Happy Valentine's Day, folks!

Frankly, I've never been a big fan of Valentine's Day.

It's kind of a let down, coming on the heels of Christmas and all. Want to talk about a commercial holiday? You can't beat Valentine's Day for that as it was made up by greeting card companies for the express purpose of guilting people into celebrating their love.

Still, I well remember a Valentine's Day back in 1992 when I had a lot of fun. I was in law school at the time and picked up a box of Michael Jordan Valentines.

Yes, those were those small ones similar to the ones that we passed around in school. The difference, of course, is that they featured the great Michael Jordan blurting out inappropriate phrases.

For example, there was one that pictured Air Jordan in the middle of a slam dunk and saying something like, "You're cool!" What the heck was that about?

Those cards were great because the company that put them out appeared to have grabbed some photos of Jordan and simply plastered phrases that sounded "chummy" on them. Because of the absolute randomness of it all, those cards were even funnier than one I bought for my ex wife that featured a snake celebrating Valentine's Day by trying to buy a rat out of a vending machine.

So, I passed them out to friends. The men thought they were either stupid or funny while the women seemed downright confused that I bothered to waste my money on those things and then hand them out. Regardless, I had fun because people either loved them or hated them.

Now, I was a good boy this year as I bought my wife some roses. I've learned a couple of things about flowers over the years. First of all, buying flowers isn't enough -- they must be sent to a woman while she's at work so she can show them off to other women and, ideally, make a few of them jealous. If you purchase flowers and send them to a woman's home, she can't show them around to people. Also, it seems there's a certain thrill attached with having someone show up and deliver a bunch of flowers to a woman.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years, see, so I've learned a few things such as how to have flowers delivered. The old "send them to work" approach has always worked out well for me.

By the way, I'm a little disappointed that I couldn't send a teddy bear along with the flowers that had the sappiest phrase of all printed on it -- "I love you BEARY much." That phrase is a real rib tickler. A real knee slapper, in fact. The bear I sent along with Marci's flowers is just holding a heart. That's not as kitschy as one that has "I love you BEARY much," of course, but that doesn't matter because my wife likes the bear I picked out just fine.

Second, I've learned to quit wondering why my wife likes flowers so much. Hey, those things are expensive and the die in a hurry, so what's the point?

The point is this -- flowers make my wife very happy, so that's all I need to know. Who wouldn't want a happy wife who is so giddy over receiving flowers that she giggles a bit? Who wouldn't want a wife who is so thrilled at the gesture that she makes something great like cupcakes (hint, hint, Marci) on Valentine's Day?

At any rate, happy Valentine's Day to everyone. I hope you all get to spend the day with someone you love.

Worried about an elderly parent or grandparent?

Back when I was a kid, there was a famous (infamous) commercial in which a grandmotherly type fell, hit a button on her life saving device and was able to call for help.

Ah, but what if that elderly person fell and was hurt so badly she couldn't even reach the button on her life saving device? What if she was so injured she couldn't even press that button?

Fortunately, there are other devices available in the Medical Alarm field that can help the elderly who can't call for help themselves. One of them is the FALL ALERT detector that will automatically alert medical personnel when a person has fallen and can't push a button.

Another is the GPS Tracking Bracelet that is worn on the wrist and features a two-way speakerphone that allows the wearer to call for help. It also has a GPS tracking system that can help authorities track down someone who has gone wandering and can't be located -- very handy for people with ailments such as Alzheimers who have become forgetful.

Those old "push button" devices were handy items that saved more than a few people. Technology, however, has replaced those devices with products that are even more beneficial to the people who rely on them.

The stimulus package is flawed to the core

If I hear one more word about this stimulus package, I may lose my mind.

Actually, I may go nuts if I simply hear the word "stimulus" again. God only knows how irate I'll be if this monster gets passed.

But, of course, we know something will be passed, don't we? After all, we've got few conservatives left in Congress. The moment a Republican president started pushing to bail out our failing U.S. auto industry and was joined in the effort by a Republican running for president, it was pretty clear that fiscal conservatives were a dying breed.

Sure, real conservatives like Ron Paul are howling about this stimulus nonsense, but he's in a true minority. Even Republicans in Congress have picked up on the disturbing theme that the free market needs a major nudge from the government and that throwing good money after bad is a great idea.

For just a second, let's overlook the junk in the stimulus package that has nothing to do with economic growth (i.e., sneaking in some nasty government controls over health care, etc.) and talk about the flawed premise that gave rise to this nonsense. What the government is attempting to do is simply prop up a system that's unsustainable.

Here's the thing. Our entire economy is based on credit and, as such, is an illusion. Things have gotten so odd that prosperity is often viewed as something that can be obtained by those who have a good credit rating. When enough people borrow money like it will never be paid back, they get bitten one day.

Things have gotten so odd that a good number of economists out there have argued against tax cuts by declaring that they won't help because people might be tempted to (gasp!) save money instead of spend it. No, the answer to getting the economy going again is to get credit flowing once again, thus allowing people to borrow more money and get themselves further in debt.

How do we do that? Well, we have the government borrow money from our friends in Japan and China, thus putting the nation further in debt. The problem, of course, is that individuals and governments must make good on their debts one day, yet the government seems perfectly satisfied to delay that day as long as possible.

So we're just about to jump in and push off the inevitable for a bit longer. Still, we can't borrow forever and the longer it takes to learn that fact, the worse things will be when it does come time to satisfy those outstanding debts.

It's worth mentioning that some dramatic, societal changes will have to take place before we can address the nation's real economic problems. I doubt more than a few politicians have the guts to discuss anything else but the quick fix, temporary solution of a stimulus package.

We, as a society, have gotten ourselves in a mess. Look at it this way. If we go back 50 years, a fellow with a solid, middle class job like mine could easily afford to support a wife and a couple of kids. Here in 2009, however, my wife works and we get by just fine by virtue of her income.

What's changed? Taxes have gone through the roof in the past 50 years, the cost of living has increased dramatically and wages haven't risen nearly as much as everything else has. In that environment, it only makes sense that a lot of people have fallen back on credit to augment their incomes.

