Music Monday – Peanuts Christmas

Relax and enjoy…

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Christmas shopping like a champion

Back when my wife and I first got married, we were poor.

We were so poor we couldn’t afford to pay attention. We were so poor we should have described ourselves as “po” because that “r” and additional “o” were just too darned expensive.

In short, we were broke. As such, we had to plan our budgets carefully. We adopted the habit of shopping throughout the year so tackling buying Christmas presents wasn’t such an ordeal – it was spread out rather than concentrated in the space of a couple of weeks.

Thankfully, things have improved financially for the two of us. Still, we have hung onto that tradition of shopping throughout the year. If we see something in March or July that we know someone would love for Christmas, why not just pick it up then and store it somewhere until December?

So, here it is Dec. 14 and our shopping is all but finished. Oh, sure, there are a few odds and ends to pick up here and there, but we’re not going to be rushing out right before Christmas and fight crowds to get everything at the last minute.

We have the luxury of sitting back and enjoying the season.

That shopping early bit is highly recommended. It really does take the stress out of the holiday and let’s us concentrate on what’s important – making plans with family, getting involved with our church’s observation of Christmas and that kind of thing.

Ah, a relaxing Christmas season. There’s a lot to be said for it.

Hey! Where’d my banner go?

Way on back in July 2008, I started this here blog and my friend, Dave, went and designed a banner for it.

Ah, it was a thing of beauty, that banner. You could throw hyperboles at it all day long – great, nifty, dandy and dope stupid, to name a few.

Now it’s gone. Why? I’m not really sure – I just noticed it wasn’t gracing my blog as usual for some reason. According to my control panel in Blogger, the thing never existed at all.

So I put together a new banner – one that certainly conveys the fun and frolic that have become synonymous with this blog. I rather like the new banner, in fact.

But that’s not the point, is it? Where the heck did my old banner go?

All I can figure is that Blogger is owned by Google – a company that just seems to go out of its way to hate me from time to time. A few months ago, my Google PageRank dropped from a healthy “3” to the pitiful “0” it’s at right now.

I shouldn’t be surprised, then, that the Google reached at and took a swipe at me – friendly ole The Hawg – once again. It might have something to do with the fact that I revealed the truth about evil cell phones yesterday (they’re of the devil, you know).

Google, of course, has lately been working on dominating the cell phone market with various applications. You can’t escape Google on the Internet, so why shouldn’t the same be true of cell phones, right?

Clearly, Google doesn’t need smart-aleck folks running around suggesting that people should smash their cell phones and live simpler, happier lives.

Of course, maybe I should have just backed up the old banner.

It’s more fun to blame Google for my mistake, however.

At any rate, enjoy the new banner. Who can resist wacky stick figures and a line drawing of a Russian boar? The Russian boar, by the way, is the critter that the University of Arkansas actually uses as a mascot – Razorbacks are rather hard to come by in these parts, so the live pig that sits in its cage at games is the more common boar.

Useless trivia – I know tons of it.

Stop the evil! Smash your cell phone today!

Believe it or not, I’m annoyed over something.

What’s got me worked up today? Cell phones. Hate the things. The world would be better off without them. I figure that Satan developed them to torment us poor humans, anyway. That’s just the kind of thing that devil would do. Damned pest.

Actually, I wouldn’t be too worried about lobbying against all cell phones if I could just be rid of mine. Since my wife and employer won’t let me get away with refusing to carry one, I figure I’m stuck until I complete a successful campaign to get rid of all of the nasty things.

In other words, I’m irritated and intent on making everyone suffer. So there.

Anyway, I started thinking along these lines around 1997 when I was driving back from a friend’s funeral. I was practicing law at the time and my cell phone rang – it was an angry client who figured I ought to be in my office working on his something-or-other instead of wasting my time at a funeral.

I responded by pitching my cell phone out of my car window when I was driving about 75 MPH. I immediately got angry for two reasons. First of all, that phone cost around $400 and I reduced it to a pile of garbage that was scattered down the Interstate. Second, I wanted to call my secretary and yell at her for giving some lunatic my cell number.

I couldn’t call her, of course. I had just pitched my phone out the window of a speeding car.

So I didn’t carry a cell phone for years. Oh, I was a happy, happy The Hawg! People could reach me at work only when I was actually at work. I could be alone from time to time and not have to worry about a nasty ringtone shattering my solitude.

Ah, but then I got married and my wife made me carry a cell phone. Sure, that one got destroyed after it went through the washing machine and my wife got me a new one. I gave that one to her after I started my current job and my office bought me yet another phone.

I got rid of the phone my office bought me when I threw it up against a wall a few times, kicked it for good measure and stomped on it for the sheer hell of it. My employer rewarded me with yet another cell phone.

I can’t get rid of the things, seemingly -- I'll destroy one and wind up with a new phone. Furthermore, I’ve got to leave it on in case there’s an “emergency” and someone needs to get in touch with me. Emergency? There are some other things I could carry in case of an emergency – a shotgun, a life preserver, road flares, rope, a canteen, SCUBA gear, etc. I don’t carry any of that junk around with me constantly, but I am required to carry my cell phone in case some phantom emergency pops up and I have to deal with it.

Do I get any emergency calls? Hell no. What I get are work-related calls when I’m at home or on vacation from people who always ask me if “it’s a bad time to talk.”

Well, yeah it’s a bad time to talk. A good time to talk is when I’m in my office during working hours – not when I’m at my mother-in-law’s house on a Thanksgiving vacation.

I also get calls from my wife while I’m weaving through rush-hour traffic because she wants to know if I've left the office yet. You know, one of those calls could cause an emergency...

You’d think mankind hadn’t managed for centuries before the advent of the cell phone. How could people get in touch with each other if an emergency popped up? What on earth did they do?

Oh, yeah. They managed just fine.

