Horoscope for the week of April 30

I was a little concerned about Dr. Zodiac last week when he failed to turn in a horoscope.

It seems the good doctor had an excellent reason for not providing a horoscope last week – his Crystal Ouija Rune Board broke, thus robbing him of his ability to talk to the stars and find out what kind of misfortune they were sending our way this week.

Of course, a phone call, email, text or singing messenger from Dr. Zodiac would have been nice. Yes, I was concerned something had happened to him, and a simple phone call could have cleared up everything.

Oh, well. Considering I’m not paying him a dime to provide a horoscope every week, I suppose I can’t complain.

What’s in store for you this week? What kind of misery will the stars inflict on you? Will they be nice for a change? Find your astrological sign and read on, pilgrim.

Aries

Mar 21-Apr 19

So, let’s see. You played by the rules and work hard, yet still struggle to pay your bills. Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen has abused substances, abused women, accused the Bush Administration of causing the Sept. 11 attacks and has generally acted like a jerk for years. He’s stinking rich and has a new television series. If that doesn’t prove that life isn’t fair, I’m not sure what will. Your lucky number this week is 15 (not that it matters).

Taurus

Apr 20-May 20

The phrase “they don’t make ‘em like they used to” will, sadly, be proven true by a building inspector taking a hard look at your home or office. Wow. Who would have guessed that plywood from China would be so awful? You should have looked for the Union label, ace. Your lucky number this week is 7.

Gemini

May 21-Jun 21

Your cat will go missing and it will take you at least three weeks to notice. Cats aren’t as much fun as some people claim, are they? Your lucky number this week is 9.

Cancer

Jun 22-Jul 22

It’s time for a new best friend and you will find one in the form of a Louisiana Catahoula leopard dog! Remember to walk it a lot and remember at least once a day how much fun it is to say Louisiana Catahoula leopard dog. Enjoy your new pet. Your lucky number this week is 13.

Leo

Jul 23-Aug

You will be the victim of a cruel hoax this week. You’ll be minding your own business when someone will drop a briefcase at your feet and say, “You know what to do.” Of course, you won’t know what to do, and that’s precisely the point. Your lucky number this week is 93.

Virgo

Aug 23-Sep 22

One of your parents (or both) will tell you something about themselves that is so shocking you’ll feel ill for a week. What is that horrible truth? Guess you get to find out for yourself. Here’s a hint, however – EWW! Your lucky number this week is 32. 

Libra

Sep 23-Oct 23

Tragedy will strike this week unless you remember a simply mantra – righty tighty, lefty loosey. You might want to make sure you’ve got a socket wrench handy this week, too. Your lucky number this week is 5/8.

Scorpio

Oct 24-Nov 21

Do you know what’s harder to give up than smoking? Fruity Pebbles. Sadly, you will learn just how true that is this week. Ah, fruity pebbles. Wish I had some right now. Your lucky number this week is 1,492.

Sagittarius

Nov 22-Dec 21

Your doctor suggested more yogurt in your diet, and you will try to cheat. Remember – frozen yogurt doesn’t have the same nutritional value as the standard, yucky stuff you’re supposed to eat. It takes a lot better, but you know exactly what your doctor meant. Your lucky number this week is 33.

Capricorn

Dec 22-Jan 19

Don’t panic. There is not a garbage strike. The folks who collect your trash have just gotten lazy. Still, they won’t charge you any less for the subpar service they provide. Welcome to life as an adult. If it all that you thought it might be? Your lucky number this week is 2.

Aquarius

Jan 20-Feb 18

Things are finally starting to go your way. Don’t overanalyze it Just enjoy it while it lasts. Those are words to live by, junior. You can thank me later. Your lucky number this week is 47,468.

Pisces

Feb 19-Mar 20

You will feel pressured into taking up with one side or another in your office’s swirling political climate. Don’t do it. Why? You’ll end up backing the wrong side. Look at it this way – if your office was the MLB, you’d root for the Pittsburgh Pirates. If you have some vacation time coming, now would be a good time to use it. Your lucky number this week is 23.