When you combine the easy availability of credit with the notion that we ought to have everything we want right now, it makes sense that people choose to go deep into debt rather than decide to save up and actually buy stuff with real money. When people can get credit easily, they're less fussy about how much things actually cost, so it's no surprise that we've watched the prices of everything go through the roof.

Take the housing market, for example. The ridiculous gains in values we saw through about 2006 were based -- in part -- on easily available credit. If someone with a pulse and a job can get a "zero down" loan to buy about any home he wants, then that person is less picky about how much the house actually costs.

The same goes for cars and just about anything else. If we're going to rely on growth in credit debt to fuel the economy, the problems that have been playing hell with us right now might get smaller for a time, but they won't vanish. No, they might lie dormant for awhile, but they'll grow larger in time.

In other words, the feds can dump as much money into this economy as they can borrow. The root economic problems, however, will remain.

Watch out for creditors these days

We're hearing about a lot of people defaulting on loans in this economy.

Yes, people who owe money on their homes, cars, credit cards and the like are defaulting or going bankrupt in droves. Considering how rotten the economy is, that's no surprise.

What is a bit surprising, however, is that a number of creditors appear to be adopting the strategy of squeezing the people who are paying to make up for the ones who are not. In a way, that makes sense, but beating on good customers and charging them sneaky late fees, bumping up interest rates and using other tactics to bleed money out of people who have always lived up to their obligations is just plain wrong.

Now, I've heard about some of these rotten tactics and have been arguing with one creditor who's been trying to beat some money out of me lately. Here's what happened.

A couple of years ago, I picked up a Toyota Matrix from a used car lot. Since I didn't bother with a dealership, I wound up financing it through the company the lot used rather than through Toyota.

I've never missed a payment and I've never been late on one. I know this to be true because I pulled my credit report prior to purchasing a 2009 Toyota Sienna for my wife. There's not a late payment to the creditor who holds the loan on my Toyota Matrix on the credit report at all, and I figure the fact we got a loan at a good interest rate through Toyota is proof that my wife and I are doing everything right with regard to our credit.

Now, back in December, my wife mailed the payment for the Matrix off as usual to the finance company in California. About a week later, we got a call from a woman in Memphis who said, "You don't know me, but your car payment was delivered to my house today."

Obviously, the Post Office messed up and the lady was kind enough to forward it along to the finance company with a letter explaining what happened. The finance company called, we explained what happened and the payment showed up a few days later.

Now the finance company has slapped us with a $30 late fee. I got a call from them Monday and said I didn't think I ought to pay that as the late payment wasn't my fault. I said I'd send it along with my next car payment and was told that was fine.

I got a call the next day from someone else at the company demanding that I send in an electronic payment right then. I told her I'd already handled that on Monday and she said she didn't have any record of that and started bugging me about the late fee. I told her to "check your damn records and quit bothering me" and hung up the phone.

I got another call this morning from another person at the finance company about the late fee so I growled at her, too. She said she had no record of anyone calling me on Monday or Tuesday and started howling about the late fee. I wound up cussing a bit at her, told her I didn't want to hear from her company again about such a piddling amount of money and hung up on her after saying I'd add it to the next car payment.

After thinking about it, I think I'll adopt the strategy of screwing with them and seeing just how many times they'll pester me about $30. All three of the calls I mentioned took place on my cell phone while I was at work.

I figure I'm not the only paying customer who has to deal with this nonsense and will feel compelled to mention that some finance companies are getting desperate, pesky and nasty. I would also suggest that everyone takes a look at the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act.

That handy slice of federal law sets out the the rights consumers have and what creditors can and cannot do. Pursuant to that act, I will be sending in a letter to the finance company requesting that they stop calling my cell phone, never call my work phone and communicate with me on my home phone or through the mail if they have a problem. Once a creditor knows that it is not convenient or allowable for them to contact you through work, they must honor requests to stop pestering people at their places of employment. My cell phone is owned by my employer, so I figure I can legitimately ask them not to call it.

Furthermore, I will dispute that I owe any late fee, request a full accounting of any and all late fees owed and ask for reasons why that fee or those fees were charged. If I get another phone call from the finance company on any of the numbers that I have asked them not to call or don't get a full accounting of the fee or fees as requested, I have grounds to turn them over to the feds.

If they want to be jerk bastards I can play that game just fine. Back when I made my living as an attorney, I filed a lot of of bankruptcies and learned to hate creditors with an almost maniacal passion. A good number of creditors like to bully people and push them around because they usually get away with it. Someone who knows their rights under the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act, however, can push right back and raise five kinds of hell.

Marci and The Hawg grow up

My wife, Marci, and I have entered a new phase of parenthood -- we ran out and bought a minivan.

It's a 2009 Toyota Sienna that we brought home tonight. Yes, the van had but 255 miles on it when Marci Kay drove it off the lot and she couldn't be happier.

You can kind of see it in the photo I took. It was dark, raining and foggy, but I suppose that can't be helped. We didn't make it to the car lot until after work and we didn't drive it home until about two hours later. You get the idea from the photo, though -- it's a minivan and, well, there's not a whole lot more to add than that, is there?

I do have a few observations about this vehicle. First of all, I'm stunned that I, The Hawg, now own a minivan. I swore I'd never own one because I've always considered them only slightly less awful than SUVs and I figured I'd always stick with cars.

However, we've got three rows of seats and can separate the kids on car trips. That's a great feature as I'm tired of the kids just warting the hell out of each other if they sit together for more than five minutes.

And this vehicle is ridiculously big. I drive a Toyota Matrix and the Sienna looks as if it could have given birth to my little vehicle. I might as well start calling my car "Junior," in fact. Still, I love my smaller vehicle as I can zip through traffic and my gas mileage is fantastic.

Second, I'm wondering if the "buy American" slogan means anything these days when it comes to vehicles. Apparently, I'm supposed to do my duty by purchasing something from Chrysler, Ford or GM so as to support the U.S. economy and American labor.