I’m convinced there are few of those “cell phone” emergencies to which people like to refer. That fellow surfing the Internet on his iPhone in the middle of a movie theater I was at a few weeks ago didn’t have an emergency. That freaky chick I saw texting away while driving down the road a few weeks ago wasn’t dealing with an emergency. Those cell phone gabbing maniacs who lollygag around while getting in my way on the freeway during my morning commute aren’t in the middle of emergencies.

No, we’d all be better off by simply taking up our cell phones and running them over with our cars a few times, thus freeing ourselves of that demonic evil. Just imagine a world where lunches with friends aren’t ruined by cell phone calls, people actually pay attention to the road while driving, obnoxious ringtones are unheard of and crumbs don’t wander around in a haze while checking their Facebook accounts on their phones.

I do believe my dad has the right idea about how to carry a cell phone. He resisted one until my mother finally convinced him he needed one with him. What’s my dad’s cell number? I have no idea.

Why? He doesn’t want to be bothered and he’d rather talk to me in person, anyway.

Redneck Christmas float -- my 'Wordless Wednesday' entry explained

For my Wordless Wednesday submission yesterday, I posted the charming photo on the left.

Since then I've got a decent story about the origin of this photo -- perfect since I figured on writing something about it for Tell Me Thursday, anyway.

My wife sent me that photo the other day and I figured I had to use it. I figured it just came from somewhere on the Internet (the source for all things random) and got sent to her because, well, we're Arkansans.

I asked my wife where the photo came from and she said it came from a lady she works with. The photo, apparently, was taken at the Grant County Christmas parade in Sheridan, Ark. Yeah, that's right -- this is the kind of thing that goes on here in Arkansas.

Frankly, that's absolutely fine with me. Here we've got a fellow with a fantastic sense of humor who went and made a float that is as hilarious as it is grim. I mean, think about it -- gathering up the deer for that thing took a lot of hours in the deer woods and (I'll assume) a decent amount of cash (taxidermists don't work for free the last time I checked). Building a "sleigh" and mounting in on a four-wheeler was a bit of an exercise, too. And how much time does it take to secure a spot in a parade?

This guy went all out with his idea. Notice how the deer representing Rudolph even has a red nose. I appreciate the heck out of that.

Really, I do. I'm not even a hunter (that takes too much effort and I've got a butcher's shop not too far from my house) and I appreciate that photo. Why? It's an absolute hoot and that's good enough.

At any rate, I hope everyone has a great Christmas. I bet dude in the photo is going to wind up with something hunting-related and I hope you fine folks get what you want this year, too.

By the way, if you're a Wordless Wednesday participant, I strongly urge you to check out Tell Me Thursday. That gives you the chance to tell the world the story behind your Wordless Wednesday submission. That's a heck of an idea.

Wordless Wednesday -- could be from Arkansas...

This entry is part of the Wordless Wednesday wackiness. Click that link to see the other entries or submit something of your own.

White lights or something more colorful?

Being from the South, I sometimes find it hard to talk about Christmas lights.

Why? Well, talking about “colored lights” here in the South just sounds somehow wrong, doesn’t it? Brings up memories of the rants that Ku Klux Klan member in town used to engage in from time to time. Ugh. Distasteful.

At any rate, I’ve noticed that a lot of folks around here are going for white lights this year. White lights all over their trees, outdoor decorations and everything else.

We’re more confused around my house, really. We’ve got two Christmas trees here that have all white lights while our largest one – the centerpiece of the entire living room – is brimming with red, blue, orange, green and even pink lights. The lights on our roof are of the multi-colored type (and they’re of the beautiful, ceramic 1970s era, too). We’ve got a wireframe, animated grazing deer in the yard that covered with white lights and three miniature trees that are very colorful flank it.

So, we rather like both that stark white color scheme and something with a bit more whimsical zing to it. The only thing I hate are those horrible flashing things on which half of a tree just goes dark all the sudden. Yuck. The lights here have to be solid – no horrendous and confusing flashing here.

What’s the point to all this rambling? I’m curious – is everyone out there using colorful or all white lights this year? A mixture of the two? Yes, Christmas decorations fascinate me…

Tell me Thursday – hearing aid

For my Wordless Wednesday submission yesterday, I posted a photo of my nephew, Willie, wielding a decorative paddle that his parents own.

What’s it all about? I’ll explain it all for Tell Me Thursday.

My wife snapped that photo of 16-year-old Willie and it pretty well sums up the lad. He’s a hoot, that one, and just tends to do stuff like that, you know?

I’m actually a bit envious of young Willie. He seems to be making plans to head off to the Coast Guard Academy after high school and is obsessed with one day owning a classic muscle car from the 1960s. I hope he succeeds on both counts. He’s at an age that’s perfect for coming up with obtainable goals and figuring out how to achieve them.

My wife took that photo last week when we were visiting her family in northwest Arkansas for Thanksgiving. It turns out that’s about her favorite holiday as she has a large family and they all get together for Thanksgiving. There are no gifts to buy, no real pressure and we all set a day aside to catch up with each other. Fun stuff.

I prefer Christmas to Thanksgiving, but I do see Marci’s point. Christmas is expensive and requires a ton of work – shopping, putting up decorations and everything else. Fortunately, my wife generally shops through the year for gifts and trimmed down our list further by hitting the “black Friday” sales after Thanksgiving. So we can just sit back, relax and enjoy the season (I’ll get my shopping done for her this weekend, but that’s not big deal – I know what I’m getting her and know which stores to visit, so it shouldn’t take long).

I wonder if that “hearing aid” paddle is something that will be passed down from generation to generation…

Wordless Wednesday -- hearing aid

This post is part of the Wordless Wednesday fun.

Music Monday -- A Flock of Seagulls

An almost perfect pop single. Man, I do miss the 1980s...

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The Hummer is back?

During our Thanksgiving break in scenic northwest Arkansas, I noticed something odd going on up there -- a lot of ads for the Hummer.

