Baby proof that house

Back when I was just a little The Hawg, I burned the heck out of myself on a furnace.

How? I was learning to walk and I pulled up on it. My mom tells me that was a scary event – almost as bad as the time I shut myself in a refrigerator when mom was cleaning it out.

Here’s the thing – infants and toddlers can get hurt easily. So, baby proofing a home is important, right? To protect the little critters, then, items such as baby gates and cabinet locks are important.

You can find out about such safety items and even take a look at a blog about child safety over at KidSafe. Pay that site a visit, huh?

Music Monday – Wall of Voodoo

Just the thing for a Monday morning. Enjoy!

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. One simple rule, leave ONLY the actual post link here. You can grab this code at LJL Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.

More proof that The Hawg is great

I had this great idea for Father’s Day this year.

My son is out of town visiting my wife’s family, but I figured I could still have a good time with my daughter and my wife on the holiday, right? I told them that it would be dandy fun if they took 30 minutes or so to simply tell me how great I am.

Strangely, they refused to do that. Oh well.

At least Windy over at Windmill on the Hill thinks I’m great and has presented me with the “Over the Top” award (great content over there and the layout absolutely puts my little blog to shame – click that link up there and go visit).

I appreciate the award, certainly. I’m terrible at passing these on, however. So, I’ll leave it at this – if you also think The Hawg is great and you own a blog, grab a copy of this award for your very own. Anyone who will acknowledge my greatness is obviously someone of taste and sophistication and deserves an award.

A cold day in hell?

I have absolutely hated Microsoft for years.

Specifically, I’ve hated that company ever since I got a copy of DOS 4.0 and thought it broke my computer. Yes, that operating system made my computer lock up regularly and that was unusual back then.

I hate Microsoft for Windows 3.1, Windows 95 and Windows 98. I avoided Windows ME and was stunned when Windows XP turned out to be a solid OS.

I hate the fact that everything in the world is compatible with Microsoft so you feel like an oddball if you’re using something else. I hate the fact my wife blocked my attempts to buy a Mac. I’ve wished that company nothing but ill for about two decades now.

So, when Microsoft does something right – well, that’s worth mentioning. Folks, Windows Live Writer is a heck of a program. It’s free, fast, small and makes blogging a whole lot easier.

I’m using it to deal with this post, in fact, and I love it. What is it? Simply put, it’s a word processor that is dedicated to blogging and it’s far easier to use than the text editors that are built into blogs.

To set up my Windows Live Writer, I simply gave it my blog address and password. The program is now tailored to work with Blogger and I was up and running within seconds after installing Live Writer. And I don’t have to deal with weird things like junk code and such popping up here and there (a problem with more than a few Internet-based text editors). Furthermore, I can simply save a post and get back to it later through Live Writer, pull posts directly from my blog and fool with them through the program and do all sorts of neat things.

One of my favorite features is the photo editing one which allows the user to throw all kinds of effects on a photo (“color pop” and “tilt” are my favorites, and I’ll get around to using that sepia filter one of these days).

While there are some great features that come standard with Live Writer, there’s also a “plug-in” option that allows for some heavy customization of the program. Microsoft maintains a site full of plug-ins and there’s an active community coming up with all kinds of handy stuff.

Every now and again it seems Microsoft can get something right. That’s good to know.

Not surprisingly, that’s my kid…

For my Wordless Wednesday entry yesterday, I posted the dandy photo just off to the left.

That’s a photo of the Benton Maniacs – a softball team to which my daughter, Brenda, proudly belonged.

Yes, those seven and eight-year-old girls had a tough time of it this year. They won two games this season and one of those was by forfeit.

This photo was taken right before their final game of the season. Obviously, the win-loss record didn’t get their spirits down. That’s a good thing.

The photographer told them to “act silly,” perhaps as an attempt to relax the kids. The resulting photo is my favorite one of the lot.

My kid, by the way, is the oddball wearing the wrong jersey. That kind of thing happens when you give kids two different uniforms – invariably, there will be one child who will wear the wrong one. Of course, my girl turned out to be “that kid” on picture day.

Oh, yeah.

Anyway, the odds were stacked against the Maniacs this season. A softball team, see, has 10 players on it. The Maniacs’ roster had but 10 girls on it, meaning there were no substitutes available. The Maniacs wound up fielding eight or nine players more often than not, so their record should really come as no surprise.

At any rate, the children had a good time this year and that’s what counts, right?

This entry is part of the Tell Me Thursday event – a project that I think is a great idea.

Wordless Wednesday -- those wacky Maniacs!

Be sure to view the other Wordless Wednesday entries (or submit something of your own).

Music Monday -- the Beatles

Ah, "Strawberry Fields Forever." One of my favorites of all time. Enjoy!

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. One simple rule, leave ONLY the actual post link here. You can grab this code at LJL Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.

The Hawg makes a wise purchase...

My wife tells me I've got too many video game systems around here, so I bravely defied her and bought another one off of eBay tonight.

I couldn't help it.

Let me explain. I've got an Atari 2600, an Atari 7800, a Nintendo Enterainment System (NES), a Sega Genesis, a Sony Playstation, a Nintendo 64, a Sega Dreamcast, a Nintendo Game Cube and a Nintendo Wii around here. A few years ago, I sold my Magnavox Odyssey 2 (because it wasn't that great) and my ColecoVision blew up. I also got rid of an Atari Jaguar because it is the Chrysler Sebring of the gaming world. As for handhelds, I've got an Atari Lynx, Sega Game Gear and Nintendo Game Boy SP.

With all that and the tons of games stored all over the place, why would I go out and buy another system? That's kind of complicated.

Not too long ago, our beloved 29" RCA television gave up the ghost. We've got to replace it and we're getting one of those huge, HDTV things in the next week or two. I thought the NES would look great on it, but there's a problem there.

As any NES fan knows, the original, front loading systems are problematic when they get older -- that 72-pin monstrosity that curves all over the place just plain goes bad after a time. A few years ago, I picked up a much more reliable top loader unit, but there is a problem with that system in that it has no RCA plugs. You've got to rely on that weird RF box to connect the thing to a television set and I'm afraid it would look absolutely horrible on a huge screen. If it doesn't look to great on an old 29" television, how bad will it be on a large high definition set?

So, I went out and bought the beautiful red and gold system pictured above -- the Retro Duo. Believe it or not, that thing has S-Video outputs and (I'm told) can play both NES and SNES games and use all those cool SNES controllers. So I plunked down $45 on eBay and got one tonight. I'll have flawless video and the reviews on it make me hopeful I can play SNES and Super Famicon games as well as my existing NES library. Not bad, huh?

