Horoscope for the week of Jan. 23

Yes, here we are in week two of Dr. Zodiac’s move from First Arkansas News. The good doctor tells us he’s settling in well here at The Natural State Hawg and is glad of the opportunity to warn people about the treachery the stars have in store for them.

Yes, those stars are just downright mean, Zodiac says. They scheme and plot against mankind and have – for some reason – chosen to reveal their plans to the good doctor so he can reveal them to us. Ah, aren’t we lucky?

What do the stars have in store for you this week? Have a look at your below StarCast for the week and find out for yourself.

Aries

Mar 21-Apr 19

You will become obsessed with politics this week. Yes, you will back a presidential candidate that you are convinced will lead the nation back to greatness and improve life for you and your family. At some point, however, you will realize that the elected official you are convinced is the answer to your prayers cares as little about you as the rest of the rascals. Learn to accept that truth and you’ll be better off for it. Your lucky number this week is 22.

Taurus

Apr 20-May 20

Money’s a little tight for you these days, but you’ve got the answer, don’t you? That’s right – the lottery. God help you if your state has a lottery because you’ll throw every dime you have at it. If your state doesn’t have a lottery, you’ll find a way to lose your money in a nearby state that does have one. I don’t know if I can dissuade you from buying a bunch of lottery tickets, but I’ll try. You won’t win, Taurus – no one ever does. Your lucky number this week is –1,000.

Gemini

May 21-Jun 21

While Taurus is blowing his money on the lottery, you’ll be waiting for your W-2 so you can file your taxes and get that big, fat refund. Spend it wisely, Gemini. Remember – that refund isn’t a gift from the government. That’s your money that was taken from you and you should treat it as such. If you’re in a spending mood, I would like to suggest an investment that could make us both rich. Your good friend, Dr. Zodiac, has invented a piece of scientific equipment that allows communications directly with the starts – the Crystal Ouija Rune Board. If I can produce a slick prototype, I’m sure I can sell it to quality retailers such as Walmart and perhaps even Target. Send me a check, Gemini. You won’t regret it. Your lucky number this week is $10,000.

Cancer

Jun 22-Jul 22

I don’t know if this is a good StarCast or a bad one for you, Cancer. Big Star – the undisputed leader of the stars – tells me you will start a blog this week so as to share your opinions with the world. Good luck with that and remember to think of this site when you want to start sharing links with other opinionated types. Your lucky number this week is 30.

Leo

Jul 23-Aug 22

Oh, Leo! You are one lucky rascal this week. Why? Big Star (the undisputed leader of the stars) tells me you will find true love this week. If you’ve already found true love, I’m told you’ll consider it even truer this week. I, the mighty Dr. Zodiac, found true love years ago and wound up married. My wife keeps nagging me to get a real job. There’s a lesson in there somewhere, Leo, but I’m not quite sure what it is. Your lucky number this week is 2.

Virgo

Aug 23-Sep 22

Tell me if this phrase means something to you – the crow flies in square circles. I can’t make sense of that, but the stars assure me that phrase means something significant to you and is tied in with your StarCast this week. That seems sketchy to me, but what do I know? It’s your StarCast, after all. Your lucky number this week is ???.

Libra

Sep 23-Oct 23

Vinyl. That’s what I said – vinyl. As in record albums. You’ll start collecting them like crazy this week after you either find a record player or someone gives one to you. Be careful because those things can get expensive. Still, it’s a fun hobby so long as you don’t go nuts with it. If you have children, tormenting them with the music from your youth can be fun, so play it loud and enjoy. Your lucky number this week is 33 1/3.

Scorpio

Oct 24-Nov 21

Work will be a real problem this week. Why? Because you’ll get pestered with minor, nagging problems that will reduce your productivity to the point where you’ll get nothing meaningful done. You might as well stay home and watch television. Actually, that’s not a bad idea. Your lucky number this week is 82.

Sagittarius

Nov 22-Dec 21

Yes, it’s time for horseracing season and you’re convinced to place a bet or two. You’ll not be able to help yourself, but I want you to keep something in mind that might at least curb the amounts you wager – those things are rigged. Yes, every blasted one of them and those in the know are well aware of that. Want proof? Why are those cats set up outside the track selling tip sheets rather than being inside placing bets? Think about it. Your lucky number this week is exacta.

Capricorn

Dec 22-Jan 19

Regardless of how long you’ve owned that cell phone, you’ll keep getting calls for the previous owner of your number. Sadly, that previous owner owed a lot of money to a lot of different people and they will all hound you this week. Don’t fret. We all have to go through it. Your lucky number this week is 501.

Aquarius

Jan 20-Feb 18

The neighbor kid will annoy the heck out of you this week. Count on it. If he has a guitar, he’ll crank it up to 11 every single day. If he (or she) doesn’t have a guitar, you can still expect the nuisance to make plenty of racket. Don’t fret – kids make racket. They all do. Every single one of them. Get used to it. Your lucky number this week is 11.

Pisces

Feb 19-Mar 20

You will attempt to prove your wit by making up limericks all week long. That can be great fun for your friends as a good limerick is mighty entertaining. Bad ones, however, are awful. Proceed with caution, Pisces, and remember to avoid those forced rhymes. Your lucky number this week is 5.