My plan to keep politicians from bugging me

Don't worry. I'm not about to engage in another "my political party is great and the one you like is full of idiots" rant.

No, I'm just annoyed as hell about the presidential elections and the local ones here in Saline County, Ark. I can't get away from those damned people and it's frustrating.

Here's what I mean. For the past month, we've had the "Obama channel" running on my Dish Network service (channel 73 for those keeping score at home) for the past month. That channel has been home to an infomercial that's just plain lousy.

To make matters worse, the World Series was delayed this evening to make room for Obama's prime time, infomercial extravaganza. Apparently, the lads in the Obama campaign haven't heard of overkill.

And just the other day, I had some local politician beating on my door at about 8 p.m. trying to get my wife and me to vote for him. If I can remember who he is, I sure as hell won't vote for him. I'm bothered by people all day long and I don't need more aggravation when I'm relaxing at home with my family.

Fortunately, Arkansas is small enough to avoid some of the more obnoxious aspects of political campaigns. I haven't had any of the "robo calls" from the Obama or John McCain campaigns and that's a good thing. What's more, I've got a DVR so I can forward through the lie-packed television commercials that both presidential hopefuls are dumping on the air.

The local politicians, however, still go door to door and beg for votes. I have a three-step plan to stop that nonsense and I figure on putting it in place during the next election.

Step 1 -- a big dog who looks mean

See that dog at the top of this post? That's Winston, our boxer/St. Bernard mix who weighs in at around 140 pounds. He's a very friendly pup, but he's a limping, drooling hulk of a dog who likes to bark at things. He looks mean and has scared the meter reader from the city utility company and a few neighborhood children.

My plan, then, is to chain him to a tree in my front yard during campaign season when I'm home. He wouldn't bite anyone, of course, but look at him -- he could do a lot of damage if he decided to attack someone. Hopefully, that bluff will be enough to scare of politicians. The only flaw here, of course, is that any sleazy politician who gets up the nerve to approach Winston will find out that he's a big baby who just wants to be petted.

Ever had a dog put his paws on your shoulders and give you a hug? Winston does that whenever he can. A hugging dog isn't exactly a mean dog, is he?

Ah, but Winston is only my first line of defense.

Step 2 -- more campaign signs than you can shake a stick at

In addition to my mean-looking dog, I intend to ward off those obnoxious politicians with a bunch of campaign signs. Before even the primaries begin, I figure on taking a look at all the contested races, choosing the candidates I support and then sticking their campaign signs in my yard.

Here's my logic. Let's say John Doe is running for King of Benton against Sneaky Pete. I decided to support John Doe so I get one of his signs and put it in my yard.

John Doe won't stop by and pester me because he's already got my vote, whereas Sneaky Pete might decide to pass my house by and bother my neighbors. After all, what's the point of wasting time talking to a voter who is already committed to a candidate?

The flaw here is that my wife might choose to support a candidate I oppose. In that case, there would be no campaign sign supporting any candidate in a particular race. The lack of a sign, then, might be interpreted as an invitation to show up and beg for votes.

Step 3 -- ask candidates to do menial tasks

If a candidate isn't scared off by the big, barking dog or deterred by a yard full of campaign signs, then I'll resort to a trick I used in college to get rid of vote seekers.

Back when I was a freshman, I was ironing a shirt. Some fellow stopped by who was running for student senate. He started to tell me why he was great and his candidate was an egg-sucking fascist when I interrupted him.

"I'll vote for you if you come in and iron my shirt," I said.

"I'm not ironing your shirt!"

"Then I'm not voting for you."

I shut the door in his face, leaving him standing out in the hall of the dorm. He didn't bother me again. Oh, and I made good on my promise not to vote for him.

A similar tactic would work with these people oozing around my neighborhood and begging for votes.

Conclusion

Follow The Hawg's three-step plan and you, too, could avoid getting pestered during campaign seasons. Of course, I'll be glad when election day has come and gone and we can get back to the business of simply hating the government as a whole instead of despising individuals begging for votes.