Hey, there's not much I can do for the old Ataris and my trusty Sega Genesis has RCA plugs built it. And, of course, there are no connectivity issues with the newer systems I own. I figure replacing my old top loader NES with the Retro Duo was a good move.

It's too bad my wife doesn't agree. We'll see what she thinks when we're playing Super Mario Kart or she's zipping through a Zelda adventure, huh?

Of course, I'll post up a full review of the thing once it comes in. I can hardly wait.

Little Rock's best kept secret and turning 40-years-old

Since I live in scenic Benton, Ark., and commute about 20 miles a day to get to work in Little Rock, I wind up going out for lunch quite a bit.

My friend Dave and I head to a spot called the Chinese Kitchen at 11401 N. Rodney Parham Road quite a bit. We love the heck out of it as it's both inexpensive and tasty as can be.

Just today, I got pepper steak with an egg roll (a darn good one if you like that type of thing) and some of the best fried rice on the planet (just a little egg, soy sauce and pork -- nothing weird). Throw in a root beer and my bill came to $5.48. Outstanding.

I've never had anything bad there, in fact. The portions are plentiful, the ingredients are fresh and you just can't beat the place if you're interested in some Chinese food for lunch (or whenever else).

There are only a few drawbacks to the place, really. The lunch menu could stand to be a little larger and they make a very good catfish fillet (seriously!) but don't provide lemon for it. Also, the restaurant is very small as it seems to be mostly geared for takeaway orders (we've never had a problem finding a table, though). Finally, the restaurant is closed on Monday and that's thrown us for a loop at least twice.

There are a few places off the beaten path in Little Rock that are well worth discovering. The Chinese Kitchen is one of them.

Turning 40-years-old sucks

As I whined about last week, my 40th birthday was on June 16. I'm not happy about it one bit.

Luckily, I made it home on the afternoon of my birthday from some out-of-town meetings. The kids are gone (my son is in northwest Arkansas visiting my wife's family and my daughter is at a Girl Scout camp) so we'll have the place to ourselves until Friday afternoon.

That's pretty nice, actually. We've not been able to do things like finish conversations with each other for years.

Hanging out with my wife without a child running past and making racket every few minutes has certainly taken the edge off of officially hitting middle age. Don't get me wrong -- having the kids back in the house will be great. Regardless, I'm enjoying the quiet.

And that's when...

Take a good look at the above photo as it's very important.

That was made by my friend Dave for two reasons. He obviously hates Halle Barry (I'm not sure why). But Dave put that photo together to illustrate a concept we came up with a couple of years ago.

Back then, there was this fellow who was found in a bush outside of a hotel. He got extremely drunk and was discovered crying and covered in his own vomit. He had also managed to pee his pants.

So we developed a phrase to describe the exact point where an individual experiences the most intense personal humiliation imaginable -- "That's when he pissed himself."

Yeah, it's great stuff. Think about this example. There was a prosecuting attorney a few years ago who liked to cavort with female prisoners. He was caught in the act with one.

What happened next? He lost his job, his wife left him and his career was over. So the exact moment when he was caught with the prisoner is the one that marked the beginning of the period where he lost everything.

That's when he pissed himself.

Remember Gary Hart? It looked like he might have a shot at the presidency in 1988 until he was caught with Donna Rice. Henceforth, he will be known as the guy who was caught with Rice and is politically dead as Geraldine Ferraro.

That's when he pissed himself.

You see? That's one powerful phrase there, isn't it? I hope it catches on and is trotted out whenever someone engages in activity that is so humiliating there's just no other good way to describe it.

Little Rock -- not even the ice cream man is safe

While murder and mayhem has become commonplace in Little Rock, a story from this weekend was shocking enough for even people used to the city's skyrocketing crime rate to take notice.

It seems a couple of teenage thugs decided to shoot an ice cream vendor on Saturday. It seems 23-year-old Holly Crain had the audacity to try to make a living by selling ice cream in southwest Little Rock when a couple of punks hot her inside her ice cream van.

Crain, fortunately, appears to be recovering just fine. She told the cops a couple of toughs demanded money from her while she was on the job. She handed it over and then was shot by one of the grateful kids. Two 16-year-olds connected to the shooting have been nabbed and charged with robbery, theft and attempted murder.

Folks, that whole story is just pitiful and stands as more proof at what a filthy cesspool our capitol city has become. Not even an ice cream vendor is safe in Little Rock these days? What the hell is going on in that city, anyway?

I've become used to hearing about shootings in Little Rock. The fact an ice cream vendor was shot strikes me as particularly pitiful, however. Perhaps the ice cream salesmen should consider purchasing some heavy armor and armed escorts.

Actually, this month has been fairly atypical for Little Rock so far. Sure, we're used to turning on the evening news here in central Arkansas and hearing about the latest shootings in Little Rock, but the ice cream incident was unusual. One that was downright detestable happened last week when two soldiers were shot outside an Army recruitment center in west Little Rock.

In that incident, one soldier -- Quinton Ezeagwula -- survived while the other one -- 23-year-old William Long of Conway, Ark. -- did not. The shooter, 23-year-old Carlos Bledsoe, has been caught and charged in connection with the shooting.

It turns out that shooter was born Carlos Bledsoe but changed his name to Abdulhakim Mujahid Muhammad. He's a Little Rock resident and a Muslim with a chip on his shoulder. Neither one of those facts is particularly surprising.

"I wouldn't live in Little Rock if you gave it to me," my grandfather once said.

I do believe he was right. My family is from Benton, which is located about 20 miles southwest of Little Rock. I live in Benton, too, but work in Little Rock like over half the workforce here in Saline County (seriously -- the Benton Chamber of Commerce has stats to back up that statement).

Back around 1981, Saline County lost its major employers when Alcoa and Reynolds packed up and left the area. Nothing has emerged to replace the jobs that were lost back then so a lot of us head to Little Rock to work.

Meanwhile, plenty of Little Rock residents who have gotten sick of the crime and nastiness of Little Rock have fled to Benton and Bryant in Saline County, Cabot in Lonoke County and Conway in Faulkner County. It is the hope of a lot of residents in Saline County and other areas that have grown due in part to the exodus from Little Rock that we'll attract some employers as populations grow.

That would suit me just fine. I'm sick of the commute and it would appear that you never know when someone in Little Rock will show up waving a gun around and shooting people. Just this month, we've had a couple of soldiers shot while standing outside of a recruitment center and an ice cream vendor shot for (apparently) the sheer hell of it.

