Saturday, August 2, 2008

My daughter owns me


I was working on my blog the other day when my daughter materialized.

"You need to take a picture of me and put it on your blog, daddy," she said.

"A picture of you doing what?"

"Holding a box of Crayons, daddy! That would be cool, daddy! You need to take that photo, daddy!"

"I don't think so, Brenda. You see..."

"Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy!"

So, here's a photo of my seven-year-old daughter holding a box of Crayons. I hope you're happy now, Brenda.

Yes, there's a point to all of this. My daughter owns me and all of you men out there who will one day raise a daughter are in for the same kind of fun.

Here's the thing about daughters -- they're miniature versions of wives. And wives learn how to manipulate their husbands about a minute after they meet them. That skill is passed on to daughters. Fighting against it does no good.

And I did fight against it, indeed. When we found out my wife was pregnant with a girl, I said we were going to be strict with this one. Yes, we had been too soft on our son and things were going to change with our daughter.

I changed that little girl's first diaper and she had already won the battle against her old man by then. She'd been in the world for less than an hour and I was already beaten. I never stood a chance. That's just the way it goes. So, give up, fathers. You can't win.

I've attached two more pictures to further illustrate my point. In the first one, you'll see my daughter asking me to pick her up and hang her upside down by her ankles. Just look at the expression on my face -- I'm trying to tell her no, but it's obvious I'm going to fail (and that may be why my wife was laughing when she was taking that picture).

The next picture, of course, is one of me holding my daughter upside down.

There's just no winning with that one. My only sibling is a brother, so I was terribly unprepared to raise a daughter.

I'll get a bit of revenge when she's a teenager and starts dating, of course. I have a plan. A masterful plan. A wonderful plan. I figure on buying off some boy with the hot video game console at the time and asking him to spread a story.

I want that kid to tell everyone who will listen that he came over to our house to see my daughter and claim that "her father answered the door. He had a gun and he looked at me ... with crazy eye."

The real kicker there, of course, is the crazy eye. Any person who looks at you with crazy eye may, indeed, be insane and who knows what a man with crazy eye will do?

For the boys that aren't intimidated by tales of my kid's insane father, I do have a shotgun. And I'll make sure to make a big show out of cleaning it whenever one of those little brats shows up in my house. Maybe I should get a more vicious looking shotgun -- is a double-barrel or a pump more intimidating?

Of course, there's always the chance my daughter will talk me out of doing even that. No man will ever be good enough for her, however. I'm sure of that much at least.

30 comments:

rkdsign88 said...

She is cute :)

The Natural State Hawg said...

Thanks! I think so -- she looks like a smaller version of my wife.

That may be half the trouble!

Ask Ms Recipe said...

Hi, thanks for visiting my site. I enjoy cooking so I'm sharing my recipes with others. If your wife has a question about cooking I will post the questions and include a link to your website as a thank you. Have a great day.

Ask Ms Recipe

FishHawk said...

Well, you can pretty much kiss all hope of winning the presitigious "Manly Men's Man of the Year Award" away after this post.

Bald Eagle said...

Oh you poor soul... you only think you'll get revenge when she starts dating. Soon enough you'll start telling her to slow down on the growing up. The teen years with a girl are stressful and painful. Then you just lower your head and work to get them through it alive.

Enjoy!

Hannah Fanna said...

That is very funny!

feefifoto said...

My daughter, Hannah Fanna, is the boss of me too. It has something to do with her eyes. If I ever wanted to say no to her I'd have to make her put on a pair of very dark sunglasses first.

The Natural State Hawg said...

ask ms recipe:

Well, I'm sending that wife of mine over. She can introduce herself and her blog when she gets over there!

The Natural State Hawg said...

fishhawk:

I gave up on such awards about five minutes after she was born. It's not my fault -- I was totally unprepared!

The Natural State Hawg said...

bald eagle:

I fear you are right. I've got a son who's right on the edge of entering the teen years, and I feel that will be bad enough.

That little girl of mine already has the potential of being worse...

The Natural State Hawg said...

hannah fanna:

The funnier episode happened around January -- I stayed home from work with my daughter because she was sick. There was a Hanna Montana marathon that day and I watched that with her for about five hours straight.

I still have nightmares...

The Natural State Hawg said...

feefifoto:

I feel your pain. Be strong!

Is said...

TNSH,
Because you're a father to her unless I'm being her stepfather :P
But I'm interested to know more about your "Masterplan". Tell us more in your next installment.

-Cheers-

Theresa Komor said...

Your daughter is beautiful!

Tell your wife congratulations for doing such a good job training her man!

I raised a boy, lived through the teen years just fine. I think it had something to do with the fact that he's a geek. No trouble at all!

Good job, daddy!

The Natural State Hawg said...

Theresa:

My wife doesn't need any such encouragement. She's been satisfied with a job well done for years. It all started the day I learned that golf was no longer an option for me...

The Mad Celt said...

It's great being a Daddy, is it not?

liza said...

you're daughter is so adorable, it's just right that you post her photo here. ;)

i enjoyed the post, it just shows how much you love her ;)

cheers!

crazy working mom said...

She's adorable and I don't think you're the only daddy in this predicament! :)

Great post.

Da Old Man said...

It gets worse.

"No, I'm not buying you a car"
"No, you can't have the black cherry colored one."
"Ok, you have to promise to take care of the black cherry colored car."

a few years have passed and
now, it's become

"No, I'm not buying you another car."

Why do I think I'm going to lose this battle of wills, too?

Pam Robertson said...

My daughters are now 19 and 22, and so I have seen them practice this manipulation that you speak of. Be strong Dawg; it's your best chance!

Love your blog - your writing is a real treat.

The Natural State Hawg said...

liza:

Thanks! It could also show how much of a sap I've become ;)

Ah, that little girl runs me.

The Natural State Hawg said...

is:

It could take years for me to perfect my master plan. She's only seven-years-old, so I've got a few years to study up on it.

My brother-in-law is even more enamored with his daughter than I am. His daughter is older and looks a lot like mine does, so I'll see how he deals with the teen years.

It'll be a study...

The Natural State Hawg said...

the mad celt:

Yes it is!

The Natural State Hawg said...

crazy working mom:

I know I'm not the only one. Sadly, there are a lot of us going through the same thing.

I was raised with a brother. I was completely unprepared.

The Natural State Hawg said...

Pam:

Thank you! I love this little blog. I make my living as a PR guy and miss my days as a news reporter and columnist.

This blog, then, is my creative outlet.

Glad you're enjoying it!

The Natural State Hawg said...

da old man:

Thanks for the encouragement.

Yeah.

Appreciate that.

However, I'm certain you are right. Oh, I'm doomed...

RogerDJ said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog.
I love this post about your daughter and you. Our first was a son who is now 5 and our second is a girl who is only 8 months but I can already see that she has the ability to charm her papa. God help me !

The Natural State Hawg said...

roger:

Heh, heh. You are doomed.

So doomed.

Don't fret, though. It's happened to a lot of us...

Layne | Reward Rebel said...

A more cynical person might suspect you're having a light-hearted dig at women in general! :lol:

The Natural State Hawg said...

Heh. You know, it does kind of come out that way, doesn't it?

Truth be told, I'm beaten by my wife and daughter. I know it. Why fight it?