Daylight savings time makes me hate the government even more

Yes, daylight savings time was inflicted on us a week ago and I still can't get used to it.

It's the same thing every year. We're directed to "spring forward" and I wind up with headaches, insomnia and exhaustion for a couple of weeks. Daylight savings time messes with me something fierce and I hate everything about it.

I hate waking up when it's still dark outside. I hate feeling wide awake when I should be in bed and dog tired when it's time to get up in the morning and head to work. I hate sleeping until about noon on the weekends because my sleep schedule has been ruined.

And daylight savings time has given me -- and a lot of other Americans, I'm sure -- another reason to dislike George W. Bush. That man pushed for extending daylight savings time so as to save energy, so we've got more weeks do deal with it.

Bush, on some level, has managed to either annoy or infuriate most of us. I hope we Republicans actually nominate an honest-to-goodness conservative in 2012. Conservatives tend to work toward limiting the power of the federal government rather than finding ways to use it to annoy and anger people. Leave that kind of nonsense to the Democrats.

Big changes!

Folks, it's been a busy week around here.

I haven't posted as much on this here blog or kept up my Entrecard drops as much as I should because I've been extremely busy this week. In fact, I may slow down on blogging a bit because of the events of this week, but I'll get to that later.

First of all, I headed to the northeastern part of Arkansas on Wednesday as I was invited to be the keynote speaker cat at a meeting of the Jonesboro Young Professionals Network. As I've mentioned a time or two here, I'm a public relations guy in the real estate industry and was asked to come visit with the group about what's going on in the residential market.

I even got a plaque for my efforts (dig my reflection in that) and had a heck of a time. It was a bit of a sobering experience, however, as I'm pushing 40-years-old and there wasn't a person in that group past the ripe old age of 35. I do hope they got something out of my presentation.

So, there was a day of blogging missed there. I also missed out on Tuesday and most of Monday as I was finishing up a freelancing editing/writing job that I do about four times a year. And, speaking of freelancing, I got a hell of a gig this week that pays well and is a lot of fun -- writing real estate stories for The Daily Record in Little Rock.

I'm excited as can be about that gig because I've been asked to write three stories a week indefinitely. I view that arrangement as the best of both worlds, actually.

Why? I enjoy public relations as it does allow me some creativity and pays quite well. However, I also miss being a reporter and have for some time. Through the Daily Record deal, then, I get to do some honest-to-goodness reporting and still keep my full-time job in the public relations field. And I'll pick up some extra money for doing something that I absolutely love.

Not bad, huh?

Ah, but there's a point to all this. A couple, in fact. First of all, I've noticed that journalism is like anything else these days -- a rotten economy means that a lot of newspapers out there are struggling with finances. So, a good number of papers are reducing editorial staffs and are looking for skilled freelancers to pick up the slack.

For those of you bloggers out there who have thought about entering the great field of journalism, this is a great time to start checking into freelancing for local publications. Give it a shot if you're so inclined. For those of us who like to write, there are few things more satisfying then getting paid for following local news and reporting it.

Second, journalism is changing quite a bit, what with the easy availability of reliable information on the Internet at all. Regardless, there will always be a demand for news and people will be needed to report it. I truly doubt Americans will be content with simply relying on "official sources" for their news.

There is something to be said for people who legitimately attempt to report the facts of matter impartially and I do believe there will always be a market for journalists. How will the news be delivered five or ten years from now? Who knows? But you'd better believe journalism won't drop dead as a field in spite of some predictions about that happening.

Of course, I'll be doing my freelancing on my own time as my employer likely won't appreciate my writing a bunch of stories on their dime. With a full time job and kids, I am fairly busy and those free hours are few and far between. So far, I've filled up a lot of those hours with posting nonsense on this here blog. Now, I'll spend a lot of time filling up those hours with my freelancing gig.

Something will, obviously, have to give somewhere. In order to keep up with the freelancing stuff and do a good job of it, I may slow down on blogging a bit. In other words, I figure on updating things here every other day or so instead of daily.