Over the past 10 months, we've also had the chairman of the Arkansas Democrat Party shot dead in his office in Little Rock, a television reporter killed in her bed in the Heights (one of the better areas of town) and a bunch of diners at two Waffle Houses terrified as those stores were robbed at gunpoint within minutes of each other. Actually, that was kind of a funny story -- the crook stopped to demand a sandwich while he was robbing the Waffle House on West Markham and got shot in the butt by the cops when he ran out of the restaurant.

Of course, you've had a lot of people get shot and killed over the past 12 months in Little Rock. It's hard to keep up with them all because shooting happen about as frequently as the weather changes in that town.

At any rate, granddad was right. Little Rock isn't worth a damn.

You, too, can cuss like Ty Cobb!

A few months ago, I promised to either come up with a new interjection or revive an old one as my gift to the world on my 40th birthday.

At long last, I'm ready to reveal the results of months of intensive research and thought. I should first mention that I'm unleashing this interjection on the world a bit early -- my 40th birthday is June 16, but I'll be out of town on business that day so I doubt I'll be blogging much on my actual birthday.

So, what's my new interjection? I've borrowed from one of baseball's greatest players, Ty Cobb, that hasn't been used in some time -- fee simple.

Yeah! That's one that you can really get a hold of and spit at people. For example:

That Ty Cobb was one fee simple son of a bitch!

Out of town and working on my birthday? Those fee simple bastards!

Oh, yeah! That Ty Cobb was a complete mess, but he knew how to cuss and his "fee simple" modifier just makes any obscenity or interjection infinitely more vile. Of course, one question must be answered -- what does it mean?

I appreciate the modifier because of my legal background, see. Let's say I own a fee simple estate in a plot of land. That means I own it absolutely and my claim to it is superior to any other.

So, let's say I call someone a fee simple bastard. I am claiming, then, that individual owns the title of bastard and that all others who are called bastards are mere pikers compared to the "fee simple" one. That particular individual is a Bastard (note the capital B) in a world full of bastards.

Besides, phrases such as "fee simple bastard" and "fee simple son of a bitch" are just fun to spit at people through clenched teeth.

So, there it is. And, by the way, contemplating turning 40-years-old is a fee simple bitch. What a fee simple suck-ass age. Damn.

The filthy truth behind M&M's

There are some things in this world that just bug the hell out of me.

One of those things is how cheap, nasty milk chocolate simply dominates the desert and candy industries. That garbage has only grown in popularity since I was a kid and it appears that no end is in site. I well remember a few years ago when my wife made a beautiful cheesecake and then dumped filthy, disgusting chocolate all over it.

I could have cried. I might have cried, in fact.

At any rate, the most vile invention in the already evil chocolate world is M&M's. That slop is the Chicken McNuggets of the chocolate world -- candy made with the cheapest crap available but one that has thrived thanks to an insidious marketing campaign.

Ah, but there's a nasty little secret to M&M's -- that particularly anti-American and environmentally unsound candy was originally developed by the Nazis. Yes, the Mars Company folks (those filthy dogs!) like to claim that stuff was made available to U.S. soldiers in World War II.

That's partially true. M&M's were developed by Hitler's Germany for the express purpose of crushing the morale of American troops. Thanks to a handy tool over at the Mars (those filthy dogs!) Internet site, I was able to design some custom M&M's so that they appear exactly as they did when Hitler and his boys were flinging them at our troops.

Yeah, that's right. Those horrible things were tossed at hungry American troops and bore such messages as "Sieg Hiel!" and "Hitler is great." Go ahead and take a look at the authentic reproductions of the original M&M's at the top of this post. The folks at Mars (those filthy dogs!) should be ashamed of themselves for participating in such madness and actively attempting to undermine the Allies.

We all know that little Forrest Mars got in a spat with his daddy and sulked around Europe prior to World War II, right? The folks at Mars (those filthy dogs!) will tell you that Forrest came up with the Mars Bar and M&M's while he was throwing his hissy fit and he put those in production when he came back to the U.S.

That story is only half true. What was Forrest really doing in Europe? He was working on a candy bomb for the Nazis -- a treat that would explode when broken with a tooth and wipe out platoons of soldiers. We are somewhat fortunate that Forrest scrapped his candy bomb plans and fell back on simply making his evil, awful and nauseating M&M's.

He failed to make a candy bomb, so he went for the next best thing -- a piece of low-grade chocolate covered by the same candy shell that graces Drixoral tablets. The hard shell was essential, see, because it was durable enough so that the Nazis could stamp their propaganda directly on it.

Yeah, go ahead and call me crazy. However, just remember this -- whenever you eat an M&M, you're enjoying a treat that was developed by the Nazis. Don't fall for slick marketing campaigns featuring "cute" pieces of talking candy. Put down those M&M's and pick up a good, American treat instead.

Will Conan suffer the same fate as Leno?

Conan O'Brien, at long last, made his debut Monday as the new host of The Tonight Show.

I was glad to see Jay Leno go, but I can't help but wonder if O'Brien will suffer the former host's fate. Years ago, Leno was a rising young comedian who was an absolute hoot.

Ah, but he took over The Tonight Show from Johnny Carson and became, well, boring. His hyperactivity and unpredictability was toned down and the man became annoying conservative in his approach -- Leno went from a unique comedian to a man who seemed petrified of taking any chances. Leno, upon taking over from Carson, immediately became predictable, trite and more than a bit boring.

Well, Leno's gone and along comes O'Brien. An irreverent fellow who thrived on the absurd and making fun of himself at any given opportunity. Some of the old Conan was present during his Tonight Show debut, but there was something else there, too -- everything just felt, well, so scripted.

When O'Brien hosted Late Night, the whole thing was a mess. Yes, it was a lot of fun, but it was a sloppy mess, nonetheless. Things rarely felt so "scripted," you know? That same feel just wasn't present on Monday night. Yes, the show kicked off with O'Brien making a "to do" list of things to do prior to taking over for Leno. Ah, but wait! He forgot to move to Los Angeles, so we had that play out for a bit prior to Conan's arrival and blah, blah, blah. It seemed just too slick, too well rehearsed. So unlike an O'Brien skit, in fact.

You had to be watching to get the full impact, of course. Oh well.

What was disturbing and can be described is that drummer Max Weinburg -- the man who's banter with Conan was always a highlight of the old show -- was pushed to the background. Andy Richter was back in the fold (he was with O'Brien during the early days of Late Night,) but he was shoved in the background, too. That left us with just O'Brien -- a man who's funny as hell but does need some lackeys to bounce things off of from time to time. Those lackeys were pushed to the background, and that just made things less (seemingly, of course) spontaneous.

At least Pearl Jam showed up and kicked ass.

Hopefully, O'Brien will get more comfortable in his role as host of The Tonight Show and get back to his old shenanigans. I sure hope so. Otherwise, late night on NBC will be pretty much pointless. Jimmy Fallon is busily wrecking O'Brien's old show, so I at least hope Conan returns to form on The Tonight Show.

