Saturday, August 23, 2008

Sick of Obama and McCain? The Hawg's got the solution!

With the announcement of Joe Biden as Obama's running mate, it appears the Democrats are finding ways to lose another election.

Yes, watching the Democrats try to win a presidential election has been funny since Clinton left office. If they've got a good shot at winning, they'll find a way to blow it almost every time. When half the nation hated George Bush and it looked like the 2004 election was in the bag for the Dems, they dragged up someone who people hated even more than Bush -- John "Horse Face" Kerry.

This year, people still hate Bush. John McCain has reacted to that hatred by sounding a lot like the very president that is almost Carter-like in his ability to get people to make people angry whenever his name is mentioned. Rather than capitalize on an opportunity, the Democrats have been working overtime on dodging victory once again. Yes, Obama hasn't damaged himself enough by lacking the ability to hold an opinion for more than five second and surrounding himself with maniacs. Apparently, he needed to throw up a couple more barriers between himself and the White House.

That's where Joe Biden comes in. Voters are clamoring for change, so why not bring in one of the biggest political insiders on the planet to run with Obama? Yes, people just love the way business is done in Washington these days, so go ahead and chain that "candidate for change" to a man who is a longtime member of a Senate that has an approval rating that is actually worse than Bush's. In a year when people hate political insiders, let's dredge up an old fossil of a running mate who doesn't know what a real job is like because he's been in the Senate since 1973. Good going, Obama!

Of course, Biden has spent a lot of time talking about how Obama just couldn't cut it as the president. Changed your tune, Joey?

The whole mess is just laughable. Obama would have done better if he picked a monkey wearing a necktie to be his running mate. But, no, Obama chose Hothead Biden in an apparent attempt to simply hand the election to McCain. I'm a marginal Republican, so that's fine with me.

Things aren't much better in the McCain camp, of course. Johnny looks like he's sucking on a lemon most of the time these days and is coming across as an older, grumpier Bush rather than the maverick that the Bush campaign did its best to destroy in the 2000 primaries.

I'm sick of the junk candidates both parties have been foisting on the public since Saint Reagan left office, actually. I doubt I'm alone. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing time and time again and expecting different results, then we're a nation full of lunatics. Here's the problem -- neither the Democrats nor the Republicans give a damn about you, me or the family next door.

We've been given the privilege, essentially, of picking which pimp gets to whore us out for the glory of his damned political party for the past 20 years. The result of all this has been that a few people have gotten very rich while the economy is a mess, gas prices are miserable and the damned Belgians went and bought Anheuser-Busch (that still bothers the hell out me). We've losing our manufacturing to the Red Chinese, we're stuck in a war that nobody wants (and the government seems hell bent of losing), taxes are ridiculous and you can't swing a dead cat without hitting some representative of the federal government (how's that for liberty, kids?)

Ah, but I've got the solution. You want some real change? Don't count on the Republicans or the Democrats because they're responsible for the mess we're in and we can only expect things to go further downhill with the goofs they want to put in office -- Obama and McCain are both more interested in representing their parties than the nation. That's a miserable condition as it's pretty clear that what's good for the Democrats or Republicans doesn't have a whole lot to do with what's best for the nation.

So, we ought to start working of sending the Republicans and the Democrats on the scrapheap along with the Federalists and the Whigs. That's right. Get rid of both of them. Look the Kaiser straight in the monocle and say, "Nein!" Start that process of getting rid of those rascals with a viable third party. And, no, we're not talking about the regulation-loving Green Party or the amazingly appealing yet ineffective Libertarians, either.

No, start something new that makes a clear break from the past -- call in the Democrats and Republicans Need Not Apply Party, the American Party or something equally snazzy. Gear up for a 2012 presidential run by selecting a candidate that isn't running loose in the government already (we want change, remember?), isn't a lawyer (we've got enough of those screwing up things already) and isn't tied to closely to the Democrats or Republicans. And we're looking primarily at moderates and marginal conservatives, too, simply because I'm the one fantasizing here and I've hated the screeching and hand-wringing from the hard left since I had to put up with those depressing sissies in college.