Now, there's one more thing to mention. There's been a lot of talk about throwing caution to the wind and spending money like maniacs in order to help the economy recover.

To hell with that. I've done my part by picking up a new Toyota Sienna for my wife last month, buying a house a mere three years ago and purchasing a Toyota Matrix a few years ago. I'm keeping my mitts on that freelancing money by sticking it in a savings account in case things absolutely tank and I need a nest egg.

Now, of course, I might run out and pick up some new, snazzy saddle shoes from time to time, but I'm more than a bit suspicious of a government that believes that it -- and all of us -- can spend every dime we can get our hands own, borrow more cash and magically wind up with a strong economy. Isn't that the kind of thinking that got us in this mess in the first place?

Congratulations, Crotchety!

Folks, a milestone worthy of being celebrated has been reached -- the Crotchety Old Man has posted over 500 pearls of wisdom!

We at the Natural State Hawg are thrilled that Crotchety has stuck it out this long and is still going strong.

Actually, I should say that I am proud that Crotchety has stuck it out this long as is still going strong as this blog is a one-man show. However, "we" just sounds better, doesn't it?

At any rate, I feel compelled to mention that I've only been blogging away since July. Crotchety runs one of the first blogs I ran across that caused me to keep visiting. Why? He's a hoot, that's why. And he's OK for a Yankee.

He's so OK, in fact, that he holds down the New Jersey Division of the All Arkie Army. He's so OK that I'd be proud to treat him to a dandy slice of pie at the famed Ed & Kay's here in Benton, Ark., if he ever gets down this way.

He's so OK that some of the visitors over at the All Arkie Army had some nice things to say about Crotchety when I mentioned his upcoming milestone over there. The always glib Don from Beyond Left Field simply sends his congratulations -- perhaps he knows that little more needs to be said about such an acclaimed fellow blogger.

Meanwhile, Patricia Rockwell from both Subjective Soup and Communications Exchange was a bit less concise, but eloquent as ever.

"Hey, I am a fan of Crotchety and all the things he yells at," she said. "Including cars!"

Lot 2 Learn from "I will have the...," "Did I miss something?" et al ran across Crotchety in much the same way that I did.

"I found Crotchety when I first joined blogcatalog about a year ago, and since then I have not missed a post," he said. "I love his take on life, and his outlook on everyday events. Great job, Crotchety!"

As for me, all I can say is that anyone who checks out blogs regularly and doesn't visit Crotchety at least once a day (he's a prolific fellow) is really missing out on something. If he's not posting his dandy "caption this picture" feature on Wednesdays he's describing the fine ways he treats Mrs. Crotchety, talking common sense politics, taking swipes at things he hates and generally just being as entertaining as an evening of shooting rats down at the dump.

So, I extend my congratulations to Crotchety, too, and hope he keeps yelling at those cars for years to come. Go pay him a visit, huh?

Musical Monday -- the Gunbunnies!

Here's a video from a band that formed up the road in Little Rock, relocated to Memphis, released one album (The Paw Paw Patch) in 1990 on Virgin records then quickly vanished.

I apologize in advance for the shaky video quality, but this thing is a bit hard to find. The music is great, however, and it's fun to hear the band's unique brand of Southern, alternative pop. Enjoy!

By the way, make sure to click right here to help me collect some comments to acknowledge the Crotchety Old Man's greatness in time for his 500th post! He's one of the finest bloggers around, so let's honor the boy, huh? Oh, and please click right here to go to RafterJumpOn and give my stuff a thumbs up if you have a minute.

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. One simple rule, leave ONLY the actual post link here. You can grab this code at LJL Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.

Why I like the heck out of paid posting

It seems like the longer I hang around the Internet, the more complaining I hear about paid posting.

I like the heck out of the stuff, frankly. Why? Because I'm just about to the point on Blogvertise where I can buy a very dandy toy and won't feel guilty about it all.

