Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Hawg shares Eric Cartman's dream

Every South Park fans knows that Eric Cartman's dream is to have $10 million.

Notice I said his dream is to have $10 million, not make $10 million. How Cartman gets his money is immaterial.

I, The Hawg, would also like to have $10 million and I've figured out how to get some E-Z cash. How? I'm going to start a business and fail spectacularly.

The government, of course, has been talking about bailouts a lot lately. The auto industry, for example, wants some of that bailout money that was set aside for banks although it has done absolutely nothing to deserve it (in my mind, no business in a capitalist nation deserves a handout from the government -- rotten businesses should fail). Even credit card companies that are in the business of irresponsible lending want some of the action, too.

Yes, it appears that companies like Honda and Toyota were completely unfair to our U.S. auto manufacturers. Those foreign (pronounced "fern" in these parts) companies analyzed the market, projected the future needs of consumers and met them. GM, on the other hand, boldly spent more money on Hummer advertising rather than pay attention to rising gas prices.

Hell, this government would have bailed out buggy manufacturers when automobiles made them obsolete. The current government would have sent some money to companies that insisted on building propeller-driven airplanes in the jet age. It makes sense, then, that auto manufacturers who cranked out SUVs like there was no tomorrow may well get some of the wonderful bailout money (which is backed by a bunch of bonds purchased by the likes of the red Chinese, by the way).

I, too, plan to have a business that's not viable and try to get some of that government money. My plan? I'll start a company that prints and sells tee shirts that have the slogan "Obama is my president" on them. I'll have those printed up in time for the presidential inauguration in January.

We all know that ObamaMania is sweeping the nation, so I figure I'll be able to sell a heck of a lot of those things and grow my business quickly. I'll need some employees, so I'll hire some of those. I'll be a kind boss and make sure they join a union, too. We all know that good Democrats (and a lot of Republicans) wouldn't let a company fail and put unionized employees out of work, don't we?

Of course, ObamaMania will wane at some point and that should cause my business to tank. If it doesn't tank, I'll simply mismanage it into the ground. Whether it goes broke naturally or through my horrible management doesn't matter one whit. It will go broke. That's a promise.

At that point, I can demand a bailout. I'll get on television and cry, claiming something has to be done to save all the jobs my company provides. Yes, I'll say the economy is tough and the government needs to step in and prevent more Americans from losing their jobs.

So, I'll get my money. Of course, the company will fail anyway because there won't be enough money in the world to make that dog a winner. At the end of the day, I'll have my $10 million, the federal government will be just a little further in debt to the Chinese and everything will be peachy.

Welcome to the new economy! All you have to do is fail spectacularly and the feds will rush in and save you. That's a hell of a deal!


Da Old Man said...

Sounds like a winning idea to me. One thing missing from your plan is a tremendous number of really overpaid management types. A failing company really needs to be top heavy with slacker management.
It appears your tee shirt company desperately needs a VP in charge of the R&D department for sleeve technology. I suppose I could head up the collar division if that job has already been taken.
To whom should my resume be forwarded?

The Natural State Hawg said...

You are very correct, and I like the way you think about sleeves. Yes, it's my view that a sleeve should both cover the arm and be made out of some sort of material that is breathable.

I've heard of this new fangled material called "cotton" (something like that, at least) that looks promising.

But, that's not my job. Congratulations, MR. VP in Charge of the R&D Department for Sleeve Technology.

You position includes a key to the executive washroom and the permission to grab money from the till when no one is looking.

Krissi said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again, what ever happened to the days where if you did BAD BUSINESS you FAILED??? Why all of a sudden does the Government think all these people need bailing out? And why is it that they take our tax money to bail them out and we get NO SAY SO on the matter?? Its preposterous!!! Damn fools!!

The Natural State Hawg said...


I've been asking myself those same questions lately. And here's the thing that makes it even worse in my mind -- we're going heavily in debt to the blasted Chinese to finance all this stuff. That's just insane!

Reg Fife said...

What's China going to "re-possess" if we don't get our bills paid? (gulp)

I don't suppose the U.S. government can declare bankruptcy, or hire a debt consolidation agency?

GumbyTheCat said...

Don't forget the tag on the T-shirt: "Made In Kenya (oops we mean Hawaii)".

Naoya said...

I love it.
Make the world depend on you for all their T-Shirt needs and then run an entire country down with your company.
Unfortunately, I don't think there will be an economy by the time your company gets to Bailout status.

The Natural State Hawg said...

Reg -- I have no idea, but I do know that being in debt to the red Chinese is a terrible idea.

Heh. A bankrupt nation, huh? Yeah, that would be fun when it was time to liquidate, wouldn't it.

Gumby -- Now, part of my brilliant plan is to have the actual shirts made in China. Ah, yes. Send China some money there, send them some more when my company needs to get bailed out.

Just perfect.

Naoya -- I take that as a challenge! I plan to put my company together by mid-December, sell tee shirts to Obama's fan prior to the Jan. 21 inauguration and then be staring down the barrel of bankruptcy by mid-February.

Yes, I'll work fast. said...


I would like to purchase one of your president-elect T-shirts, on credit, of course. Then I can default on the loan and you can simply give it to me.

I'll then take my new shirt and promptly head to Washington D.C. While standing on the steps of the Capital building, I'll put it on, place my hand over my heart and sing, "God bless America, bailouts that I looove..."

The Natural State Hawg said...


Ah, I see you've been studying up on the new economy. I plan on buying my tee shirts on credit, too, and defaulting on them.

It's kind of a warped barter system -- get something for nothing of value in return.

I'll join you in that sing-along.

ImitationAngel said...

I'm game. Can I get one of those CIO or COO positions? I need one of those extremely high salaries before the bailout comes.

I see Paul has a good idea too. I think I'll go with him too.

The Natural State Hawg said...

imitationangel -- Sure thing! I'll hand out executive positions right and left. We might as well all get some of that bailout money, huh?

Grandy said...

Do I detect a hint of sarcasm?



The Natural State Hawg said...


Me? Sarcastic? Uh-uh. Nope. Never. Not me.

The All Arkie Army!

Allure said...

The tshirt business is a great idea!

I am sure there is a market for the Obamamania tshirt here in the Phillippines too.

The Natural State Hawg said...

allure -- I'm sure that ObamaMania has hit the Phillippines and a lot of nations around the world.

The election of Obama is evidence of a complete overreaction on the part of American voters. A lot of people got tired of the international community's view of the US as a bully, so they elected someone who will make sure that America is -- once again -- the world's bitch.

Apparently, moderation is not something people in this nation understand.