Who is Dr. Zodiac? Why, he’s a general purpose psychic, soothsayer and master of the occult who can predict the future through his impressive connection to the stars. According to Dr. Zodiac, the stars hate us all and have chosen to tell him the calamity they have in store for us.
That’s not to say that it’s all misery for us. No, Dr. Zodiac says the stars will throw mankind a bone every now for the heck of it. The stars may not like us, but that doesn’t mean we won’t get a positive horoscope from time to time. Actually, Dr. Zodiac calls them StarCasts, but that’s another story.
What do the stars have in store for you this week? Scroll through the below StarCasts, find your astronomical sign and see for yourself.
Mar 21-Apr 19
Monday is Dr. Martin Luther King Day and it’s time for you to engage in a bit of introspection. Dr. King had a dream and he helped change the world. You had a dream, too – do drive a really cool car. Your priorities are out of whack, Aries. You can do better. Your lucky number this week is 16.
Apr 20-May 20
Big Star, the undisputed leader of the stars, tells me you’re in trouble this week. Why? The stars are particularly angry at you and are out to make an example of you so as to warn others not to engage in your foolish behavior. What did you do? You’ve run around wishing on stars for years. The stars are sick of it. Instead of dreams coming true, you’ll discover a few low grade nightmares will become your uncomfortable reality this week. Good luck. Your lucky number this week is n/a.
May 21-Jun 21
You’ll live up to your astrological sign this week in a kind of Jeckyll & Hyde way. You’ll be all kind and charming one moment and completely intolerable the next. Dealing with you this week will be like putting up with someone on Prednisone. It’s unpleasant, sure, but you’ll not be able to control your behavior – the stars have spoken. Your lucky number this week is 2.
Jun 22-Jul 22
You’ve got it all wrong. The lyrics to ‘C’mon and Love Me” by Kiss are “she’s a dancer / a romancer / I’m a Capricorn and she’s a Cancer.” And you’ve gone around all these years thinking Paul Stanley was singing “she’s got Cancer.” Wacky. Your lucky number this week is 4.
Jul 23-Aug 22
You’re not getting any younger, Leo. That will become very evident this week when you step into an elevator and here one of your favorite songs from your teen years playing. You always knew that would happen, wouldn’t you? Your lucky number this week is 1984!
Aug 23-Sep 22
I wish that I was lucky enough to be a Virgo this week. Why? Because you’re in for a good week, Virgo. Years ago, I – the famed Dr. Zodiac – was playing golf on a course here in Little Rock. I chased my ball into the woods and found $5. That was a great feeling. Just imagine that great feeling multiplied by about 1,000 and that’s the kind of week you will experience. Enjoy it! Your lucky number this week is 17.
Sep 23-Oct 23
You will finally get sick of all the Republican primary stuff this week. The Republican candidates stink. President Obama is rotten, too. You’ll strongly dislike the fellow who takes over as president in January and you know it, so why suffer through the primaries? A lot of us are asking the same question. Cheer up – it’ll all be over in a little less than 10 months. Yuck. Your lucky number this week is November.
Oct 24-Nov 21
You will be tempted to take up a hobby this week. Don’t do it. Listen to me closely – just don’t. Why? If you take up a hobby, you will wind up spending a bunch of money on something you’ll not like. If you’re in a hurry to blow some cash, though, I have a solution – just send it to me, your good friend Dr. Zodiac. Your lucky number this week is blue.
Nov 22-Dec 21
That blasted squirrel is back again. You know the one – he or she hangs around outside your window, chatters and appears to be watching you. Here’s some news for you – that squirrel is watching you. It was sent by the stars, in fact. The squirrel is harmless, but very annoying. Your lucky number this week is 48.
Dec 22-Jan 19
You will annoy your friends and family this week by becoming obsessed with creating a new buzzword or catchy phrase for the masses. Your new phrase may well catch on, but it will fall out of favor by this time next year. Fame is fleeting, my friend. Your lucky number this week is 23 skidoo!
Jan 20-Feb 18
You’re in trouble this week. Why? You will start examining the philosophical meanings behind Jim Varney’s “Ernest” character. Here’s the thing – there’s nothing deep or heavy about those Ernest movies. They’re just fun. Just stupid, plain fun. Accept it. Your lucky number this week is 22.
Feb 19-Mar 20
Television will become very important to you this week. Actually, you’ll become obsessed with it. And you’ll want to watch all kinds of awful reruns – 1970s sitcoms and that kind of thing. Don’t let it get you down – it’s only for a week. Your lucky number this week is 4077.