We'll just have to see, huh?

An inspiration to troublemakers everywhere

My 12-year-old son, Michael, is in the sixth grade.

This year, he made the honor roll and learned today that he is in advanced band next year. Oh, and he also won a math award this year and has been assigned to every available advanced placement class next year.

The kid is an inspiration. Why? Because he's proven that a student can spend roughly half the year in the vice principal's office and still do well in school.

Am I exaggerating? A bit, of course, but this year he's been paddled, suspended, sent to detention hall, sent to Saturday school and has generally raised hell.

Oh, there have been many incidents this year, but the best (worst?) of the lot involved him pulling an Eric Cartman routine on a kid. Yes, we've tried to keep the kid away from South Park, but it appears we've failed as young Michael flipped off a kid this year and yelled "suck my balls!" at him.

That whole incident put me in a terrible position. That's funny as hell, but I couldn't exactly pat Michael on the back, could I? That's one of those times I had to do my parental duty of telling the boy I was disappointed in him for behaving in such a manner.

I should have known what we were in for back when Michael was in kindergarten. He was at recess going across the monkey bars when two older kids started to mess with him. He kicked one in the face then jumped on the other kid and started beating on him.

And this child is an honor student? Believe it. His teachers have been routinely frustrated by him as he's misbehaved, corrected them when they've gotten facts wrong, disrupted more than a few lectures and he still keeps those grades high with little effort.

No, Michael simply won't sit down, shut up and do what he's told. He may well grow up to be something other than a corporate drone, lackey or whipping boy one day. I can't help but think that's not altogether bad.

Go get 'em, kid.

A joke in poor taste?

I told my wife a joke the other day and she didn't like it one bit. Here it is:

The Hawg: What's the difference between Mary Tyler Moore and a lawyer?

Marci Kay: I don't know, most wonderful husband on the planet. What is the difference between Mary Tyler Moore and a lawyer?

The Hawg: Mary Tyler Moore never passed a bar.

Now, Marci thought I was being mean by throwing out a joke that makes fun of a recovering alcoholic. I responded with some logic my dad passed on to me years ago -- nothing is too mean if it's funny enough.

What do y'all think?

Hey! I've been married for 10 years!

Yesterday, I posted a photo of my wife, Marci, and me as part of the "Wordless Wednesday" festivities.

Tonight, I'll explain a bit of that photo as part of the dandy "Tell Me Thursday" festivities. Yes, that particular photo is one of the lovely Marci and me way on back in 1999 when we were still newlyweds. Today, we celebrated our 10th anniversary and I couldn't be happier.

We've been through lot. I adopted her son, Michael, who was two-years old when Marci and I got married. She miscarried twice before giving birth to a beautiful baby girl named Brenda who is eight years old now. We've each gone through career changes and a life-changing move a few years ago from her native northwest Arkansas to my home turf here in Benton, Ark. We've been through my being diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and all the misery that comes with that.

Having been married once before, I was a bit apprehensive about going through all that again. Thanks to Marci, I've learned how great marriage can be and, indeed, how it is supposed to be. I know she'll always be in my corner and that counts for a lot. She's been nothing short of an incredible wife and mother over the past 10 years and this little family's source of constant strength and resourcefulness.

Do I still love my wife after 10 years? You'd better believe it. When I was a kid I was told in church that God has an ideal "someone" for each of us. I thought that was garbage at the time. I'm proud to report I was wrong.

Happy anniversary, Marci. You know, things turned out pretty darned well for us, huh?

10 years already? Happy anniversary, Marci Kay!

This entry is part of the weekly Wordless Wednesday event. Head on over and check out the other entries or submit something of your own.

'The Dynasty of the Unmasked Elder'

Ever since I was just a little The Hawg way on back in the 1970s, I've loved the hell out of that rockin' KISS band.

A lot of us who were kids when KISS was the big deal will agree that the band hit the ground running with its self-titled release in 1974, peaked around the time of 1977's Love Gun and KISS Alive II and started to fall to pieces around the time every member of the band released solo albums in 1978 and was a total mess by the time the dreadful Music from "The Elder" was released in 1981. Ah, I remember those times well. I purchased the Dynasty album in 1979 when I was a mere lad of 10-years-old and then ignored the band until the very good Creatures of the Night came out in 1982.

At any rate, KISS released three very wobbly albums from 1979 through 1981 -- Dynasty, Unmasked and Music from "The Elder." Separately, those albums go from fair-to-middling (Dynasty) to outright laughable (The Elder). Ah, but digital technology is a wonderful thing because one can rip those three discs to MP3s, remove the junk and come up with an album that's pretty darned good. I did just that and came up with a fantastic CD that I like to call The Dynasty of the Unmasked Elder.

I'll explain just which songs are keepers and which ones are stinkers and the reasons for my informed choices so that you, too, might compile your very own copy of The Dynasty of the Unmasked Elder. Ready? Here we go!

Dynasty (1979)

Here is where it was really, really obvious that something was wrong with KISS. The band entered the studio on the top of the world and managed to record an unfocused collection of songs that was highlighted by a damned disco tune. To make matters worse, drummer Peter Criss was in such horrible shape that he was replaced by Anton Fig -- the drummer on the David Letterman show and the fellow who appeared on Ace Frehley's solo album back in 1978. The only member of the band that seemed to care about what was going on was guitarist Ace Frehley, who was responsible for the best stuff on the album even when things were going to hell in a handbasket all around him. By the way, when I was a kid we had a great amount of fun calling this album Dentistry for some reason. Dynasty will never be considered a great KISS album, but it does have it's merits although most of the songs are decidedly second-tier. Here's how I butchered it:

1. "I Was Made for Lovin' You" (Paul Stanley, Vini Poncia, Desmond Child) = stinker. Good grief. What's the logical move after bringing in soft rock producer Vini Poncia to slick up your album? Go and hire Desmond Child to help write a damned disco song. KISS + disco = suck, suck, suck.

2. "2,000 Man" (Mick Jagger, Keith Richards) = keeper. Yes, Ace Frehley covers a psychedelic Rolling Stones songs and turns into a riff-chugging rocker. Great stuff.

3. "Sure Know Something" (Stanley, Poncia) = keeper. Yeah, it's more soft rock than, well, rock-rock, but Paul Stanley gives a great vocal performance and the mid-tempo thing actually has some memorable hooks. Not bad at all.

