Sick of Obama and McCain? The Hawg's got the solution!

With the announcement of Joe Biden as Obama's running mate, it appears the Democrats are finding ways to lose another election.

Yes, watching the Democrats try to win a presidential election has been funny since Clinton left office. If they've got a good shot at winning, they'll find a way to blow it almost every time. When half the nation hated George Bush and it looked like the 2004 election was in the bag for the Dems, they dragged up someone who people hated even more than Bush -- John "Horse Face" Kerry.

This year, people still hate Bush. John McCain has reacted to that hatred by sounding a lot like the very president that is almost Carter-like in his ability to get people to make people angry whenever his name is mentioned. Rather than capitalize on an opportunity, the Democrats have been working overtime on dodging victory once again. Yes, Obama hasn't damaged himself enough by lacking the ability to hold an opinion for more than five second and surrounding himself with maniacs. Apparently, he needed to throw up a couple more barriers between himself and the White House.

That's where Joe Biden comes in. Voters are clamoring for change, so why not bring in one of the biggest political insiders on the planet to run with Obama? Yes, people just love the way business is done in Washington these days, so go ahead and chain that "candidate for change" to a man who is a longtime member of a Senate that has an approval rating that is actually worse than Bush's. In a year when people hate political insiders, let's dredge up an old fossil of a running mate who doesn't know what a real job is like because he's been in the Senate since 1973. Good going, Obama!

Of course, Biden has spent a lot of time talking about how Obama just couldn't cut it as the president. Changed your tune, Joey?

The whole mess is just laughable. Obama would have done better if he picked a monkey wearing a necktie to be his running mate. But, no, Obama chose Hothead Biden in an apparent attempt to simply hand the election to McCain. I'm a marginal Republican, so that's fine with me.

Things aren't much better in the McCain camp, of course. Johnny looks like he's sucking on a lemon most of the time these days and is coming across as an older, grumpier Bush rather than the maverick that the Bush campaign did its best to destroy in the 2000 primaries.

I'm sick of the junk candidates both parties have been foisting on the public since Saint Reagan left office, actually. I doubt I'm alone. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing time and time again and expecting different results, then we're a nation full of lunatics. Here's the problem -- neither the Democrats nor the Republicans give a damn about you, me or the family next door.

We've been given the privilege, essentially, of picking which pimp gets to whore us out for the glory of his damned political party for the past 20 years. The result of all this has been that a few people have gotten very rich while the economy is a mess, gas prices are miserable and the damned Belgians went and bought Anheuser-Busch (that still bothers the hell out me). We've losing our manufacturing to the Red Chinese, we're stuck in a war that nobody wants (and the government seems hell bent of losing), taxes are ridiculous and you can't swing a dead cat without hitting some representative of the federal government (how's that for liberty, kids?)

Ah, but I've got the solution. You want some real change? Don't count on the Republicans or the Democrats because they're responsible for the mess we're in and we can only expect things to go further downhill with the goofs they want to put in office -- Obama and McCain are both more interested in representing their parties than the nation. That's a miserable condition as it's pretty clear that what's good for the Democrats or Republicans doesn't have a whole lot to do with what's best for the nation.

So, we ought to start working of sending the Republicans and the Democrats on the scrapheap along with the Federalists and the Whigs. That's right. Get rid of both of them. Look the Kaiser straight in the monocle and say, "Nein!" Start that process of getting rid of those rascals with a viable third party. And, no, we're not talking about the regulation-loving Green Party or the amazingly appealing yet ineffective Libertarians, either.

No, start something new that makes a clear break from the past -- call in the Democrats and Republicans Need Not Apply Party, the American Party or something equally snazzy. Gear up for a 2012 presidential run by selecting a candidate that isn't running loose in the government already (we want change, remember?), isn't a lawyer (we've got enough of those screwing up things already) and isn't tied to closely to the Democrats or Republicans. And we're looking primarily at moderates and marginal conservatives, too, simply because I'm the one fantasizing here and I've hated the screeching and hand-wringing from the hard left since I had to put up with those depressing sissies in college.

Also, pick a candidate that is (dare I say it?) a celebrity that people already love. Why? If you're going to establish a new party, you need to have it represented by someone familiar. So, grab a celebrity, but make it a bright one who can grasp the importance of not siding with Republicans or Democrats.

So, here are a few suggested candidates.

1. John Elway. That's right. He's Super Bowl MVP and a member of both the Pro Football Hall of Fame and the College Football Hall of Fame. So he's got that going for him, and he was the charismatic leader of God's favorite football team, the Denver Broncos.