"The Hummer is back," declared an ad from some car lot in the part of the world as some announcer spoke excitedly about the virtues of owning one of those nasty things.

Wait a minute. I thought the Hummer had become as outdated as the pet rock and the AMC Gremlin. I figured the Hummer had one foot in the grave and the brand's vehicles had been relegated to used car lots around the country.

Here in Benton, Ark., the Hummer lot in town is little more than a parking lot for econo-boxes offered up by Chevrolet.

The Hummer is back? The symbol of everything that was wrong with the U.S. auto industry is making a comeback? People feel confident enough in the economy to blow thousands on vehicles that burn gas like it's still $1 a gallon? Really?

I'm not sure if that's true or not, but here's the truly ironic thing -- GM is in the process of selling Hummer to Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery, a Chinese company (of course).

Actually, that makes sense. China is in the process of buying everything else (and holds more U.S. government debt than will ever be repaid in my lifetime (if at all)), so why shouldn't it own Hummer, too?

The Christmas season kicks off in earnest at Casa de Hawg

Go ahead and take a close look at that photo.

Well, it's not a very good photo. Take a look at it anyway. And I know there's a gap in the string of lights on the roof -- a bulb went out and I've replaced it. So there.

Anyway, that's my 13-year-old son and me celebrating our hard work.

"Look! Look what the men have done," we're boasting. "We've hung up Christmas lights."

That's right -- The Boy and I strung up 125 lights around about half of our roof. We've hung up those mini-light, blue icicle things for the past couple of years but went with those big, ceramic colored bulbs this time. I think we'll stick with the big lights.

Ah, yeah! C-9 bulbs all the way. It's like Christmas in 1975 with all those huge, bright bulbs on our house. It took us a couple of hours but The Boy and I did the hustle and got it done.

Yeah, let the games begin. We love Christmas around here and my wife goes absolutely crazy right after Thanksgiving. We've got three Christmas trees in our house (two in the living room and one in the dining room), a lighted garland for the fireplace mantle, a four-piece ceramic tree that my wife painted, a slew of Christmas candles, a train running around the base of one of the trees and assorted odds and ends. All we're missing, really, is some of those animated yard decorations and a lighted runway for Santa on the roof.

Some people might claim Christmas has become too commercial, but I say phooey on that. In my house, we view setting aside a day to recognize Christ's birth as something to celebrate with gusto. If Christians can't be joyful, then what's the point?

Besides, most of the shopping is done so we can relax, look at our decorations and enjoy the season.

Those Black Friday folks are crazy

Let me start off by saying that not all of those Black Friday fans are nuts.

In fact, my wife gets up bright and early every Friday after Thanksgiving and hits the stores. And who can blame her? Some of the prices are incredibly low and everyone wants to save money, right?

No, the Black Friday shoppers I'm talking about are of a special breed. A crazy breed. A perhaps dangerously insane breed.

Who are the insane Black Friday shoppers? I saw a report on the news the other night about people who started camping out in store parking lots on Tuesday. That's right -- Tuesday.

So, some people went and missed out on Thanksgiving entirely so they could sit in a parking lot and save a few bucks when all hell broke loose on Friday morning. What would drive someone to do that? I honestly don't know. Well, perhaps I do know -- it's insanity that drives some people to such lengths.

My wife, I think, did it the right way. She enjoyed Thanksgiving and made a list of items she wanted in advance. She got up at around 3:30 a.m. (far too early for me, I'm afraid) and hit the stores. While she didn't camp out overnight, she did manage to grab everything she wanted except for one item -- a new HDTV set for our bedroom.

That's not a bad deal. She got to enjoy Thanksgiving with family and will have to make do with the 20" tube television set in our bedroom until we get around to replacing it. Meanwhile, our Christmas shopping is now all but finished. Not a bad day's work.

By the way, we spent the Thanksgiving holiday in northwest Arkansas with my wife's family. The news outlets were all covering Black Friday shopping. My brother-in-law was out with the Black Friday shoppers and he got interviewed by two different television stations. My mother in law recorded the broadcasts on her DVR and, sure enough, he was all over television today.

How cool is that?

Cornpone and Mud Flap revisited (Tell Me Thursday submission)

For my Wordless Wednesday submission yesterday, I posted a photo of my two nieces.

Yes, Cornpone and Mud Flap (nicknames made up at random by me) are 13-month-old twins. Thanks to the inspired folks over at Tell Me Thursday, I feel compelled to mention a little bit about my nieces.

My family and I are spending the Thanksgiving holiday in northwest Arkansas with my wife's family. Young Cornpone and Mud Flap (yes, I'm sticking with those nicknames because I think they're funny) are the daughters of my wife's youngest sister. My sister-in-law and her husband have five children to raise and, as such, they have my sympathy.

While my sister-in-law was at work the other day, my wife, mother-in-law and I got to take care of Cornpone and Mud Flap. It seems they like their Uncle The Hawg, but it is obvious to me that Mud Flap likes me better than her sister does. Regardless, they're fun kids.

Now, we took the twins to the store the other day. My mother-in-law was carrying Mud Flap while I was toting Cornpone. A clerk came up and made a big fuss over Cornpone and got to the point where she asked the question I dreaded -- "What is her name?"

"I'm not really sure," I replied.

The clerk just looked at me.

"Look, they're twins," I explained. "I'm just the uncle. I can't really tell them apart yet, you know?"

She gave me a look that said "you're terrible" all over it. Fine with me. I'll learn to tell them apart one day, I'm sure.

Still, we had a good time with young Cornpone and Mud Flap. It'll be a hoot when they're young enough to come stay with my wife and me down in central Arkansas one of these days. We can spoil the heck out of them and send them back home to their parents so they can raise five kinds of hell.

We've had that happen to us enough when our kids stay in northwest Arkansas for awhile. Turnabout is fair play, right?

