Big changes at the All Arkie Army!

As I've griped about several times on here over the past couple of months, I got dog sick and was unable to get a lot of things done.

I've pretty much kept up with my job, my primary blog -- The Natural State Hawg -- and have, sadly, not done much at all with The All Arkie Army. I put that one together a few months ago for the purpose of providing a place for Arkansas bloggers to promote their content. Of course, we've got some people on there with Arkansas ties, too.

I'm finally healthy again and find myself in the mood to pay some attention to the little blog that I've unfortunately neglected. To that end, we've got a few changes in store.

First of all, we're moving from simply posting links here and there to reproducing entire articles that have something to do with the Natural State or are just ones that participants happen to like. Some of that content will be original, whereas some will not be. Of course, people will still come in and link to their articles and that's just fine.

I'm not limiting what people can post at all. I suspect people will still simply use the All Arkie Army as a way to link to their blogs. That's just fine. I simply believe some Arkansas-specific content that's reproduced in full will be useful to all who visit.

Also, I had hoped to get the All Arkie Army listed on Entrecard, but the blog was rejected for want of original content. More original content should help us get around that problem and, thus, drive some more traffic to the blog. We'll just see how it works out over the next month or so.

Now, most of the great ideas I've come up with over the years have been stolen and I can't claim credit for this one. No, my friend Theresa Komor over at Eyebald and A Bumpy Path came up with the idea of having more original content on the All Arkie Army in hopes of having more of a magazine format. That was a great idea and I've shamelessly stolen it. That's pretty much par for the course.

Second, I have been inspired by the very kind ladies over at Margie and Edna's Basement. Not long ago, those nice ladies presented me with the Special Tea Award. That award was special because there were absolutely no strings attached. That's right -- I didn't have to pass it around or anything like that. It was a simple token of appreciation and I love that idea.

When you combine that concept with my desire to be a Kentucky Colonel, what do you get? That's right -- an award through which people will be named Captains in the All Arkie Army. The award is not meant to be passed on and will be awarded to bloggers out there that we just like. How cool is that? I hope it works out like that, at least.

So, there are big changes in store at the All Arkie Army -- some things I've been meaning to implement for some time but just haven't felt up to it. So, if you are an Arkansan or have ties to this wonderful state, please pay us a visit and think about applying for membership. Instructions on how to join can be found right here.

A holiday of my very own

A couple of days ago, I was reading this post over at that fun Freaky Frugalite blog about National Grouch Day.

It's only fair to point out that the ladies over at Margie and Edna's basement wrote about the same holiday. At any rate, I ran across those posts around the same time someone else was talking about Wash Your Hands Day. Yes, it seems there's a whole holiday dedicated to spreading the message about the importance of washing one's hands.

That holiday may come hot on the heels of some other amazingly important holidays such as International Wipe Your Butt Day and World Don't Forget to Brush Your Teeth Day.

Anyway, that all got me thinking -- it seems like there are a lot of odd holidays showing up these days. So, I did a bit of research and found that there are all kinds of odd holidays and the United Nations has come up with its fair share of them. Just take a look at that list and you'll be amazed at how many international holidays are recognized by that do-nothing UN.

You've got everything from World Rabies Day to World Sleep Day on that list, leaving one to wonder just what the hell it is they do over at the UN.

Since everyone and their dog is coming up with a holiday, I have decided to come up with one of my own. I'll make my special holiday June 16, which is my birthday (and the day that follows World Blood Donor Day and precedes World Day to Combat Desertification and Drought).

What's my holiday? Why, it's Universal Send Cash to The Hawg Day! Now there's a holiday I can support and I sincerely hope that everyone observes it, has fun with it and sends cash over to your friend, The Hawg.

Now, the rules are simple. If you happen to live in the universe, then you are allowed to celebrate Universal Send Cash to The Hawg Day by, well, shipping a few bucks my way. And remember -- I'll accept cash only as the government can trace and tax everything else.

So, you're probably wondering why you should be bothered to celebrate Universal Send Cash to The Hawg Day. After all, you may be tired out from participating in World Blood Donor Day on June 14, not to mention being exhausted from all the frivolity that takes place on World Day Against Child Labor on June 12.

Ah, but my holiday is an essential one. Why? Because your cash could help me realize my dream of sitting on my front porch every morning, drinking coffee and waving at my neighbors as they head to work. I'm sure that's a cause the universe can get behind and support. I'm enthusiastic about it, at least.

Also, just think of the fun parents can have with their children. Yes, parents could encourage kids to save up their change all year long and send it to me every June 16. Such an exercise will prepare the young children for life. After all, what is paying taxes but sending your cash to someone you don't know and getting very little in return? Participating in Universal Send Cash to The Hawg Day would get those kids good and conditioned to assume their vital role as compliant taxpayers who don't complain about being robbed by the government. That's important stuff, folks.

So, how does one celebrate Universal Send Cash to The Hawg Day? Shoot off fireworks, sing songs about The Hawg's greatness, study up on the history of Arkansas, cook a huge dinner and invite the family over -- that's all up to you. Just so long as the ritual of sending cash to The Hawg is observed, you're free to do whatever you want on my esteemed holiday.

Sound good? I think so.

Arkansas Supreme Court keeps lottery on ballot

According to this story, the Arkansas Supreme Court has decided that we humble voters can decide whether to allow a statewide lottery.

Good for them, and phooey on the Arkansas Family Council for bringing a lawsuit and trying to keep the issue off the November ballot. It's typically a leftist move to run to the courts and try to keep people from voting on issues. The Arkansas Family Council -- a conservative group based in Little Rock -- ought to be ashamed of using leftie tactics to keep an issue from appearing before the voters.

Now, don't get me wrong. I hate the idea of an Arkansas lottery, but I'd rather have that issue presented to voters than letting the state Supreme Court take an active role in the legislative process. I'm a conservative and, as such, I have more faith in my fellow Arkansans than in the state's various institutions.

Why do I hate lotteries? More often than not, they are dreamed up by cowardly lawmakers who are afraid to push for tax increases. Also, the funds are fungible, meaning that the money that was once used to pay for the programs now financed by lotteries are moved to other things.

Arkansas Lieutenant Gov. Bill "Clintonista" Halter has claimed a lottery could raise $100 million for education. The Arkansas Department of Finance and Administration, meanwhile, estimates the lottery could raise $55 million. Whichever estimate is right, it's pretty clear that there would be a substantial sum to award in the form of academic scholarships in Arkansas.

But what of the money that's going toward scholarships now? Yes, that will quietly be tucked away in the general fund with absolutely no subsequent tax break for the tax-paying public. In other words, the state government that already has plenty of cash will just get more -- a fact that is not being disclosed at all by proponents of the lottery amendment.

Such trickery annoys me. Not long ago, for example, the sales tax on food was cut in Arkansas. That was wildly popular, of course, but the state government simply made up for the loss by taxing other things. It wasn't a tax cut at all.

Also, what happens to programs financed by the lottery should revenue come in at far less than expected? Hell, we've got Clintonista Halter saying this measure will bring in $100 million while the Department of Finance and Revenue estimates the program will net $55 million. That's a pretty big gulf, of course, leading one to suspect it's hard to project just how much revenue will be brought in by a lottery.

