Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Man gives The Hawg a speeding ticket

For those of you who haven't visited the beautiful South, let me warn y'all of something -- small towns love setting up speed traps so that outsiders are forced to shell out some revenue.

What's the definition of an outsider in a small town? Someone who grew up outside of a two-county area seems to be a rule of thumb.

Sadly, I forgot that rule as I was heading up to Batesville, Ark., today to give one of my awe-inspiring presentations (well, it wasn't exactly awe inspiring, but everyone seemed to have a good time and I was able to fill up about 40 minutes on my given topics with little problem). Now, Batesville is about two hours away from my beautiful city of Benton, and there's a little town called Pleasant Plains (population 267) tucked away on U.S. 167 just south of Batesville.

I found out today that there's a very good place in Pleasant Plains where state troopers like to hide and catch unwary speeders. Folks, I didn't notice the trooper until he roared up behind me, turned his lights on and started waving me over to the shoulder. Had I been on my home turf in Saline County rather than driving through Independence County, I would have known where the cops were hidden.

So I got clocked at 70 MPH in a 55 MPH zone and I've got a nice, fat ticket to show for it (the fine will run about $175, I'm told). Damn. I haven't had a speeding ticket since 1991, so perhaps it was just time for me to get one. The upsetting part about this is that my wife got a speeding ticket a few months ago and I teased her without mercy over that.

She's been exacting revenge today and I deserve it. However, I did point out to her that "speedy" is certainly not an appropriate nickname for a woman to give her husband. She told me to "get my mind out of the gutter," but she knows I'm right.

I also regret not using a couple of choice excuses on the State Trooper:

"Well, officer, a bee flew in my window and landed on my accelerator. I was trying to mash him with my foot."

"I was going so fast because I was trying to get away from you. My wife ran off with a state trooper last week and I thought he was trying to return her to me!"

Maybe next time.

By the way, "mash" is one of my favorite words that rural Arkansans tend to use. To pronounce it correctly, you got to throw a "y" in there so it sounds like "maysh." Give it a try. It's fun.

Update -- Bob is upset

Heh, heh, ho, heh and triple-heh. The other day, good old Bob -- proprietor of the painstakingly named Bob's Blog -- left some comments over here and got attacked. Evidently, he thought people were being too mean to him so now he's now sulking about it over on his blog.

Apparently, Bob doesn't want to come over here and play any more. He wants to rant on his own turf where he can control the content and not have to deal with people who disagree with him -- to ridicule posts he doesn't like in a forum where he can shut off all comments challenging his skewed view of the world. That's a shame as his poorly-constructed and personal attacks (all based on laughably false assumptions) in my comments section provided scads of amusement. Come on back, Bob. I thought we were friends now.


Mr. New Dilemma said...

Wow about Bob! I read his blog the other day, and he was talking about it, but I had no Idea it was you. He sounded almost innocent.

As far as speed traps go, N. Georgia, I know it all to well. I think speed traps started here to chase that orange Charger with the rebel flag on the roof around a few counties. They were just some good ole' boys...

The Natural State Hawg said...

Mr. New Dilemma -- Well, I just thought I'd clear that up a bit for Bob. Why? Because I think it's funny -- anyone who gets that upset on a regular basis is fun to mess with.

You could be right about those speed traps in Georgia. Ah, those good ole' boys. I hear they've been in trouble with the law since they day they were born...

HealthNutWannaBeDad said...

Hawg, There's also a speed trap in the North Little Rock section of I-40. The speed limit drops from 70 miles per hour to 55, and a trooper is usually sitting there.

A few years ago, my wife and were coming home from a trip to Missouri. She was driving, had the cruise control on, and we were yakking and not paying attention. The next thing we knew, it was blue lights in the back window.

As for Bob, one day ya'll might become fast friends. You never know!

(And I did stop over there on his blog and left a brief comment, thanking him for yesterday's free entertainment.)

The Natural State Hawg said...

Paul -- That's worse than a speed trap -- it's a dirty trick!

Ah, Bob's comment section is completely moderated. I started picking at him after I left a comment he didn't like, he put up an entire post about it and I wasn't allowed to comment (the given reason was that he wouldn't provide a forum for my lies and half-truths).

I don't moderate a thing here. Then again, I don't take any of this seriously and I get a kick out of people showing up and throwing a fit.

HealthNutWannaBeDad said...

Yeah, I don't moderate any comments on my blogs either. Well, I do delete comment spam, but that's about it.

Those who do go through all of the trouble to keep folks from posting a comment on their blog must be skeered!


Eat Well. Live Well.

The Natural State Hawg said...

Paul -- Well, some of them do that just to get rid of spam. Fine with me.

The ones who like to stir up dissent and then block comments from those who disagree with them bug me. It's wide open over here -- I'm happy to let people take their chances ;)

""rare*jonRez"" said...

wooooh! good thing we were at the northwest of arkansas when we visited the state last week! lol

The Natural State Hawg said...

rare -- I'd avoid speeding through Johnson, Greenland, West Fork or Lincoln up in northwest Arkansas -- traps all over the place.

I hope you enjoyed your visit to our fair state. We tend to like it here.

Sherry said...

I'd never really thought about this until reading your blog, but I guess I've never heard of a speed trap anywhere outside the south. But, we have enough in the south to take care of the whole country!

The Natural State Hawg said...

Sherry -- Yes, we do. A lot of small towns in these parts get a lot of revenue from their speed traps. Maybe they raise money differently up North.