However, the Sienna was manufactured in Princeton, Indiana and 90 percent of the parts were made in Canada or the U.S. while only 10 percent came from Japan. It seems as if I did my part in supporting U.S. labor and manufacturing facilities by purchasing this vehicle. I'm not stuck with a piece of junk that will die on me in a couple of years, either.

Finally, buying a car is still a horrible, horrible process. Back when I was in law school, I had a friend who is the son of a wealthy insurance defense attorney. I went with my friend to buy a Ford truck and it was an odd experience as he picked out the truck, signed a couple of things and we left in it after his father told the salesman, "I'll send you a check on Monday."

The whole experience took but a few minutes.

I'm not that lucky. No, my wife and I had to fill out credit applications, provide references, produce a driver's licenses and proof of insurance, show proof of income, etc. Also, Marci and I had to wait, wait, wait while our financial histories were being examined and deals were put together.

In the end, however, Marci wound up with a vehicle she's wanted for a long time and was able to get rid of that Saturn that's served us well for 10 years but is now on its last legs. Heck, this is a responsible vehicle that is great for our family.

Don't think I've grown up too much just because my wife and I own a minivan, however. I've been trying to convince Marci to get one of those "If the van's rockin' don't come knockin'" license plates or bumper stickers to slap on the Sienna. She's resisted such nonsense so far. I'm not surprised.

By the way, if you're ever looking to buy a Toyota in central Arkansas, be sure to head over to Landers Toyota in Little Rock. That's a great bunch of folks over there.

A step toward my destiny?

As I've mentioned before, I used to be a lawyer.

Yes, I practiced for four years and wound up shutting down my office in February 1999 to go back into journalism. I haven't set foot in a courtroom since July 1999 when I had a jury trial (which I won).

For the past few years, I've been a public relations guy and have been thinking about reactivating my Arkansas law license. Why? I'm watching PR guys get cut loose right and left in this wonderful economy and I believe in being prepared.

By the way, I've got all the paperwork to reactivate that license and I figure I might just go through all the steps. The tell me at the Arkansas Supreme Court that I'll have no problem getting my license back, in fact.

I asked them if I could get my money back if it didn't work, and I was told not to worry "unless I'd gotten a bunch of DWIs, had a felony record or something." I've mostly raised kids and worked since I quit practicing law, so no problem there.

Believe it or not, I did a fair job as an attorney most of the time. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss being a swaggering, loud-mouthed bully at least a little bit. I don't, however, miss the long hours, beating money out of people who assumed they could let my bill slide because I was rich (not true at all -- I brought home $150 some weeks) and generally dealing with people who were going through the most traumatic times of their lives.

Never again will I, The Hawg, make my living as a "street lawyer" taking in every case that wanders through the door. I'm too damned old and too damned tired for that kind of life.

At the same time, however, I'm about to hit 40-years-old and that's advanced enough to appear to have some wisdom, yet young enough to do something wacky and get away with it. To that end, I may use my reactivated law degree to fulfill a lifelong ambition -- to be ... The Singing Judge!

Oh, yeah. I could assume the role of Judge The Hawg and host a weekly variety/comedy show which features yuks aplenty and an occasional song by me. Think of it as a bit of throwback to the days of old time radio or the earlier days of television.

Just think of, say, the old Burns & Allen radio show. George Burns and Gracie Allen would do their bit, pause for a song and then go back into the show again. Burns and Allen provided that lightening-quick comedy, see, but a big deal was always made of the song.

It'd be the same thing with my singing judge show. Yes, people would tune in to catch up on their favorite wacky characters around the courthouse such as me, Marjorie the case coordinator (who would be a hot redhead, of course), Sally the bailiff (who would be based on my wife -- ex-Army, tough as nails and cute as a button) and those wacky defendants who would come before me.

And what comedy would be complete without a nemesis? My sworn enemy would be Judge Scoundrel, a weasel that I would constantly refer to as "his dishonor." We could constantly play mean spirited tricks on each other (gavel theft, stealing the bailiffs bullets -- those kinds of hijinks) and I would constantly try to get him removed from the bench.

Then, of course, you'd have the big song in the middle of the show. Picture this, people. Judge The Hawg calls a recess and everyone leaves the courtroom. The lights would go dim, leaving me to sing a great ballad such as "I'm Guilty of Lovin' You" or "I Sentence You to Love Without Parole."

I wouldn't sing all ballads, of course. How about a cover of Warren Zevon's "Disorder in the House" (modified to "Disorder in the Court") or an original called "The Lusty Juror?" Fun, fun.

And on that Zevon song, you'd better believe I'd want Bruce Springsteen to play guitar, just like he did on the original. He'd be the special guest that week, see, as a defendant charged with something zany. And, no, he wouldn't be allowed to pop off about his weird politics.

Look for my dandy show on a network near you!

What the hell is going on here?

Lately, I've been getting a lot of emails at work featuring pictures of animals who are, allegedly, saying cutesy things in some strange, baby talk language.

The photo I've posted here is fairly typical of the kinds of things I've been receiving.

Whenever I've gotten one of these things, I've thought, "Well, there's a person who doesn't know a thing about The Hawg. Those who know me well understand that few things annoy me more than proof that the English language is being dragged through the dirt."

Yesterday, however, my own wife sent me one of these photos. There's someone who understands me very well (the poor woman!), so what gives? I can only conclude that these photos were born of some kind of strange obsession with both animals and schmaltzy cuteness.

So I've joined the craze. I've created some of my own cute animal photos. I hope you all enjoy them.

Truth in advertising?

Someone sent this to me at work today and I just had to share it.

Yes, this little photo might make one laugh so hard he'll break all his furniture. It'll make you LOL, ROFL, ROFLYAO and all those other irritating abbreviations for which the Internet can be blamed.

Frankly, I wish I had some more information about this photo. Why? Assuming someone put a home on the market and actually used such a sign to attract attention to it, there's no way in hell anyone would buy it.