That's a major problem when it comes to budgeting. Let's say the lottery is wildly popular and routinely brings in $100 million. So, programs are put in place that are dependent on the lottery for revenue. What happens to that program when revenue drops to, say, $70 million? Are programs simply cut? Remember, we can't go back to the cash that is now paying for scholarships and grants -- that will be applied elsewhere.

One might argue that such uncertainty is typical as you get drops in tax revenue when the economy goes bad. However, bear in mind that this state is well financed and its budget surpluses aren't uncommon. In other words, programs that are paid for by honest-to-goodness taxes are based on a solid foundation as far as funding is concerned.

Finally, I have a major problem with all the hubbub over a statewide lottery because it takes the focus off the real problem in this state when it comes to college education. Namely, we're 49th in the country in terms of how many citizens hold at least a bachelor's degree. We're sending plenty of Arkansans to Arkansas, so what's happening to them?

A lot of them aren't staying here. My brother, for example, graduated first in his class with a bachelor's in chemical engineering that he earned at the University of Arkansas. He graduated second in his class with an optometry degree from Chicago. Where is he now? He's in North Carolina. Why? Because he couldn't find a job that paid well in Arkansas.

Most of my brother's friends who received degrees in engineering are out of states because they can't find jobs in Arkansas. Those backing the state lottery claim that offering more scholarships will ultimately result in a more educated workforce and that will boost the economy of the state.

History has shown, however, that plenty of Arkansas kids are earning degrees, but they're heading elsewhere. A lottery, then, is a terrible investment -- what we're asking Arkansas citizens to do is finance the educations of people who will wind up in California, North Carolina, Texas and elsewhere.

We can throw all the money at education we want, but until we figure out how to bring more jobs to this state it will all be for naught.

Wordless Wednesday -- brand new AC/DC

Yeah, that's right. AC/DC has a new album, Black Ice, coming out on Monday, Oct. 20.

That band hasn't changed in 30 years. Thank goodness for that. Why should AC/DC mess with the formula when the band's unique brand of kick-assery works so well? Here's the official video for "Rock N' Roll Train." Enjoy and make sure to visit the other Wordless Wednesday participants by clicking right here.

What the hell happened to my party?

Democrat Barack Obama and John McCain, the apparent token Republican candidate this year, square off for their final debate on Wednesday and I don't give a damn.

Why? Because there's no conservative in this election. Hell, if Obama wasn't such a two-faced, lying, Marxist little bastard, I might consider voting for the man. Both the Democrats and Republicans have managed to put candidates out there who have fully embraced socialism, making this election possibly even more depressing than the last two.

My question is this -- what the hell happened to the Republican party that I enthusiastically supported for so many years? Why does it seem that the Republican National Committee (RNC) is run by morons who have no idea what a conservative is supposed to believe.

I wouldn't expect the current idiot in the White House to have any idea who Edmund Burke was or to understand why Adam Smith was a pivotal figure in modern economic thought, but I would at least expect that bonehead to know what conservatives have historically wanted -- low taxes and to be left the hell alone by the government. George H. Bush was a brainless fool and his idiot kid is, surprisingly, even worse.

I'm absolutely amazed that the aforementioned RNC has adopted the George W. Bush strategy of wandering around making decisions that don't appear based on any political philosophy at all. Hell, Bush and the gang that somehow grabbed control of the Republican party seem absolutely incapable of approaching anything with the clear, rational approach for which the pragmatists who ought to be in control of the RNC are known.

My Republican party is now overrun by bumbling morons who aren't conservatives at all. Here's what I mean -- conservatives have traditionally sought to keep government small, keep taxes low and weren't known for going off half-cocked and jumping into wars for the hell of it. If you don't believe me, bear in mind that the Republicans remained doggedly isolationist in World War II until the Japanese showed up and bombed Pearl Harbor.

Those radicals, indeed, tended to avoid advocating expensive, society-altering wars until it was in the nation's interest to do so. You wouldn't your traditional, isolationist Republicans running around in Iraq, Bosnia (i.e., Clinton's war that served no American interest at all) or throwing troops all over the globe for the sheer hell of it.

No, Republicans don't behave like conservatives anymore and that point was made completely obvious to anyone paying attention when both Bush and McCain were involved in that little pile of socialism that has been euphemistically described as a bailout. I'd expect Democrats to be chomping at the bit to have the government used borrowed money to take equity stakes in banks that deserve to fail, but Republicans?

I'd expect Democrats to talk about how the "free market is broken" and start figuring out ways to have the federal government wade into the financial world and make a bigger mess of things, but even I -- a man who thinks the Bush family should have stayed in Texas and left the rest of us alone -- was stunned to hear a Republican president utter those very words. Yes, Hillary Clinton tried to nationalize the medical industry back in the 1990s and was slapped down, yet Bush advocates the same kind of insane screwing around in the financial industry and people who claim to be Republicans nod their heads in agreement. What the hell is going on here?

It's like living in damned Bizzaro World. The party that's supposed to fight against such anti-capitalistic nonsense is joining the rest of the leftists to such a degree that it's getting hard to figure out who the Republicans and Democrats are anymore when it comes to economics.

Here's an example. Obama advocates every "the government will help you scheme" on the planet and is called a socialist by the right, yet McCain promises to have the government step in and help renegotiate mortgages for homeowners in trouble. What, exactly, is the difference? Does it seem disingenuous for a party that's advocating a bunch of government meddling to blast another party that's advocating, well, a bunch of government meddling?

Yes it does. And that's why McCain is about to get his ass handed to him by Obama. And, yes, Obama being in the highest office in the nation is a very bad thing. I don't give a damn how many position papers Obama has on file or how many times he swears his "help you out" programs will be paid for by closing up tax loopholes and hammering the rich. Someone's going to have to pay for all that altruistic crap and you can bet the middle class -- the same group that gets screwed to the wall with increased taxes whenever the stinking feds go on a spending spree -- will have the joy of paying for it all.

Obama is just another enemy of the working class and there's not a damned soul out there who has the ideological focus to stand against him. The Republican in the race, in fact, has already shown he loves burning through cash, too.

The Republicans have betrayed about 300 years of conservative thought and are drifting around like unfocused buffoons to such an extent that Obama's thread-worn, Marxist garbage has actually gained him a following. the Democrats are focused and they are honest-to-goodness liberals whereas the Republicans are simply drifting around aimlessly. When they aren't agreeing with the left, Republicans these days are busily finding their own ways to grow the government and waste money. It's incredible that a candidate who ought to adopt "from each according to his means, to each according to his needs" will likely win an election in the United States simply because there's no conservative in this election.

So, here were are in 2008 being taxed into oblivion and dealing a government that seems to grow exponentially intrusive, expensive and, well, nannyish with each passing year. And there doesn't seem to be a soul willing to stand up and do a thing about it.

I still maintain that McCain is the lesser of two evils here, but he's really not worth a damn. It's damned sad that we've gotten to the point in our history where these two clods are the best we can do.

A TV lawyer annoys The Hawg

So there I was, minding my own business and watching television last night when one of those damned lawyers appeared.

Now, I love fast forwarding through commercials with my DVR, but I was watching a "live" show so I had to sit through the sleazy lawyer ad. This particular lawyer was howling about bankruptcies and how they are a wonderful, pain free solution to whatever financial trouble is ailing you.