Anyone who is a parent knows what I mean when I talk about the guilt associated with spending money on stuff. No matter how much money I make, I steel feel rotten when I buy myself something instead of purchasing things for the kids.

I do believe parents are genetically inclined to feel such guilt -- otherwise, our kids would wind up in horrible shape as we adults spent everything on having fun. When I got a fat raise at work, that was money used to take care of the family. I just got a nice, long term freelancing gig with a newspaper and that cash will go to (you guessed it) support my family.

Ah, but the money I make off of this here little blog is different! I can spend the hell out of that stuff with no guilt at all. The best thing, of course, is the money I make through taking paid posts heads right to my PayPal account and just sits there until I find something to do with it.

And I've found something to buy, indeed. When I was a kid, I had the best bicycle in the world -- a Schwinn Mag Scrambler that my parents bought me in about 1978. That thing was the Cadillac of BMX bikes and cost a hefty $200 back then (that was back when Schwinn's were top quality and made in the U.S. -- they're all mass produced in China now). Mine was gun metal gray with red mags and my friends and I ruled the neighborhoods on our bikes.

Those were the days, folks, and I've started thinking about getting a bicycle to tool around on in my neighborhood. Yes, my wife could get one, too, and I could well imagine us getting healthy by riding down to Ed & Kay's, a local restaurant here in Benton, Ark., and getting some of that pie with the meringue that's about a foot thick. I know that doesn't promote a healthy lifestyle, but it's better than heading down to Ed & Kay's in a car, isn't it?

So I'm going to buy a bicycle with some of that "blog money." I'll probably head over to the Chainwheel in Little Rock to see what they have on hand, but I've really got my eye set on the Nirve Night Owl that's posted at the top of this post and is a steal at $349.99 with shipping included from Amazon.com.

When you run across paid posts here, then, please bear in mind that they're for a good cause -- money for The Hawg to burn.

Shameless plug!

I went and applied to be a rafter so I can wax poetic about various things. If you have a minute, click right here and give my stuff a thumbs up and leave a comment if you want. Thanks!

A new sink!

One of the things that stinks about owning a house is that things break and the happy homeowner gets to fix them.

Yes, back in the old days, I could always pick up the phone and call the landlord when things went wrong. They magically got fixed and I didn't have to spend a dime or lift a finger.

Those were the days, but things have changed. Just yesterday, tragedy struck at Casa de Hawg -- the faucet in the kitchen sink started leaking and needed to be replaced.

Now, my kitchen sink is evil. Yes, I've fought with it before and I'm sure it has more nastiness in store for your old friend, The Hawg. But, that's beside the point.

The problem with my sink -- other than it being evil -- was that it had a leaky faucet (as I've said) and leaky faucets lead to mold, mildew and rotten walls (which I'm just now saying). Yes, the evil sink had caused the faucet to leak all over the place into the below cabinet.

Now, I could have done the smart thing and called a plumber to take care of the faucet. But I'm too cheap to do something like that, so I decided to replace the faucet myself.

Surprisingly, I was able to replace the faucet with little trouble. My wife, when shopping for faucets, started looking at double-basin sinks to replace the evil one we have. One of these days I might feel adventurous enough to replace the sink and remove that evil from my house.

For today, however, I'm proud to have replaced the faucet with no trouble. I learned how a basin wrench works, that it's not much fun to have water dripping in your face while messing around with a faucet and I may have developed a couple of new cuss words, besides.

Still, I do feel a sense of accomplishment. I'm reminded of when a bunch of us went camping back when I was 22-years-old. For some reason, all of us men took it upon ourselves to run out and find wood to burn while the women stayed back at the campsite.

So we came back with a bunch of firewood declaring, "Look! Look what the men have done! The men have brought wood!"

We didn't impress anyone but ourselves. Sad but true.

Is another revolution on the horizon?

Back in the early days of home computing, hardware was the thing that determined what software someone could run.

I well remember the fierce competition between the likes of Apple, Atari, Commodore, Radio Shack and Texas Instruments. If you bought an Apple 2, the hardware was extremely proprietary -- you could only use software that worked with that specific brand of computer.