Furthermore, it's safe to assume the individual who would put up such a sign knows damn well that the home will never sell.

That being the case, what would motivate one to put up such a sign? Let's say that Bob is the one who made the sign and put it up in his yard while Joe is the asshole neighbor.

Bob wakes up one morning, looks over at his neighbors house in disgust and notices that Joe has listed his home with a Realtor. If Bob wants to spite the hell out of Joe, can you think of a better way to steer potential buyers away from the property than to put up such a sign?

After all, who wants to buy a house from an asshole? Who wants to buy a home next to a guy crazy enough to stick such a tacky sign in his yard? Bob can have hours of fun ruining Joe's chances of selling his home and -- get this -- all it costs is the price of having a sign made.

Hey, anyone can stick a "for sale" sign in front of his house, right? And here's the best part -- what if Bob gets a great offer on his home, sells it for a profit and moves away from the hated neighbor? Hell, that would just be a bonus.

I do hope that spite was the motivation behind that sign. If so, that just makes it that much funnier.

Again, I do wish I had more information. Oh, well. Musing is fun, too.

Spiffing up that cubicle

At the first of January, my organization moved into a new office.

In some quarters, of course, "progress" is synonymous with replacing large, private offices with cubicles. My cubicle is all drab and corporate, of course, so the time came to spiff it up a bit.

Now, what says "I'm stylin' like Stalin and on the go, go, go!" more than a dandy Iron Maiden poster? So I got the one pictured here and stuck it up in my formerly dull area today.

Now, you'll notice this isn't just any old Iron Maiden poster. No, it's the illustration Maiden used for "The Trooper" single, featuring the iconic Eddie kicking serious ass.

Ah, but this particular poster does more than just drip with awesomeness. No, this poster is a tribute to great literature, folks.

Why? "The Trooper" is based, in part, on Alfred, Lord Tennyson's poem, "The Charge of the Light Brigade." That poem, of course, dramatically recounts the exploits of a brigade of British light dragoons who boldly charged a Russian position during the Battle of Balaclava during the Crimean War.

Ah, the symbolism of it all is just fantastic! Besides, one of the hands reaching up for mercy (and receiving absolutely none from the heroic, doomed Eddie) just puts that icing on the cake, doesn't it?

Now, I could have chosen the "safe" route and put up one of those posters that reads "Hang in there, baby. Friday's coming!" and has a kitten dangling from a limb. I could have also put up one of those things with a snappy slogan like "You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps!"

Those, however, just wouldn't be as outright cool as the Iron Maiden poster I chose. Besides, I do believe I've scored a few points for thriftiness and efficiency with my beautiful poster. The aforementioned organization I work for is fixing to spend thousands of dollars decorating its new building, whereas I picked up my poster for $10 on eBay and improved the entire environment of my little slice of heaven. How's that for leading by example?

For those unfamiliar with the majesty that is "The Trooper," I've included a YouTube video here. That is followed by a fellow who put together an arrangement of the song on a harp. How's that for culture?

The next fashion craze?

Back around 1994, I had to get a pair of glasses.

Yes, it seems that reading all of those books in law school had caused some problems. For some reason, a lot of legal texts are printed in the smallest font available. Those books will cause eyestrain when they're new and get worse with age.

The law library at the University of Arkansas is filled with old books printed in small type that will just ruin the eyes. So I wound up with some trouble in my right eye before I graduated from law school and wore glasses for a couple of years after that.

For some reason, my stellar vision returned a few years later and I got rid of the glasses. But I've always been curious about something -- why did I have eyeglasses when I only had trouble with one eye? Why did I have one lens that corrected my vision and one that did almost nothing? Wouldn't it have made more sense to just give me a monocle?

If I every have the "one bad eye" problem again, I'm going to insist on a monocle and I'm not sure why more people don't wear them. My only guess is that monocles are associated with Nazis, cartoon owls and Mr. Peanut.

Folks, it's time for those vicious stereotypes to fall. I don't give a hoot for them and neither should you. It's time for the monocle to make a resurgence and this is the perfect day and age for that to happen.

Why? Think about it. Everyone is all earth happy these days. "Let's save the earth," they say. "We shouldn't throw junk all over it and pollute it. We need to conserve earth's resources and blah, blah, blah."

For the tree huggers, then, the monocle is the perfect thing to adopt. Why? You use fewer resources that way as you only have one lens instead of two. You've got less metal to worry about, too. That makes, sense, huh?

Besides, monocles are fun. Just imagine this. Let's say I'm wearing a monocle and you come in and tell me something shocking. My eyes go wide in surprise so the monocle pops out and dangles from the little cordy thing that keeps it from hitting the ground. Ah, now that's comedy!

A monocle is the sign of a dapper, well-dressed man, too. Who wouldn't want to be dapper? A monocle is at last as dapper as a pocket watch and even as slick as a pipe.

Hey, here's how I could look extra dapper -- put on a monocle, a tweed jacket and pipe and a vest and pocket watch. Tie all that together with a pair of black and white saddle shoes (red soles, of course) and I'd out dapper everyone in the state. Hell yes!

So, I'll get a monocle if one eye goes bad. Let's say, however, that one eye goes really bad because it gets plucked out by a hawk or something. In that case, I'd get an eye patch and I wouldn't feel bad about it.

There's something to be said for a man who doesn't feel bad about going around looking like a pirate, right? I could refer to everyone as "matey" and listen to sea shanties all day.

So if an eye goes bad or I lose one, I'm covered either way. My brother is an optometrist, so perhaps I'll put him to work on that monocle thing.

The day the music died

Tomorrow, Feb. 3, marks the 50th anniversary of Buddy Holly's death. As everyone ought to know, Holly went down in a small airplane on Feb. 3, 1959 at the young age of 22.

In my opinion, popular music has never recovered from that loss. Holly was one of the rockabilly greats and truly pushed the limits of what could be expressed through rock and roll.

