Horoscope for the week of March 12

Dr. Zodiac – our resident mystic, soothsayer and all around swell guy – was almost late with this week’s horoscope because he was confused over daylight savings time.

Dr. Zodiac tells me that daylight savings time is actually part of the stars’ ongoing scheme to make us all miserable. While we’re dismayed over oversleeping and being late to work, being generally grouchy for a few weeks until the shock of switching over to daylight savings time, etc., seem terrible to us, the stars think its all pretty funny.

Hopefully, they’ll be too busy laughing at us to torment us too much over the next few days. Let’s see what the stars have in store for us this week, shall we?

Aries

Mar 21-Apr 19

Remember – St. Patrick’s Day isn’t one of those truly religious holidays that give you an excuse to celebrate it for about a week. Sober up and get to work, Aries. You can have your green beer on March 17 like any other American. Unless you’re Irish or Catholic, what are you doing getting so revved up over the holiday at all? Your lucky number this week is 17.

Taurus

Apr 20-May 20

Contrary to popular belief, the stars to have a sense of humor. They believe that Smokey and the Bandit is the finest movie made by humans. They think the proper noun “Uranus” is as funny as you do and believe the phrase “rings around Uranus” is even funnier. Now you know (and knowing is half the battle). Your lucky number this week is 7.

Gemini

May 21-Jun 21

Stop. Don’t do that thing that you’re thinking about doing this week? What thing? You know exactly what I’m talking about, Gemini, and you should be ashamed of yourself. Your mother raised you better than that. Now, you go sit in your room and think about the wrong you almost did. Your lucky number this week is 69.

Cancer

Jun 22-Jul 22

Just get ready – daylight savings time will throw you for a loop this week? You’ll be late for work at least once, you’ll stay up far too late at least twice and you’ll forget what day it is around Wednesday. The stars have decreed it. There’s nothing you can do about it. Just get ready. Your lucky number this week is +1.

Leo

Jul 23-Aug 22

It’s time to waste literally hours at work by playing on the Internet. You’ll look at pictures of cats saying funny things. You’ll watch videos on YouTube. You’ll generally be about as productive as Congress. It happens to the best of us. Just enjoy it and don’t let your boss find out, huh? Your lucky number this week is googol.

Virgo

Aug 23-Sep 22

The state lottery is a scam. That’s right – legalized fraud on the public. You will reach that conclusion only after spending every spare dime you have this week trying to win all that money. Consider it a lesson learned and thanks for doing your part to help keep my taxes low. Your lucky number this week is $1,000. 

Libra

Sep 23-Oct 23

Yes, those ASPCA commercials showing abused animals are sad, and that “In the Arms of the Doggy” song by Sarah McLachlan makes them even sadder. Still, starting up an animal shelter in your living room is a terrible idea and there’s probably a city ordinance against it. You’ve been warned. Your lucky number this week is K-9.

Scorpio

Oct 24-Nov 21

You’ll want to take up a new hobby this week. I’m serious and you’ll need to do it soon. Something that will take you out of the house. Away from the house and away from that telephone because, well, let’s just say the stars tell me you’ll get a phone call on your landline that you don’t want to receive. Might I suggest taking up tennis or purchasing a bicycle? Your lucky number this week is 867-5309.

Sagittarius

Nov 22-Dec 21

It’s about a month before tax time. I’m just reminding you. You remember that time you waited until the last minute to file? You don’t want that to happen again, do you? Your lucky number this week is W-2.

Capricorn

Dec 22-Jan 19

You’ll finally get sick of it this week. You know what I’m talking about – that song declaring that it’s the age of Aquarius. What about Capricorn? When does Capricorn get an age? Your jealousy will force you into action this week, but be careful – it’s very likely that Aquarius will whip you like a yard dog. Aquarius has an age, after all, and you don’t. Your lucky number this week is 13.

Aquarius

Jan 20-Feb 18

Be careful – Capricorn is gunning for you this week. Don’t worry – you can whip up on any Capricorn you know, but be very scared if a bunch of them decide to team up on you. All this rivalry is ugly, isn’t it? Your lucky number this week is 1.

Pisces

Feb 19-Mar 20

You can relax, Pisces. Why? You’ll finally realize the upcoming presidential elections don’t matter much. Obama? Gingrich? Romney? They’ll all be about as effective as Bugs Bunny. Actually, Bugs might be a better choice. At least he’s got a sense of humor and street smarts. Your lucky number this week is 11.