Also, pick a candidate that is (dare I say it?) a celebrity that people already love. Why? If you're going to establish a new party, you need to have it represented by someone familiar. So, grab a celebrity, but make it a bright one who can grasp the importance of not siding with Republicans or Democrats.

So, here are a few suggested candidates.

1. John Elway. That's right. He's Super Bowl MVP and a member of both the Pro Football Hall of Fame and the College Football Hall of Fame. So he's got that going for him, and he was the charismatic leader of God's favorite football team, the Denver Broncos.

So, he's a jock but a bright one by all accounts. He's owned and run several businesses, including car dealerships, restaurants and and the Colorado Crush, an Arena Football League team. Elway's visited with troops in Iraq and has contributed to a Republican candidate or two -- he's shown some interest in politics, but not enough to jump in and run for anything.

Ah, but there's been speculation that the great Elway does have political aspirations, and here's his shot. Yes, he could be the leader of a new political movement in that he's smart enough, popular enough and is a guy that people tend to love. Want to get people behind a new party? A Super Bowl MVP who can work a room would be a great candidate.

2. Alton Brown. That's right -- the star of Good Eats and the commentator for Iron Chef America, both on the Food Network. Brown was sharp enough to figure out that cooking shows weren't that much fun and had the ambition to go create something that would be a hoot. Thus, Good Eats was born and has grown into a heck of a great show, thanks to Alton's wit and ability to make the history of how certain dishes developed dandy fun.

All of that takes some brains, folks, and more than a bit of unconventional thinking. Here's a guy who's sharp enough to figure out whatever issue is thrown at him, detached enough from politics to not fall back on the party line and likable enough to rally voters behind him.

Besides, having an ace cook thrill foreign officials by whipping up some dandy meals for them is always a bonus. I'd vote for this guy in a heartbeat and, truth be told, the Elway-Brown ticket represents my dream team of sorts for a run at the presidency.

3. Patricia Heaton. That's right -- the co-star of Everybody Loves Raymond and the criminally overlooked Back to You. A couple of months ago I was reading some piece of crap in which the author had a theory that Hillary Clinton lost to Obama because men felt threatened because she's a successful woman and stay at home moms "who couldn't cut it in the workplace" were jealous of her.

The fact that Clinton is a raging bitch with the ethics of a garter snake, apparently, had nothing to do to with her losing to Obama.

At any rate, Heaton would make a great candidate who already has some experience in social advocacy and the political realm. Besides, her beliefs tend to be fairly uniform and logical, which is something that we're not used to in candidates from either party. For example, she's pro-life all the way, meaning she's against abortion, euthanasia and the death penalty (being pro-abortion and against the death penalty has always seemed marvelously inconsistent to me and vice versa).

Additionally, she's pretty sharp and has managed to stay married and raise five kids in spite of the weirdness that passes for normalcy in Hollywood. That ought to count for something.

4. Mr. T. Yeah, you go right ahead an laugh and make your "I pity the fool" joke now, but I'd feel better with Mr. T in office than either of these clods we've got running right now.

Why Mr. T? Why not? He's been a great social advocate who is as sincere as the day is long. He's a born again Christian who has the wacky notion that he has been called to "walk the walk," as it were. Remember Hurricane Katrina? Mr. T's donations of cash, clothing and whatever else was needed by victims of that 2005 disaster were sure appreciated and, hey, he was helping long before the federal government could figure out that a hurricane was and that, like, something ought to be done about it.

Folks, that shows a remarkable ability to identify a problem quickly and do what's necessary to solve it. He whipped the socks off the feds on that one and the ability to make quick decisions that actually help people in trouble is sorely needed in Washington.

Besides, Mr. T drove the van on The A-Team. Cool!