The Beatles worshiped the man, he was part of a generation of entertainers who became popular by writing, playing and singing his own songs and he proved that even someone who was awkward and wore ugly glasses could make the ladies swoon. Hell, one of the reasons the Fender Telecaster is still a popular guitar is that Holly practically made that thing a cultural icon.

How great was Holly? Check out this demo (one of the last things the man recorded) and see for yourself. That's just him sitting in his apartment with a guitar and some recording equipment.

Apparently, I root for the wrong team from Pittsburgh

It's official -- the Pittsburgh Steelers became the first team to win six Super Bowls by beating the Arizona Cardinals in what will go down as one of the great NFL championship games.

I'm a Denver Broncos fan and I was rooting for the Cardinals, but it's really hard to not be happy for the Steelers. That is, without a doubt, one of the finest and hardest-working franchises in the NFL and a team that has earned the respect of football fans everywhere.

Having said all of that, I've come to the conclusion that I root for the wrong team from Pittsburgh. yes, I have the great misfortune of being a Pirates fan and I'm still not sure why I expect the team to do anything but stink and upset me.

It's the same thing every year. I start out following the Pirates closely and then start watching the St. Louis Cardinals in late April or May when the Bucs are mathematically eliminated from the World Series.

How bad are the Pirates? The team hasn't had a winning season since 1992 and hasn't won a World Series since 1979. Rooting for a team like Pittsburgh will cause one to look at fans of the lowly Chicago Cubs and mumble, "Lucky bastards."

Cubs fans, see, have hope and pull for a team that actually manages to post a winning season from time to time. The Pirates, on the other hand, are the Detroit Lions of the MLB.

So, after watching the Steelers tear through the AFC once again, set an NFL record for winning six Super Bowls and generally being the envy of football fans everywhere, I've got to ask one question -- what the hell is going on with the Pirates?

I've heard about enough of that "small market team" nonsense and I'm almost sick of hearing about salary caps. Hey, I'd love to see a salary cap in baseball as I do believe it will lead to more competition -- it's certainly worked out that way in the NFL.

Still, let's take a look at the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, a scrubby team that can afford to pay their starters a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a 1973 Ford Pinto. That's a team that went to the World Series last year in spite of being underfunded and stuck in a small market.

One can only conclude the Tampa Bay management has at least a casual interest in winning, whereas the same can't be said of Pittsburgh. Here's how things go with the Pirates. Let's say Pittsburgh has a great player. The team will trade said great player for, perhaps, three prospects.

Out of those three prospects, let's say that one turns out to be a great player. That one will be traded for more prospects whereas the other two will become franchise players. The Pirates, see, just seem to slit their own throats every year and it's maddening. It's hard to build a solid franchise when you're constantly dealing your talented players away for prospects that will get dealt if they turn out well. I've been watching that perpetual cycle for the past few years and I'm sick of it.

I hope this is the year that the Pirates will learn a lesson or two from their cousins across town and even the Devil Rays. We Pirates fans are just about out of patience.

Ace in Space?

Some of you folks may know about this already, but I thought it was too dandy not to mention.

I was at Ace Frehley's official Web site last night as I want to know when his new album, Anomaly, will be released. I couldn't find out much about the new album other than what the cover art looks like, but I did find something incredible -- Ace Frehley wants to go to outer space.

Yes, according to the Ace to Space site, the legendary Frehley is making plans to go to space, write about the experience, and even record some stuff. Folks, I'm all for it.

I grew up listening to KISS and Ace was always my favorite. Frankly, the band just hasn't been the same without him as who the hell could every replace Ace's "meat and potatoes" guitar licks, laid-back cool and innate sense of what fans want to hear? Just listen to the band's 1980s output and it's pretty obvious that KISS just isn't as much fun without Ace and his magical Gibson Les Paul.

Besides, Ace's shtick was that he was a friendly, visiting alien sent to earth to extend greetings from his home planet and develop a rapport with earth by rocking out on songs like "Parasite," "Dr. Love," "Shock Me" and the unparalleled "Rocket Ride." It only makes sense to actually send the man to space and let his fans revel in his zero-gravity hijinks, doesn't it?

How cool was Rocket Ride? Here's a clip:

So, I'm officially on the "Ace to Space" bandwagon. Get on there yourself. Rarely do you see efforts that combine this much hilarity and awesomeness in equal measure.

Congratulations, Jeffrey!

Over the past year, my nephew has had a lot of decisions to make.

Jeffrey is a high school senior and was considering heading to the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis, after graduation, going to the U.S. Military Academy at West Point or maybe just joining the Marines.

He's off to West Point and members of my wife's family -- the majority of whom are military veterans -- couldn't be prouder. Truth be told, I'm proud of young Jeffrey, too.

Of course, there's not much of a military history to speak of in my family. My dad was in the Navy in the 1960s while my uncle was a Marine in Vietnam. Prior to my dad's generation, members of my family didn't much care for joining the military.

An ancestor fought for the Confederacy during the War Between the States, see, so joining the military was viewed as essentially enlisting to fight for a foreign, occupying power. True story and not surprising considering all the hard feelings in these parts as a result of the Reconstruction.

At any rate. my nephew's decision to use his considerable talents to serve his country is nothing short of commendable. One thing that I thought was particularly dandy is that, last night, Jeffrey got a call from Congressman John Boozman, a Republican from Arkansas' 3rd District.

Boozman called to congratulate Jeffrey on his acceptance to West Point. My nephew applied to West Point through Boozman's office and then go through a highly selective process before he was invited to attend the academy. The fact he made it through all of that says quite a bit about him, doesn't it?

So, congratulations to Jeffrey. I'm sure he'll do well.

What a bailout can't fix

It's time for my wife to get another car.

Yes, that faithful 2000 Saturn that has served us well since we drove it off the lot with 27 miles on it is looking a bit ragged these days. The old gal has 135,000 miles on her and she's starting to show her age.

We were out car shopping a couple of weeks ago when we saw one of those mom and pop lots on the side of the road. So we stopped, looked around a bit and saw a 2007 Chrysler Pacifica.