Even back in those old eight-bit days, we saw the emergence of something that was subtle yet extremely revolutionary. Companies started to pop up that made computers specifically designed to work with the CP/M operating system. It didn't matter who made the hardware -- the CP/M operating system was sold by Digital Research and any computer that met a certain hardware profile could run that OS. People didn't care if their computers were made by Zenith or Bob's House of Techy Stuff -- they just wanted the operating system in order to take advantage of the software available for it.

Bill Gates over at Microsoft was sharp enough to see what was going on and he took advantage of it. Remember the old IBM-PC? The folks at IBM entered the personal computer market with the old notions that the hardware was what mattered. IBM contracted with Microsoft to provide an operating system, but Microsoft got very lucky in the deal. Why? Because IBM didn't retain the rights to the operating system.

We all know what happened next, right? Clone PCs showed up all over the place. The IBM-PC quickly became the industry standard, but a lot of non-IBM computers were manufactured that could run Microsoft's DOS, thus turning IBM into just one more competitor in an industry it created. You'll notice that IBM has all but vanished from the personal computer industry while Microsoft has just grown.

Frankly, I believe we're seeing another revolution in the works. For years, we've seen operating systems compete for users. The clear winner in that fight has been Microsoft for years because just about everything works with Windows and that's the OS people want. The Apple Macintosh has had some success, of course, and even Linux has attracted a loyal group of users.

However, I'd argue that even what operating system a person uses won't matter much in a few years. Here's what I mean. For the past few years, the Arkansas Realtors Association (ARA) has sold a program through which Realtors can prepare all forms necessary to a real estate transaction. That program has always run under Windows. Got a Macintosh or a Linux machine? Well, that was just too bad -- get Windows or the software just won't run.

This year, the ARA has rolled out an Internet-based program for form preparation, meaning that anyone with an Internet connection can buy a subscription to that service and generate their real estate forms all day long. It doesn't matter if someone has a Windows box, a Macintosh or prefers Linux.

We're seeing the same thing happening with office suites. Go take a look at Google Docs, for example. Want to put together a word processing document, spreadsheet or presentation? If you've got an Internet connection and a modern computer, you can do all of that through Google Docs. You'll find the same wonderful platform independence through one of my favorite services, Evernote. I can take notes all day long at work on my Windows machine and can access them at home on my computer here or through the Internet browser on my wife's iPod Touch.

That, folks, is convenience. When you combine that platform independence with the ability to access your work from any computer or (in some cases) device with an Internet connection, you've got something that could result in a day where we don't automatically run out and buy Windows because it's the only thing that will run the software we want.

That's certainly good news, huh?

Rat terrier? More like 'brat' terrier.

Here's a picture of my miniature rat terrier, Cobb.

He's a 13-pound menace.

Why is Cobb a menace? Over the past week, he has twice used a new, pesky way to wake me up -- by sticking his damned nose in my ear at about 5 a.m.

Here's the thing. Cobb knows to wake me up when he needs to get outside in the morning and go to the bathroom. So I can't exactly yell at him when he does as he's supposed to do, can I?

So the dog has learned two things. First of all, there's no quicker way to get me out of bed by sticking a cold, wet nose straight in my ear. Second, he won't get in trouble for waking me up in such a brutal manner.

I figure the little rascal is doing it all out of spite. He's never exactly warmed up to being trained and often figures out a way to obey but do something obnoxious in the process.

Perhaps I should have gotten a nice, lethargic dog who is both dumber and less devious than Cobb. I do adore the little pest in spite of his scheming ways, however. We got that dog back in September 2006 and since then I've chased him through the neighborhood more than once after he's found a way out of our fence and I've had to put up with him figuring out how to unlatch our back gate and escape. I've bailed him out of the pound, he's peed in my car, Cobb behaves on a leash about as well as a squirrel would, he's managed to lose at least four collars and his shrill, yipping bark has caused one neighbor to hate my guts.

