Thursday, June 4, 2009

The filthy truth behind M&M's

There are some things in this world that just bug the hell out of me.

One of those things is how cheap, nasty milk chocolate simply dominates the desert and candy industries. That garbage has only grown in popularity since I was a kid and it appears that no end is in site. I well remember a few years ago when my wife made a beautiful cheesecake and then dumped filthy, disgusting chocolate all over it.

I could have cried. I might have cried, in fact.

At any rate, the most vile invention in the already evil chocolate world is M&M's. That slop is the Chicken McNuggets of the chocolate world -- candy made with the cheapest crap available but one that has thrived thanks to an insidious marketing campaign.

Ah, but there's a nasty little secret to M&M's -- that particularly anti-American and environmentally unsound candy was originally developed by the Nazis. Yes, the Mars Company folks (those filthy dogs!) like to claim that stuff was made available to U.S. soldiers in World War II.

That's partially true. M&M's were developed by Hitler's Germany for the express purpose of crushing the morale of American troops. Thanks to a handy tool over at the Mars (those filthy dogs!) Internet site, I was able to design some custom M&M's so that they appear exactly as they did when Hitler and his boys were flinging them at our troops.

Yeah, that's right. Those horrible things were tossed at hungry American troops and bore such messages as "Sieg Hiel!" and "Hitler is great." Go ahead and take a look at the authentic reproductions of the original M&M's at the top of this post. The folks at Mars (those filthy dogs!) should be ashamed of themselves for participating in such madness and actively attempting to undermine the Allies.

We all know that little Forrest Mars got in a spat with his daddy and sulked around Europe prior to World War II, right? The folks at Mars (those filthy dogs!) will tell you that Forrest came up with the Mars Bar and M&M's while he was throwing his hissy fit and he put those in production when he came back to the U.S.

That story is only half true. What was Forrest really doing in Europe? He was working on a candy bomb for the Nazis -- a treat that would explode when broken with a tooth and wipe out platoons of soldiers. We are somewhat fortunate that Forrest scrapped his candy bomb plans and fell back on simply making his evil, awful and nauseating M&M's.

He failed to make a candy bomb, so he went for the next best thing -- a piece of low-grade chocolate covered by the same candy shell that graces Drixoral tablets. The hard shell was essential, see, because it was durable enough so that the Nazis could stamp their propaganda directly on it.

Yeah, go ahead and call me crazy. However, just remember this -- whenever you eat an M&M, you're enjoying a treat that was developed by the Nazis. Don't fall for slick marketing campaigns featuring "cute" pieces of talking candy. Put down those M&M's and pick up a good, American treat instead.


Danny Thornton said...

I guess I have to change my gift for you.

Patricia Rockwell said...

I will never eat another M & M.

Sherry said...

I love M & M's and especially the dark chocolate ones.

JD at I Do Things said...

Oh, poo. I love M&Ms. I have a friend who used to handle the marketing campaign for Mars, and she got to tour the plant. She said fresh M&Ms (not warm, out of the oven, just fresh) taste completely different than what we're used to.

Any of that chocolate cheesecake left?

Da Old Man said...

M&M s are cheap junk. The Nazi angle totally explains it all.

I only eat dark chocolate.

The Natural State Hawg said...

Danny -- That's right!

Patricia -- You're a good American.

Sherry -- I'm deeply disappointed. M&M's are one of the many things in this world that just annoy me to an irrational degree. Odd, huh?

JD -- I'm stunned to hear that, JD. Stunned! I never would have counted you among the Nazi sympathizers.

Da Old Man -- Dark chocolate is great stuff. It's getting pushed out of the marketplace by that junky milk chocolate, however.

It's a true pity.

nipsy said...

Ever notice as you suck on an M&M that the writing lasts longer than the actual chocolate and the shell? You're left with little white letters sitting on your tongue. Just what are those painted on with?

Tattoo Jim said...

It is a shame that so many people have been tempted with sweetness of milk chocolate when DARK CHOCOLATE is available... I've always said that The York Peppermint Patty was the worlds most perfect food. Dark chocolate outside and minty inside... that has to be all American!!!! By the by, this is my first but not last visit here... Don sent me...

Anonymous said...

Forrest Mars, Sr., founder of the Mars Company, got the idea for the confection in the 1930s during the Spanish Civil War when he saw soldiers eating chocolate pellets with a hard shell surrounding the inside, preventing them from melting. Mars received a patent for his own process on March 3, 1941. Production began in 1941 in a factory located at 285 Badger Avenue in Clinton Hill, Newark, New Jersey. One M was for Forrest E. Mars Sr., and the other M was for Bruce Murrie, son of long-term Hershey president William F.R. Murrie.[2] Murrie had 20 percent interest in the product. The arrangement allowed the candies to be made with Hershey chocolate which had control of the rationed chocolate.[3] When operations were started, the hard-coated chocolates were made in seven different colors: Blue, Brown, Yellow, Orange, Red, Green and Violet. They were served in a cardboard tube (similar to Smarties).[4]

The practicality of the candies during World War II caused an increase in production and its factory moved to bigger quarters at 200 North 12th Street in Newark, New Jersey where they remained until 1958 when it moved to a bigger factory at Hackettstown, New Jersey. During the War the candies were exclusively sold to the military.[4]

In 1948 the cardboard packaging was replaced by the black cellophane packaging. In the same year Mars bought out Murrie's 20 percent stake.