Horoscope for the week of April 2

Dr. Zodiac – our resident psychic, soothsayer and general purpose mystic – said the stars were too busy pulling April Fool’s Day gags on each other to give our fates for the coming week much consideration.

The good news is that the stars have come up with a bunch of vague, pitiful horoscopes that aren’t brimming with the specific miseries to which we’ve become accustomed. The bad news is that the horoscopes are all rather, well, lame.

Dr. Zodiac has taken those vague, lame forecasts and has criticized each one (his comments are in italics). Read on and you’ll see what he means. Maybe next week’s horoscope will be better.

Aries

Mar 21-Apr 19

This week, you will face several obstacles at work. Seriously? Who doesn’t face obstacles every single week at work? This forecast is worse than vague – it’s just plain lazy. Your lucky number this week is 678901.

 

Taurus

Apr 20-May 20

You will become reacquainted with someone from your past this week. Here’s another lazy one. Doesn’t that happen to virtually everyone in this Facebook-happy world? Good grief! Your lucky number this week is 309156.

Gemini

May 21-Jun 21

Don’t be afraid of change. Embrace it! Is this a forecast or a proverb? This is the kind of stuff you’d expect to find in a fortune cookie. Seriously, folks – the stars have let us down with this slop this week. They can do better. Your lucky number this week is 84124097655792.

Cancer

Jun 22-Jul 22

Negative people will try to discourage you this week. Don’t let them. Isn’t this pretty much true every single week? How about some specifics, stars? Why did y’all even bother this week? Your lucky number this week is 7094216.

Leo

Jul 23-Aug

You will find a program you very much like on television this week. You will watch it. Enjoy! Yes, there’s some life-changing advice, huh? And who could have foreseen that? Jeepers! Your lucky number this week is 812340.

Virgo

Aug 23-Sep 22

Don’t trust anyone named Frederick this week. Seriously. If you do, you’ll regret it. Now, that’s what I call a horoscope! While it is somewhat vague, it is specific enough to offer some useful advice. Good work on this one. Sadly, the stars didn’t put much time into the rest of them. Your lucky number this week is 5. 

Libra

Sep 23-Oct 23

Coffee is fine in moderation. If you drink too much, you should consider cutting back to, say, a cup or two a day. That’s just some general health advice. You can pick up this kind of slop anywhere. The stars have let you down, Libra. Your lucky number this week is 18.

Scorpio

Oct 24-Nov 21

Have you made out your shopping list this week? You should or you won’t know what to buy at the grocery store and wouldn’t that be unfortunate? I honestly don’t know where to begin here as there are so many things that are worthless about this alleged forecast. It’s obvious the stars simply aren’t trying this week. I would apologize for them, but this isn’t my fault. Your lucky number this week is 2785.

Sagittarius

Nov 22-Dec 21

Spring is here, so perhaps you should consider taking up a new hobby. Tennis, anyone? Yes, don’t you feel prepared for the week ahead now? While the stars are typically advising you of some calamity that is about to fall down on your head, you’re getting this kind of junk this week. Feel cheated? You should. Your lucky number this week is 30-15.

Capricorn

Dec 22-Jan 19

All of your friends hate you. While still vague, this is an improvement. If your friends really do hate you, it’s a good thing to know about it before something awful happens, huh? Your lucky number this week is 68109.

Aquarius

Jan 20-Feb 18

You once had a pet, but it died. You miss it. Well, there you go. You didn’t already know this, did you? The stars are driving me crazy with this kind of slop this week. Perhaps that’s the point. Your lucky number this week is 78190.

Pisces

Feb 19-Mar 20

Don’t feel bad. No one else got a decent forecast this week, either. And you didn’t get one at all, Pisces. Perhaps you are well within your rights to feel bad. Your lucky number this week is 40274.