Ah, but it's all part of the joy of owning a dog, isn't it?

Musical Monday -- The Beatles!

The Beatles playing "I Feel Fine" at Shea Stadium back in 1965. Great stuff. Enjoy!

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. One simple rule, leave ONLY the actual post link here. You can grab this code at LJL Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.

The Arkansas Legislature is full of idiots

I urge everyone to take a look at Arkansas House Bill 1339.

Why? Because it's part of a misguided national effort to do away with the Electoral College and replace it with a system through which the president is elected (sort of) by popular vote (in a sense). In other words, your state may have passed such nonsense or may be in the midst of doing just that.

So, what's wrong with the bill? Quite simply, it would deny those of us in smaller states like Arkansas the ability to matter on whit in the presidential election. Why would a candidate campaign here when money would be better spent convincing voters in New York or California to vote one way or another? Under the terms of this mess, Arkansas would simply cast all of her votes in the electoral college to the candidate who won a plurality of votes regardless of how we actually voted. If you can convince the larger states to vote for you, why bother with people in more rural areas like Arkansas that would just be carried along with the majority?

In 2008, for example, Arkansas would have cast her votes for Barack Obama in spite of the fact that John McCain carried this state. In 2000, Arkansas would have cast her votes for Al Gore regardless of the fact that George W. Bush whipped him like a dog in this state. Our six little votes in Arkansas would have been enough to put Gore in the White House, by the way.

Oh, and back in 1960, Richard Nixon would have been named president rather than John F. Kennedy under this scheme. Interestingly enough, Democrats seem to have forgotten that the Electoral College has played to their advantage before -- apparently, that was dandy fine, just as it was OK the mafia delivered Chicago to the Kennedy camp. Turnabout, however, is not fair play as far as those folks are concerned.

The Constitutional problems with this bill -- and others like it across the country -- are obvious. It's also obvious that this effort goes back to a bunch of people who are still upset that Al Gore lost his Supreme Court challenge back in 2000 and Bush was named president. Yes, that's right -- it was Gore who ran to the Supreme Court, asked it to essentially decide the election and then threw a fit when things didn't go his way.

Whether the Electoral College is right or wrong, simply rendering votes worthless across the nation is not the solution to fixing it. Want to get rid of the Electoral College? Join an effort to amend the Constitution rather than going through this sneaky crap and seeking to subvert the process through which presidents are elected. It seems amazing that the Arkansas House has chosen to dilute the limited power we have in selecting a president, but that's exactly what's going on here.

Frankly, I like the Electoral College. Why? Because the "winner takes all" provisions of us give those of us in smaller states at least some voice in a system which could easily be dominated in larger, urban areas. Under the Electoral College, a candidate has to have a message compelling enough to carry the majority of electoral votes rather than just a plurality. In other words, that system gives those of us in Arkansas at least some voice in a government that could easily be pushed along by the whims of people in larger states like California, New York and Texas.

Under this bill that the Arkansas House likes, we're looking at something that's just as bad as the Electoral College is supposed to be, really. It's still a "winner take all" system, but the difference is that a plurality of voters across the nation decides who gets all of our votes rather than Arkansas residents.

As well intentioned as the drive to push the popular vote is, I have a major problem with skirting the Constitution and essentially rendering my vote meaningless. This state didn't support Obama and her votes should not have been cast for Obama.

It's no surprise, of course, that the Arkansas House voted for this mess. After all, the Speaker of the House is a subliterate fool who keeps us updated with his shenanigans through Twitter and prattles on like a petulant, 12-year-old girl.

Fortunately, HB 1339 hasn't passed the Arkansas Senate. With any luck, the Senate will realize the folly of putting something into law which is questionable under the U.S. Constitution and could disenfranchise a lot of voters.

Entrecard top droppers for February

Once again, it's time to recognize the top Entrecard droppers to this here little blog.

These folks -- the amazingly consistent visitors -- are all dandy fine people who are smarter, funnier and sexier than 90 percent of the U.S. population. I thank them all for visiting.