The mileage was low on the car and the asking price was so small that they might as well have been giving the car away. Furthermore, the vehicle has everything my wife wants -- three rows of seats (so we can separate our two kids on trips), plenty of leather, decent gas mileage and an interior that's so clean that the thing looks new. The previous owner obviously liked a little luxury and got a staggering array of options when the car was originally purchased.

We test drove the car and the thing felt solid as a rock, was comfortable and hugged the road impressively. I have a preference for foreign cars as I drive a Toyota and love the thing. Also, I've never had an American car that made it past around 140,000 miles, but that's not true of a couple of Japanese cars I've owned. Regardless, the Pacifica had everything my wife wanted so I thought we might have found the ideal car for her.

"What do you think," I asked.

"I like it."

"Want to get it?"

"I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"It's American."

My wife is probably going to wind up with a Toyota Highlander or some form of Honda, although we may pay more for the car we eventually decide to buy.

See a problem here? The Pacifica looks great, drives great and suits my wife's needs perfectly. The thing is priced to sell, too, but we're staying away from it due to our experience with American cars. We don't trust them to hold up to normal use and worry about whether Chrysler, GM and Ford will even be around in a few years to service their vehicles.

There's a general perception out there that American vehicles are garbage and that perception, sadly, has been well earned. Oh, the government can throw away billions of dollars on bailing out the American auto industry, but the feds can't do a thing about what consumers want to buy and drive without engaging in some form of severe protectionism (it wouldn't surprise me if the government did just that -- they killed the Volkswagen Beetle in the U.S. that way, after all).

The only group that can change the public's perception of American vehicles is the U.S. auto industry. Sadly, that bunch doesn't seem to be doing much at all to restore our faith in the vehicles they manufacture.

After all, what have we seen that suggests the American auto manufacturers will engage in anything but their normal practices that pushed them close to bankruptcy? Nothing, except for some token things such as promises to get rid of some corporate jets and some noise about the Volt, an overpriced electric car that will hit the market in a couple of years.

It doesn't appear the industry is a bit serious about the radical changes that will have to be made if the public is to rally behind Chrysler, Ford and GM again.

By the way, that pristine Pacifica was still on that little used car lot -- apparently, other people are approaching American vehicles with caution these days, too. Who can blame us?

Stupid, stinking winter

I absolutely detest winter.

That's one of the reasons I love living in Arkansas. Winters are mild and I've seen one foot of snow on the ground maybe three times in my life.

Right now, however, we're dealing with threats of ice and snow across the Natural State and I hate it. An inch or more of ice has fallen in a lot of areas in the northern half of the state and it appears some of that junk may hit here in central Arkansas by morning.

That's a huge problem, of course, as a funny thing happens when you dump a lot of frozen participation on people who aren't used to it -- we Arkies can't drive on this garbage so car wrecks are common when there's any ice at all on the roads. Also, sleet and freezing rain tends to weigh down pine trees, thus causing branches to snap power lines. There's nothing worse than dealing with cold, miserable weather and sitting in a dark house for a few days.

Thank God we've got a fireplace here at Casa de Hawg in case we lose power. There's a funny thing about our fireplace logs, however -- they're magic. I need to find some more of this wood and build a house with it because this stuff doesn't burn worth a damn. If a fire ravages my home, we'd lose everything but those blasted, flame resistant logs.

So I've spent the evening watching the weather, hoping that steady rain outside doesn't turn into sleet at some point, cussing fireplace logs and generally being cold and miserable. Even the central heating in my house is against me -- it's running just fine, but I can't shake that miserable chill I always get when it's too cold and too wet outside.

Frankly, I never understood people who enjoy this slop. I was in Iowa one December for a week and the high temperature during that time was 8 degrees. I'd make some comment about how cold it was and I learned Iowa residents love to brag about how cold it gets.

"This isn't cold," they'd say. "I'll tell you all about cold. Why, there was one winter when it was so cold that the dog froze to death and bloppity, bloppity, blah, blah, blah."

Phooey on that. I did admire something about those winter-loving Iowa folks, though. If a blizzard hit, they'd simply wake up, plow the streets and go about their business like nothing happened. Here in Arkansas, we shut down entire towns for a couple of days if a snowflake hits the ground and sticks.

I do hear people gripe about our hot, humid summers in Arkansas. Again, phooey. If you're too hot, quit being a sissy, put on a pair of shorts and have a glass of iced tea. You can deal with summer, see, but this winter stuff is for the birds. I'd much rather put on a pair of shorts and sweat a little bit then slide across my driveway, attack my windshield with one of those ice scrapers that never seem to work right and dodge maniacs who haven't figured out that a four-wheel-drive vehicle will slide into a ditch the same as any other car when you slam on the brakes.

Fortunately, ice and snow are unusual here as 40 and 50-degree days are common in the winter. Still, we've got a couple of months left to worry about Mother Nature being an absolute bitch and dumping a bunch of ice on us.

I'm looking forward to April.

Yay! More taxes!

I absolutely cringe whenever the Arkansas Legislature goes in session because it generally means some laws are going to be passed that annoy me.

One of the most aggravating pieces of legislation to be discussed this time around is, yes, a new tax. It seems the state needs $88 million a year to improve health care in Arkansas ($27 million would fund a statewide trauma system, while the rest will be spent on God knows what). How does the state plan to raise that money? A bill has been introduced in the legislature that, if passed, will put a 56-cent tax on cigarettes.

Of course, it's popular to kick smokers around, but anyone who knows what's going on in this state ought to object to this thing for at least a couple of reasons.

For one thing, Arkansas is the home of the budget surplus. This session has about $250 million in surplus money to play with -- money that was collected but never allocated to anything. In the 2007 session, the legislature had close to $1 billion in surplus money to blow on various bits of nonsense.

I should point out that the legislature, historically, has met every two years. My fellow Arkansans, however, must be masochists as they voted in November to approve yearly legislative sessions. That's something we'll regret.

But, I digress. Here's my question -- if Arkansas is running budget surpluses that are in the 100s of millions of dollars, why on earth does the state need to collect a new tax? Why not use some of that surplus to cover a trauma center and pay for other programs that will keep us all healthy?