I, The Hawg, used to be a lawyer. Being a lawyer is kind of like being an alcoholic -- you might be in recovery, but you'll never quite live it down. As I result of being a recovering lawyer, I've come to view attorneys in a particular way. To be specific, I hate them.

How much do I hate them? I'm completely against socialism, but I might be tempted to cheer for any efforts on the part of the government to nationalize the legal profession and pay all attorneys about $40,000 a year (that's about $30,000 more than they're worth). I'd also love to see a Constitutional amendment that would prohibit anyone with a law degree from getting within 50 miles of Washington, D.C.

But I digress.

I don't hate all attorneys, of course. But I do despise about 90 percent of the sleazy, ambulance chasing, scum sucking weasels. That particularly loud, obnoxious attorney who was on television yelling about bankruptcies is one of the worst of the lot.

Why? Because he was lying more than most lawyers. He was swearing that a lot of clients who filed for bankruptcy actually reported improved credit scores (after a number of years). That's only true just as its true to say that eventually we'll all die. Yes, the chances are good that your credit score will improve quite a few years after a bankruptcy is filed, but those who file bankruptcies face from 7 to 10 years of rotten credit -- a period in which it will be difficult to get mortgages and consumer loans for items such as cars, and those loans will probably cost you a hell of a lot in interest if you've got a bankruptcy on your credit report.

The bankruptcy boy was also warning people against credit repair companies, claiming they probably can't help you and they work for the credit card companies, anyway. That's a half truth at best and an outright lie at worst.

If you were to get on the Internet and find some screwy, fly-by-night credit repair service, you're just asking to get robbed. However, there are a lot of nonprofit credit counseling groups that are very good. Here in Arkansas, one of the better ones around is Credit Counseling of Arkansas, a nonprofit organization that strives to help people make budgets and get the debts under control.

Credit Counseling of Arkansas has helped a lot of people in this state and it's one of those groups that I contacted regularly when I was a reporter to catch up on the latest scams, trends and etc. How do you know the good credit counseling groups from the bad ones? That's pretty easy, really -- make sure you're dealing with a local group that has honest-to-goodness offices, is a non-profit and isn't owned by a law firm. The chances are good there's a quality credit counseling that covers about every community in the nation. They're actually pretty easy to find, too.

When I was a lawyer, I filed a lot of bankruptcies. People would ask me what there best option for dealing with their credit problems was and -- believe it or not -- I almost always suggested a bankruptcy. What the hell else is a lawyer going to say? If you go to Best Buy and ask who has the best option when it comes to plasma televisions, you can probably guess what the answer is going to be. Go down to your local Ford lot and ask whether you'd be better served by a Ford F-150 or a Chevrolet Silverado. Get the idea?

It's a terrible idea to ask someone for financial advice when one of the options you're considering will financially benefit that individual. Lawyers love bankruptcy clients because they either pay up front or through a bankruptcy plan and they don't harp about shelling out the cash, either.

Yes, that's what I said -- people who are going through bankruptcy are clients who are motivated to pay their lawyers. Here's the thing about bankruptcies. Most people resent having to hand money to attorneys because they're going through something they don't believe is their fault. Yes, divorce clients are always victims, as are criminals, people going through custody battles and almost everything else. So, they resent having to pay a lawyer to represent them in a matter that was thrust upon them, see?

Ah, but bankruptcy clients are different. A lawyer can make those nasty letters and phone calls stop and can get rid of a heck of a lot of unsecured debt. Behind on your house? A Chapter 13 can get those past payments caught up through a bankruptcy plan. People who file bankruptcies tend to see the value of an lawyer's services and they don't mind paying for that.

And, of course, there are times when bankruptcies are necessary. But, for God's sake, don't go visit an attorney and ask that individual whether there's a good alternative to filing a bankruptcy. The chances are good that lawyer -- thinking about a fee -- will tell you that a bankruptcy is the only way to go.

Go visit with a credit counseling agency first and don't wait until things get out of hand. If you're on the verge of a foreclosure or the repo man is lurking around trying to take possession of your vehicle, then you've let things go to far. Be honest with yourself. Recognize a bad situation before it gets out of control and explore your options before its too late.

Oh, of course, I'd caution against calling an attorney you see advertising on national television. If you've got to hire an attorney, find someone local and do so only after getting some recommendations from friends and family.

Raising kids confuses The Hawg

My wife is better than me at many things and is undoubtedly superior when it comes to raising children.

We've got two of the little darlings -- an 11-year-old son and a 7-year-old daughter. My wife is simply better than me when it comes to dealing with them.

Why do I lack such skill when it comes to raising kids? I lack patience when it comes to the kids and I tend to put them up to things that I think are funny but that other people might think are terrible and corrupting. My wife does none of that.

Here are a couple of examples:

Case Study #1 -- The Boy

My son is in middle school and he typically calls my wife when he gets home in the afternoon. For the past week, however, he's had to call me at work because my wife has jury duty.

The following is a transcript of a conversation I had with my son on Thursday. I originally related all this in a comment to this post at Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars. A fellow Arkie, Paul over at Paul's Health Blog, saw my comment and suggested I make a whole post out of it.

Here's the thing -- one of the primary rules around my home is don't piss off daddy. My son got close to violating that rule when he called me at work the other day and I had the following conversation with him:

"Hey, dad."
"Hey, boy."
"My leg hurts."
"What?"
"My leg hurts. It really hurts. My leg. You know my leg? It hurts."
"How did you hurt your leg?"
"I don't know. It just hurts. My leg. You know my leg? It hurts."
"Where does it hurt?"
"In the leg! I just told you that. My leg. You know my leg? It hurts."
"But, where does your leg hurt?"
"The whole thing hurts. It hurts on the inside, you know? Not on the outside like a bruise or anything. It hurts on the inside. And it hurts. My leg hurts on the inside. Not the outside. It really hurts. My leg. It hurts."
"Son, is there anything you can do to make it feel better?"
"I don't think so. It just hurts. Oh, my leg! It hurts!"
"OK, is there anything I can do to make your leg feel better?"
"I don't think so."
"Then why are you calling me?"
"Just to tell you that my leg hurts. My leg. You know my leg? It hurts."
"I'm starting to get mad as hell, son."
"Bye, dad..."

I figured my son pulled the whole "my leg hurts" mess just to torment me. I figured I made him mad and didn't know it. He was just trying to get back at me for something I'd done, see?

So I talked to my wife later that day and told her about it. I asked her if he always carried on like that when he called her or if he was just doing special to me. Now, get this. She told me that he's always carrying on like that. That he's typically rambling on about something somewhat mundane and complaining about one thing or another.

The difference, however, is that I get annoyed by it all and she has the patience to put up with it. That all simply baffles me.

Case Study #2 -- The Girl

After demonstrating how I lack patience, I shall now demonstrate how my odd sense of humor has the potential to warp my kids.

My daughter is in the Brownies and, of course, they run around selling things. The most popular things they sell are Girl Scouts cookies, but they also run around all fall selling magazines, candy and nuts.

I figured that my daughter needed that edge to sell more products. So I instructed her to go door to door around town, look sad and say, "My daddy says if I don't sell a lot of stuff, I won't have a Christmas."