Wordless Wednesday -- Cornpone and Mud Flap

Check out the other Wordless Wednesday participant or submit something of your own by clicking here.

Against all logic, health care debate advances

After a drama-filled week, the Democrats bought enough votes (60) to move the health care debate forward.

The final holdout was our own Sen. Blanche Lincoln (D-Ark.) Another holdout -- Sen. Mary Landrieu -- sold her vote for hard, cold cash. It doesn't appear that Lincoln got a thing for voting to move the bill into the debate state.

That's too bad. Landrieu can at least claim she sold out in exchange for $100 million (at least) in federal dollars for her district. Lincoln is left saying she voted to debate a bill she's against so that the Senate can have the opportunity to change it and stuff. Or something like that. She could have at least held out for a few bucks for Arkansas, a cool car or something else of value.

The concern here, of course, is that the latest Rasmussen poll shows that only 38 percent of the country supports the current bill. The bill has already passed the House in spite of the fact an awful lot of congressmen have claimed they are against it and wouldn't vote for final passage if the bill is similar to the one they voted to pass.

Work your way through that logic if you dare. Meanwhile, senators like Lincoln are currently using similar logic, meaning that it's not altogether impossible to suspect the very senators and representatives claiming to oppose this thing will eventually pass it.

It's worth pointing out that the Landrieu example stands as evidence that votes are totally for sale on this bill and proponents of the bill are more than happy to buy them. We saw the same thing with that dreadful bankruptcy reform a few years ago (the credit card industry spent millions buying votes for that piece of slop) and that does appear to be the way business is done these days (just ask General Motors). Shameful. These folks can be bought and it doesn't matter one whit what the people who elected them want.

How did our Arkansas congressional delegation fare? Not surprisingly, that mustache-mumbling Rep. Vic Snyder (D-2nd Dist.) voted to pass the bill in Congress. Rep. Marion Berry (D-1st Dist.) somewhat surprisingly followed suit. Rep. John Boozman (R-4th Dist.) voted "no" as did Rep. Mike Ross (D-3rd Dist.)

In the Senate, Sen. Mark Pryor joined Lincoln in voting to move the bill to debate. That's no surprise, really -- Pryor would vote for legislation authorizing nun beating if the Democrat leadership told him it was a good idea. Rumor has it the man had an original thought 30 years ago and decided he didn't much like it.

It appears there may be some merit to what the Republicans opposing this bill said -- voting to move it to debate is really a vote to pass the bill. These folks are for sale, seem to disregard what their constituents want and are amazingly prone to pressure from leadership. The American public might not want this bill but, by God, we may get it. How's that for representative government?

Music Monday – the Pretenders

Great song from a great band…

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Great commercials of 2009

The other day I posted something commercials that have made me sick or angry this year.

A friend of mine, Jay the Newspaper Guy, read that and suggested that I post something about commercials that I actually liked.

That was a good idea. Most commercials either suck or just plain don’t interest me. There are some, however, that cause me to pause and watch instead of simply skipping over them with my DVR.

That’s the hallmark of a good commercial, isn’t it? I mean, if you can get someone to actually sit down and watch the thing, then you’re more likely to sell whatever junk you’re trying to unload on the public.

So, Jay the Newspaper Guy, these are for you:

1. Miller High Life crusades for common sense. The Miller delivery guy has been depriving the snooty of his beer for a couple of years now. He made his way to the Kentucky Derby in this ad. Great stuff.

2. Castrol Edge reminds you to "think with your dipstick, Jimmy." What’s not to love here? A deranged fellow runs around beating on people with a dipstick. Once you stop asking yourself just what the hell is going on here, you’ll laugh yourself silly.

3. Sonic -- my little tater tot. Raise your hand if you’re married, male and have said something stupid that got you into a lot of trouble. I sure have and that makes this commercial all the funnier – better that cat than me, right?

4. Apple makes fun of Windows 7. Microsoft advises an upgrade? That’s just fine – why not upgrade to a Macintosh? Laffs aplenty…

5. Verizon takes a swipe at Apple. I’ve talked to a number of people who have iPhones who are irate about the limited 3G coverage. Verizon capitalizes on this and beats up on Apple like Apple beats up on Microsoft. Isn’t competition wonderful?

‘They drop turkeys out of airplanes? Really?’

It’s odd how you can live in a state for all your life and be completely ignorant about some of the more colorful history in the region.

Such is the case with me and the Yellville Turkey Trot that’s been going on since 1946. Every year that particular Arkansas town celebrates it’s abundant wild turkey population by holding the Turkey Trot festival on the second Friday and Saturday in October.

The biggest – and least talked about – aspect of the Turkey Trot is the unofficial Turkey Drop. I’ll talk more about that in a minute.

This evening I was talking to my wife about various Thanksgiving/Christmas things when I mentioned that famed episode on WKRP in Cincinnati in which doomed turkeys were hurled out of airplanes. It seems turkeys don’t fly all that well and splattered on the ground, much to the horror of gathered Thanksgiving celebrators.

“That’s based on a real event, you know,” my wife said. “That started in Yellville.”

“No it’s not,” I protested. “Throwing turkeys out of an airplane would be insane.”

I continued to claim that my wife was pulling my leg, so she dug up this story for me. It seems people started tossing wild turkeys of the courthouse roof in Yellville early on and then started dropping the poor things out of low-flying planes in the 1960s. That practice continued until national attention was brought to it by the aforementioned WKRP episode, a story in the National Enquirer and pressure from groups against animal cruelty.

The city got away from the annual “Turkey Drop” around 1990 but, evidently, the practice still continues unofficially. I’ll have to go see that one day. Apparently, some turkeys still fall to their deaths while others survive and either run into the woods or get chased all over town.

Strange, strange, strange.

Take that, peladophobiacs!