So, here are the top visitors from Entrecard (if you have a blog and you haven't signed up for an Entrecard account yet, head over there and take care of that right now -- you'll be amazed at the increased traffic):

1. Is a mans world

2. ik.my

3. The Junk Drawer

4. Computer Aid

5. Mr. Soleh's Outburst

6. The Way I See It

7. Our Journey to Forever

8. On the Bricks

9. ImamKhalid

10. Epicurean Health

Do yourself a favor and visit all of those fine blogs.

A commercial I hate...

One of the more entertaining blogs out there is The Commercials I Hate.

As you might imagine, you'll find YouTube videos of truly awful commercials and obscenity-laced rants about them. If you haven't visited that blog, you really should -- it's a hoot, indeed.

As it turns out, I hate a lot of commercials, too. So I'm going to swipe the idea from the aforementioned blog (because all of my best ideas have been stolen) and post a commercial that drives me up the wall. Here's the YouTube clip:

Yes, that's the latest ad in a series of bad ads that the obnoxious folks at YellaWood have decided to inflict on the public. In this particular series, an old, hefty guy who calls himself Yella Fella runs around combating outlaws and rotten wood.

The acting is bad, the concept of a "cliffhanger" series of commercials is bad and I'm absolutely sick that the always amusing Riders in the Sky have sold their souls out to those sleazy YellaWood folks. There's not enough liquor on the planet to keep me from flinching when the stiff, ridiculous Yella Fella acts tough, speaks or -- hell -- even appears on my television set.

Want to know why DVRs were invented? So that we could avoid stuff like this. I can't imagine why anyone who saw one of these dreadful ads would think, "Oh, yeah. I'm going to buy something from YellaWood for sure!"

These commercials are so bad I always regret it when I'm watching live television instead of something recorded and face the possibility of seeing one of those awful commercials. If there's any justice in the world, the series will conclude with the Yella Fella being shot dead and buried in a coffin made out of wood so rotten that pieces are falling off the thing as it's being lowered into the ground.

Firefox -- what the heck happened?

Once upon a time, an organization called Mozilla came up with a browser designed to challenge Microsoft's putrid Internet Explorer.

And, so, Firefox was born. Life was good. The Firefox browser was small, fast and considerably more secure than Explorer. Early compatibility problems were ironed out and enthusiastic users developed skins to change the look of the browser and add-ons that made Firefox the most customizable browser on the planet.

I've been a Firefox fan for years, in fact. After messing around with Firefox 3 for the past few months, however, I can't help but wonder what the heck happened?

My light, fast browser has been replaced by a resource-hogging monster that is slow and has definite problems with security. I feel like I'm back in the old Internet Explorer days again and that's no good at all. I believed that Firefox 3 just needed to be updated a few times and things would be great again. That doesn't happen -- if anything, updates have made this browser more problematic than the original Firefox 3 that wasn't compatible with a lot of skins and add-ons from previous versions and took forever to load and run.

What on earth got into the folks at Mozilla? How has success encouraged them to develop something that is almost Microsoft-like in its bloat and the annoyance it causes? Will future editions of Firefox actually be worse? Will another company show up and develop a browser that will be everything Firefox used to be -- light, fast and a magnet for community support?

It would appear we're entering a period in which Firefox's failures have strengthened competitors and have caused at least one new browser to be developed. Apple's Safari has gained some fans as of late and let's not forget that a lot of longtime Opera fans are claiming their browser is just the thing for people who feel let down by Firefox (Opera's good stuff -- I've been messing around with it on my PC and it works very well on my Nintendo Wii, too).

Opera and Safari aren't exactly new, of course. One browser that is very new and works amazingly well is Google Chrome. It seems that Google, as part of the company's overall strategy to rule the world, went and put together a very capable browser that's built on the Safari core. Could it be that Google saw a bunch of irate Firefox fans and decided to cater to it?