Anonymous said...

That would be because honey BOB is an ass. I left a comment on his blog that I am sure he won't post either. But I at least I gave him a piece of my mind, which I know he will have to read in order to approve the comment or reject it.

The Natural State Hawg said...

Ah, let him be. I'm happy to leave that kennel to Lassie.

Da Old Man said...

Bob is now my absolute favorite blogger, ever. He is obviously writing a parody style blog, because no one could be that stupid.

Sorry about the ticket, and I can assure you speed traps are throughout NJ, too. They aren't just "enjoyed" by Southerners.

Denford said...

So, Hawg, it was you who did Bob in, was it? I would never have thought!!

And that speeding ticket! You should come to Zimbabwe: we got potholes the size of that Moon Crater and you can not do an inch over 5 miles per hour - it is actually faster to walk - but then again, you'd probably get eaten by lions, since poachers have finished all the buck in the forests and jungles and the lions have been forced to rent flats in town and get proper jobs instead of lounging around ambushing innocent wild animals.

Speaking of which, perhaps you can answer this for me, no other Conservative blogger will: I read on the Fox website that Republicans in Washington want to kill Obama's dog. Do you know why?

Bob said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bob said...

I'm upset? I admit I was offended by your childish depiction of President Obama in green with horns. I wonder if you would do that to McCain or Bush. I think you were upset and your friends were upset that I called you an A-hole. Obviously I regret calling you that now. You are all welcomed to comment on post, just don't lie and leave hateful messages and please don't leave long comments. I would love to debate the issues with any right wing republican who thinks they can convince me that I'm wrong. I will post your comments if you can follow those simple rules.

The Natural State Hawg said...

Da Old Man -- He's an American original. Bob's welcome to show up and run his mouth any time.

As for New Jersey speed traps, I'm glad to hear that we're not the only ones who have them. I think I'll avoid enjoying one.

Denford -- You always make Zimbabwe sound like an adventure. I have no doubt that you're right.

Who on earth would want to kill Obama's dog?

The Natural State Hawg said...

Bob -- I'll pass on that. I was more than happy to debate your assertion that my decision to purchase a Toyota was somehow inexcusable, but none of that was posted. No, you decided to come over here, call me a liar and declare I wasn't welcome to post anything on your blog. The other day, you took advantage of my munificent tendency to leave my comment section open and called me an asshole and an idiot. How on earth does that constitute a civil debate? Over the past couple of weeks you've attacked me on your blog, shut down every comment I've sent in and have gone out of your way to miss my points completely.

I will point out, for the record, that you really do need to get little things like grammar and syntax down if you're going to call someone an idiot. I would have left that issue alone save for that magical phrase that you wrote -- "your and idiot." The irony was too wonderful to ignore.

As for Bush and McCain, I hate both of them -- slightly less than Obama, of course, but they're both a couple of spend-happy bastards. In fact, I've pretty well despised every president and challenger we've had since Bush Sr. was in office (he was just a nothing of a president rather than a full-bore moron like his kid). One of the assumptions you've made is that all of us on the right backed Bush 100 percent -- actually, a lot of us just hated him less than Al Gore or John Kerry.

Finally, let me point out that I don't take a bit of this blogging stuff seriously and I would suggest you adopt the same attitude. This is a hobby for me and I'm actually tickled pink when I can annoy someone to the point where they rant in my comment section and make up entire blog posts griping about me.

Karen said...

We have those speed traps here in Indiana. I just got done with my 3 months of careful driving so I didn't mess up my deferral. I was going 70 in a 55 also. Hey, my college aged son just returned to school after being home for a week. I was giddy. That cop burst my bubble.

Anonymous said...

You tell Honey!!!

Love you!!!


The Natural State Hawg said...

Karen -- Cops will do that to you, won't they?

The Natural State Hawg said...

Bob -- By the way, attacking my wife in my comment section was way, way out of bounds. I didn't appreciate that one damned bit.

By the way, the comment you left here is much more civil than the one your originally placed then deleted. Tsk, tsk, tsk. You're an angry fellow, aren't you?

Chris Wysocki said...

Hawg - Liberals like Bob are all over. I've given up trying to keep track of the blogs which delete my comments because I disagree with what the Enlightened Ones have said there.

Like you I keep my comments pretty much open and let the liberals' stupidity speak for itself.

The Natural State Hawg said...

Chris -- The particular leftist who went nuts in my comment section is amazingly lacking in anything resembling a sense of humor. Taking swipes at people like that is fun.

The post he was complaining about was just something I tossed out there for fun. Ah, but we're not allowed to poke fun at anyone but Republicans, right?

I should point out that I don't take just a whole lot seriously. If I can get someone amazingly upset over a rather innocuous blog post, it just makes my day.

Keep up the good fight on your blog, man. I've just recently run across it though BlogExplosion and I've enjoyed it quite a bit!

Harrison said...

Bob made a post all about you. Interesting comments. My comment about him calling you an A hole was not published!

The Natural State Hawg said...

Harrison -- Here's the funny thing -- I absolutely love that I irritated him enough to manufacture an entire post. The truly funny thing is the post that prompted his tirade was (in my view) pretty innocuous. The fact that such a post could prompt such unbridled hostility is absolutely hilarious.

This blogging stuff is all just pure fun for me, and what could be more fun than that? My traffic went through the roof, I got to irritate someone without trying too hard and laughs were had by all. Excellent!