Dave the Tech Guy gave me some great news while we were at work the other day – there are people in this world who fear bald people.

Yeah. That’s right. Bald people. Click here if you don’t believe me.

That fear of bald people is called peladophobia and, apparently, those afflicted with it can suffer from “breathlessness, dizziness, excessive sweating, nausea, feeling sick, shaking, heart palpitations, inability to speak or think clearly, a fear of dying, becoming mad or losing control, a sensation of detachment from reality or a full blown anxiety attack.”

And it seems that peladophobia is fairly widespread. As a man who is going bald I couldn’t be happier.

Why? Because the whole thing is just plain funny. Yes, the very notion that my balding head could cause people heart palpitations, filling them with the fear of dying, etc. seems both ridiculous and fair.

Fair? Yes, fair. Going bald is downright annoying and distinctly unfair. Those cocky folks with healthy hairlines are uppity and they deserve getting a heart palpitation or two when they run across some of us who aren’t so blessed.

Peladophobia, then, is just nature’s way of letting some of us get even. We balding men have power and it’s high time we stepped up to the plate and used it.

By the way, is a peladophobiac goes bald, is he scared of himself? I wonder…

Commercials that have made me sick or angry this year

Yes, I’m a confirmed television junkie.

One of the greatest inventions on the planet is the DVR. There’s nothing like a big hard drive built into a digital receiver that allows you to record shows in advance and skip through commercials (or pause a live show long enough so that you can skip away as necessary).

Still, I wind up seeing commercials a heck of a lot more than I like. Some of them have annoyed the hell out of me and the following is a list – in no particular order – of ones that have made me furious or slightly ill this year. I should mention that no political ads were used as they are universally terrible and – remarkably – often contain more filthy lies than what the corporate flim-flam artists dish out in their putrid commercials. Picking on a political ad is just too easy.

1. Chevrolet Silverado vs. Toyota Tundra. What do you do after your company has been bailed out by the federal government because it was so poorly run? Why, hire Howie Long to make fun of people who didn’t buy your company’s products, of course.

A perfect response from Toyota would have been a commercial in which a GM stockholder is ridiculed because he got scammed for millions by a company that was run into ground by short-sighted goons that are skimming by on horribly designed vehicles and billions of federal dollars. Toyota, however, may be too classy for such a move. I doubt that company views GM as serious competition these days, anyway.

I should point out that GM hired Long to make another commercial in which he made fun of a Ford F-150 owner. That’s particularly amusing when you consider that Ford has kicked the hell out of Chevrolet in the pickup truck market for decades. Ford, in fact, is the only American auto manufacturers that has figured out how to make decent cars and turn a profit. GM needs to shut up and release some more innovative designs (that fuel-sipping, asphalt-crushing Camaro, for example) than wasting cash on commercials that are just moronic.

2. Boost Mobile – Unwronged. When this ad first aired, I literally couldn't look at it without feeling more than a bit nauseous. In fact, I still have trouble watching the thing. “Unwronged?” There’s nothing right about this commercial at all.

This “armpit hair” commercial is so sickening, in fact, that I’ll never buy anything that Boost Mobile is selling. Why anyone thought this commercial would result in any sales at all is beyond me. Everyone involved in this commercial in any shape, form or fashion deserves an ass kicking.

3. Trojan Vibrating Touch. Here’s more evidence that society has gone straight to hell. Two women discuss the virtues of the new Trojan Vibrating Touch that “everyone is talking about” at the first of the commercial and it just gets worse from there.

You’ll cringe when the dingbat on the left describes the tiny vibrator as being “so cute.” You’ll roll your eyes when the two women allude to the fact they can get an orgasm from the thing. If you don’t get more than a bit creeped out when the old bat behind the counter joins in the conversation and talks about how easy it was to order hers then you’re just depraved beyond all hope.

As if the first half of the ad wasn’t bad enough, the last part is dedicated to a bunch of testimonials from women who have bought this thing and just love the hell out of it. What in God’s name have we – as a society – done to deserve being tormented by commercials like this? Advertisers want to gripe about people skipping over commercials with DVRs? They’re lucky they don’t get boycotted by outraged viewers in response to this kind of nonsense.

Just try explaining this ad to your kids. Yeah, there’s a fun conversation.

4. Levi Johnston sells Wonderful brand pistachios. So Johnston knocks up Sarah Palin’s daughter then makes fun of the whole incident by starring in a commercial which states that he now “does it with protection.”

Heh, heh. Unwanted teen pregnancies. Now, that’s something to make light of, huh? I can’t decide who is the bigger jerk – Johnston for appearing in this commercial or the pinhead that came up with it.

Show this ad to anyone who wants a textbook definition of the word “tacky.”

5. YellaWood – the adventures of Yella Fella. The above commercial is part of an entire series of these dreadful things. Stiff acting, a fat guy acting like a rough-and-tumble cowboy, embarrassingly bad attempts at humor – this miserable series had it all.

I never heard of YellaWood until the company started tormenting me with these ads. I despise the company now for subjecting me to this trash. I can’t help but think I’m not the only one.

Damn you, Richie Rich

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I’m just downright wacky about television.

I’ve loved it ever since I was big enough to understand what was going on with Sesame Street, Captain Kangaroo and all those Saturday morning cartoons. When I was growing up we didn’t have cable and, really, most people didn’t back in the 1970s.

Ah, and cable just made things worse. My digital satellite service increased my addiction to television because I could waste my time on even more channels.

Yes, television is good and I’ll fight any man who disagrees with me. Still, there are time when TV just annoys the hell out of me.

One of those times was this evening when I was watching TV with my wife. Since we were watching “live,” I couldn’t skip forward through commercials and that was a bad thing. We saw this commercial about that Richie Rich movie starring Macaulay Culkin and I realized just how much I despise Richie Rich. I detest Richie Rich even more than Count Chocula, in fact, and that’s saying something.

