Horoscope for the week of April 9

Dr. Zodiac – our resident psychic, soothsayer and general purpose mystic – is a bit late with the horoscope this week.

Why? He was busy on Easter as he had some relatives over for dinner. Here’s a little known fact – the good doctor can smoke a ham like nobody’s business. He’s got a proprietary formula of hickory, mesquite, apple wood and perhaps some cherry thrown in there (but, he’s not telling).

So, I’ll forgive him for being late. It’s not like I’m paying him, anyway. What’s in store for you this week? What kind of misery will the stars inflict on you? Will they be nice for a change? Find your astrological sign and read, read, read.

Aries

Mar 21-Apr 19

You’re reckless driving has become a problem, Aries. Yeah, I know – you’re invincible and can speed all over the place, can’t you? Here’s something to keep in mind – Jesus rose from the dead, but you won’t. Watch that speed as our time here is brief and you don’t want to make it any briefer, do you? Your lucky number this week is 55.

Taurus

Apr 20-May 20

Remember when you were a kid and you were convinced there was oil, gold or something else valuable buried in your yard? Well, it turns out you were right. It’s just too bad someone other than your family is going to enjoy all that hidden wealth. Your lucky number this week is 9.

Gemini

May 21-Jun 21

How much is that doggie in the window? The one with the waggly tail? More than you can afford, 'I’m afraid. Stick with mutts. They’re hardy, make great pets and need good homes. Your local shelter has plenty of them available, so take your pick. Your lucky number this week is 57.

Cancer

Jun 22-Jul 22

You will become convinced this week that Adam Sandler is the funniest man alive. Yes, you will rent everything from The Waterboy to Little Nicky and laugh so hard you’ll break all your furniture. Hey, things could be worse. You could become obsessed with someone dreadful. Your lucky number this week is 1966.

Leo

Jul 23-Aug

Did you ever have the feeling you were being watched? Sure you have, and you’ll have it again this week. Here’s the thing, though – you actually are being watched closely. Followed. Spied upon. Maybe even stalked. It might be a good idea to close the curtains and not leave your house. Your lucky number this week is 007.

Virgo

Aug 23-Sep 22

Yes, it’s tax time! You need to pay attention here – video game consoles and the games to go with them are almost never legitimate business expenses. Your lucky number this week is 2600. 

Libra

Sep 23-Oct 23

Gadzooks! Another tax-related forecast. Here’s some advice – make sure to carefully sort your legitimate expenses and file them away in an accordion binder under categories such as “business travel,” “medical,” etc. Then, take that folder, burn it and go live in the woods. It’s hard for the IRS to track you down if you have no address, isn’t it? Your lucky number this week is 1040.

Scorpio

Oct 24-Nov 21

You will feel compelled to spend your hard earned money collecting something completely worthless this week. It might be 8-track or cassette tapes. You might start buying every McDonald’s Happy Meal toy that you can find. Perhaps you’ll pick up a Magnavox Odyssey 2 and grab a bunch of games for it. Whatever it is – that thing you must collect – you’ll be out a lot of money that you’ll probably never get back when you sell that junk. Enjoy! Your lucky number this week is 25.

Sagittarius

Nov 22-Dec 21

For some odd reason, you will talk like Cobra Commander this week. You know – “hissing” through every word with an “s sound” (like “outssstanding, “sssivil ssservant,” “exssselent,” etc.) Strange. You will drive friends, family and coworkers nuts and you’ll deserve whatever they do to you in retaliation. Your lucky number this week is 66.

Capricorn

Dec 22-Jan 19

Remember – playing the state lottery is not a solid retirement plan. While there is the potential to win millions of dollars, it’s more likely that you’ll lose hundreds. Of course, the stock market isn’t much safer these days and banks pay practically no interest. Your best bet is to put your money in mason jars and bury them in your back yard. Let’s just hope you can remember them when you’re retirement age and your mind starts to go. Your lucky number this week is $600 million.

Aquarius

Jan 20-Feb 18

It’s too late to buy Girl Scouts cookies. You should have grabbed some when you had the chance. Oh, you figured you’d get around to it, but you never did. There’s always next year. Your lucky number this week is 3.

Pisces

Feb 19-Mar 20

The stars are insisting that beans and cornbread are perfect for you this week. I’m not sure what that means, but you’d best have at least one meal with beans and cornbread. If not, well I’m not sure what might happen. The stars can be vague, after all. Your lucky number this week is 13.