well, Dr. Zodiac -- our resident soothsayer, master of the occult and general purpose mystic -- sure as heck is.

Dr. Zodiac said the stars are particularly cranky this week as the majority of them are New England Patriots fans. Why do they pull for New England? Who knows? That’s irrelevant to this discussion. What is relevant is that their team lost the Super Bowl and they’re determined to take it out on someone. Indeed, they’re going to take it out on us, it seems.

Dr. Zodiac says the stars are usually thinking of ways to torment us and they’re more determined than usual to kick us around some this week, so just get ready.

What’s in store for you this week? Find your StarCast that was put together by Dr. Zodiac and find out for yourself.

Aries

Mar 21-Apr 19

The stars aren’t going to to much to you this week except afflict you with the case of the “blahs.” That’s better than a case of the blues, so consider yourself lucky. You’ll just feel kind of like a Denver Broncos fan on Super Bowl Sunday all week long and that’s not a good thing. It could be worse. You could feel like a Pittsburgh Pirates fan during the World Series. Yuck. Your lucky number this week is 5.

Taurus

Apr 20-May 20

You will be plagued with dreams all week long. Not nightmares, mind you, but vaguely unsettling dreams of a lost love from your youth. You will wake up wondering whether that lost love ever thinks of you. The answer is a definite “no.” Sorry. Your lucky number this week is 1990.

Gemini

May 21-Jun 21

Taurus gets dreams of lost loves, but you get full blown nightmares. They’ll be those horrifying dreams that will shock you awake and disturb you greatly. Sleeping pills won’t help and neither will liquor, so you’ll just have to learn to cope. You’ve often said you could do your job half awake. You’ll get your chance to find out if that’s true this week. Your lucky number this week is sequel.

Cancer

Jun 22-Jul 22

The stars were vague about their plans for you this week. That’s never a good sign. All I can get out of them is that you will be terrified by the color blue this week. Does that mean you’ll be chased by the police? You’ll spray yourself in the eye with Windex? A Smurfs episode will disturb you I have no idea. Your lucky number this week is 0000FF.

Leo

Jul 23-Aug 22

The stars were vague about your forecast, too, Leo. When their undisputed leader – Big Star – got to your forecast, he merely chuckled and said, ‘Well, it is tax time.” Remember, vague is bad when it comes to the stars’ plans, so be careful. Your lucky number this week is W-2.

Virgo

Aug 23-Sep 22

Oh, Virgo, Virgo, Virgo. You have my sympathy this week. Why? It will suddenly dawn on you that your favorite television show is absolutely terrible. You will regret the time you’ve wasted following it loyally every week. Don’t worry – you’ll find another show to obsess over soon enough. That may be your ultimate curse. Your lucky number this week is shark.

Libra

Sep 23-Oct 23

This is the week you will gain a lifelong enemy, Libra. While it can be cool to curse about someone and refer to them as “your nemesis,” that’s not an altogether great thing. How will you make an enemy? That’s hard to say. However, that’s exactly what you’'ll do as the stars have mandated it. Good luck. Your lucky number this week is 22.

Scorpio

Oct 24-Nov 21

You’ve often said you’ve hated your job and it seems your job will finally take that personally and start to hate you. When your job starts hating you, that means you’ll get twice the busywork, twice the calls at home and twice the number of things that just go wrong. Perhaps you should have been a bit nicer when talking about your job in the past. It’s too late now. Your lucky number this week is 8.

Sagittarius

Nov 22-Dec 21

There are few things sadder than someone who isn’t funny but thinks he or she is. No one wants to be that guy, right? Well, this week you’re going to be that guy and you’ll annoy your friends to no end with your uninspired, unfunny stories and antics. Waka, waka. Your lucky number this week is rubber chicken.

Capricorn

Dec 22-Jan 19

You will become convinced it’s your patriotic duty to buy American-made products. Sadly, you’ll learn that’s a lot harder than you thought it would be. Where were you – and about a million people just like you – a decade ago? Your lucky number this week is a deficit.

Aquarius

Jan 20-Feb 18

Here’s an odd one – cats will love you this week. It doesn’t matter if you’re a “cat person” or not – the little beasties will follow you around all week long. They’ll love you and want to be near you as much as possible. All you can do is get an angry dog to chase them off and make sure to never leave your windows open so as to prevent a strange cat slipping in your home and sleeping next to you. Your lucky number this week is 9.

Pisces

Feb 19-Mar 20

You will become forgetful this week. Let’s hope your spouse or significant other doesn’t have a birthday or anniversary coming up this week or you will be in trouble. The chances are good you’ll leave your car keys in your house and will be very late for work because you locked them in your home along with your house key. Your lucky number this week is ???