I’ve never liked that Richie Rich bastard a bit, really, and never understood why that character got as popular as he did. He’s been around since 1957 – first in comics, then on an animated Saturday morning cartoon in the 1980s and then in the aforementioned movie.

In the Harvey comics he was tagged as “the poor little rich boy.” They should have used some other slogan -- “serving up class envy since 1957” or “things rich kids have that you never will.”

The whole series, see, is based around this kid who has more cash at his disposal than, say, Canada. He lives in Richville and his father owns Rich Industries. Hell, the little brat has a dog named Dollar, for God's sake. The whole thing plays out like a version of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous (another franchise which was inexplicably popular for awhile) for kids.

The series has always struck me as odd for a couple of reasons – it appears to be fueled by an unhealthy fascination with wealth and suggests more than a few times that your problems will be solved if someone with money shows up and helps you out of them. Richie Rich, indeed, spends a lot of time (and money) doing good deeds and appears to be popular in town because of just that.

The message that sends kids, seemingly, is pretty toxic. It appears you can’t accomplish much of anything without a pile of cash. If you don’t have one of your own, then perhaps a wealthy neighbor will let you have some of his and your problems will be solved.

I’d like my kids to be more self reliant than that, I think.

Music Monday - Haunted

One of the best purchases I’ve made in some time is the Behringer Guitar Link.

Why? I can plug my guitar and bass into that little device, run it through the USB port on my computer and record and mix tracks all day long. As I’ve mentioned a time or two, I have decided to use free software to record my stuff. I do rather suck at guitar, after all, so why spend a lot of money on amp models and the like when I can find what I need for free?

Of course, when I say free, I’m not talking about pirated or anything like that. Click one of those links up there to find out about some of the open source stuff I’ve found.

I have an obnoxious tendency to post something here whenever I do find a cool, free thing I can use for recording. An application I downloaded the other day is the HammerHead Rhythm Station.

That’s an easy to use drum machine that sounds pretty good when you install the acoustic samples (you’ll find more details at the above link). Want to hear it in action? Just click the “play” button on the DivShare thingie above to hear something I wrote that would sound even worse without the HammerHead drum machine and a set of acoustic drums samples.

All I had to do was program in my beat, stream it as a WAV file to my computer, loop it through Audacity, load it into my Kristal Audio Engine mixer and record two guitar tracks and a bass track around it.

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craigalytics – an Arkansas invention

The director of technology at my office is this cat named Dave.

Now, Dave the Tech Guy will come up with some dandy stuff from time to time. His most recent invention is called craigalytics (note the groovy lack of capital letters) and you can find it at craigscounter.com. And this craigalytics stuff is available for The Hawg’s favorite price – absolutely free.

So, what is craigalytics and what’s so great about it? Simply put, it provides analytic data for ads on craigslist.com. If you want to see how well your craigslist ad is doing by seeing how many hits it gets, where in the world they are coming from and what times people are looking at it, craigalytics will provide all of that.

What do you have to do to use craigalytics? Just enter your craigslist ad, visit craigslist.com, set up your campaign and insert the generated HTML code into your site. It’s that easy. Oh, and Dave tells me he's added Facebook integration, too, so that happy craigalytics users can share their craigslist ads with their friends.

And, no, I don’t get a dime for posting this about craigalytics (believe me, Dave can’t afford an advertising campaign as he mostly views his invention as something cool that people might like). Hey, this is a pretty slick service developed by a fellow Arkansan who is a friend of mine. That’s worth a blog post, right?

Tell Me Thursday -- Ditto

For my Wordless Wednesday submission yesterday, I posted a photo of a house that was heavily decorated for Christmas and showed how a smarty pants neighbor totally exploited the situation.

Frankly, I’m a bit envious of the neighbor who simply wrote “Ditto” in lights and pointed an arrow at the worker bee’s home. I almost wish I could get away with that little effort.

Ah, but my wife is completely wacky about Christmas. We’ve got three trees that we put up inside and we got a ton of new lights for the outside of our home (this big, colorful outdoor bulbs that were common when I was a kid). It takes the better part of a day to decorate around here, in fact.

Our collection grows annually. This year my wife got heavily into ceramics so we’ve got Mr. and Mrs. Claus to add to our collection and a new nativity set that looks absolutely amazing. By the way, I learned my wife doesn’t think it’s funny to suggest adding a snowman to a nativity set. Go figure.

Honestly, her obsession with Christmas decorations is a good thing. Christmas is the one time of year when you almost can’t go overboard on decorations, so why not spread a bit of cheer, right? We’ve got kids and I’m certain they’ll think fondly of our hyper-decorated house when they’re older. Hopefully they’ll follow in their mother’s footsteps when it comes to decorating when they have homes of their own.

If they take after their lazy old dad, the chances are good they’ll be like that “ditto” neighbor. That might not be bad, either.

This submission is part of the famed Tell Me Thursday event. Click the link to check out the other entries or submit something of your own.

Wordless Wednesday – gearing up for Christmas

This entry is part of the time-honored Wordless Wednesday event. Head on over to check out the other entries or post something of your own.

Music Monday – the Mekons!

Ah, yes. The video for “Memphis, Egypt.” Elvis imagery, up-tempo rock and some guy dressed up like an Arab playing bass. Who could ask for more?

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. One simple rule, leave ONLY the actual post link here. You can grab this code at LJL Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.





PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

Wordless Wednesday -- gun control

This entry is part of the Wordless Wednesday fun. Head on over to post something of your own.

One of the coolest free guitar suites out there?

As I’ve mentioned a time or two on here, I bought a Behringer Guitar Link not too long ago and have been recording tracks on my computer ever since then (click the player above to hear my latest bit of nonsense).

