Horoscope for the week of April 16

Dr. Zodiac – our resident psychic, soothsayer and general purpose mystic – spent the entire weekend in a supernatural funk.

Why? He has learned that the stars – those mean ole critters who love picking on mankind for the fun of it – have been working on a plan to torment everyone in the state of Arkansas. That plan involves bringing in Josh McDaniels to replace the disgraced Bobby Petrino as head football coach of the Razorbacks. The good doctor said that only the stars could think of something so devious and pull the cosmic strings necessary to inspire a university to make such an insane move.

“They’re kind of like Hannibal Smith in terms of making plans come together,” Zodiac said. “Yeah, kind of like Hannibal Smith. Only evil. McDaniels? Really?”

Fortunately, Zodiac pulled himself together long enough to commune with the stars and divine our horoscopes for the week. So, what’s in store? Read on and find out for yourself.

Aries

Mar 21-Apr 19

You will spot a Frisbee with sparklers attached to it flying through the night sky and will feel compelled to tell everyone that space aliens are invading. Resist that urge. Flying saucers look nothing like that and, what’s more, you’d be surprised to learn that you’ve probably seen one before and didn’t realize it. Trust me on this. Your lucky number this week is 9.

Taurus

Apr 20-May 20

They stopped publishing the Weekly World News five years ago and you’ve been lost since then. After all, you learned that Dick Cheney was a robot, that the C.I.A. had infiltrated al-Qaueda with an intelligent spy cat and relied on the Weekly World News to tell you which presidential candidates should get your vote. With your primary source of news gone, where can you turn? Fortunately for you, there’s always The Onion. Give it a look. Your lucky number this week is 36.

Gemini

May 21-Jun 21

No, you’re not paranoid. You actually are being watched. That’s right – followed, monitored, stalked, etc. People used to just harass people through anonymous phone calls, but those days are over thanks to caller ID. That’s good. Now, people who want to keep tabs on you are forced to sneak around and observe you directly. That’s bad, but it is progress, isn’t it? Your lucky number this week is 90.

Cancer

Jun 22-Jul 22

You will come to the realization that you spend too much time playing video games. Here’s the question – is that really a problem? There are worse things you could do in your spare time, such as abusing various substances, cheating on a spouse/significant other or volunteering to work in a political campaign. So, play on and stop feeling guilty. Your lucky number this week is 27.

Leo

Jul 23-Aug

If that cop sees you talking on your cell phone while driving one more time – just one more time – he will throw you under the jail. The call can wait until you’re car is stopped, can’t it? Your lucky number this week is 99.

Virgo

Aug 23-Sep 22

You will realize the truth this week – Elvis was underrated as an actor. This realization will strike you when you happen across Blue Hawaii by mistake, resist the impulse to change the channel and then laugh your fool head off. Rock-a-hula, Baby. Your lucky number this week is 45. 

Libra

Sep 23-Oct 23

The truth will hit you like a ton of bricks – M&Ms are truly awful. Yes, they are the Chicken McNuggets of the chocolate world and there’s no getting around it. You may attempt to spread the word about M&Ms, but will be greeted by silence at best, disdain at worse. Take comfort in the fact that you, at least, know the truth. Your lucky number this week is 81.

Scorpio

Oct 24-Nov 21

A lot of people have second (or third) thoughts about their careers, but you’re different – you really should have been a veterinarian. It’s probably too late to do anything about it now, so live with it. By the way, statistics have shown that a lot of people say they’d be vets when asked what career they’d choose if given the option of “doing it all over again.” Here’s the question – what alternate career paths do veterinarians wish they’d taken? Your lucky number this week is 18.

Sagittarius

Nov 22-Dec 21

You run the risk of making some off-color jokes this week and offending a lot of people. Remember – Nazis are the only people you can safely ridicule these days. Enjoy that while it lasts. Your lucky number this week is 63.

Capricorn

Dec 22-Jan 19

Yes, you were proud of that new smartphone, weren’t you? Yes, it’s great for playing games, updating Facebook, keeping a calendar, checking email and all sorts of nifty stuff. The only problem is that the call quality is terrible. Odd how that pricy new phone is great at everything but making and receiving calls, huh? Your lucky number this week is 108.

Aquarius

Jan 20-Feb 18

There are some things you are just not good at and you will try your hand at some of them this week. I, the great Dr. Zodiac, decided a few weeks ago that I would master the illusive art of cooking. I failed miserably and wound up depressed. It seems there are times when it’s best to not even try. Keep that in mind. Your lucky number this week is 54.

Pisces

Feb 19-Mar 20

The word for the week is pescetarian – someone who eats fish but avoids meat. You may decide to become a pescetarian, yourself, but the cravings for a Wendy’s hamburger will become too much to bear. Oh, well. Your lucky number this week is 72.