Yeah, I know -- smokers deserved to get taxed because of the health problems they inflict on themselves and blah, blah, blah. Here's the problem, however. If a government that's running sizable surpluses decides there's nothing wrong with raising taxes during a crippling recession for the sheer hell of it, the chances are good they'll crank up those taxes on something you do care about eventually.

Frankly, I get irritated when the state decides to raise taxes on just about anything. They're already taking too much of my money and ought to be talking about tax cuts rather than new taxes. I know a tax cut is out of the question because the government's not exactly known for giving something back after they take it, so I'll settle for the next best thing -- no new taxes on anything.

Then, there's that lottery to consider. Last year, my fellow Arkansans threw logic to the wind and voted for a statewide lottery to fund scholarships. Unless Arkansas is somehow vastly different from the rest of the nation, then the money that is being used for scholarships now will allocated to the general budget and replaced with lottery revenue (in some parts of the world, that's known as a shell game).

Last year, the state set aside $43.7 million for scholarships, so it's safe to assume that $43.7 million will be pulled out of education and shoved in the general budget after the lottery gets rolling in 2010. In other words, a state which routinely runs large budget surpluses has found a way to get its hands on another $43.7 million. Again, we've got plenty of money pouring into the state treasury and simply ought not allow those rascals to pass yet another "just for the hell of it" tax.

Want to build a trauma system? Looks like you've got $43.7 million dollars that will soon be freed up to spend on such things. Need to maintain that trauma system? Again, let's take a look at that $43.7 million. No one seems to give much thought about reallocating money that will certainly be free in a couple of years. The folks in Little Rock seem content to find some way to spend that for various things while hitting the public up for tax revenue. Who gives a damn about fairness, efficiency, responsibility or any of that other junk?

Perhaps the thing that irritates me the most about this new tax is that the bill in support of it was filed just a couple of days after a 3.85 percent pay raise the legislature voted for itself, constitutional officers and judges was passed and signed into law. We've heard a lot of talk about "tough times" and "recessions" coming out of Little Rock since the legislature went into session last week.

Apparently, sacrifices are necessary during these tough times unless you happen to be an elected official. Our politically savvy governor, Mike Beebe, wisely declined his raise. I doubt if anyone else who benefits from that law will exercise such restraint.

Emulation just isn't the same, is it?

Way on back when I was a mere 13-years-old in 1982, I received a TRS-80 Color Computer (the famed CoCo) for Christmas.

That remains my favorite computer. Of course, it wasn't advanced by today's standards in that it came with a mere 16 kilobytes of RAM and hooked up to a television set (monitors were available, but most people just used their TVs). The Motorola 6809 CPU hummed along at a mere .89 megahertz, but a command could be typed in that would double that clock speed -- a trick that was used by a lot of game programmers. You got a 32-column screen, no lower case letters, primitive sound and a mere eight colors that could be displayed on the screen at any one time (some programmers got around that restriction, as I recall).

Programs were loaded from a cassette deck, but people wanting to get really advanced could shell out quite a bit for a disk drive. A lot of us relied on the cassette deck and fell back on "ROM packs" that plugged into the computer's cartridge slot for more advanced games.

I, like everyone else, subscribed to a couple of Color Computer magazines (Rainbow and The Color Computer Magazine were my favorites) and spent a lot of time typing in BASIC programs copied from those magazines and various books. I wrote a lot of basic programs on my own, too. One bit of trivia about those old Color Computer days is that the BASIC was from Microsoft.

That's right. Before Bill Gates took over the world, his company had a lucrative contract with Radio Shack to provide BASIC to the company's line of computers. Microsoft provided BASIC to a lot of other manufacturers, too.

I always have, by the way, admired the discipline programmers had back in the 8-bit era. They didn't have just a lot of memory to work with, so they were efficient out of necessity. A lot of games were in machine code because that ran much faster than anything else. Contrast that era to today when bloated software is typical because memory is no longer an issue and CPUs are fast enough that efficiency is no longer that important.

At any rate, I experienced the fun of putting in a 64 kilobyte RAM upgrade and soldering the jumpers necessary to make my CoCo recognize the expanded memory. I enjoyed that computer and still have fond memories of it, even if it was replaced a year later by an IBM-PC.

The point of all this is that I get sentimental every few years and decide to go the emulator route. I downloaded a copy of M.E.S.S., got the appropriate BIOS sets for it, found a few games here and there and ran an emulated Color Computer 1. I even wrote a very simple BASIC program for the heck of it and you can see the code and the result below:

Unfortunately, using an emulator isn't the same as actually owning some TRS-80 hardware. I reach that conclusion every time I get an emulator so I can feel like I'm messing with a CoCo again, so I'm not sure why I even bother.

The problem, of course, is that the keyboard layout is different, the controllers are different and shuffling disc images around is often more trouble than it's worth. Perhaps I'll break down and buy some hardware again one day.

Some people love emulation, however, whereas some people swear by the original hardware. All fans interested in the old CoCo should visit the Tandy Color Computer Supersite, one of the finest resources on the Internet for that kind of thing.

It's about time

Ah, great things are afoot here in scenic Benton, Ark.

Specifically, there are now three restaurants here in town that sell liquor. I grew up in this town and figured I'd never see such a thing as Saline County has remained dry thanks to years of a combined effort between primarily Baptists and liquor store owners up the road in Pulaski County.

It is not my intention to pick on Baptists. I'll mention more about that in a bit.

At any rate, I figured that we Saline County residents were simply stuck with having to head up to the Pulaski County line to buy alcohol. Thankfully, we can keep some of that money that was going to Little Rock here in Saline County and I'd guess that more restaurants will open here now that they can offer liquor sales and boost those profits.

A couple of years ago, a little restaurant called Dizzy's Grill in Benton got a liquor license and the place has been packed ever since. A few month's ago, Applebee's followed suit and La Hacienda followed suit just this week.