5. George Lopez. Here's a true rags-to-riches story. Lopez was abandoned by his mother and raised by his factory-working grandmother. While that's often a recipe for breeding criminal defendants, Lopez built a career on seeing the humor in his childhood, sharing it with people and entertaining the heck out of a nation. Good for him.

And, yes, he's actually involved in helping make the world a better place. He's known for giving back to his community and has even been recognized by Harvard for his charitable work. Lopez is all about identifying problems and doing what he can to solve them. Washington's solution to problems? Form a commission to study them (and pay them with tax dollars), review some recommendations through committee meetings (paid for with tax dollars), choose some programs (paid for with tax dollars) and implement those programs. If the programs don't work, just dump more money (tax dollars) in them and repeat until an angry, impoverished citizenry descends on Washington with hunting rifles.

And, Lopez got in a feud with Jay Leno. He gets bonus points there. Leno sucks.


You just go right ahead and laugh at my true candidates for change, but ask yourself one question -- could any of these people be worth than the goons running for president right now? Honestly? That's what I thought.

This is only half serious, of course, but think about this. Thomas Jefferson said one of the great things about the system of government he and the Founding Fathers put in place is that it thrives on peaceful revolution. Don't like the current government? Tear it down, scrap it and start again. We've reached that point where it's time to pull out the brooms and dustpans, folks.


I'm not the only one who's mad about the current state of affairs. Head on out to A Bumpy Path to hear a dismayed Theresa's take on the sad state of the upcoming election.


Da Old Man said...

Hawg, you are 100% correct. Time to get rid of career politicians. I like the idea of a 3rd or even a 4th party with a presence in Congress.
I'd like to throw one more name into the group for President. Chris Rock is a family oriented man who came from a hard working family. He seems to have a sense of right and wrong. And he does have some background in social issues. His wife runs a charity that gets women back to work and off welfare.

The Natural State Hawg said...

da old man:

I could live with Chris Rock. Heck, I even like the idea.

See? There's some thinking that gets us away from the same old same old that quit working around 1988.

Time for a change, and the Democrats and Republicans aren't providing it.

lot 2 learn said...

I wish John Wayne was still available, but I think I could get behind Alton Brown. I also agree that Biden was an excellent choice

The Natural State Hawg said...

lot 2 learn:

Yes, Biden was an excellent choice, indeed. McCain couldn't have chosen a better running mate for his opponent.

Alton Brown's great, but I do agree with you -- too bad John Wayne's not around...

Theresa said...

Shoot me if you want and I will deny I said it, but I think Bill Gates would make a better man for the job than the two we have to vote for this time. Things sure would be different, wouldn't they.

Angi said...

"I'm sick of the junk candidates both parties have been foisting on the public since Saint Reagan left office, actually. I doubt I'm alone." are not alone!

And I would totally vote for Alton Brown. ;)

The Natural State Hawg said...


I won't shoot you for you've always been nice to me.

Having said that, I can't stand Bill Gates. I think I'm just biased because I spent sometime between the release of DOS 4.0 and Windows XP cursing Microsoft.

Regardless, I'd rather have him running than the two "winners" we've got trying to buy the office right now.

So, I guess I kindamaybesorta agree with you.

The Natural State Hawg said...


Alton Brown's emerging as the strong candidate, yeah?

I just like the guy. That Good Eats show is a hoot.

Elle said...

Yeah, I'm totally with the Alton Brown choice -- let's write him in, whadddayathink?

Beth said...

I'm sure not laughing, I love your choices for candidates. I'd vote for any of them in a heartbeat.

Alton Brown is an intriguing choice. He comes off as a little authoritarian, but he's not afraid to let his intelligence and know-how shine, making him a good choice for an effective leader. Think we can get a Brown/Mr. T ticket for 2012? :)

Jude said...