My wife dismissed that idea almost immediately, claiming that people would think I was terrible and that Brenda would learn a completely incorrect life lesson out of it all. I didn't think that far ahead and was just trying to come up with a sure fire way for my kid to sell plenty of items.

In retrospect, my wife was right.

Here's another story about my daughter showing how I've had a negative impact on her. When she was three-years-old, we were listening to Sirius satellite radio. LL Cool J's hit, "Mama Said Knock You Out" started playing.

My daughter and I developed a game in which she'd yell, "Mama said knock you out!" She'd then clobber me and I'd play dead. Great fun, yeah?

The next day, my wife went to pick our daughter up from preschool. One of the teachers came up to her and said, "I don't know what got into Brenda. She went up to this little boy, said 'Mama said knock you out!' and then hit him."

And I'm the one who got in trouble.

Conclusion

See what I mean? Parenting confuses me and I'm terrible at it. Thank God my kids have their mother around to help offset the damage I unwittingly do.

Of Hogs and Tigers

After a season of misery, the Arkansas Razorbacks finally did something right -- the Hogs went to Auburn and beat a ranked team.

Sure, the Auburn Tigers might have been beaten up and in the middle of turmoil (head coach Tommy Tubberville fired his offensive coordinator just a few days before the game), but I won't dwell on any of that too much. Auburn was the 20th ranked college football team in the country and my struggling Razorbacks beat them at home, 25-22.

Yes, Arkansas went on the road, beat a ranked team and got a much needed victory. That win over Auburn put the hogs at 1-2 in the SEC and 3-3 overall. Honestly, two of those victories don't really count as far as I'm concerned because they came against rotten, out-of-conference teams.

So, this was a quality win for Arkansas for a lot of reasons. For one thing, it's a confidence builder. Arkansas has been rotten this year and has been embarrassed in games against Alabama, Texas and Florida. Fortunately, the team has been improving all year long and there were actually some streaks of real talent on display last week against Florida.

Against Auburn, those streaks of talent were converted in to honest-to-goodness drives. Running back Michael Smith rushed for 176 yards and a touchdown while quarterback Casey "Shaky" Dick passed for 222 yards and even managed to catch a touchdown pass on one of those sneaky plays that head coach Bobby Petrino likes to throw in from time to time.

So Petrino got his first SEC wins as the head coach for the Razorbacks and it came at the expense of Auburn, the very team of which Petrino used to be the offensive coordinator. That was a sweet victory, indeed.

Were there some problems for Arkansas? Yes, there were plenty. The defense still looks less than confident and blown coverages are common -- Auburn's receivers were left wide open more than a few times. Also, there's a running bet in this state. Which will happen first -- will the Chicago Cubs win a World Series or will Arkansas actually manage to kick a field goal?

Still, this Hogs team is very young and the players are learning. That's a good sign.

By the way, we Arkansas fans are insane. My dad was telling me he heard two old fellows at a bar and grill the other day and they were ranting and raving about the Hogs.

"You just wait," they said. "Next year, this team will go undefeated! They'll win the SEC and a national championship!"

Dad suspects those two were stinking drunk. I think he may be right.

Honestly, I figure we've got at least one more season of bad football to sit through after this one. Former head coach Houston "Fat Bastard" Nutt did a lot of damage in his 10 filthy years here and it'll take some time for Petrino to clean up that mess.

By the way, Houston Nutt sucks. I can't emphasize that point enough.

Here in the Natural State, the Arkansas-Auburn game was a big deal. The biggest college game on Saturday, of course, was the Red River Shootout -- #1 Oklahoma vs. #5 Texas. Texas won that one, 45-35, and I was glad to see it. Yes, I'm weird for an Arkansan -- I've got too much kin in Texas to hate that state too much.

Our waiter at the Rib Crib today is a student at Benton High School. He and I were talking about the Texas-Oklahoma game because it was on in the restaurant during lunch. He's from Dallas and was telling me that he is a Texas fan and that's gotten him in trouble from time to time.

How much trouble? He was wearing a Texas Longhorns t-shirt at school and was given so much hell by the other students that he went to the school office and got a new shirt to wear. We Arkies are conditioned to hate Texas, see?

So he was glad to visit with someone who was rooting for Texas today. He wrote "Go, Longhorns!" on our bill. I tipped him well.

My cat has a job and she does it well

This is Pico. She's a mean cat. A grumpy cat. An angry cat. A difficult cat.

How rotten is Pico? A few years ago, we wound up with Pico because one of my mother-in-law's friends had developed an allergy to cats. So she desperately wanted to find a home for her dear, sweet Pico.

A couple of years after the cat came to live us, I noticed that same friend lived in a house with four cats in it. She didn't want Pico back.

I, The Hawg, was duped.

However, Pico has an important job around my house and she earns her keep. I'll get into that in a minute.

I was reading a post earlier on Monkey Fables and Tales about the joy of insects invading homes in the fall. We get a lot of bugs here in central Arkansas, and that's particularly true in my case as I live near the Saline River. We get all manner of assorted critters here, in fact, but our rat terrier takes care of the snakes in the yard while Pico murders the insects that manage to get in the house.

If they fly, crawl, hop around or anything else, Pico is there to catch them and eat them. Got spiders? No problem -- Pico slaughters those, too. Some of you folks may think its nasty that the cat eats the bugs she catches, but that's fine with me. I don't care if she eats the bugs or crushes them, opens the front door and tosses them outside -- I just don't want to deal with the things. She's a full service bug killer, see?

So Pico is a meanie-head and doesn't get along with our kids or our other pets. So what? She does her part to cut down on the bugs around here and that makes her OK in my book.

Besides, my wife likes her and the cat does have her charms. There's something to be said for a cat that shows up, gets petted for about five minutes and then hides for the rest of the day.

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday -- nothing but fun

After a week of stewing over my health, fuming about that $700 billion bailout and generally being in a rotten mood, it's time to lighten things up a bit.

A lot, actually.

So, I'm taking advantage of this Wordless Wednesday by posting two videos from bands that are guaranteed to make you smile -- Shonen Knife and Cub.

First up is Shonen Knife with 1997's "It's a New Find." What's not to love about these Japanese secretaries-turned-rockers who adored the Ramones and sang about everything from banana chips to sushi? What's not to love a band that has enough of a sense of humor to cover the Rutles' "Goosestep Mama" and contribute a song -- "Buttercup (I'm a Super Girl)" -- to a Powerpuff Girls soundtrack?

In this particular video, the ladies in Shonen Knife even utilized some Elvis Presley imagery. The Hawg loves Shonen Knife. You will, too.



Next up is Canada's own Cub with "My Chinchilla," from 1993's Betti-Cola album -- the band's first LP. How cool was Cub? Cool enough to have Dan DeCarlo illustrate the cover of the Betti-Cola album. DeCarlo, of course, is best known for creating the "look" of the Archie comics series.

Here's a little trivia. In the early days, Cub guitarist Robynn Iwata had to use cheat sheets on stage because she was busily learning how to play guitar and needed to look at the chords for each song. Let's hear it for the enthusiastic amateurs!

My seven-year-old daughter loves this particular song and that's reason enough to like it. Cub was a great band that called it quits too soon (the group disbanded in 1997).



