Sunday, November 30, 2008

Take that, you bastard!

I hate cell phones. I've always hated cell phones and resent having to use them.

Now, there are times when they are very useful, but usually they're just annoying. I hate the way mine rings four times before slipping into voice mail, thus not giving me enough time to find the thing and answer it. I hate voice mail, too, and I rarely listen to it.

I hate how my voice mails stack up and I have to wade through 15 of the things to get to one that I want. I hate the fact that anyone can reach me at any time through my cell and I hate the fact that I can't bring myself to turn the cell phone off because I might miss an important call.

I hate the fact that 80 percent of the calls I get are ones I don't want and that more than one peaceful drive has been shattered by that blasted thing ringing while I'm trying to listen to KISS' Love Gun album or something equally inspirational.

So, my cell phone got the hell beaten out of it today. Yeah, look at it in that picture. The LCD screen is a mess because it's too flimsy to hold up to the shock of being thrown against a wall. The battery on that thing has been going out for some time, and the blasted thing cut off on me during the middle of an important conversation tonight. So I threw it. Three times. Kicked it at least twice and stomped it once, too. I put the pieces back together after I threw my fit and the damn thing still works.

Sadly, it appears I'll be getting a new one in the morning. I've had my phone for over three years and my office has a contract under which I can get a new cell every two years. I was warming up to the idea of living without a cell phone, but it looks like I'll have another one of the damned things to seethe at and despise. Alas!

I think I might actually miss my phone because it's pretty basic. It pretty much allows me to store phone numbers and make phone calls. That's about it. You can't take photos with it, there's no blue tooth connectivity so you can't grab annoying snippets of music out of the air and use them for ring tones and one of those obnoxious blue tooth headsets is out of the question, too.

I hate those blue tooth headsets, you know? There's nothing worse than someone who walks around talking in one of those things constantly. Are they on the phone? Talking to me? Crazy as hell and talking to no one? It's often hard to tell. I hate text messaging, too, primarily because of the idiotic "shorthand" that has become common with that junk. Messages like "C U l8er" and "What r u doing?" make me want to find the person sending that junk, put his phone through a wall and send him to a remedial English class. Here's one for you, text boy -- "U R A GD dick." Heh, heh.

I fear I'll get one of those awful flip phones like my wife has. Yes, they come in "custom" colors, take horrible little photos and allows her to customize ring tones for everyone. It does a lot of other junk I'm not interested in, too.

I really just want something I dial numbers with and will take being thrown against a wall. With all the crap they stuff in phones these days, you'd think they'd make at least one that was hate resistant and could take being stomped, thrown off a three-story building or kicked across a parking lot, wouldn't you? No, it seems the phone companies are more interested in catering to people who are too cheap to buy a laptop than building a phone that can take a good, honest beating.

Take the iPhone, for example. It just feels like it could be destroyed with one, weak blow from a baseball bat. A friend of mine at work got an iPhone and he can't stop talking about it. I'd destroy one of those in about five minutes. They are thin and flat, however -- perfect for skipping across a pond.

I once paid $400 for a phone that was pretty flimsy. It didn't survive being thrown out of my car window when I was driving down the interstate at 80 miles per hour. Piece of junk. Must have been made in China. Another one didn't survive a trip through a washing machine. Garbage.

I actually got away with not carrying a cell phone from about 1997 (the time I tossed one out of my car window) until around 2000. My wife decided I needed one and she made me carry a cell. My office requires me to carry one, too. Thank goodness they pay the bill. I might "forget" to do that.

Someone asked an idiotic question not long ago -- "What did we do without cell phones?" We talked to each other during lunch without being interrupted, could actually get away from the office and were generally happier. Those blasted cell phones are evil, even if they are convenient and useful about once every couple of months. The devil came up with those things. I'm convinced of it.

Now, that I've ranted and raved a bit, I'll reward you folks who have read through this mess with a soothing picture of The Kitten trying to figure out how to approach the train we've got running around the base of one of our Christmas trees. Enjoy!


