The Hawg's plan to stimulate the economy

It seems that everyone and their dog has been wanting a big pile of free money from the government these days.

Companies in the financial sector have been getting a bailout lately and the auto industry is begging for money, too.

Here's the thing -- most of those companies claiming they need a bailout are doing so because they did something stupid that got them into trouble.

What about those of us who have avoided being idiotic with our money and are in pretty good shape? Shouldn't we be rewarded for our responsible behavior?

I sure think so. Therefore, I plan on asking the government for $10 million. Hey, everyone else wants free money from the feds, so where's my cut? I can get by just fine on my own, but perhaps I need some of that bailout money, too. I could greatly improve my standard of living for $10 million, so why not?

Besides, I could stimulate the economy like nobody's business. When I go to Washington and start begging for money, I'll tell them exactly how that $10 million will be spend and how any bailout money I receive can help the economy:

1. I'll help out the airlines. I'll start helping the U.S. economy even before I get any free government money. Yes, I'll buy a round-trip ticket from an airline, thereby sending some cash to an American business. There will be no private jets for me. And, hell, it just looks bad to take a private jet when you're heading off to Washington to beg for cash, right?

2. I'll help provide jobs to unemployed Americans. Should I get $10 million, neither my wife nor I will have to go to work anymore. So we'll promptly quit our jobs, thus freeing them up for people who are unemployed and want to go to work. What's wrong with that?

3. I'll help the U.S. auto industry. My wife wants one of those new Ford Mustangs. Should the government makes us stinking rich, she can buy one. Furthermore, I'll purchase a Pontiac Solstice (because I've always wanted a roadster) and a Dodge Caravan (so we'll have a vehicle to haul our kids around in).

So, there are three purchases we'll make, and you'll notice that we'll spread the wealth around to all three major U.S. auto manufacturers.

Ah, but it gets even better -- we'll help out specialty car salesmen and the parts business, too. How? I'll purchase that 1969 Oldsmobile 442 I've always wanted. I have no practical skills so finding and Olds somewhere and restoring it myself is out of the question. I'd have to find it from one of those individuals or car lots that specialize in old muscle cars. So, there's some money for them. Also, 40-year-old cars generally need a lot of parts -- that's particularly true when we're talking about a car that I would drive like a bat out of hell. So, there's some money for the parts industry, too.

Oh, and let's not forget that the 455 V8 that comes in the 442 burns gas like crazy. The convenience store owner down the street would love me because I'd always be stopping by there to buy some more fuel for that gas-guzzler. So, I'd help her business out, too.

4. I'd help out the financial industry. I've got a mortgage on my house, so I'd pay that off immediately. Furthermore, I'd have to keep my money in some bank somewhere, so the lucky bank (or group of them) would benefit from my largess. Also, I'd probably want to invest that money somewhere, so I'd help out a financial advisor, too.

5. I'd help out the construction industry. I could finally afford that "man room" I've always wanted, so I'd have that build onto the house. It would be a pretty big room, of course, and would be packed with essentials such as pool tables, a refrigerator for my beer (American beer, of course) and etc. The retail industry would benefit as I went spend happy, of course, and I'd also try to buy as many American-made products as I could for my man room (we don't make much in this country anymore, but I'd got out of my way to pick up those items that are manufactured here).

6. The recreation industry in central Arkansas would love The Hawg. After I've selflessly given up my job so that someone else could have it, I'd be stuck with a lot of free time on my hands. So, I'd throw the clubs in the Olds and head out to play golf. A lot of golf. Tennis, too.

Oh, and I'd be able to better support my hobby of banging on guitars until my wife tells me to stop it. Dillion Guitars would make a killing off of me. That's a fantastic, American company. A lot of their guitars are made in the U.S., they make a great copy of the rosewood Telecaster (the "Rosie") that George Harrison played on the Beatles' Let it Be album (very cool). Also, I know from experience that the owner of the company will e-mail you back when you send in questions. There's something to be said for solid customer service, right?

They've got some great stuff over at Dillion and I'd probably be tempted to buy one of everything. I could afford it, so why not? I'd need to pick up a new amplifier or two and you'd better believe I'd be buying American. That Fender Twin Reverb I've always wanted would have a prominent place in my new man room

So, there's my plan. Wish me luck.