Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Superheroes that didn't make it

My but this summer has been stuffed with superhero films, hasn't it?

That genre, in fact, has been booming for the past few years. Everyone from Bat Man to Spider-Man to the X-Men has been cashing in on America's love of superheroes.

Ah, but we only get to see the exploits of successful heroes. What about those costumed crime fighters that failed utterly? You don't hear anything about them, do you?

So, my loyal reader, I submit to you a list of superheroes that didn't make it. Or, at least, a list of the most reprehensible superheroes I could dream up while bored. At any rate, here it is:


Achtung, evildoers! It's ReichStar, the master race mauler, and he's setting crime back 1,000 years!

Superpowers: The strength of 10 men, thanks to being the product of rigid racial purity; highly disciplined; slavishly obedient to The Leader

Weaknesses: Waning enthusiasm when out of contact with The Leader for long periods of time; heavily inbred, thus prone to disease

Enemies: All but a chosen few

Super Weasel Lawyer Team®

Evil may object when up against the fury of the Super Weasel Lawyer Team®, but it will be overruled every time. And what is evil? That all depends -- what's most profitable to fight?

Superpowers: SuperKwik Suing, RapidFire Objecting and advanced fee inflation techniques. Also, each member slogged through case after case in law school and managed to pass the bar exam, so they are, like, way smart.

Weaknesses: They aren't as smart as they think. Also, grow weak in the face of tort reform and personal responsibility.

Primary Enemy: The Masked Tortfeasor

Kap'n Klan

Here's a hero that died right out of the gate, leaving little behind but the promo that preceded the release of the sole issue of the comic:

"Kareful, Kiddies! It's Kap'n Klan! Be on notice, darky -- Kap'n Klan is the hero for whites only, just like that drinking fountain over there! Look for the Adventures of Kap'n Klan this fall, only from Krossburn Komics!"

Enemies: A better question might be, who isn't the enemy of Kap'n Klan? White folks, and only a few of those. However, the primary enemy is the Darky Knight, a character with the incendiary catch phrase, "Where are all the white women at?"

Weaknesses: The cowardice that plagues men like Kap'n Klan; free thought; logic


Here's how wacky Adsense is. After I posted this, Google fed my little Adsense widget a bunch of ads for attorneys. That's what I call comedy! Yes, rush right on out and hire the Super Weasel Lawyer Team® today!


emzpie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
emzpie said...

Thanks,I get the point, I understand what you mean,..No big deal...eheehh.Lets just laugh..Actually, I wanted to erase that post,but i cant...Im guilt...lolz

The Natural State Hawg said...

Glad we got that straightened out, then!

Ah, and the all-powerful blog administrator can erase the comment ;)

And, so he has.

Take care!

emzpie said...

yes,,,u can..accept my apology if i did something wrong...

FishHawk said...

Methinks that the lovely Ms. Marci may have left the lid off of the corn souring barrel, and the Hawg has foundered.

The Mad Celt said...

Too funny!

The Natural State Hawg said...


You've done nothing wrong at all! Open dialog is good -- removes misunderstandings.

Take care and come back often!

The Natural State Hawg said...


Well, we were shucking some fresh corn from Dumas the other night, but none of it has fermented. I just had a particularly rotten day at work -- brings out all kinds of odd things.

The Natural State Hawg said...

the mad celt:

Well, if I could draw worth a damn, *that* would have been funny...

McAlpine said...

I need more time to read your blog. Just stopping through. I will be back.

The Natural State Hawg said...


I appreciate that! I have got plenty of rambling to plow through, and you may get sick of it after a time...

sketchsoundsoff said...

I loved the one about the super weasel lawyer! Very creative.

The Natural State Hawg said...


Well, I'm a recovering attorney. Yes, I spent four years practicing law before I ran screaming from it.

That experience, sadly, has tainted my view of the profession...