I can't believe I actually read your whole post because my attention span is usually very short. I found this post to be very witty and entertaining and actually your choices are good ones. There really hasn't been much to choose from on either side for a very long time and as far as I'm concerned one is definitely as bad as the other so why bother? I know that's not the right attitude to have but they both suck.

The Natural State Hawg said...

elle -- there seems to be a lot of support coming up for Alton Brown. He'd be a great choice, indeed. Let's all write him in.

beth -- I'm all for an Alton Brown/Mr. T ticket. My preference is for a John Elway/Alton Brown ticket with the rest I mentioned with key Cabinet positions. But, hey, I'm flexible...

jude -- Oddly enough, I'm still a proponent of voting. I hold a bachelor's in political science, so I still cling to the arguably naive notion that participating in the democratic process is important. So, I'll go out in November, hold my nose and vote for McCain. Still, neither choice is that great.

Thanks for sticking around through the whole diatribe.

Laura said...

Great post - made me laugh out loud. :) I love the Elway/Brown or Brown/Elway ticket. These old (and in Obama's case - new) Washington diehards can't or won't make the changes that need to be made in this country. That's all we need is a bunch of former Senators running this country. They can't even do a good job in the Senate for pete's sake! said...

My grandfather once said, "If you don't vote, then you can't complain." I've voted Republican since I was eligible at the age of eighteen.

However, these days, there's not a dime worth of difference between the Democrats and the Republicans.

All they want to do is grow the government. Ronald Reagan once said, "Government is not the solution. Government is the problem."

Just get the government bureaucracy out of the way, and let American ingenuity and productivity get us back to the great nation we once were.

Yes, we still are the greatest nation on earth. But we could be so much better if these two parties would stop giving us idiots to vote for.

Paul Eilers
Conway, Arkansas

JD at I Do Things said...

"Change your tune, Joey?"

I imagined this to be said in a Bette Davis-type voice, complete with sneer.

I kind of like Biden (runs and ducks), but I'd prefer Alton Brown.

Great post. Usually I can't stand anything remotely political, but you make politics fun! (Nice Entrecard, too!)

JD at I Do Things

The Mad Celt said...

Saint Reagan? The were never a farmer were ya?

Hillbilly Willy said...

Willy says go Hawg- How about nominating Frank Broyles - he surely still has a few good years in him. And heck - he is older than John McCain - so surely he has the experience-

Just an Arkansas Joke!

Go Hogs - 2 weeks.

10-4 Willy

Marci Nobles said...

I have another good one, A good ole southern woman. I think Paula Deen would make a great president. Not just because I love Paula, (she's my hero). But because a true southern woman doesn't take crap from anybody, and can build something out of nothing. Though I won't say our country is nothing, it does need to be shaped up a little bit, and Congress needs to be straightened out, and I think she could do it. An Iron skillet upside some heads might just knock some sense into them.
So I think a Paula Deen / Alton Brown ticket would be just the thing. I can never vote for John Elway, just because he played for the Broncos...

The Natural State Hawg said...

Laura -- My, but the affection for Alton Brown out there is pretty strong, huh? And you put your finger right on the problem -- the Senate is a mess, so why on earth do we think that senators can solve the problems we have? Time for a change, yeah?

Paul -- another Reagan fan! That always moves someone up a few notches in my estimation. He was exactly right -- get the government out of the way and let American ingenuity take hold. This nation was built on such rugged individualism and we could certainly use some of that right about now.

And, yes, I still go out and vote in every election. I've reached a similar conclusion to yours in that the Republicans have gotten a lot like Democrats since the Reagan days. Republicans use to stand for lower taxes and limited government. That's all changed over the years and it's just sad.

JD -- of course, there are some that do like Biden. Heck there are some who like Obama, McCain and will like whoever McCain chooses for a running mate. No need to duck -- America ought to be about the free exchange of ideas, so please feel free to share your opinion over here anytime you feel like it. Heck, I encourage such exchanges.