I hope y'all enjoyed those. I always do. For more Wordless Wednesday goodness, click right here.

The wife gets jury duty

My wife, the lovely Marci Kay, found out today that she gets to serve on a six-day, civil trial in circuit court here in Benton.

That'll teach her to register to vote. Actually, I'm wondering when it will be my turn to serve on a jury. I'm dreading it. I'm also annoyed that Marci won't tell me anything about the case because the judge has prohibited her from doing so. I'll have to be nosy later on, I suppose.

Marci was telling me this evening that she had some fun at my expense during voir dire -- the process through which attorneys attempt to sort through members of the jury panel in hopes of finding 12 people they can manipulate.

"Do any of you have a relationship with anyone in the legal community?" a lawyer asked.

Marci raised her hand and said that I, The Hawg, used to be a lawyer. The attorney asked her what kind of cases I handled and if I ever discussed them with her. She said, "No, he quit practicing before we got married."

"Why did he quit practicing law?" asked the attorney.

"Because he hates lawyers," she said.

And a good time was had by all.

So my wife got stuck with jury duty. She didn't follow my advice. Want to know how to get out of jury duty? Just say, "I've been following this case closely and I have some strong opinions about it."

Keep that in mind the next time you get jury duty. Had my wife used that answer, she wouldn't have to sit through a six-day trial. At least she gets her full pay at work, $25 a day and a coffee mug with the judge's seal on it. No, I'm not kidding about the coffee mug.

Speaking of lawyers, here's one you can use in the winter months. You'd better be sitting down. This one's a corker. A real knee slapper.

"Man, it's cold out there today. So cold, in fact, that I went downtown and the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets."

Tell that one to an attorney you know and love (or loathe).

That woman at the doctor's office was mean

Sadly, Casa de Hawg has been full of illness as of late.

I've harped time and time again here about my pesky ulcerative colitis flaring up and I wound up with some nasty sinus infection over the weekend, to boot. Both of my kids are nursing strep throat and my wife tells me she's not feeling too great, either.

My wife took our 11-year-old son to see the doctor today and I knocked off work early to take our seven-year-old daughter to see a different doctor. Why didn't they both go to the same doctor? I have no idea -- my wife set it all up and I've been married long enough to know when it's best to do what I'm told and ask no questions.

Now, my daughter's visit to the doctor was awful. Her doctor is in an office that's in a complex connected to Saline Memorial Hospital here in Benton. The place is dingy and has all the charm of the county revenue office -- the place where one has to go to get a driver's license, register new vehicles and all those pleasant things.

Like the revenue office, the doctor's office was packed full of people who looked mad about being there. Upon walking in, I knew it was going to be a bit of a wait. I wouldn't have been surprised if someone had removed all the hands from the clocks in there as that office (like most medical offices) is one of those places where time just has no meaning.

So we checked in and settled down. After only 10 minutes, one of the women behind the counter called my daughter's name! Yes, I was excited. It appeared the trip would be a short one, after all.

So I got my daughter and went to see the lady as I was sure we'd be called back and we'd get out of there in a hurry. She asked me if I had my insurance card. I started to dig for it in my wallet and she said, "Oh, never mind. It's right here in your daughter's file."

We were then smugly instructed to wait some more.

I realized right then why that woman was hiding behind a thick pane of glass. I'm convinced she was messing with us -- that she's the type who gets bored and likes to make people suffer. That, folks, is what I call mean.

So we waited for another 40 minutes. We got called back to see the doctor and waited another five minutes and visited with the doctor (who was very nice and my daughter declared upon leaving that she liked her) for about five minutes. So, the visit took about an hour and the payoff was about a five minute visit with a very nice doctor and a prescription for antibiotics.

So, nice doctor. Mean staff. OK.

While waiting in the doctor's office, a nasty thought occurred to me. I've got some kick-ass insurance -- my employer pays the premiums and I have no deductibles. That's right -- 100 percent coverage. Add my wife's AFLAC supplemental to all that and it's a pretty sweet deal.

All this talk of universal health care coverage worries me. Why? Since I started working, the government has found a way to deprive me of a lot of good things. For example, I've watched more than a few raises bump me into a higher tax bracket, resulting in a net gain of about nothing for my family and me.

I'm a bit worried, then, that the very government that seems hell bent on defining "justice" as that which makes us all suffer equally will be targeting my benefits before long. Throw in my long-held belief that those who rely on the federal government for anything will likely be disappointed and I do believe we're heading for a mess.

Getting the feds even more involved than they are in medical care will likely make those miserable trips to the doctor even worse.

Want some real health care reform? Start with a healthy dose of tort reform to keep the sue-happy lawyers in line and medical costs should drop accordingly. Then concentrate on those efforts that allow small businesses and individuals to "pool" and take advantage of the group rates that corporations enjoy. Those two measures, taken together, may help everyone in need of affordable, quality insurance.

Oh, and as for the pooling, here's little article about the Small Business Health Options Program (SHOP) that's kicking around in congressional subcommittees. Arkansas' own U.S. Sen. Blanche Lambert Lincoln, a Democrat, is one of the cosponsors of that legislation and has been a cheerleader for it all year long. She's one of those Democrats that I'm inclined to listen to as she's learned the difference between representing her constituents and representing her political party. By the way, Republicans and Democrats who are more interested in pushing the national agendas of their respective parties than representing the people who put them in office aren't worth a damn.

While the feds messing around in the free market often leads to disaster, that legislation may well represent a reasonable approach to dealing with the very serious problem of affordability of health insurance. It's worth considering, at the very least.

Christmas with the King!

My wife, the lovely Marci Kay, is just plain nuts about Christmas.

She enjoys the holiday so much, in fact, that we'll have three trees in our house this year. Of course, with that many trees around, you've got to have plenty of ornaments, right?

We got the third tree on sale last year (we use artificial stuff around our house -- haven't cut down my own Christmas tree in ages) and Marci has been running around picking up ornaments since then. I was with her the other night when she was buying ornaments and had to buy something appropriate to a Christmas tree that is within Casa de Hawg.

So, yes, I found the very Elvis Presley ornaments pictured above. What could be better than Christmas with the King? Marci has objected to my suggestion of opening presents while listening to the Blue Hawaii soundtrack, so I'll take what I can get.

Now, I should point out that I have two strict rules about Elvis ornaments. First of all, none of that jumpsuit, Vegas Elvis stuff. That's just wrong. Give me either Elvis the rocker or Elvis the cheesy movie guy. Second, no ornaments depicting Elvis singing "Blue Suede Shoes." That, my friends, was a Carl Perkins song that gained Elvis a lot of popularity by accident.

What accident? Perkins was on his way to sing that very song on the Milton Berle Show when he got in a serious car wreck. Perkins, while in the hospital, got to watch Elvis singing "Blue Suede Shoes" on that very show and the rest is history. Yeah, Perkins should have gotten more notoriety than he did, and it's widely believed that television appearance would have gotten him the recognition he richly deserved.

Honestly, I think Elvis is just a hoot and who doesn't want a bit of levity around the house at Christmas? My Elvis ornaments will look great next to ornaments immortalizing the Denver Broncos, Arkansas Razorbacks and Benton Panthers.

Yeah, I know what some of you folks are thinking -- what about Christian-themed ornaments? We've got plenty of those. No worries there. We're not heathens here at Casa de Hawg.

