Horoscope for the week of March 26

Here we go with another installment of the most accurate horoscope of the planet.

What makes it so accurate? It’s written by the mysterious Dr. Zodiac – our in-house psychic, mystic and master of the occult. Yes, he speaks directly to the stars through the Crystal Ouija Rune Board – a device of his own invention which he hopes to sell to Wal-Mart, Walgreens and other fine retailers if he can find some investors to help him develop a slick, marketable prototype.

Sadly, Dr. Zodiac has learned the stars hate us all and are generally out to make our lives miserable. Sure, some people will find good fortune from time to time, but that’s mostly driven by purse spite.

At any rate, let’s see what the stars have in store for us in the coming week:

Aries

Mar 21-Apr 19

Do not buy the red one. By the blue one. Does that mean anything to you? The stars tell me it means something very important, but they won’t tell me why. Good luck solving that mystery. Perhaps it will become obvious to you during the week. Good luck. Your lucky number this week is ambiguous.

Taurus

Apr 20-May 20

It’s time to buy a dog, Taurus. Mostly because you could use the companionship, but there’s also the satisfaction you’ll get when it barks at that neighbor’s dog that has been keeping you up at night. I’d suggest a terrier. They’re loyal to their owners and have that piercing bark that will drive your neighbor nuts. Remember – the local animal shelter has plenty of dogs in need of good homes. Do the right thing. Your lucky number this week is 9.

Gemini

May 21-Jun 21

You will fire all of your cats this week when you realize they eat a lot but give back next to nothing in return. There’s a problem, however – you are a softie and the cats won’t leave on their own. That being the case, it’s highly unlikely that anything will change. Your lucky number this week is also 9.

Cancer

Jun 22-Jul 22

You will become addicted to a television show for kids this week and will feel guilty about it. There’s nothing wrong with Phineas and Ferb or even Good Luck Charlie. Adults who watch that Shake it Up thing, however, deserve to be placed under observation, however. Choose wisely. Your lucky number this week is 112.

Leo

Jul 23-Aug

Just because the unyielding stress of modern society has caused you to make so many compromises that you’ve lost site of your dreams, don’t believe for a minute that you can’t have any fun. Why not go see a movie? Yeah, that’ll make up for everything. Your lucky number this week is PG-13.

Virgo

Aug 23-Sep 22

It’s election season, but don’t let that get you down. There’s very little you can do, anyway. Keep this in mind – every election since 1992, the rise of political action committees and everything else has been manipulated by the stars so as to maximize our misery. How else can you explain the elections of either Bush or Obama? Your lucky number this week is 4. 

Libra

Sep 23-Oct 23

You will resolve to go out of your way to by American products this week so as to help the economy. You will be disappointed to learn that few things are made in this country these days. How did that happen? In a sane world, things would be different and there’s your answer. Your lucky number this week is 7897.

Scorpio

Oct 24-Nov 21

Your obsession with where Peyton Manning would wind up has been extinguished. He’s a Bronco, thus proving the notion that all colts grow up to be broncos. It’s time to start worrying about something else stupid. Your lucky number this week is 18.

Sagittarius

Nov 22-Dec 21

Your prayers will be answered – a new Star Trek television series will be developed. Now, I don’t know when it will air, what it will be about or when a new series will be announced, but one will show up at some point in the near (or distant) future. Trust me on this. Your lucky number this week is NX-01.

Capricorn

Dec 22-Jan 19

It might be a good idea to plan a trip this week. You know that thing you didn’t want your spouse to discover? He or she will find out all about it this week and will want to discuss it with you at length. St. Louis is nice this time of year. Your lucky number this week is 362436.

Aquarius

Jan 20-Feb 18

You will become convinced that ninjas are stalking you this week. Is there any truth to that? Maybe. Of course, it could be that you’re just paranoid. It’s better to be safe than sorry, particularly when it comes to ninjas, however. Good luck learning to be stealthy, hiding your tracks and doing all those other things necessary to evade ninjas. Your lucky number this week is 91356.

Pisces

Feb 19-Mar 20

A lot of people in this world wear glasses, and that fact will dawn on you this week. You never were terribly observant, where you? Your lucky number this week is 40274.