I wanted to get a free mixer and some VST plug-ins for amplifiers (all of that is detailed here) as I figured on finding what was available at no cost before jumping into buying expensive amp modelers and such. I’m happy to report that there is a lot of great stuff available for absolutely free and that anyone with a modern computer and a Behringer Guitar Link can find more effects and guitar models than you can shake a stick at.

One of the best free packages I’ve found out there is the SimulAnalog Guitar Suite (click the link to read more about it and hear some tracks generated with it). Truth be told, the suite models the Marshall JCM900 Dual Reverb and that’s the only thing I use (I’ve got the modeled Fender Twin and the distortion pedals covered with other packages).

That Marshall model is fantastic, indeed. When you combine that with the D.I.G. suite from AcmeBarGig, you’ve got a heck of a lot of range at your fingertips.

Want proof? I’ve attached the above clip to show you what I mean. The lead and distorted chords in the chorus were recorded through the aforementioned JCM900 model and the rhythm guitar track was recorded through a rockabilly setting in the D.I.G. suite (because that “slap back” echo is too cool, but fret not – that D.I.G. suite can get as heavy, distorted and filthy as you want it). The bass track was recorded through the FreeAmp3 package from Fretted Synth (also free).

My guitar is a Fender Stratocaster Deluxe (the only thing in my setup that cost any real money) and my bass is some cheap copy of a Fender Jazz Bass.

Who says you’ve got to spend a lot of money to get good tone? Enjoy the clip!

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. One simple rule, leave ONLY the actual post link here. You can grab this code at LJL Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.




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Welcome aboard, young Samuel Kirk Nobles!

Well, my little brother Zack and his wife Alev now have two children running around the house.

Well, their oldest son – Isaac – is running. Samuel Kirk was born just this week, so I doubt he’s doing much of anything other than crying, eating and being – well – a baby.

The little nipper was born at 4:16 a.m. on Oct. 26 and weighed 6 pounds, 13 ounces (he was a few days early). Oddly, my brother and his wife didn’t name the kid until about Wednesday and that came after months of struggling to find a name.

We’re glad to see young Samuel and – as you can see from the photo above – he seems healthy enough (and notice how tired my brother looks). With Alev and Zack in charge, I have no doubt he’ll grow into a fine young man before long. Those two can take care of all problems from “A” to “Z",” after all. Heh. “A” to “Z.” Zack and Alev. Funny stuff.

It’s late and I’m tired, so have a little mercy, huh?

A fascinating thing about this kid is that my brother and sister-in-law opted to have him at home. That sounded a bit on the pioneerish side, but the child was delivered with no problems and Alev got to rest comfortably at home instead of in a hospital. Perhaps those two knew what they were doing.

I love the middle name of “Kirk,” too. Every time I hear that, I’ll think of the Spizzenergie song in the below video:

Sexual misconduct with a horse?

Being a former newspaperman and a current public relations guy means that I still know a lot of journalists.

Thankfully those folks send me some articles from time to time. A friend of mine sent over an article today about a man who is accused of engaging in sexual misconduct with a horse and then fleeing.

I assume he was fleeing from the cops rather than a possible relationship with the horse.

Now, all this took place in Texarkana. I had hoped it took place on the Texas side. No such luck. The whole thing is being heard on the Arkansas side of the city in Miller County, so we’ve got ourselves a Natural State crime.

Good grief.

I’ve noticed the accused – 57-year-old Harry Johnson – has turned down a pretty good plea bargain. In exchange for a no-contest plea, the defendant was to receive a 60-day sentence in jail with credit for 53 days served.

Not a bad deal as Johnson could go to prison for up to a year if convicted. He has refused to take the plea and I can’t say I blame him. Who wants to go around being known as a horse rapist?

By the way, I wonder if people accused of sexually assaulting animals in Arkansas has to register as a sex offender? Fortunately I don’t practice law anymore so I have the luxury of not giving a damn.

Music Monday – Generation X!

Yes, it’s a young Billy Idol…

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Razorbacks should never play in the morning

Yes, the Arkansas Razorbacks utterly failed against Ole Miss today to the tune of 30-17 on Saturday.

Sadly for the fans of the perinially underachieving Razorbacks, the game started at 11 a.m. Why’s that unfortunate?

Because most of us simply can’t start drinking so early in the day and watching that game sober was a true chore. Yes, it might be easy for a bunch of college kids and 20-somethings to tie on a healthy buzz that early in the day, but some of us have kids and responsibilities to worry about and can’t get good and liquored up to endure a Razorbacks game.

And this game was a horrible one, folks. Watching the Razorbacks lose to a team coached by Houston Nutt is humiliating. That man is about as sharp as a sack of dog poop, yet his team managed to make the Razorbacks look like straight-up fools.

Nutt coached here for a decade and you’d think we’d know better than anyone that he would run the ball constantly. Regardless, Dexter McCluster managed to rack up 332 rushing yards against the Hogs and the defense often looked shocked that a Nutt-coached team would run the damned ball most of the time.

Bobby Petrino was highly touted when he took the head coaching job before last season. He’s now been beaten twice by that moronic Nutt. Twice. The mind boggles. That’s rather like being consistently pranked by the retarded kid in high school.

Meanwhile, I do believe I’ll skip those morning games for the time being.

‘Pet blessing’ photo explained

About a week ago I posted the photo over to the left as part of the famed Wordless Wednesday event.

I meant to post something the next day for Tell Me Thursday, but – didn’t. So I’m getting around to that now.

Frankly, the above photo is one of the better ones that’s been sent to my email address in some time. What’s going on? That was a photo from last year’s pet blessing at Hendrix College in Conway, Ark. (my alma mater).

Now, Hendrix is a Methodist school and it turns out that a lot of churches subscribing to that denomination tend to hold pet blessings annually. The one at Hendrix was cancelled this year due to rain, but it’s great to see that the pup in the photo above appreciated the one last year and gave the college chaplain a little love. The chaplain appears to be a good sport about it all, so kudos to him.