My wife, daughter and I went to La Hacienda tonight and noticed the place was full of people. La Hacienda is one of those locally-owned Mexican restaurants that makes great food and has won an award or two in recognition of the fine cuisine there. The only problem with the place is that business has always been slow.

That wasn't the case tonight, however. There was a crowd in there and the atmosphere was generally festive, thanks to a lot of happy people and a mariachi band that somehow managed to combine "La Bamba" with "Twist and Shout" at one point. Hopefully, the fact that someone can head over there and enjoy a beer with a meal will boost business, help our economy and generally encourage other restaurants to open up here in Benton (we've got about 85,000 people in this county -- it's pitiful that a lot of diners have to head to Little Rock if they want to enjoy the modest pleasure of having a drink with a meal).

By the way, I had a diet Coke with my dinner. I was just happy to see a local establishment doing well tonight and I hope that continues as more people in the mood for a beer after work head to La Hacienda.

I did mention that I wasn't going to pick on Baptists and I meant it. I used to be a Baptist, but converted to Methodist after figuring out I just didn't have a lot in common with my former church (the Baptists may put the fun in fundamentalism, but the denomination just isn't for me).

Regardless, I'd argue that people who dismiss objections about liquor sales from Christian groups such as the Baptists are more than a bit uninformed. Here in the rural South, there was a problem years ago -- men were blowing their paychecks on booze instead of taking care of their families. In that environment, then, it became a social policy of many Baptist churches to stand against that family-destroying practice.

Over time, of course, the anti-alcohol stance of churches became doctrinal to the point that some pastors will tell you that Christ turned water into grape juice instead of wine. That's taking things to the extreme, of course, but it's easy to understand why a good number of Christian groups are still against drinking even in moderation.

I respect that point of view, but I'm glad that we Methodists don't tend to think that way. Saline County is still, unfortunately, dry. However, the fact that some restaurants here can now serve alcohol is a good start. If the day ever comes when liquor stores can open here, we can start keeping all that revenue from alcohol sales in Saline County instead of sending it to Little Rock where it doesn't benefit folks here one bit.

The Hawg goes to the state capitol

The Arkansas Legislature is in session once again and I, The Hawg, had to show up this morning and take pictures.

I've been cautioned against mentioning where I work a time or two as some of my opinions have proven controversial. Fair enough. I'll just mention that I'm a public relations guy for an organization that has a couple of lobbyists running around and talking to state legislators these days.

So I was there to take some photos of our lobbyists visiting with various political types. I'll use some of those photos in my anonymous organization's magazine (one of my jobs is to put that one together -- it's a full-color, 32-page magazine that is shipped bimonthly to about 8,500 people). I took a picture of the Capitol building that will make a great backdrop on a page covering some bills that our subscribers like. Here it is in a scaled, blog-friendly format:

I like that one. The light was just right and I can't help but like the angle. It's missing a little something, however. Let's see...

Oh yeah! Now it's perfect.

By the way, the legislature has traditionally met every two years but it was never unusual for the governor to call special sessions regularly. I liked the fact the legislature held regular sessions only once every two years because it could do less damage that way.

For some reason that is beyond me, however, Arkansas voters passed a measure in November to inflict the legislature on us more often by having them hold a regular session every year. What the hell are some people thinking?

At any rate, I do hope we survive the current session and won't wind up with higher taxes and a bunch of meddlesome, screwball laws when it's all said and done. I doubt we'll be that lucky.

An interview with The Hawg

One of the finest bloggers on the planet, Crotchety from Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars, asked five questions carefully calculated to reveal more about me, The Hawg.

Here are his questions and my answers:

1. What was the craziest prank you ever pulled?

Pumping porn flicks through the cable system in my dorm in college. One of my friends had a theory that if you drank enough, you entered "stealth mode" and no one could see you. After we tested that theory many times by acting like idiots all over campus, we concluded there was some truth to it.

2. More than once you have shown an amazing ability to name things like trees and cats. When did you first realize you had this skill?

As long as I can remember. I blame my mom and dad. My mom is a psychologist who was always reading and my father, also an avid reader, has a doctorate in education and double majored in history and political science while earning his bachelor's degree. Dad is also a poet and my parents have had fun fooling around with the English language for ages. I've inherited that skill (or annoying habit, depending on your point of view).

3. With no professional football teams in the Natural State, how does one decide which professional team to to root for?

The Dallas Cowboys seem to be the team of choice here in Arkansas, which is odd because a lot of Arkansans detest Texas (I'm not one of them -- my wife and I have too many relatives in Texas to dislike the state). I started rooting for the Denver Broncos when I was seven-years-old because I like their uniforms. I stuck with the team after I noticed a lot of Arkansas Razorbacks wound up playing for Denver.

At any rate, a lot of Arkansans have ties to Texas, and that may be why people root for the Cowboys. It doesn't hurt things that the owner of the team is an Arkie.

4. Your posts often feature a lot of music. Did you ever consider a career in any part of the music industry?

Not really. I was a disc jockey at my college radio station (KHDX 93.1 in Conway -- Hendrix College's 10-watt flamethrower!) and spent a year as the program director for it. I also played sloppy rhythm guitar and sang (warbled?) in a band in college, the mighty Wacky Savages (read all about that and hear a couple of songs we wrote and recorded by clicking right here).

5. Due to some crazy scheduling snafu, the Arkansas Razorbacks, Benton High School and the Denver Broncos all kick off at the same time. What do you do?

Ah, that's easy! I'd go see the mighty Benton Panthers with my father. We're both University of Arkansas grads (I got my law degree there), but our first love has always been our first alma mater, Benton High School (we both bleed maroon and gray). Besides, one of my favorite things to do in the fall is go to Friday night football games here in Benton with my dad as that gives us a chance to visit. Just try carrying on a meaningful conversation at a noisy Razorbacks game. It just doesn't work.

That's it! If you'd like to be interviewed, please send me an e-mail by clicking the "E-mail The Hawg" link in my sidebar and I'll come up with five questions personalized to your blog.