So, he's a jock but a bright one by all accounts. He's owned and run several businesses, including car dealerships, restaurants and and the Colorado Crush, an Arena Football League team. Elway's visited with troops in Iraq and has contributed to a Republican candidate or two -- he's shown some interest in politics, but not enough to jump in and run for anything.

Ah, but there's been speculation that the great Elway does have political aspirations, and here's his shot. Yes, he could be the leader of a new political movement in that he's smart enough, popular enough and is a guy that people tend to love. Want to get people behind a new party? A Super Bowl MVP who can work a room would be a great candidate.

2. Alton Brown. That's right -- the star of Good Eats and the commentator for Iron Chef America, both on the Food Network. Brown was sharp enough to figure out that cooking shows weren't that much fun and had the ambition to go create something that would be a hoot. Thus, Good Eats was born and has grown into a heck of a great show, thanks to Alton's wit and ability to make the history of how certain dishes developed dandy fun.

All of that takes some brains, folks, and more than a bit of unconventional thinking. Here's a guy who's sharp enough to figure out whatever issue is thrown at him, detached enough from politics to not fall back on the party line and likable enough to rally voters behind him.

Besides, having an ace cook thrill foreign officials by whipping up some dandy meals for them is always a bonus. I'd vote for this guy in a heartbeat and, truth be told, the Elway-Brown ticket represents my dream team of sorts for a run at the presidency.

3. Patricia Heaton. That's right -- the co-star of Everybody Loves Raymond and the criminally overlooked Back to You. A couple of months ago I was reading some piece of crap in which the author had a theory that Hillary Clinton lost to Obama because men felt threatened because she's a successful woman and stay at home moms "who couldn't cut it in the workplace" were jealous of her.

The fact that Clinton is a raging bitch with the ethics of a garter snake, apparently, had nothing to do to with her losing to Obama.

At any rate, Heaton would make a great candidate who already has some experience in social advocacy and the political realm. Besides, her beliefs tend to be fairly uniform and logical, which is something that we're not used to in candidates from either party. For example, she's pro-life all the way, meaning she's against abortion, euthanasia and the death penalty (being pro-abortion and against the death penalty has always seemed marvelously inconsistent to me and vice versa).

Additionally, she's pretty sharp and has managed to stay married and raise five kids in spite of the weirdness that passes for normalcy in Hollywood. That ought to count for something.

4. Mr. T. Yeah, you go right ahead an laugh and make your "I pity the fool" joke now, but I'd feel better with Mr. T in office than either of these clods we've got running right now.

Why Mr. T? Why not? He's been a great social advocate who is as sincere as the day is long. He's a born again Christian who has the wacky notion that he has been called to "walk the walk," as it were. Remember Hurricane Katrina? Mr. T's donations of cash, clothing and whatever else was needed by victims of that 2005 disaster were sure appreciated and, hey, he was helping long before the federal government could figure out that a hurricane was and that, like, something ought to be done about it.

Folks, that shows a remarkable ability to identify a problem quickly and do what's necessary to solve it. He whipped the socks off the feds on that one and the ability to make quick decisions that actually help people in trouble is sorely needed in Washington.

Besides, Mr. T drove the van on The A-Team. Cool!

5. George Lopez. Here's a true rags-to-riches story. Lopez was abandoned by his mother and raised by his factory-working grandmother. While that's often a recipe for breeding criminal defendants, Lopez built a career on seeing the humor in his childhood, sharing it with people and entertaining the heck out of a nation. Good for him.

And, yes, he's actually involved in helping make the world a better place. He's known for giving back to his community and has even been recognized by Harvard for his charitable work. Lopez is all about identifying problems and doing what he can to solve them. Washington's solution to problems? Form a commission to study them (and pay them with tax dollars), review some recommendations through committee meetings (paid for with tax dollars), choose some programs (paid for with tax dollars) and implement those programs. If the programs don't work, just dump more money (tax dollars) in them and repeat until an angry, impoverished citizenry descends on Washington with hunting rifles.

And, Lopez got in a feud with Jay Leno. He gets bonus points there. Leno sucks.

Conclusion

You just go right ahead and laugh at my true candidates for change, but ask yourself one question -- could any of these people be worth than the goons running for president right now? Honestly? That's what I thought.

This is only half serious, of course, but think about this. Thomas Jefferson said one of the great things about the system of government he and the Founding Fathers put in place is that it thrives on peaceful revolution. Don't like the current government? Tear it down, scrap it and start again. We've reached that point where it's time to pull out the brooms and dustpans, folks.

Update!

I'm not the only one who's mad about the current state of affairs. Head on out to A Bumpy Path to hear a dismayed Theresa's take on the sad state of the upcoming election.