4. "Dirty Livin'" (Criss, Poncia, Stan Pendridge) = stinker. I almost included this one because it was the last thing that Peter Criss had anything to do with before he was replaced by Eric Carr. The cat man's voice is a strained mess and he sounds like he's drumming while wearing a pair of boxing gloves. Some people might like it for sentimental reasons, of course, but it's a pretty rotten song on the whole. It at least serves a reminder of why drug-addled, worn-out Criss was booted out of KISS.

5. "Charisma" (Gene Simmons, Howard Marks) = keeper. Gene Simmons -- that fire breathing, blood spitting demon of a bassist -- was at his best when being conceited, filthy and more than a little depraved. This groove-heavy tune has all those elements present and is one of the hardest hitting things on the disc. It's just too bad it was hampered by glossy production.

6. "Magic Touch" (Stanley) = stinker. This, folks, is the sound of Paul Stanley simply not giving a damn. This clunky, unmemorable slice of misery sounds like the kind of thing that should have only surfaced on a rarities album. Yuck.

7. "Hard Times" (Frehley) = keeper. Simmons and Stanley may have started to lose interest in what the band was up to, but Frehley seized on the opportunity to write a bunch of songs and provide the lead vocals (he wrote some classics like "Cold Gin" and gave them to other band members to sing, you know). This up-tempo song simply moves and sounds like something the forerunners of pop metal should have been banging out instead of wasting their time on disco songs. Yes, here Ace wax poetic about getting in trouble while growing up and generally sticking up for losers and morons around the world. Great.

8. X-Ray Eyes (Simmons) = keeper. A mid-tempo song in which Simmons fantasizes about getting revenge on a woman who did him wrong. Simmons' spiteful rants make this one a dandy time, and how about those backward cymbal splashes that sound like they were lifted right out of the end of the Beatles' "Strawberry Fields Forever?"

9. Save Your Love (Frehley) = keeper. Every ex-husband in the world ought to love this one, folks. Yes, Frehley generally tells a woman to beat it while chugging guitar riffs and a very respectable solo carry the song.

Unmasked (1980)

What the hell happened here? More light rock, more production work by Vini Poncia, more unmemorable songs and more glossy, glossy mixing. Peter Criss was off wandering somewhere again while Anton Fig filled in for him and Ace Frehley, once again, stepped up to the plate and provided some great songs while Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley didn't even bother trying on this one. Yes, Criss is on the album cover but didn't have a thing to do with this one -- a fact that pretty well sums up the state of the band at that point in time. To say Unmasked is a bad album is putting it too kindly. Still, there are some decent songs here and there:

1. "Is that You?" (Gerard McMahon) = keeper. Who the hell is Gerard McMahon? I have no idea, but this song is a great vehicle for Paul Stanley and the song turns into a bit of a filthy rocker. Oddly, this song is an indictment of a 17-year-old, trampy girl who sounds very much like she's living the kind of life long advocated by KISS.

2. "Shandi" (Stanley, Poncia) = stinker. As least as bad as "I was Made for Lovin' You," if not worse. Boring pop garbage all the way.

3. "Talk to Me" (Frehley) = keeper. Yes, Ace shows up with a great riff, some charming hooks and a wonderfully naive "boy meets girl" song. Reminds me of being a starry-eyed teen and that's rarely a bad thing.

4. "Naked City" (Simmons, Poncia, Bob Kulick, Pepe Castro) = stinker. It took four people to write this wandering, clunky piece of trash? Really? This is one of those songs you'll forget as soon as it's over. Thank God for that. The song by committee approach was a terrible, terrible idea.

5. "What Makes the World go 'Round" (Stanley, Poncia) = stinker. If you don't want to corner Vini Poncia in a dark alley and beat him senseless after listening to this go-nowhere nonsense, you're a stronger person than I am.

6. "Tomorrow" (Stanley, Poncia) = keeper. Yes, it's more light rock and that evil Vini Poncia is involved, but the hooks are larger than Paul Stanley's ego and the chorus just plain soars. It's predictable and more than a bit silly, but it's a heck of a lot of fun.

7. "Two Sides of the Coin" (Frehley) = keeper. Yes, Frehley tosses out a bunch of amazingly obvious philosophy, but the thing holds together quite well. Besides, this song is one of the few up-tempo, enjoyable moments on the album.

8. "She's so European" (Simmons, Poncia) = stinker. Vini Poncia strikes again and this time he takes Gene Simmons down with him. Perhaps he got bored with writing rotten songs with Paul Stanley. Who knows? This one is completely forgettable (once again, that's a good thing -- I'd kill myself if this song had even one hook that kept circulating around in my head). Ugly, slick and miserable.

9. "Easy as it Seems" (Stanley, Poncia) = stinker. Wow. This is one horrible, tiresome little song. Again, this is one that makes you want to simply beat Vini Poncia with a baseball bat. There's not a single hook here -- just a bunch of bleating from Paul Stanley and a band that sounds like it's run out of things to say.

10. "Torpedo Girl" (Frehley, Poncia) = keeper. I'm not sure why Poncia got a credit here because this is an Ace Frehley song all the way. It's nothing but big, dumb sex and some wonderfully busy guitar licks from Ace. Play it loud.

11. "You're all that I Want" (Simmons, Poncia) = stinker. After awhile, you get the idea that most of the songs Vini Poncia wrote sounded pretty much the same. Here's another one that's clunky, overly dramatic and about as appealing as the sound made by a trash can that's full of rocks and rolling down a hill.

Music from "The Elder" (1981)

Wow. This is really bad. Worse than bad. Downright terrible. Trying to describe how awful this album is will remind you just how limiting the English language actually is. This album is so rotten the Germans probably developed a word full of growling sounds and hard syllables just to describe Music from "The Elder." Here's all you really need to know. It's a pretentious concept album with a story line that's impossible to follow and a bunch of orchestration. It just doesn't sound like KISS at all. Peter Criss was out of the band by this time and was replaced by Eric Carr. One has to feel to feel a bit sorry for Carr, seeing how his debut happened to be on an album that is mostly known for being a disaster. Ace Frehley hated this album and was rarely around when the band was recording it. One listen will reveal why Frehley was frustrated at the direction in which KISS was heading and was dreaming of a solo career. This album is proof that some bands shouldn't be allowed to wander off on their own and record whatever the hell they want. Elder is so worthless that it makes Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park look like high art. Still, there are some songs worth keeping:

1. "Fanfare" (Stanley, Bob Ezrin) = stinker. Ezrin, a few years ago, admitted to having a heavy drug problem when this was recorded. That would explain this track, which sounds like stereotypical chamber music from the Middle Ages.

2. "Just a Boy" (Stanley, Ezrin) = stinker. A ballad featuring a bunch of falsetto warbling from Stanley and one of those choruses that is supposed to be "deep" but is shallow as hell ("I'm no hero / though I wish I could beeeee / For I am just a boy...") Ick.