We supposed to take our three-legged dog, Bella, to a Methodist church here in Benton we’ve been attending last week so she could get good and blessed. We missed that event, however, as it was on a Saturday and weekends here tend to get a bit nuts (this past weekend was busier than usual as my wife’s family was in town).

I asked my wife if a freshly-blessed Bella would suddenly have a functioning fourth leg like all the other dogs. I was told such a miraculous event was unlikely and my wife practically called me a heretic for suggesting such a thing.

I keep that wife of mine on her toes, see?

At any rate, I do believe the pet blessing is a nifty little practice and was pleased to hear that Catholics do it, too. It only makes sense that we Methodists would follow suit for what is the Methodist faith but Catholic Lite (most of the ceremony, none of the guilt)?

I’m sure we’ll take Bella to a pet blessing next year. Hopefully she’ll be as appreciative as the dog in the photo.

Hey, Pandora! What if I hate the entire band?

One of the coolest things out there on that Internet (the device all the kids are just wild about) is Pandora.

If you’re not familiar with Pandora, you need to click that link up above and sign up for it. Pandora, essentially, is an Internet radio station that is completely shaped by your tastes in music.

The service is free but you’ll have to pay for some useful upgrades like more hours and such. Here’s how it works – when you first sign up, Pandora will ask you what your favorite band is. From there you are played songs based on your initial preferences so that you can expand into other bands. For example, if you like the Beatles, Pandora might play a Rolling Stones song to see if you like that particular tune, too. If you like it, you can select the “thumbs up” button and it will find similar songs. If you don’t you can select “thumbs down” and it won’t play that song again (and will modify your profile accordingly).

Along the way you have the option of adding other bands and songs to the service to further build your profile. After I chose the Beatles, I went ahead and added some of my other favorites such as the Clash, KISS, Camper van Beethoven, the Pixies, Hank Williams Sr., Howlin’ Wolf, Black Flag, the Sex Pistols, Tom Petty, Carl Perkins, the Darling Buds, etc. While you are encouraged to build various stations for various genres, I kind of like having a Hank Williams Jr. song play immediately following something abrasive by the Pixies.

Hey, that’s what we call variety, right? It keeps things interesting and helps move the day along.

For the most part, Pandora works very well. Based on my initial selections it has picked songs from the Ramones, Buddy Holly, Chuck Berry, Blondie, Led Zeppelin, Motley Crue and a lot of other stuff that I do like. In fact, Pandora has directed me to some great bands that I’ve either forgotten about or haven’t heard of at all – that’s a great thing.

One thing that drives me nuts about the service is that it keeps dredging up bands that I absolutely hate. At this point, I think it’s cycled all the way through Nirvana’s Nevermind in spite of the fact that (I think) I’ve made it clear that I detest almost everything on that album (it is very gratifying to hit the “thumbs down” button when you truly hate something). Regardless, it keeps throwing Nirvana songs at me.

It’s rather like Pandora is saying, “Come on, The Hawg. You really do like Nirvana. I promise!” I’ve gotten the same kind of treatment with Green Day (I’ve always hated that pack of spoiled brats) and Simon & Garfunkel (an act that actually makes me angry when one of its sappy, pointless hits starts playing). The disturbing thing, of course, is that Pandora has played exactly two Beatles songs for me, no Black Flag and no Sex Pistols – those are bands I like, so why the hell do I keep hearing Nirvana instead of them?

I realize there are some folks out there who regard a strong dislike of Nirvana, Green Day or Simon and Garfunkel as heresy, but that’s not the point. To those folks I say this – just think of a band you really, really hate and imagine the fun you’d have if Pandora played them at you regularly.

Yeah. See what I mean? Sucks, doesn’t it?

Is there a point to all this? Sure there is. I think it would be great if Pandora offered an “I hate this band” button in addition to an “I don’t like this song” one. That would save a lot of trouble.

By the way, there is a very nifty device out there that has to do with Pandora. It’s a portable radio that streams Pandora wherever you have an Internet connection. It’s the Livio Pandora Internet Radio and you can read a review of it here.

This is not, by the way, a paid post. I just think that radio is pretty cool even though my wife declared it’s a “waste of money.” Thought it might make a nice Christmas present for her. I’m glad I asked her about it before I bought it.

At any rate, I would encourage everyone to rise up and demand from Pandora an “I hate this band” button. The world would be a better place, wouldn’t it?

Music Monday -- “She Cracked” by the Modern Lovers

From way on back in 1972!

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Thanks for nothing, AT&T U-Verse

For the past year or so, AT&T U-verse has been calling my house and trying to get us to become customers.

For those unfamiliar with U-Verse, it’s pretty slick. I finally said “OK” to AT&T and arranged to drop my AT&T DSL, AT&T phone service and Dish Network satellite for a U-Verse bundle. We were all set to pick up phone, Internet access and TV service – complete with a DVR and 80 high definition channels – for about $130 a month (for the first year, anyhow).

That’s a heck of a deal, kids. Unfortunately, we’re not able to get U-Verse. Why? They sent some folks out here and told us we live too far from the U-Verse switch to activate the service.

In other words, I’ve been hounded on a weekly basis for something I can’t get. Didn’t it occur to them to check and see whether I could actually get U-Verse before they started their relentless calls? What the hell is going on over there? Have they heard of the public relations pitfalls of pulling such things?

The sad thing about this is that the U-Verse service looks very, very cool. Up to four televisions can utilize the receiver and happy U-Verse customers can record up to four shows while watching another one.

Sadly, I’m not a happy U-Verse customer. I’m not a U-Verse customer at all, in fact. Instead, I’m stuck paying $90 per month for a standard definition digital DVR (and two additional receivers) through Dish Network.

So now I’m mad at U-Verse (because I can’t get that service) and Dish Network (for offering an expensive service that isn’t that great).

AT&T should have left well enough alone. Ignorance is bliss, after all.