Yes, the rumors are true – I, The Hawg, used to be a lawyer.
Now, I realize that’s rather like being an alcoholic in that you never quite live it down. To that end, I am a recovering lawyer and I will be for the rest of my days. I started a solo practice in 1995 and got a couple of law partners in 1996. In 1998, one of those partners filed went nuts, filed a ridiculous lawsuit against the plant in Benton County that makes Little Debbie snack cakes, didn’t show up for work one day and wound up dealing cards at some casino in Tunica, Miss. Hey, that’s a true story – you can’t make up that kind of thing.
In February 1999, my other law partner told me she had accepted a job at another firm. I shut down the office a week later and haven’t looked back. Could I have kept the office going? Sure. I made a comfortable living and was usually competent at my job. Still, being a lawyer sucked. I figured I put in my four years and that was enough.
What’s the point of mentioning all this? Simply put, attorneys hear the best lawyer jokes and I’m going to share my two favorite ones with you. Ready? Here we go…
Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?Hah! That’s a real rib tickler! A knee slapper! It’s simple but effective. The next one is a bit more involved but I like it better.
A. Cut the rope.
A Hindu, a Jew and a lawyer were taking a road trip through the backwoods of Tennessee.
They had been driving all day and were tired, but there was no hotel to be found. They came across a farmhouse and decided to ask the owner if they could stay with him for the night.
“Sure, y’all can stay here,” the farmer said. “But the bed in the guestroom only sleeps two people, so one of you will have to sleep out in the barn. Don’t worry – it’s nice out there. I sleep there myself when the wife is mad at me.”
The barn sounded fine to the Hindu.
“You two fellows take the bed and I’ll sleep out in the barn,” the Hindu said.
The lawyer and the Jew were getting settled down in the bed when they heard a knock on the guestroom door. It was the Hindu.
“There’s a cow at there,” he said. “I’m not sleeping under the same roof as a cow.”
“That’s fine,” the Jew said. “You two take the bed and I’ll sleep out in the barn.”
The lawyer and the Hindu were getting settled down in the bed when they heard a knock at the door. It was the Jew.
“There’s a pig out there,” he said. “There’s no way I’m sleeping with a pig!”
“That’s fine,” the lawyer said. “Y’all take the bed and I’ll sleep in the barn.”
The Jew and the Hindu were getting settled down in the bed when they heard a knock at the door. It was the cow and the pig.
Now, here’s a funny story about that joke. When I was in my second year of law school, my ethics professor gave out bonus points for the joke of the week. I submitted the “Lawyer, Jew and Hindu” joke and he stopped me after class.
“I can’t accept this,” he said.
“Because it’s racially insensitive.”
“There might be a Jew or Hindu in class and they might be insulted.”
“Because the joke makes fun of the beliefs of Jews and Hindus.”
“No it doesn’t,” I said. “It makes fun of lawyers.”
“Yes, but it also makes fun of Jews and Hindus,” he said.
“If you don’t know by now, I won’t be able to explain it to you.”
And, that was that.
Heh. Lawyers. Go figure.