Horoscope for the week of March 5

Dr. Zodiac – our resident psychic, general purpose mystic and all around swell guy – told us last week that we got off lucky because the stars were busily celebrating their annual We Are Great festival.

That being the case, they rather left us alone. Dr. Zodiac assured me that the stars still hated us mere mortals about as much as usual, but they were distracted.

I’m sad to report the festival is over and that – according to Dr. Zodiac – means it’s time for business as usual. Since the stars let us slide for a week, get ready for them to make up for lost time. Oh no.

Let’s see what the stars have in store for us this week, shall we?

Aries

Mar 21-Apr 19

You started to annoy people last week, didn’t you? Yes, you observed that leap day is pretty well meaningless in the bigger scheme of things and the same is true of what month it happens to be. You’ve not shut up about your revelations and your friends are sick of it. Close your mouth and get back to work before your boss fires you. Your lucky number this week is 29.

Taurus

Apr 20-May 20

It’s time to head this off at the pass – dumping your life savings into an NCAA basketball championship pool is not a viable retirement plan. What the heck is wrong with you? Your lucky number this week is 64.

Gemini

May 21-Jun 21

Someone close to you will propose something absolutely ridiculous and pout when you don’t agree how wonderful that individual’s impractical and expensive plan actually is. Stick to your guns, Gemini. You’ll lose either way, but you might as wall hang tough for the heck of it, right? Your lucky number this week is 260.

Cancer

Jun 22-Jul 22

You’ll not receive an unexpected call from an old friend, come into a pile of money, receive that promotion you’ve been wanting or anything else that’s both good and out of the ordinary. Yes, it’s business as usual. Hey, things could be worse, right? Your lucky number this week is 7.

Leo

Jul 23-Aug 22

Ty Cobb was the nation’s first millionaire baseball player, and that’s partially because he invested extremely well. He, for example, invested heavily in Coca-Cola and struck it rich. The point is, some people just fall over backwards into money and some poor slobs provide the capital to make a few people rich. Guess which camp claims you as a member. Your lucky number this week is $1 million.

Virgo

Aug 23-Sep 22

It’s a week to have a few illusions shattered. I’ll get the ball rolling. Hogan’s Heroes was not based on fact, Tiger Woods really is as bad as everyone says, and your cat only hangs around and acts like she enjoys your company because you provide food for the kitty. Have fun this week! Your lucky number this week is 1944. 

Libra

Sep 23-Oct 23

Remember that old game in which you’d list the top 10 albums (or whatever) you’d like to have with you if you were stranded on a desert island? If you’re not careful, you may get the chance to figure out how well thought out that list of yours actually was. Good luck, and remember to wear a life jacket wherever you go this week. Your lucky number this week is ???

Scorpio

Oct 24-Nov 21

You want those darned kids to stay out of your yard, but they keep showing up, don’t they? They’ll be particularly annoying this week, so remember – it is totally against the law to shoot them with an air rifle. You might want to just stay inside this week, close the curtains and keep that television up really loud. Your lucky number this week is 12!

Sagittarius

Nov 22-Dec 21

You’ve always said that change is good, but you’ll change your tune when you discover your favorite candy has been discontinued. I hope you appreciate irony. Your lucky number this week is 8.

Capricorn

Dec 22-Jan 19

The cold, hard truth of American politics will hit you like a ton of bricks this. Neither Republicans nor Democrats care one whit about what you – a mere commoner with the power to vote – have to think. In fact, you’ll realize that you vote for one party or the other because you hate that bunch less than the competition. Welcome to the wacky world of the cynic, ace. Your lucky number this week is 2.

Aquarius

Jan 20-Feb 18

You will be greatly inspired by the following set of lyrics this week – “here’ your chance, do your dance at the space jam!” You’ll be so inspired that you will probably wind up doing something very, very stupid. Remember – it’s never a good idea to get too carried away with the philosophies you encounter in song lyrics. Unless we’re talking about the Beatles, of course, but that goes without saying. Your lucky number this week is 1996.

Pisces

Feb 19-Mar 20

You never worried about a computer virus, did you? You figured that’s something that always happened to someone else. Well, ace, it’s your turn to get a computer virus this week. There’s only one way to prevent it – turn off that computer and leave it off for a week. Use the opportunity to, like, wander outside this week. You might enjoy it. Your lucky number this week is 1001001 (in distress!)