Now, if only I could talk Marci into that ornament featuring Elvis riding a motorcycle and singing about how he misses some woman or another over a fairly heavy blues track. The motorcycle lights up, the wheels turn and it's all just cool-o. Yeah, that's Christmas!

A funny Christmas story

Marci Kay just loves those "Black Friday" sales after Thanksgiving. She heads out around 5 a.m. and does battle all morning long with other folks wanting to find bargains.

A couple of years ago, she went to Target to pick up a digital camera that was available for a great price. She said their was a crowd of people gathered around as the Target folks were handing out cameras, six at a time.

There was a lot of pushing and fighting involved and Marci got shoved.

"The next person who shoves me gets punched!" yelled my ex-Army wife. "You people are being ridiculous. Happy holidays."

Yeah, I do love that woman.

Will the credit card companies have their hands out next?

While a lot of people have been concentrating on the $700 billion bailout that is supposed to benefit mortgage companies, what happens when the credit card industry starts asking for cool, free money from the federal government?

According to this story right here, we could be looking at a looming credit card crisis as banks are expecting to charge off $96 billion in bad debt next year. That, of course, could lead to some trouble for the wonderful folks in the demonic credit card industry.

Should they come calling, I hope the federal government lets the bastards rot. Those people deserve absolutely no sympathy and we'd be better off as a nation if we were rid of a bunch of companies that are predatory by nature.

Before I get into all of that, I'll allow myself a small rant about the bailout. Frankly, it's shocking how willingly the people we elected to represent us have embraced this big, stinking pile of socialism and have attempted to convince us that a bailout was necessary.

The federal government set mortgage companies up to fail, starting with the Community Reinvestment Act, a nasty bit of legislation pushed for by Jimmy Carter that "encouraged" banks to give mortgages to people who probably shouldn't have had them. Bill Clinton expanded the government's freewheeling pressure on banks to hand out junk mortgages. Ah, and we can't just blame Democrats here -- that idiot George W. Bush and his gang of morons looked the other way as Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac fulfilled their goody-goody low income housing goals by purchasing subprime mortgages.

So the government helped create this mess and this bailout nonsense is the ham-fisted solution the feds have come up with the solve it. The most obnoxious thing here is that John McCain suspended his campaign to rush to Washington and join in the chorus of the rest of the pinheads braying for socialism.

It's no surprise that Barack Obama voted for the thing as he has Marxist leanings anyway. He may have come across as a moderate as of late, but he's just another leftist out to expand the government and screw the middle class to the wall. Remember, kids -- it's just downright patriotic for all of us to head to work every day and do our part to support an ever expanding, increasingly intrusive federal government. Everyone with a functioning brain understands that Obama is a fan of big government, so his mamby-pamby embrace of this bailout was no shock.

McCain, on the other hand, is supposed to be a Republican. Perhaps true conservatives really don't have a party that represents our interests anymore, thanks to the influence of both George W. Bush and his worthless father. There were a lot of us who hoped McCain would show up in Washington for the purpose of joining other congressmen who were fighting this bailout mess. Instead, he let us down and went right along with it. Thanks, Johnny!

So, McCain, Obama and that lunkhead Bush joined the chorus of people who have decided that free market capitalism doesn't work and have allowed the feds to get their filthy hands on a larger chunk of the economy. Again, Obama's actions didn't surprise me. Hell, Bush's didn't either as he's a full-bore lunkhead who delights in making the completely wrong decision on most major issues presented to him. McCain's part in this mess, however, is disappointing.

How does this relate to credit cards? The precedent has been set for begging for help from the taxpayers whenever a segment of the financial industry gets in trouble. I hope the government tells the credit card industry to go to hell if they come begging as letting a number of those companies fail would amount to little more than justice.

My wife and I refuse to carry credit cards, due in a large part to the years I spent practicing law. I filed a lot of bankruptcies back then and most of them had to do with too much credit card debt. That's not a shock, seeing how someone who was 18-years-old and breathing could get a card back then (and probably still can) regardless of whether they had jobs and could demonstrate they could repay their debts.

When lenders are that irresponsible, they pretty well deserve whatever calamity heads their way. That's particularly true when the goal of credit card companies is to keep people in debt forever through high interest rates, the easy ability to raise credit limits and the nonstop encouragement to carry revolving debt. Throw bankruptcy reform in the mix (some nonsense bought and paid for by the credit card industry and signed into law by that Bush fool) and you've got an industry that's just begging to get hammered.

When their irresponsible lending, filthy habits of doing things like cranking up interest rates on a whim and everything else finally bites them, we ought to let them face the consequences. I seriously doubt the feds will, however.

That's just pitiful.

The Hogs are still struggling

Yes, it was another terrible day in Arkansas after the 12th-ranked Florida Gators (a team good and mad about a loss against Ole Miss last week) came to Fayetteville and smacked the Razorbacks all over the field.

We Razorbacks fans knew it was going to be a bad year, what with a new coach and a bunch of freshmen, but it's still hard to watch. In the end, the Hogs lost 38-7 and fell to 2-3 overall (0-2 in the SEC). Will we see some improvement next week against Auburn? That's hard to say, but the smart money is on Auburn, sadly.

Speaking of Auburn, they went to Vanderbilt today and lost 14-13 against a team that used to be an easy win. I'm not sure what the hell is going on with Vanderbilt, really, as that team now leads the SEC West and has gotten off to its first 5-0 start since World War II. Yes, Adolph Hitler was alive the last time Vanderbilt did this well. How's that for a bit of trivia?

At any rate -- Arkansas. I'm not so sure that the problem with the team is Casey Dick as I have assumed in the past. Dick is still not the greatest quarterback out there, but I couldn't help but notice that the offensive line for Arkansas is so awful that Dick spent most of the game simply running for his life. It's hard to find your receivers when you're dodging Gators all day long, seemingly.

How bad is Arkansas' offensive line? Florida sacked Dick once when they brought the dreaded three-man rush. If your offensive line can't turn back a three-man rush, you've got problems. Florida managed to hurry Dick into throwing an interception, to boot.

In spite of all that trouble, Dick was able to complete 19 of his 29 passes for 235 yards -- better statistically than Florida QB Tim Tebow's 17 completions for 215 yards on 26 attempts. Dick's got to struggle with some young receivers who tend to drop balls and make dumb decisions when they get them, too.

Like statistics? Here's another fascinating one. In the past three games, Arkansas has managed to score 31 points while holding their opponents to only 139 points. That sums everything up, doesn't it? Head Coach Bobby Petrino will probably burst a blood vessel in his head before the end of the season.

Indeed, you could see Petrino fuming here and there as Arkansas made one stupid penalty after another. And, let's not forget that the coach has absolutely no confidence in the kicking game. If it's fourth and long on the opponents 30 yard line, you can bet that Petrino will go for the first down rather than risk a field goal. That lack of confidence is disturbing, to say the least.

The only games Arkansas has won this year came against two scrub teams at the first of the season -- Western Illinois and Louisiana-Monroe. There's nothing to brag about there, of course, for two reasons -- Arkansas is supposed to beat teams like that and the Hogs barely managed to win those games.