Simply Eva said...

hahahahah--great post! I used to feel just like you and swore I'd never have a cell phone but I do! Seems the world is changing and we just have to change with it. I used to feel the same way about computers and resisted until I couldnt any longer--now I cant live without that either. What can you do? What's your number--hehe

The Natural State Hawg said...

Eva -- Well, I hate computers, too, but I've been using them for about 27 years now (got my first one when I was 12-years-old) and have found them useful.

Cell phones, on the other hand, are about 15 percent useful and 85 percent annoying. I was thinking about that on my day off last spring when I was standing in my front yard getting interviewed by a television reporter.

How did that happen? He called me on my cell and talked me into dropping by. Cell phones have made public relations a rotten profession, indeed.

Ah, but I'll have another phone to mangle in the morning. Good times...

myi4u said...

when you need to make a call, cell phone is always nice. otherwise, it is just a small brick in your pocket, obstructing you when you want to get your keys or coins or when you a squatting down.

i used to like cell phones that can do a lot of things; emails, browsing, taking pictures, 3G, modem, touch screen and more. however, cell phones with too many functions are just slow.

right now, i have a SE P990i and a Nokia E61. i am planning to sell my SE P990i and get a SE K850i. but i still love my Nokia E61.

Theresa said...

Good thing for you that the clamshell/flip phones are on their way out. Now they are even easier to break with screens always right there to catch whatever heads their way.

By the way, I love my iPhone!

Krissi said...

I am still laughing! While I don't agree on your hate of cell phones, in fact I am hoplessly addicted to mine (which is a great big HUGE piece of crap, but will be replaced in a matter of a few days when I am again up for renewal of my AT&T contract) I still laugh because I can totally relate to the fit that was thrown when the phone mysteriously tanked on you.... mine has done that often and to this day shows it scars proudly!! Ahh modern technology!! said...

Hawg - You speak mah language!

I do NOT like cell phones and tell people, "If I did not have a wife, I would not have a cell phone."

If people need to get a hold of me, they call call my home or office phone. If it is truly important, they can leave a message.

And when I see people running around with a blue tooth thingie in their ear, it makes me wonder about them...

mcangeli said...

I couldn't live with out my blackberry. Its got my email on it, when I'm at family functions, I can slip away from the din of the crowd and check the scores of the games on or I can read my favorite forums and what not.

Plus, I can administer all of the windows boxes at work on it with a flick of the trackball....

JD at I Do Things said...

OMG. Did I write this post? No way, it's too damn funny. I could've written it tho. Luckily I don't need a phone but I have one for emergencies. Also luckily, everyone knows to never call me. I haven't checked to see if it's hate-resistant . . . hold on a sec . . .


Nope. Guess not. And now for a soothing kitten photo . . .

JD at I Do Things

Tiddles said...

Ok so for Christmas I will send you one of my cell phones, I have 3 and they ring all day, everyday! For an added bonus I will not tell people I sent you the cell phone so all these Dutch people will call you. Yes my work phone is on the way :-P

ImitationAngel said...

I was eating when I first started reading this. Remind me never to do that again. I laughed so hard that I had food shooting from my nose (true geek fashion).

Anyway I don't know which phone company you're with but there is a phone made by Nextel/Sprint that has a "rugged" design that can stand up to being beaten. I can't think of the model but my mom has one and it takes a daily beating and still works great.

Barbra Seville said...

You can turn on the vibrate, then if you push 33 you can skip the @$#@ voicemails, I hate vm too that's why we have caller id not to have vm... Unfortunately I am in tech support and teach people all day everyday how to use their phones, internet ,tv etc. Blue tooth people look insane. That was the funniest post I have read in awhile!

shaxx said...

Thanks for being one of my top droppers for Nov 2008!

Matt said...

I used to feel the same way, Hawg. "What the hell do I need with a phone that takes pictures anyway? What do I want to take pictures of? And music? On my phone? That's what I have a stereo in my truck for. Give me a break."

Then my company gave me a $250.00 Visa card for some damn thing or other, just when my phone was cratering, so I went to get a new one. Well, the Sony Ericsson Walkman phone had just come out and the guy said he would sell it to me guessed it...$250.00.

