Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Introducing, Bella Beer!

As some of you know, I've been irate lately about the sale of Anheuser-Busch -- the company is selling out to Belgians and they've just lost me as a customer.


Indeed, I've been advocating the purchase of domestic beers and especially those produced by local micro breweries.

So, I've come up with my own micro brew and I'll name it after my dog, Bella. The dog, as you can see from the photo above, has a gimpy leg -- it's a sad, shriveled thing with a bit of paw attached.

Now, people who buy beers from micro breweries just love an outrageous name that may or may not describe the contents of the bottle. Yes, the more outlandish the name, the better -- you know, names like "Dead Guy," "Filthy Sot," "Stinkin' Drunk" and etc.

I'd simply call mine "Bella Beer" and sell it with that can't miss slogan -- "more hops than a three-legged dog!" It would be a heavily-hopped beer, of course, and you've got to admit you'd buy a six pack of the stuff with that kind of slogan slapped on it. Yes, the bottle would feature an illustration of the lovely Bella proudly displaying her gimpy leg and the slogan would be nice and large.

I don't want you folks feeling sorry for Bella or getting the idea that I'm making fun of her. My wife picked up Bella in an animal shelter last year because she felt bad for the pup. Bella can run and romp with the best of them and has become spoiled as can be over the past 12 months. She was born with a bad leg and has learned to cope with it very well. She chases cats, wrestles with our other dogs and is out the door like a shot when we're leaving and we indicate she can ride in the car with us. The dog sleeps cuddled up against my leg almost every night. Bella doesn't have a bad life at all.

In other words, quit thinking that The Hawg is being mean to Bella.

Bella Beer, then, would be a hit. And, it would be heavily hopped so the slogan wouldn't be the least bit misleading. We want to avoid that "Red Dog" image at all costs, right? When Red Dog was released, I was a reporter at a newspaper in Bentonville and we got this ridiculous media kit with it (multimedia and everything -- a big deal back around 1993). From the name, you'd think it was a "red" beer like Killian's Red (which was new at the time), but no -- Red Dog is just another cheap, pale beer that gives you a terrible headache if you drink too much of it. What a disappointment.

One thing that beer drinkers love is for their favorite brew to be repackaged. I've got ideas for that, too. We could release a special edition of Bella Beer by putting it in bottles that resemble moonshine jugs. The slogan would be altered to "the taste of Arkansas in every gulp!" For bonus fun, we could stick a corncob pipe in Bella's mouth.

And, here's another one. Fake a bottle from the 1800s and go with a "snake oil salesman theme." Call the stuff "Bella's Miraculous Cure-All Healing Elixir" and change the slogan to "she can walk again!" Great stuff. We'd sell tons of it.

You'll notice, of course, that I've put exclamation points after every slogan. Considering how much marketing junk gets sent my way that's filled with exclamation points, I'd say those are pretty important. So I'll play along. Boldface and italics are also important, seemingly.

All I need now is someone who has the skill to brew the beer. I also need someone to do the illustrations and design the bottles. Having people around who know about health requirements, distribution, accounting and etc. wouldn't hurt, either. Hey, I'm just the idea guy. I'll let other people handle the details.

So be sure to look for Bella Beer at a liquor store near you. Maybe. And remember -- I do have a law degree and did practice law so I'll sue the heck out of anyone who steals my idea. Be warned.

Just a couple more things. First of all, I've pointed out the box of Mike & Ike's in the above photo to illustrate that my daughter can't pick up a blasted thing. She finished the box of candy and just threw it on the ground. There's a lesson here -- if you have two able children, hiring a cleaning service only spoils them.

Second, I'm getting this post out of the way now because I've got a real knee-slapper planned for later. Stay tuned!

10 comments:

FishHawk said...

Oh yeah, I can hear it now, "Hey babe, would you get me another BELLAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

The Mad Celt said...

Too damned funny, man (More hops than a three-legged dog)! My best buddy in Washington is a micro-brewer (seriously)...let me know via e-mail and I'll set the two of ya's up for business.

lala said...

lol...Yeah, I think the "more hops than a three-legged dog" is your best bet (you know they have Flying Dog Beer)

Hey, I do graphics...lol...

;-)

The Natural State Hawg said...

fishhawk:

I remember the first time I asked my wife to bring me a beer when she was in the kitchen.

She threw it at me.

I haven't made that mistake again...

The Natural State Hawg said...

the mad celt:

Sounds good!

The Natural State Hawg said...

lala:

I've heard of that one. I wonder if hopping dog would compete with flying dog...

Da Old Man said...

Bella Beer sounds like a hit.

You could have a special summer ale, "Bella in Heat."

The Natural State Hawg said...

da old man:

Oh, that's brilliant! There's an idea I'll steal...

mcangeli said...

I don't know about Bella Beer, but my Favorite is one called Fat Tire out of New Belgium Brewing in Colorado.

I'm also a fan of Abita....

The Natural State Hawg said...

mcangeli:

Just get ready to deflate that Fat Tire and start swilling tons and tons of Bella Beer. Yes, the revolution is coming -- don't miss it.