3. "Odyssey" (Tony Powers) = stinker. "Blah, blah, blah -- odyssey! Something, something, something, snore -- odyssey!" Remember, kids -- if you've got a bad song, make it worse by making it really, really crawl. God help us.

4. "Only You" (Simmons) = stinker. In an interview, Frehley said he listened to Elder for the first time and then smashed the tape up against his wall. That seems to be a logical reaction to pretentious dirges like this slop.

5. "Under the Rose" (Simmons, Carr) = stinker. Were it not for the laughable choruses (i.e., a powerful council saying something very important very loudly, this wouldn't be half bad. As it is, you'll want to pull an "Ace smash" on the disc about halfway through this one.

6. "Dark Light" (Frehley, Simmons, Fig, Lou Reed) = keeper. Thank goodness for Ace Frehley! He put together a demo of this song back in 1976 (it was called "Don't Run" at the time) and pulled it out of mothballs for Elder. Toss in a few lyrics from Lou Reed, an intro that sounds like the Jaws theme, a head-spinning guitar solo and some crunchy, heavy metal chords and you've got a winner.

7. "A World without Heroes" (Stanley, Simmons, Ezrin, Reed) = stinker. A saw a video of this once that featured Gene Simmons crying. Yes, there he was -- demon makeup and all, crying like a five-year-old girl. If that doesn't sum up how ridiculous Elder is, I'm not sure what does.

8. "The Oath" (Stanley, Ezrin, Powers) = stinker. This is what "trudging" sounds like. Good grief.

9. "Mr. Blackwell" (Simmons, Reed) = keeper. Gene Simmons finally gets to growl along like the demon he wants to be over grinding riffs that would make Black Sabbath proud.

10. "Escape from the Island" (Frehley, Carr, Ezrin) = keeper. Hot dog! This instrumental is all sizzling guitar chords, a heavy dose of aggression and a blistering tempo. KISS should have stuck with this kind of thing throughout the disc, honestly.

11. "I" (Simmons, Ezrin) = keeper. A big, swaggering celebration of Simmons' ego, you'll actually thrill as Gene and Paul boast about how great they are. Paul Stanley, meanwhile, provided the most enthusiastic vocals he had in years. Throw in a lyrical reference to "Rock and Roll all Nite" and you've got the kind of fist-pumping anthem for which KISS is known.

Conclusion

Still around? You've got some patience for sure and certain. To sum it all up, I've taken 31 songs from three albums and distilled them down to the 15 songs included on the wonderful, wonderful The Dynasty of the Unmasked Elder. Enjoy.

As if you haven't been tortured enough, here's a track listing of the soon to be famous The Dynasty of the Unmasked Elder:

1. "2,000 Man"
2. "Sure Know Something"
3. "Charisma"
4. "Hard Times"
5. "X-Ray Eyes"
6. "Save Your Love"
7. "Is that You?"
8. "Talk to Me"
9. "Tomorrow"
10. "Two Sides of the Coin"
11. "Torpedo Girl"
12. "Dark Light"
13. "Mr. Blackwell"
14. "Escape from the Island"
15. "I"

A worthy effort

The rumors are true -- The Hawg writes quite a few paid posts.

This isn't one of them.

No, there are just times when a company is so great that I feel compelled to brag on them for free. In this case, the company engaged in a worthy effort is OTRCat.com (Old Time Radio Catalog). I was thinking very highly of Jon over at OTRCat this weekend as my wife, family and I were on a trip to northwest Arkansas to see my nephew graduate from high school.

We took a bunch of Henry Aldrich MP3s with us on the trip and that just made the journey go that much quicker. For those not familiar with old time radio (or "OTR" as its rabid fans call it), those are the shows that emerged in the Golden Age of Radio. Before there was television, people used to gather around the radio for entertainment and, in fact, some of the most classic dramas (Dragnet, Gunsmoke, The Lone Ranger, etc.) and great comedies (Jack Benny Show, Burns & Allen, etc.) started out as radio programs and made the jump to television.

Sadly, we're rapidly losing the generation that grew up on those programs, and Jon is to be commended on his attempts to preserve a part of our history and pass it on to people like me who weren't even alive during the Golden Age of Radio. I got hooked on those shows years ago as my dad and I listened to Lum and Abner reruns on a radio station out of Hot Springs, Ark., in the 1970s and early '80s.

For those who weren't treated with such an introduction to OTR, Jon makes it easy. He offers free downloads on a daily basis, generally has themed programs up for downloads on holidays and regularly has special packages at amazingly low prices. Also, he's got guides over there that instruct people how to get started in the world of OTR. Regardless, the free samples are ideal for those who might have heard of a program but aren't sure they'll like it.

The programs are sold for dirt cheap, the quality is generally better than can be expected (we're talking about really old recordings here, folks) and Jon is a heck of a nice guy (yes, I've ordered programs from him before -- the shipping was quick and the communications with Jon are fantastic). Go pay that site a visit, folks, and you might just discover that collecting old time radio shows is an immensely entertaining and worthwhile hobby.

...worth a thousand words

This weekend, we went up to northwest Arkansas to see my nephew, Jeffery, graduate from Rogers High School with more honors than you can shake a stick at.

The photo here pretty well says it all. Young Jeffery was surprised by the appearance of his father, Jeff, who is currently training to go to Afghanistan. Jeff is a staff sergeant in the Air Force and Jeffery is going to West Point in the fall.

How's that for a military family?

So, congratulations, Jeffery! I'm sure you'll do us all proud.

Kriss Allen wins 'American Idol,' fake kiss still sucks

Another season of American Idol has ended and Arkansas' own Kris Allen is the winner.

Frankly, I've never been all that interested in American Idol, but I kept up with it a bit because a good, Arkansas boy from Conway won it all. So, congratulations to him.

Ah, but I'm not going to spend too much time writing about that as a lot of people more interested in the show than me have already covered it.

No, I'm going to do my usual thing and gripe about something that annoys me. Specifically, I'm good and mad about fake kiss (the lack of capitalization is intentional -- don't bug me about).

During the brief time I spent watching American Idol tonight, I saw Allen's competitor -- Adam Lambert -- on stage singing with fake kiss. What is fake kiss? Not real KISS, that's what.

Of course, KISS in its prime consisted of four members -- Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley and Peter Criss. Yes, those lads dominated the 1970s with their pop metal stylings, but it all went bad one day. Yes, drummer Peter Criss didn't play a note on 1979's Dynasty album and was officially out of the band after 1980's Unmasked was released. Whiz-bang guitarist Ace Frehley, meanwhile, pretty much didn't give a damn what the band did as a result of the truly awful Music from "The Elder" was released in 1981, didn't play a note on 1982's Creatures of the Night and was on his way out the door soon after that album was released.