Oh, what the hell, I'll try it. And guess what? Now I love it. I even bought an 8 gig chip so I could download more music, I take pictures of everything in site and I can download songs from my computer using the bluetooth feature.

Oh, and it talks to the Bluetooth in my truck, so I don't even have to take the phone out when I get in my truck. I can make calls by voice command, and if I get an incoming call while I am jamming to music, the stereo shuts off and the call comes through on my stereo speakers. I guess I am hooked!

Da Old Man said...

If a cell phone is dropped in a bucket of urine, it stops working. Don't ask how I know this.

I have found though, that many people who shouldn't have cells have them so they are able to annoy others "On the go."

Don said...

I'm with you. It would be so easy for me to adjust to life without one. I broke a watch I had about a year ago. I've always worn a watch, up until about a year ago that is. I don't want another either...not needed. Well, I do check the time on the PHONE though!

angelinabeadalina said...

Good grief! You've been channeling my husband, haven't you? He actually got away without having a cell phone until about 2 1/2 years ago. . .refused to buy one for a former job because they wouldn't foot the bill and he didn't want a cell phone. He hasn't washed his or thrown it out a car window yet, but I know he wishes he could! Thank goodness he's not a cell phone kinda guy, or it would drive me crazy. I know people who continually call their spouses all. freaking. day. long. Nope, sorry, I'm a big girl. Don't need anyone to hold my hand via the airwaves 24/7.

JihadGene said...

I'm with ya, my man. Cell phones suk LOOONG time!!!

Great Reader KIM Jong IL
Near the DMZ/Fresno, CA.

The Natural State Hawg said...

myi4u -- Well, my new phone is an aggravating piece of crap, too, but at least it's got blue tooth on it so I now have the Dead Kennedy's "Take this Job and Shove It" as my ring tone. That's got to be worth something.

Theresa -- Enjoy your iPhone. I'd smash one to pieces within a week if I had it. I go for the cheapest free phone I can get so I won't have to pay much to replace it.

I've got one of those deals under which I get a new phone every two years. I feel fortunate, then, that I didn't smash my old Nokia until I had it for over three years.

Krissi -- Don't get addicted to those things! They're evil!

Paul -- My wife was the first one to insist on chaining me to a cell phone. My office requires me to have one. There are times I'd swear the folks at that office hate me.

I hope the person who came up with those blue tooth headsets rots in hell.

McAngeli -- My boss offered to give me a Blackberry. I declined. I don't want to pay for it when I smash it.

J.D. -- "I hate my phone so you don't have to?" Got a nice ring to it.

It's better to crack the phone than the kitten, right?

Tiddles -- No! God, no!

Imitation Angel -- I'm on AT&T and didn't see a single model that looked like it could take a beating. I should switch over, maybe, and get one of those hate resistant ones!

Sorry about the mess my post caused ;)

Barbara Seville -- Thanks for the compliment and the tip! Since you deal with those things all day long, you must truly hate them.

The blue tooth people remind me of the Borg, what with their flashing lights and weird technology that looks like it's growing out of their ears. That's just creepy.

Shaxx -- Thanks for the great link on your page. I appreciate that!

I need to put up a "top droppers" list of my own, I see...

Matt -- I will never, never get that addicted to a phone. Phones annoy me. One that follows me around annoys me even more.

Da Old Man -- I won't ask how you know that. Honestly.

The Israelis developed something that will jam cell phone signals in an area about the size of a Greyhound bus. I would love to carry one of those around with me.

Don -- One of these days, I'm sure I'll get the chance to rediscover how great life can be without a portable irritant that I'm required to carry with me. I'll be a happy The Hawg, indeed.

Angelinabeadalina -- I should start up that Anti Cellphone League. A lot of people would join, I'm sure.

That reminds me of a golf story. I was playing with this friend of mine and his wife called him on every single hole. I came close to saying "screw this" and heading home.

KIM Jong IL -- You big man! Big man!

Hillbilly Willy said...

Just a minute Hawg! My other line is ringing and you are not as important as the telemarketer on the other line. Please hold on a minute and I might get back to you.

Don't you just love them!

10-4 Willy