Were there any bright spots? Actually, yes. First of all the aforementioned Casey Dick performed pretty well. And then there's running back Michael Smith who had 133 yards and a touchdown on 20 carries. This season may be a wash, but no one has told Smith yet. That's fortunate.

Also, keep in mind that Petrino is having to play a lot of true freshmen. Yes, former head coach Houston Nutt's miserable attempts at recruiting have put the Hogs in a position where there just aren't a lot of good, experienced players on the field. All those freshmen that Petrino has been stuck with will improve and should be considerably better next year.

Oh, and speaking of Houston "Boxcar" Nutt, his Ole Miss Rebels were kind enough to give Steve Spurrier and the South Carolina Gamecocks their first win in the SEC today. It appears that the Ole Ball Coach pulled off a win over the Ole Nutt Sack with a 31-24 victory. That means Ole Miss is 3-3 overall and 1-2 in the SEC and I couldn't be happier as Nutt is a filthy goon who deserves to fail everywhere he goes. Nutt and his white trash coaching staff head to No. 2 Alabama next week and ought to be beaten to a pulp when they come to Arkansas the following week.

I do hope Arkansas fans will welcome the former Razorbacks head coach by showering him with garbage throughout the game. I started advocating giving the Ole Nutt Sack the tar and feather treatment around 2000, but watching him covered with egg shells, coffee grounds and other assorted bits of trash would be almost as good.

I should stress that I have absolutely nothing against Ole Miss. I just hate that team's coach with a white passion and love to see him fail. He screwed the Razorbacks, folks, and it's a shame that it's time for Ole Miss to be sold a bunch of crap and snake oil. They'll wise up and run him off soon enough. Maybe he'll find success coaching junior high ball one of these days.

Benton Panthers get mercy ruled!

In Arkansas high school football, the mercy rule is put in place when a team is ahead by 35 points. Under that rule, the clock simply isn't stopped unless you've got official time outs and things like that.

Friday night, my beloved Benton Panthers traveled to Lake Hamilton and the mercy rule was put in place sometime in the second half. That's one of the most humiliating thing that can happen to a high school team, by the way.

The Panthers, of course, lost 56-21 and fell to 1-4 on the season (the only victory so far came against Conway this year). Things probably won't get much better next week when the Texarkana Razorbacks come to town next week.

Two years ago, one of the funniest things I've heard in a high school football game happened when Texarkana came to Benton. There was this Texarkana coach who wore his baseball cap backward (I nicknamed him Hatty McBackward) and screamed at his team the entire game.

Dad and I always sit on the visitor's side, and Hatty kept screaming even as his team was rolling over Benton. In the fourth quarter, I heard someone (obviously a Benton fan) yell, "Settle down, coach! You're up 42 to 14!"

Here's hoping Benton has a better game against Texarkana on Friday.

A little housekeeping...

Yes, it's time for The Hawg to take care of a little business, so please bear with me.

First of all, I've been granted Margie and Edna's Special Tea Award. If you haven't visited Margie and Edna's Basement yet, click right here and head over there. I like those two ladies as their blog is always entertaining and they've always been nice to me. Besides, they refer to me as Mr. The Hawg and I think that's funny.

I like this particular award, too. Why? Because there are no strings attached. I always love getting awards, but they typically require me to pick some more people to send them to -- rather like an Internet chain letter at times. Some of the recipients are glad to get them whereas some people just get irritated.

Ah, but this award from Margie and Edna is different. It's meant as a sincere honor and there are no requirements to pass it on to other bloggers. Again, I don't mind passing on awards and I always love to get them, but a change of pace is nice, right?

So, I'm honored to get this award from two of the friendliest and most entertaining bloggers out there. I'm proud to add this one to that trophy case in my sidebar.

Top Entrecard droppers

Well, I'm a bit late on posting the top Entrecard Droppers for September. So, here are the top 10 Entrecard droppers as of October 2nd. Close enough, I figure:

TuitionPlace

Picture to People

Mommieshome.net

Credit Card Lab

Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars

MoneyOnlineGuides

Stud Kickass

Slow Streamyx

Helping Yourself

Designing Hillary

Thanks, folks. I appreciate everyone taking out time to stop in at my little blog so regularly.

The Hawg cleans house

I've noticed that a lot of blogs I visit regularly are choked down with java script and all manner of slow-loading things. I timed my blog and noticed that I had a lot of stuff slowing it down, too.

So, I've cut out a lot of that stuff. Yes, the widget that told where visitors are coming from is gone as both Feedburner and Google Analytics tell me that. Those image-heavy ads that no one was clicking are gone, too.

What's left? A few ads that still no one will click and a few items that are essential (well, that awards shelf isn't essential, but I like such ego-enhancing things). I've also moved my Entrecard widget up top so people can spot it easier.

The Hawg has fallen behind

As I've already mentioned, my wonderful ulcerative colitis (a true pain in the ass) has been giving me fits. After a day of work, I'm often too tired to drop on Entrecard as I should, Digg articles and all that other stuff.

I'm not happy about falling behind so much, but I'm heading to the doctor for another, err, scope test in the morning. Hopefully, I'll be back up to speed soon.

And finally...

Watch the debate? I did. What did you think? Was Sarah Palin or Joe Biden more impressive? Leave a comment. Come on, folks -- share!

Wordless Wednesday -- Mojo Nixon & Skid Roper's "Elvis is Everywhere"

Check out the other Wordless Wednesday participants by clicking right here.

Sometimes people will surprise you

Earlier today, my neighbor came by and handed my wife a check to cover half of the costs of getting our fence repaired.

That was totally unexpected and certainly appreciated. Why? Because our neighbor's tree got blown down when the remnants of Hurricane Ike were passing through central Arkansas. The tree made a mess of our chain link fence and destroyed a couple of sections of our privacy fence.

Our neighbor's insurance carrier, State Farm, paid to remove the tree but wouldn't pay to repair our fence (act of God and all that). We've got a $1,000 deductible with our insurance carrier, so I didn't bother filing a claim as it costs less that that to repair our fence.

Besides, our insurance carrier is Allstate, and that company is horrible. It's more like a collection agency than an insurer, so I try to avoid them whenever I can. How did we wind up with Allstate? That's a story that takes too long to explain.

I could have taken my neighbor to small claims court to force them to pay for our fence, but I hate the legal system more than I hate Allstate. I practiced law for four years and learned to detest lawyers, and what's a judge but a lawyer who carries a gavel and can send you to jail for not doing what he says?

So, I decided to go ahead and pay for the repairs. They needed to be made, after all, and two of my dogs have been on 20-foot leads since shortly after the tree fell -- the little rascals just won't stay in the fence. That's sad, watching the poor pups on leashes and all.

The fence guy was over today and my neighbor came by, asked my wife how much the repairs cost then wrote her a check. That was a classy move and one that caught me by surprise.

How many people go out of their way to do the right thing these days?

One more season and Pittsburgh sets a record

While baseball fans around the country are looking forward to the playoffs and the World Series, we Pittsburgh Pirates fans at least have something in common with our favorite team.

Yes, we'll be watching the games in our living rooms and wondering if next year will be any better. Unfortunately, Pittsburgh is terrible and there aren't any signs the team is improving.

How bad is Pittsburgh? The team hasn't had a winning season since 1992 and is tied for the most consecutive losses of any team in professional sports. By closing out this season at 67-92, the Pirates never got close to the magical .500 mark.