KISS staggered along for awhile and, in the mid 1990s, the original four members of the band united. Through the 80s and early 1990s, the band wore no makeup and thrilled fans by announcing the original members would put on their full costumes once again and hit the road. Yes, all seemed right with KISS.

Well, except for the fact that Criss and Frehley left the band again. Now, here's where the fake kiss part comes in -- they've been running around for the past few years with Eric Singer dressed up as Frehley and Tommy Thayer wearing the makeup that Criss made famous. Blasphemy! Blasted fake kiss.

The members of fake kiss have announced a new album and I'm already prepared to hate it. Running around with a couple of people pretending to be Frehley and Criss? That just drives me up the damned wall. Lambert deserved to fail just for being on the same stage with fake kiss.

Meanwhile, Frehley is still mixing his next album. I think I'll buy that one instead.

What the hell?

Well, well, well -- more bizarre news out of Washington.

What a surprise.

Of course, President Barack Obama announced some new mileage and emissions standards today that raise a ton of questions. Well, a lot of Americans will get around to pondering those questions after the fun of laughingly waving at SUV and pickup truck owners with Obama stickers on them wears off, at least.

Essentially, we're looking at some pretty stringent fuel economy requirements by 2016 -- 39 MPG on average for cars and 30 MPG on average for SUVs and pickup trucks. The thought, of course, is that car manufacturers will have to come up with vehicles that are smaller, lighter and more efficient.

What's the problem with that? Those of us who have been doing the "right" thing all along will be the ones getting penalized. Hey, my vehicle of choice -- a Toyota Matrix -- is classified as a small SUV and, as such, would meet that 30 MPG average requirement. Why do I drive a Matrix? Because I choose to do so and I've always gone for smaller, more efficient cars (they're cheap, reliable and I can run them to death without feeling any guilt). Obama's lackeys have predicted that cars will cost an average of $1,300 more due to the new regulations. So, I'll buy the kind of vehicle I was going to buy anyway and I'll get to pay more for it. What a bargain.

And let's not forget that we are undoubtedly looking a higher taxes due to the insane bailouts pushed for by both George W. Bush and Obama. Why on earth, then, would the government purposefully go out of its way to make vehicles more expensive, too?

Further, I can't help but think we're being set up in a way. If we look at the history of the American automotive industry, we'll see the big three tend to face major problems when big, gas-guzzling vehicles fall out of favor with the public. Yet, the Big 3 appear to be on board with Obama's latest plan.

Why? Why on earth would they be in support of a plan that seems to push them closer to extinction? A logical answer might be that we're cooking up some protectionism through which tariffs would be slapped on cars made by companies based outside of the U.S. in order to help American companies become more competitive.

That answer makes a lot of sense, really, when you consider the Japanese are far ahead of the Americans on Hybrid technology and GM seems intent on finding a market for its Volt. Let's see -- it will cost $35,000 to $40,000 whereas a base model Prius costs $22,000 and a fully loaded one sells for $27,000. The Prius is a proven vehicle whereas the highly experimental Volt is, well, not. Further, the Volt is one of those weird "plug it into a wall socket" vehicles manufactured by a company that tends to make garbage when out of its comfort zone (remember the Oldsmobile Omega, the Chevy Cavalier and the Chevy Vega?) How do you make the Volt viable in that atmosphere? How do you convince Americans to shell out up to $40,000 on a vehicle that might turn out to be yet another lemon? The answer is simple -- tax the living hell out of the Prius and artificially inflate the price of it. You'd better believe the same government that has spent billions of dollars bailing out GM would be more than willing to blatantly interfere in the free market and rip off consumers on that level.

Hey, a pimp will take some measures to protect his whores, right?

Music Monday -- KISS unplugged!

Here's an oldie but a goodie. Remember that MTV unplugged back in the mid-1990s when the original four members of KISS appeared on the same space for the first time in years? Here's whiz-kid guitarist Ace Frehley and the rest of the lads playing "2,000 Man." Enjoy, and remember that Ace has a new album coming out soon. Good times!

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South Bend cops too gentle

I was reading a story about President Barack Obama's stop at Notre Dame during his Hopes and Dreams '09 tour and couldn't help but feel a little let down by the light treatment the pesky protesters received.

According to an AP story, one of the people resisting Obama's odd appearance at a Catholic university is Norma McCorvey, the plaintiff identified as "Roe" in the Roe V. Wade Supreme Court decision that made abortion legal.

It seems that McCorvey is now one of those anti-abortion types and she went to protest Saint Obama with the intent of getting tossed in jail. However, she said the security hired to keep protesters in line in South Bend, Ind., were downright gentle with her. A cop, seemingly, allowed her to chance to walk away from the scene instead of whopping her upside the head and tossing her in a paddy wagon.

"I didn't know why he just kind of gently moved me away. So I'm like, maybe this isn't the right time," McCorvey said.

I'm downright shocked by all of this. Here in Arkansas, people who opposed Bill Clinton had to put up with some real threats.

We got hooted at by Clinton's "truth squads" when getting anywhere near a polling place when Bill was running against Sheffield Nelson during the 1990 gubernatorial election. The homeless in downtown Little Rock are gathered up and shipped off to God knows where (I think that's somewhere in south Little Rock) when the former president is in town visiting that double-wide trailer that serves as the Clinton presidential library.

And do you think University of Arkansas students were allowed to display the enemy's campaign propaganda when Clinton visted the college during the 1992 and 1996 presidential campaigns? Hell no! There's nothing like the threat of expulsion or the levying of some form of nonsense criminal charge to keep the pesky dissenters in line, is there?

Again, I'm disappointed that those South Bend cops simply refuse to be brutal to the protesters who dare show up and complain about that saintly Obama character. It seems certain that some protesters will get arrested, but where's the inhumane abuse in that? An arrest just lasts for a bit, but some scars inflicted by thugs wearing jackboots last forever.

Pittsburgh Pirates in good shape to set a record!

As I've whined about on this here blog before, I'm a Pittsburgh Pirates fan.

Generally, that is a cause for great shame. The Pirates are terrible and show absolutely no signs of improving one whit.

Ah, but the very source of that shame has turned into a reason for Pirates fans around the nation to feel great pride in that terrible team. Why? Pittsburgh is knocking on the door of destiny -- that little team is on the verge of officially being saddled with the honor of being the worst franchise in professional sports.

How? Pittsburgh has had 16 losing seasons in a row and, as such, is tied with the Philadelphia Phillies for having the worst record in baseball. That's right -- we've not seen a record that horrible since the Phillies piled up 16 losing seasons from 1933-1949. No team in the NBA, NFL or NHL has put up that many consecutive, losing seasons.

