Dr. Zodiac – our resident psychic and proponent of Eastern mysticism – is back in action after a couple of years of trying to sell what he describes as the most significant tool for fortune telling in the history of that entire
I speak, of course, of the Crystal Ouija Rune Board – the device that Dr. Zodiac uses to communicate directly with The Stars so that he can convey what cruelty and/or good fortune they have in store for you. Dr. Zodiac has spent the past few years trying to sell the device to retailers and through informercials but, alas, has been unsuccessful.
Regardless, he now has some time on his hands and has agreed to put together a monthly horoscope for the two or three people who actually read this blog. So, here we go – the first horoscope in about five years from the intrepid Dr. Zodiac!
March 21-April 19
Think you’re pretty cool, don’t you, Aries? Well, The Stars say different. In fact, The Stars have one question for you. Jesus was the son of God, performed a number of miracles including totally walking on water and he rose from the dead. What have you done lately, Aries? Yeah. That’s what I though. Your lucky number this month is a big, fat 0.
April 20-May 20
Spring is in the air but, alas, not for you. That can be good news for you, Taurus as you can take this time of not being loved to develop some new hobbies. Heck, why not develop a new skill? Why not purchase a copy of my famous Crystal Ouija Rune Board and learn to talk to The Stars just like your good friend Dr. Zodiac? Perhaps you could ask The Stars themselves why you are so unloved. Your lucky number this month is 1 (the loneliest number).
May 21-June 20
Good news, Gemini! The Stars tell me that April will be a great month for you. Want money? You’ll have it. Want popularity? Done. Want love? They’ll be calling you Dr. Love, Gemini! Why, April will be so awesome that it might just make up for the miserable March you had. February wasn’t so great, either, come to think of it. And January… Well, at least April will be awesome. Your lucky number this month is something in the millions, you fortunate thing.
June 21-July 22
Want to talk about irony? Your medical doctor will diagnose you as having terminal cancer. Terrifying, huh? Well, relax, Cancer – The Stars tell me that the diagnosis will be false and you will have a great malpractice case against your doctor after you run around like an idiot doing all those things you wanted to do before running out of time (spending all of your money on various things, telling your boss what you really think about him, etc.) As far as fortunes go, then, this one isn’t half bad. Your lucky number this month is 40 percent.
July 23-August 22
In the jungle – the mighty jungle – the lion might sleep tonight. Sadly, Leo, you won’t sleep well for the entire month of April. Yes, The Stars tell me that you will be stricken with a severe case of insomnia. It won’t be so bad, though. You will just have trouble driving, concentrating, holding down your job, paying attention to your loved ones, etc. Just think how great it will be when May arrives and you can sleep again. Bliss! Your lucky number this month is zzzzzzz.
August 23-September 22
A shovel, a pinstripe suit, a pair of sandals, a chicken, a Porsche 944, a DVD copy of Smokey and the Bandit and a vintage copy of the Rubber Soul LP by the Beatles. What do all these have in common? Figure that out and you will know your fortune for April, Virgo. Yes, The Stars can be cryptic. Your lucky number this month is ???.
September 23-October 22
You will become obsessed this month with farming. Why? Only The Stars know that, but farm you will. Will you wind up with a small garden or go insane like Oliver Wendell Douglas from Green Acres and move to a farming community to pursue your obsession? That depends on how much self control you have, pilgrim. Good luck. Your lucky number this month is 7 (you know, like Sevin Dust. Get it? Get it?)
October 23-November 21
Uh-oh. Now you went and did it, Scorpio. You know exactly what I’m talking about, don’t you? Oh, you want me to remind you? You want me tell everyone? OK, then – here it goes. You decided last month that The Stars don’t control your future. Think they didn’t here you? You are totally wrong, Scorpio. The Stars heard you loud and clear and they are furious. I wouldn’t be in your shoes for all the tea in China. It might be best to just stay inside your house all month. Your lucky number this month is N/A.
November 22-December 21
Remember last month when Scorpio was going around claiming The Stars had no control over his destiny and blah, blah, blah? You told Scorpio you didn’t think that was quite right and that turned out to be the right move. As it happens, The Stars heard you and they have decided to reward you. You won’t be rewarded handsomely, of course, but expect April to be a little bit better than your typical month. Your lucky number this month is 3.
December 22-January 19
Uh-oh. Yikes. Uh, I’ve got some bad news for you, Capricorn. You’ve got some evil headed your way this month. How bad will it get? Read the Book of Job to get an idea. Of course, God gave back Job pretty much everything he lost when it was all said and done, but will you be that lucky? I wouldn’t count on it. Good luck, ace. Your lucky number this month is 666.
January 20-February 18
You’ve been thinking about a new career lately and it’s a good idea to pursue it. A really good idea, in fact. I would start doing that immediately. I don’t know how to tell you this, but The Stars have observed that things haven’t been going well for you at work lately and you will soon be shown the door. So, strike first Aquarius! Your lucky number this month is 940.
February 19-March 20
Remember that homeless guy you gave $5 to a couple of months ago? That felt pretty good, didn’t it? Well, guess what – that homeless guy was in the shape he was in because The Stars wanted him to suffer. You gave him a bit of relief from that suffering, so the stars will now make you pay for that. Expect this month to be a bad one. Your lucky number this month is May 1.