The Hawg goes to a wrestling tournament

For Valentine's Day, I went to a wrestling tournament with my wife and kids.

Now, this is Arkansas so going to watch wrestling on Valentine's Day might not seem that unusual. Ah, but we weren't watching rasslin' like the pro stuff -- we were watching the Arkansas High School Wrestling Championship.

We were there to see my West Point-bound nephew, Jeffrey -- I've mentioned him before, as some of you good people may remember. Jeffrey (pictured here with his mother) wrestles for Rogers High School, so we made the 20 minute trek from Benton to Little Rock to see how he did in the championship this weekend.

Jeffrey finished fifth in his weight class, so I'd say he did us all proud. His father, Jeff, was beaming as he watched his son take part in a sport he loved as a kid.

Jeff is from Iowa and almost went to college on a wrestling scholarship. Arkansas is relatively new to wrestling and we have 40 high schools with teams so far. Jeff helps coach at Rogers High School and I'd say he's taught his son well.

Now, I can't help but say I was a bit disappointed. Why? I wanted to watch some rasslin' and got none of that. I figured young Jeffrey should come out to some theme music (Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger" or something like that), pick up a microphone and start taunting his opponent. The opponent would get all worked up, then the pair would climb into a steel cage and beat each other senseless.

It didn't happen that way at all. No, the wrestling took place on plain old mats and there wasn't even a ring to hurl opponents out of. The wrestlers had leotards bearing school colors instead of elaborate costumes and the kids were absolutely polite and respectful.

I did notice the coaches were sitting on folding chairs by the mats, so I figured Jeffrey would at least be able to grab one of those chairs and bash an opponent with it. That didn't happen, either.

I suppose all of those theatrics have to wait until a wrestler is able to go pro and start his career of being a loudmouthed rassler. I will encourage young Jeffrey to go that route and will even volunteer to be his manager.

I've got it all figured out, see. We'll take advantage of his West Point training and create a character for him called Kap'n Kill. He will be one of the good guys, of course, and will fight against terrorists, communists, socialists and anyone else who threatens the American way of life. He'll keep society from falling into chaos by whipping opponents in the ring. Folding chairs will fly, folks, and America will be saved on a weekly basis by Kap'n Kill.

I, of course, will be Colonel The Hawg and will appear in a seersucker suit, red bow tie and a pair of black and white saddle shoes. I'll always carry a cane and will use the skills gained from my public relations career to represent Kap'n Kill at press conferences. Those events, by the way, will always be a hoot.

"Well, suh. Y'all are living in a fool's paradise if y'all think anyone can defeat Cap'n Kill," I'll say. "This boy hyah, now he's American through and through and has the benefit of superior military training. He's a winner slogging through a world of losers. Don't get in his way."

Young Jeffrey would take the microphone and bellow threats at whatever poor slob was challenging him that week.

Ah, we'll be stinking rich, my nephew and I.

I do have to pass on one story from this weekend. The wrestling championship started on Friday and I wound up sitting in front of a very loud woman. She had one of those shrill voices that's so painful that my ears blocked out part of it as she bellowed.

"Gooch! Goooooch! Goooooch!" she'd yell as I writhed in pain.

I'm not sure how Gooch made out as I was too annoyed to pay attention. I was glad when the pair of wrestlers I assumed to be Gooch and his opponent quit because I figured the woman would shut up for awhile. I was wrong.

Two other wrestlers showed up and she started yelling her head off for some kid named Jake. I wound up moving down a few rows and could still hear her yelling her fool head off at various points throughout the evening.

The lady didn't show up today, however. Maybe she got a sore throat or was thrown out of the event.

At any rate, I was glad to see young Jeffrey do well this weekend. He's a great kid.