There are some things in this world that just bug the hell out of me.
One of those things is how cheap, nasty milk chocolate simply dominates the desert and candy industries. That garbage has only grown in popularity since I was a kid and it appears that no end is in site. I well remember a few years ago when my wife made a beautiful cheesecake and then dumped filthy, disgusting chocolate all over it.
I could have cried. I might have cried, in fact.
At any rate, the most vile invention in the already evil chocolate world is M&M's. That slop is the Chicken McNuggets of the chocolate world -- candy made with the cheapest crap available but one that has thrived thanks to an insidious marketing campaign.
Ah, but there's a nasty little secret to M&M's -- that particularly anti-American and environmentally unsound candy was originally developed by the Nazis. Yes, the Mars Company folks (those filthy dogs!) like to claim that stuff was made available to U.S. soldiers in World War II.
That's partially true. M&M's were developed by Hitler's Germany for the express purpose of crushing the morale of American troops. Thanks to a handy tool over at the Mars (those filthy dogs!) Internet site, I was able to design some custom M&M's so that they appear exactly as they did when Hitler and his boys were flinging them at our troops.
Yeah, that's right. Those horrible things were tossed at hungry American troops and bore such messages as "Sieg Hiel!" and "Hitler is great." Go ahead and take a look at the authentic reproductions of the original M&M's at the top of this post. The folks at Mars (those filthy dogs!) should be ashamed of themselves for participating in such madness and actively attempting to undermine the Allies.
We all know that little Forrest Mars got in a spat with his daddy and sulked around Europe prior to World War II, right? The folks at Mars (those filthy dogs!) will tell you that Forrest came up with the Mars Bar and M&M's while he was throwing his hissy fit and he put those in production when he came back to the U.S.
That story is only half true. What was Forrest really doing in Europe? He was working on a candy bomb for the Nazis -- a treat that would explode when broken with a tooth and wipe out platoons of soldiers. We are somewhat fortunate that Forrest scrapped his candy bomb plans and fell back on simply making his evil, awful and nauseating M&M's.
He failed to make a candy bomb, so he went for the next best thing -- a piece of low-grade chocolate covered by the same candy shell that graces Drixoral tablets. The hard shell was essential, see, because it was durable enough so that the Nazis could stamp their propaganda directly on it.
Yeah, go ahead and call me crazy. However, just remember this -- whenever you eat an M&M, you're enjoying a treat that was developed by the Nazis. Don't fall for slick marketing campaigns featuring "cute" pieces of talking candy. Put down those M&M's and pick up a good, American treat instead.