Horoscope for the week of March 19

Here we go with another horoscope – the most accurate one on the planet, in fact.

Why is it so accurate? Because these brilliant things are provided by Dr. Zodiac, our in-house soothsayer, stargazer and general purpose mystic. Dr. Zodiac, see, talks directly to the stars and he has learned something very important about them over the years – they hate our guts and strive to make us miserable. Still, he has their ears and they reveal their plans to him weekly. Incredible? You’d better believe it, ace.

By the way, Dr. Zodiac keeps insisting that we call his bits of wisdom StarCasts rather than mere horoscopes. He’s been vetoed for obvious commercial reasons.

Regardless, let’s see what those mean ole stars have in store for us this week, shall we?

Aries

Mar 21-Apr 19

It’s shaping up to be a terrible week for you, Aries. It’s bad enough that you still can’t remember where you parked your car before all your shenanigans on St. Patrick’s day, now your boss is actively scheming against you. Here’s some advice – buy yourself a bicycle to tide you over until you find your car then band together with those wacky misfits at work to take that boss down a peg. Remember all those college movies in which a pack of underachieving, drunken frat boys hatch a plan to take down the dean? Sort of like that. Your lucky number this week is 18.

Taurus

Apr 20-May 20

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? That obnoxious question has been debated for years, but here’s something that’s easy to answer – if a tree falls on you and no one is around, you will make a sound. That being the case, stay out of the forest this week. You have been warned. Your lucky number this week is March 19 (that’s Arbor Day in Arkansas, folks).

Gemini

May 21-Jun 21

They say that Gemini is the sign of the twin, but you’ve been playing that up a bit too much lately. No one believes that your “evil twin” is running around misbehaving. Straighten up before your friends’ patience wears to thin. Good grief. You should know better. Your lucky number this week is 2.

Cancer

Jun 22-Jul 22

There are bigger things in life to worry about than where Payton Manning will end up next season. Here’s a bigger problem – Big Star, the undisputed leader of the stars, is the one who convinced the Colts to release Manning in the first place. If that’s not a sobering thought, I’m not sure what is. Your lucky number this week is 18.

Leo

Jul 23-Aug 22

You’ve never wanted kids, but a truth will hit you this week. Kids can mow the lawn in the spring. Kids can take out the garbage and do the dishes. Kids can feed pets and do all sorts of tasks that annoy you. Changed your mind yet? Good! Your lucky number this week is triplets.

Virgo

Aug 23-Sep 22

If you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. If you teach him to fish, he’ll eat for a lifetime. If you let a bunch of high school kids talk you into buying beer for them, you’ll learn the joys of life in the county jail. Keep those lessons in mind this week. Your lucky number this week is $5,000 bail. 

Libra

Sep 23-Oct 23

Spring hits with a vengeance this week, and you know that that means – warmer weather, sunny days and plenty of allergies. Quit being a sniffling sissy – by some Benadryl and enjoy the weather. By the way, you might remind Leo that spring is an ideal time to wax a car and kids are good at doing that, too. Your lucky number this week is 20.

Scorpio

Oct 24-Nov 21

It’s tax season and the chances are good that you will blow your refund on something stupid, if you haven’t already done that. Might I suggest a solid investment? I, the great Dr. Zodiac, have developed the Crystal Ouija Rune Board, a piece of scientific equipment which assists me in visiting with the stars. However, I need to build a slick, commercial prototype so I can convince someone to put it into mass production and sell it at fine retail outlets like Walmart and Walgreens? Why not shoot a few grand over my way and invest in a project that will make you insanely rich? Isn’t that better than a new couch? Think about it. Your lucky number this week is $5,000.

Sagittarius

Nov 22-Dec 21

You need a dog. Trust me on this. You’ll need a constant companion who will love you unconditionally after your friends completely let you down this week. Don’t get a cat. They’re no fun at all. Your lucky number this week is K-9.

Capricorn

Dec 22-Jan 19

It’s the 75th anniversary of Casablanca and Turner Classic Movies is hosting screenings of the great film at around 450 theaters across the U.S. on March 21. Find a screening and go to it. You’ll miss a lot of trouble at home if you do that. Trust me on this. Your lucky number this week is 75.

Aquarius

Jan 20-Feb 18

While Capricorn is getting ready to whoop it up to Casablanca, you’re busily waiting for April 4 when Hollywood will inflict Titanic on us again. Seriously? What on earth is wrong with you? Wasn’t it bad enough the first time around? “King of the world” my hind leg! Your lucky number this week is 5.

Pisces

Feb 19-Mar 20

You’ll here from an old friend this week, and that’s good. That old friend will remind you that you owe him or her money. That’s not so good. It’s a mixed blessing, but that’s just the way it goes sometimes. Good luck. Your lucky number this week is ?