If the Pirates turn in another rotten season next year, they'll set an undistinguished record -- 17 losing seasons. No team in any major American pro sport has been able to achieve that level of suckness. Well, at least they've got a shot at doing something rather well. If you're going to stink, why not go all out, right?

The Pirates are so bad that Foxsports.com named the Pirates the worst franchise in American pro sports way on back in May. There were 10 teams on that list, and the Pirates edged out some real stinkers such as the Kansas City Royals, Arizona Cardinals, Los Angeles Clippers and Detroit Lions.

That's terrible, folks. That's so bad that the Pirates might want to consider changing that "P" logo on their caps to read "Pee."

The obvious question, of course, is how did the Pirates get so bad. Just what the hell happened to a team that played in the first World Series in 1903 and picked up World Series victories in 1909, 1925, 1960, 1971 and 1979? What happened to the team that was one rotten inning away from the World Series in 1992?

Simple -- the Pirates have adopted a strategy of fielding young, inexperienced and cheap players. After the 1992 season, for example, the Pirates lost Barry Bonds. That trend of getting rid of solid players has plagued the Pirates, a team that was once the home to the likes of Aramis Ramirez and Jason Kendall.

The Pirates, oddly, have adopted the confusing habit of trading good players for a bunch of prospects, then trading the prospects that develop into solid players for more youngsters. Let's say, for example, that Pittsburgh trades a standout player for prospects A, B and C. The following season, A and B develop into fair-to-middling players, while C is outstanding.

What happens? The Pirates keep their mitts on A and B and trade C for some more prospects. And the cycle continues. It's no wonder, then, that we loyal Pirates fans would go absolutely insane if the team managed to win 81 games and enjoy something that seems impossible to us -- a .500 season.

That's just pitiful. How many baseball fans would consider 81 wins a failure? A lot of them, to be sure, but we Pirates fans might get so excited that we'd start burning couches in our front lawns.

I know at least one blogger out their shares my pain when it comes to the Pirates -- Brian McElhinny at Raise the Jolly Roger. There's a man who's keeping the faith. Good for him.

Should you want to see when I gave up on the season, see an earlier post of mine right here.

Terrible weekend for football

I've been following football for a lot of years and I can't think of a weekend that has been as aggravating as this one.

Why? My three favorite teams from the NFL, college and high school all played like garbage and got beaten. That's right, the Benton Panthers, Arkansas Razorbacks and Denver Broncos all lost. To make matters worse, that rotten former head coach for the Razorbacks led Ole Miss to a victory over #4 Florida.

It's enough to make a man swear off football for the rest of the season.

Well, probably not. Actually, definitely not.

Still, the whole thing was a mess so I'll sort through my pain and disappointment, day by day.

Friday, Sept. 26 -- Panthers fail

My beloved Benton Panthers headed to Pine Bluff to take on the Zebras. Yes, the Panthers were coming off a victory against the Conway Wampus Cats the previous week and hopes were high they'd pull off a win in their first game of conference play this season.

So, they spent the week preparing themselves for the trip to Pine Bluff by practicing hard, adjusting to wearing bullet proof vests under their pads and taking daily penicillin shots. All of that preparation was for naught as the Panthers failed, 43-25.

Honestly, Pine Bluff has a very good team this year and Benton was expected to lose. Still, Benton's first three games of the season were against 7A teams and the fact that the Panthers pulled off a victory against one of those teams and played well against another inspired some hope.

Benton, see, is a 6A school and the Panthers were holding their own against teams in the larger 7A classification. Ah, but Pine Bluff proved to be too much for the Panthers, dropping the team's record to a lowly 1-3 for the season. That's no damn good at all.

Why does The Hawg follow a high school team? I live in Benton and graduated from that school, as did my parents and my brother. Friday night football is a big deal here in the South and I'm as guilty as anyone of being a bit obsessive about it. So there.

Saturday, Sept. 27 -- Hogs still awful

No one expected the Arkansas Razorbacks to do much against the Texas Longhorns. That's a good thing because the Hogs failed miserably. Back in the old South West Conference days, the Arkansas-Texas game was the biggest one of the year for us Arkansans, and watching the team head to Austin and take a 52-10 whipping was hard for us long time fans.

That stomping, by the way, was the worst one Arkansas has taken at the hands of Texas since 1916 when the Longhorns slaughtered the Hogs 52-0. This year's contest was supposed to take place a couple of weeks ago but was delayed because a hurricane was ravaging Texas. I'm sure Razorbacks fans agree with me that the game should have stayed delayed. Like, indefinitely.

Arkansas has shown some hope in it's running game over the past few games, but Michael Smith was shut down. Alex Tejada struggled in the kicking game and quarterback Casey Dick still looks like a newcomer trying to come to grips with that new-fangled forward pass.

The Hogs got whipped last week by Alabama and have only beaten two rotten, scrubby teams this year -- Western Illinois and Louisiana-Monroe. I doubt things will get much better when Florida comes to town next week.

Yes, Florida is mad because they lost to Ole Miss on Saturday and will be out for revenge. Ole Miss, by the way, is led by Houston Nutt, the dirty bastard that used to coach Arkansas and left the Hogs with very little for current Razorbacks coach Bobby Petrino to work with.

Nutt did his typical thing -- he lost to Vanderbilt one week and then beat a far superior Florida team the next. Of course, Florida helped things by turning the ball over to Ole Miss every chance they got. It is good to see Nutt engaging in his typical behavior -- raising hopes just to dash them -- at a school other than Arkansas, however.

Arkansas will be fine once Petrino can get some of his players in here and get his system in place. Regardless, Arkansas is 2-2 (0-1 in the SEC) and things may well get worse. After Saturday's game, I have yet another reason to regret my decision to get a law degree at the University of Arkansas rather than heading to Vanderbilt to get a master's in political science (yes, I could have gotten in there) and heading to the University of Texas to get a doctorate. Stupid, stupid, stupid The Hawg.

Buckle up, Hogs fans. This year's shaping up to be a miserable one.

Sunday, Sept. 28 -- first loss for Broncos

So, the Panthers lost on Friday and the Razorbacks failed miserably on Saturday, but certainly the Denver Broncos at 3-0 would whip the lowly, 0-3 Kansas City Chiefs on Sunday, right? As it turns out, that was absolutely wrong.

While Kansas City was on a 12-game losing streak, they always play Denver tough at home and Mike Shanahan, Denver's head coach, entered Arrowhead Stadium with a 3-10 record there. Denver and Kansas City might not hate each other as much as, say, Denver and Oakland, but there's still a strong rivalry there and Kansas City played like it.

The Chiefs shut down the Broncos' running game and Denver quarterback Jay Cutler threw two interceptions, to boot. Oh, and the Broncos managed to fumble twice on Sunday, too.

In the end, Denver (AFC West) lost 19-33 and fell to 3-1 on the season. I can't help but think of that game as an anomaly as the Broncos came into Kansas City averaging 38 points per game and were leading the NFL in first downs. They'll be fine but they looked terrible on Sunday. The Broncos play Tampa Bay next week, so here's hoping they'll be back on track by then.

Denver has always had a hard time in Arrowhead and Sunday was no exception.