Dr. Zodiac – our resident psychic, general purpose mystic and all around swell guy – told us last week that we got off lucky because the stars were busily celebrating their annual We Are Great festival.
That being the case, they rather left us alone. Dr. Zodiac assured me that the stars still hated us mere mortals about as much as usual, but they were distracted.
I’m sad to report the festival is over and that – according to Dr. Zodiac – means it’s time for business as usual. Since the stars let us slide for a week, get ready for them to make up for lost time. Oh no.
Let’s see what the stars have in store for us this week, shall we?
Mar 21-Apr 19
Apr 20-May 20It’s time to head this off at the pass – dumping your life savings into an NCAA basketball championship pool is not a viable retirement plan. What the heck is wrong with you? Your lucky number this week is 64.
May 21-Jun 21Someone close to you will propose something absolutely ridiculous and pout when you don’t agree how wonderful that individual’s impractical and expensive plan actually is. Stick to your guns, Gemini. You’ll lose either way, but you might as wall hang tough for the heck of it, right? Your lucky number this week is 260.
Jun 22-Jul 22You’ll not receive an unexpected call from an old friend, come into a pile of money, receive that promotion you’ve been wanting or anything else that’s both good and out of the ordinary. Yes, it’s business as usual. Hey, things could be worse, right? Your lucky number this week is 7.
Jul 23-Aug 22Ty Cobb was the nation’s first millionaire baseball player, and that’s partially because he invested extremely well. He, for example, invested heavily in Coca-Cola and struck it rich. The point is, some people just fall over backwards into money and some poor slobs provide the capital to make a few people rich. Guess which camp claims you as a member. Your lucky number this week is $1 million.
Aug 23-Sep 22It’s a week to have a few illusions shattered. I’ll get the ball rolling. Hogan’s Heroes was not based on fact, Tiger Woods really is as bad as everyone says, and your cat only hangs around and acts like she enjoys your company because you provide food for the kitty. Have fun this week! Your lucky number this week is 1944.
Sep 23-Oct 23Remember that old game in which you’d list the top 10 albums (or whatever) you’d like to have with you if you were stranded on a desert island? If you’re not careful, you may get the chance to figure out how well thought out that list of yours actually was. Good luck, and remember to wear a life jacket wherever you go this week. Your lucky number this week is ???
Oct 24-Nov 21You want those darned kids to stay out of your yard, but they keep showing up, don’t they? They’ll be particularly annoying this week, so remember – it is totally against the law to shoot them with an air rifle. You might want to just stay inside this week, close the curtains and keep that television up really loud. Your lucky number this week is 12!
Nov 22-Dec 21You’ve always said that change is good, but you’ll change your tune when you discover your favorite candy has been discontinued. I hope you appreciate irony. Your lucky number this week is 8.
Dec 22-Jan 19The cold, hard truth of American politics will hit you like a ton of bricks this. Neither Republicans nor Democrats care one whit about what you – a mere commoner with the power to vote – have to think. In fact, you’ll realize that you vote for one party or the other because you hate that bunch less than the competition. Welcome to the wacky world of the cynic, ace. Your lucky number this week is 2.
Jan 20-Feb 18
You will be greatly inspired by the following set of lyrics this week – “here’ your chance, do your dance at the space jam!” You’ll be so inspired that you will probably wind up doing something very, very stupid. Remember – it’s never a good idea to get too carried away with the philosophies you encounter in song lyrics. Unless we’re talking about the Beatles, of course, but that goes without saying. Your lucky number this week is 1996.