If Pittsburgh manages to turn in another losing season, the team will be the only one on professional sports to have 17 horrible seasons in a row. The record-setting Pirates are well on their way to earning the recognition for doing what they do best -- playing really, really terrible baseball.

How bad are they? The Pirates ought to get the word "suck" copyrighted as no one is as terrible as Pittsburgh. Think your team sucks? You're wrong -- Pittsburgh owns the word. If the team was an auto manufacturer it would be Chrysler. If the team was a presidential candidate it would be Mike Dukakis. If the team was a world power in World War II it would be France.

Ah, there were some that thought the Pirates wouldn't make it to that magical 17th season of suckitude. The team started off the year with an 11-7 record, causing some to express doubt that they'd fulfill their destiny of being the worst pro team in the country.

I always had faith in the Pirates, however, and they've silenced all the mean-spirited doubters by quickly dropping the past 12 of 13 games leading them to the current 12-19 record and their well deserved, last place position in the NL Central. Way to stink it up, Pirates! I knew you could do it.

Besides, Pittsburgh has started off hot in a few seasons over the past 17 years and it always end the same. That should come as a surprise to no one. Just have a look at the nobodies that dot the Pirates' roster and you'll understand why I'm certain the team won't disappoint all of us who believe the team will set a record this year. With a bunch of players like that, there's almost no way the team won't fail miserably and achieve immortality in the process.

I'm going to be so bold as to predict that the Pirates will not only blow this season but will tank next year and probably fail a few more times before actually stringing enough wins to finish up above .500. The Pirates have that losing formula down and I can't imagine they'll do a whole lot to change it.

That golden, losing formula works like this. Let's say Pittsburgh has an outstanding player. They will trade that player for, say, three prospects. Let's assume two of those prospects are terrible and one turns out to be spectacular. The terrible prospects will become franchise players while the spectacular one will be traded for more prospects.

The pattern repeats itself every year, thus insuring that Pittsburgh will remain inept almost every year. Such dedication to sucking is to be applauded -- most clubs merely want to win games and reach the World Series, but those lads in Pittsburgh have a different agenda.

No, the owners of that team obviously want to suck worse than any club in the history of professional sports in the United States. They set their goals way on back in 1992 after the team that almost reached the World Series disbanded through free agency. Thanks to those visionaries, the Pirates will -- without a doubt -- set a record that will stand for a long, long time.

Good luck, Pirates! You stink like no one else can or probably ever will. Good job, lads!

Plant theft?

Folks, just what the hell is this world coming to?

A few months ago, my office moved to a new location. There was plenty of landscaping done at the new building and a good chunk of that included a lot of those scrubby little shrubs that are so nondescript that they fade into the background.

Some people took notice of them, however. Last week, a thief ran off with 27 of the things and had to be replaced for $1,400. Who the hell runs around town stealing shrubs? I've learned over the past few days that a lot of shrubs are turning up missing around Little Rock. I wasn't aware there was a black market for shrubbery, but such a thing does apparently exist.

There are two things to learn from this. First of all, my office is in Little Rock and this theft is a great example of why I live in Benton and commute about 20 miles to work everyday. Those Little Rock folks will steal anything that's not tied down.

Second, we were robbed twice. The first time we were ripped off by the company that had the audacity to charge $51.85 per scrubby shrub and the second time was by the folks who loaded those shrubs up in the middle of the night and made off with them.

Actually, we got robbed three times -- we had to pay to have the shrubs replaced to the tune of $51.85 per bush.

As usual, the folks at my organization have overreacted by purchasing a security system that is to be installed soon. I'm not sure how much that system costs, but it's a safe bet it will be worth more than the shrubs it will monitor.

Furthermore, an external security system isn't that hard to thwart. What if the sneaky thieves decide to show up in ski masks and unmarked trucks? What if you capture a couple of people who can't be identified on video and show it to the cops? With the amount of crime in Little Rock, I can't imagine the police will dedicate a lot of resources to tracking down a bunch of shrub thieves.

Maybe the "security system" plan will work fine. Those cameras do come with big, intimidating signs that warn of electronic surveillance. Maybe that threat will be enough to convince the shrub thieves to move on down the road and hit an easier target. What would be a lot cooler, of course, would be a couple of angry dogs patrolling the perimeter. Yeah. That would be a lot cooler than a bunch of easily-tricked video cameras.

Regardless, the mind boggles. $51.85 for a shrub? No wonder people are stealing them all over Little Rock.

Oh, here's another odd thing. My office is located near the FBI building in Little Rock. The thought was the proximity to the feds would effectively cut down on crime in the area. Evidently, that assumption was very wrong.

I do hope our victimized shrubs found a good home after being put on the black market. We can only hope. Thinking otherwise is just too painful.

Music Monday -- New Duncan Imperials

These boys put on the best show I've seen -- I caught them in Fayetteville, Ark., at JR's Lightbulb Club around 1993. The members of the band, of course, are Pigtail Dick (guitar and lead vocals), Skipper Zwakinov (bass and backing vocals) and Mr. Goodtime Dammit (drums). Enjoy!

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Pepsi does something right

Here at Casa de Hawg, we've always hated Pepsi products with a passion.

Pepsi is generally regarded in these parts as "too northern" for us Coke-swilling folks and a lot of us tend to avoid it. Yes, Pepsi was originally developed in North Carolina and Coca-Cola was formulated in Atlanta, but the perception is what it is.

The folks at Pepsi, however, have finally done something absolutely right -- the company makes a cola that is flavored with real sugar instead of that dreadful corn syrup garbage. That's right -- Pepsi Throwback is sweetened with sugar instead of corn rot, and the stuff tastes great.

How great? I'd take this stuff over Coca-Cola and its dreadful corn sweetener any day of the week. It doesn't taste quite so chemical and sickening as the corn syrup stuff. Oddly, the stuff doesn't taste as "thick" as regular Pepsi and it's a bit fizzier. Besides, I get enough industrial-grade chemicals when I drink Diet Coke, so why would I want more of that slop in a regular glass of cola?

Still, I'd love it if Coca-Cola would follow suit and offer Coke sweetened with real sugar. Hopefully that will be the case and people will love the stuff, thus prompting more drinks filled with sugar instead of corn garbage. I hope we're seeing the beginning of a trend here.

Oh, Pepsi has also released Mountain Dew with real sugar, but who cares? Head on over to the Pepsi Throwback site for more information.

By the way, my wife tells me that pouring Pepsi into a Coca-Cola glass is sacrilege. I'll have to do that more often.