Still, Obama, Biden and McCain all seem to represent the problem rather than the solution in my estimation. I'd love an outsider without any strong ties to either of the major political parties right now. They've made a mess of things and I have absolutely no confidence that they'll clean it up.

The Mad Celt -- Clint Eastwood as president? I love it, although the "cowboy" image the U.S. has would linger. But, hell, since when did we give a damn what anyone else thought? Having a president who is a bit of an egoist when it comes to the U.S. isn't such a bad thing. Yes, that runs counter to Obama's "please like us" stance, but there's nothing wrong with acting in the naked self interest of the nation if you happen to be the president of it.

No, I never was a farmer and I'm well familiar with the way farming took a beating in the 1980s. My question is this -- is deregulation or massive subsidies better? I'm not really sure.

Hillbilly Willy -- Frank Broyles, huh? the way that man wheels and deals, we'd own Mexico, Canada and Japan before his first term ended.

Marci -- After over nine years of marriage, you're still an anti-Broncite? I've failed you as a husband. Perhaps it's my fault that you can't recognize the greatness of either John Elway or the Broncos.

Do you know why you have all those teams in the NFL? Because Denver needs someone to play.

As for Paula Deen, why not? I'd vote for her in spite of the fact that my growing waistline is due, in part, to those recipes she's provided you over the years.

Bits-n-Pieces said...

I'd vote for Elway or problem! (as long as Alton didn't pick "The Chairman" from Iron Chef to be his running mate...that guy creeps me out!! *shivers*)

good blog!! I loved it!

The Natural State Hawg said...


Glad you enjoyed it. I kind of like "The Chairman," but I could see how he might make someone a bit uncomfortable. Anyone who goes that crazy over food has to have a screw loose, right?

Waterrose said...

Well it doesn't just end with the President...I'm for throwing out all of the politicians and starting completely over again. That's the only way you are going to lose all the ties to the big corporations and other "movers and shakers."

Thanks for stopping by ...yep a Lisa and when I decided to sell it I made as much from it as I paid for it. Very good investment. ;)

The Natural State Hawg said...


I remember the Lisa well. Saw one in the Apple store in Little Rock shortly after they came out. I was amazed because that OS was just revolutionary, particularly to those of us who were used to memorizing commands, manually building file structures and etc. I'm not surprised you got your money back. Heck, you probably wish you still had it because it would be worth a lot today.

The same is not true of my IBM-PC, I'm sure.

Throwing everyone from both parties is a good idea. I just think the whole process would be quicker if we started from the top -- most people kind of like their congressmen, after all. They hate everyone else's, but they like theirs. Odd.

mcangeli said...

I'd vote for heaton or Lopez... maybe a Heaton/Lopez ticket. that way they'd take the female and latino vote.... it'd be a sure win.

The Natural State Hawg said...


If nothing else, we'd have the funniest White House in the nation's history. Those two are a hoot. Very good citizens, too.

So, let's get to work on those bumper stickers and create some buzz, yeah?

Barry said...

This is an excellent idea. What is scary is that I agree with you on your choices of candidates. I may would add Wayne Newton, who I did not like until I saw him playing solo gigs for the troops.

The Natural State Hawg said...


You know, I could go for four years of easy crooning and a laid-back political atmosphere. Wayne Newton may not be bad, at that.

What is fascinating to me is that, in this country, we seem to idolize the least deserving celebrities (i.e., the Paris Hilton's and Brittney Spears' of the world) and rather ignore the positive contributions made by others.

Hence my list of folks who are both famous and have actually made positive contributions.

Lisha said...

I wish John Wayne was still available, but I think I could get behind Alton Brown. I also agree that Biden was an excellent choice

The Natural State Hawg said...


There are a lot of people out there who to think Biden was a good choice. However, I'd be willing to bet there are a lot of people who think McCain, Obama and Biden all stink. They'll probably dislike McCain's running mate, too.

There are a lot of people who feel disenfranchised these days. I'm one of them.