If someone would have told me two years ago that I'd grow to hate Firefox almost as much as Internet Explorer, I would have said they were nuts. Sadly, that's exactly what's happened. Mozilla has messed around and has revealed a weakness that competitors appear to be exploiting as we speak.

George Stephanopoulos is a fat head and a hack

As anyone who has been paying attention ought to know by now, President Barack Obama went and addressed Congress on Tuesday. He was talking about the economy and how to fix it by throwing money at it.

I'm not going to talk about that as his address has been dissected all over the place. Besides, I've griped about his economic fixes enough and don't feel like doing it again.

No, I'm going to talk about George "Mouthpiece" Stephanopoulos. I was watching a recap of Obama's speech on ABC's Nightline and noticed, as usual, that Mouthpiece was called on to give an analysis of it all.

Has Mouthpiece ever said "I think Obama got it wrong" or "maybe this guy is totally off base" or "what the hell is he talking about?" Has Stephanopoulos ever been seriously critical of Obama at all?

I don't mind him being an obviously biased jerk as he's always been an obviously biased jerk. However, the man hold himself out to be an "independent journalist" and has found a lot of people in the media willing to back him up on that.

Why is it, then, that partisans on Fox News are accused of political whoring and cheerleading, whereas Mouthpiece is assigned a certain level of credibility for doing essentially the same thing?

Musical Monday -- Blondie!

Here's one of the best from Blondie, "Dreaming," and it's played live. Dig that amazingly busy drummer!

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. One simple rule, leave ONLY the actual post link here. You can grab this code at LJL Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.

M&M'S Premiums aren't half bad

I've always hated M&M'S.

Now, to be fair, I'm not a big fan of milk chocolate. Most of it tastes like cheap chocolate with something to hide. M&M'S tastes like the manufacturers found the cheapest milk chocolate on the planet, spruced it up with a candy shell that comes in various colors and inflicted it on an unsuspecting public. I've always considered M&M'S to be the Chicken McNuggets of the candy world in that I'd probably get physically ill if I knew what was really used to make the stuff.

When I learned that M&M'S were developed during World War II to give to American troops, I assumed that meant the Nazis developed them to stuff down prisoners of war. I'm still not convinced that isn't the case.

Hey, you can wrap substandard milk chocolate in a candy shell all you want and it still tastes like garbage. Go ahead and add a peanut in the center and you've still got low grade milk chocolate surrounded by a candy shell that just tastes like "sweet" and nothing else. The only thing more disgusting than a bunch of M&M'S is a sack full of the slightly more noxious Reese's Pieces (made popular by the lead character in E.T. the Extraterrestrial, another hated product of junk culture).

M&M'S have always been vile, but I found some the other day that aren't half bad -- M&M'S Premiums. I've actually found myself enjoying the Mocha and Raspberry Almond varieties of the stuff. I found some on sale at Kroger's yesterday and picked up a box. I still hate the standard M&M'S, but these Premiums things are pretty good.

The only drawback I can see to these things is that the old slogan -- "They melt in your mouth, not in your hand" -- doesn't really apply. That's OK, though, because they taste just fine.

Besides, that famous slogan is rather a lie, anyway. I've seen more than one kid with various colors melted to his hand after going through a bag of M&M'S. Everything about the standard M&M is a big, fat lie. The Premiums, however, are very impressive. Give them a shot.

Good luck, Conan!

On Friday night, I watched the last episode of Late Night with Conan O' Brien.

Yes, O'Brien took over the Late Night show from David Letterman in 1993 and is scheduled to take over The Tonight Show on May 1 after Jay Leno retires. O'Brien's successor will be Jimmy "About as Funny as Cancer" Fallon.

Now, the 11:30 p.m. time slot on NBC used to be a great thing. Letterman made it a winner and O'Brien continued its success. And, yes, I said 11:30 p.m. because I'm using central time.

With O'Brien heading to the 10:30 p.m. time slot, I can't help but think three things.

1. There isn't a thing worth watching on network television at 11:30 p.m. at night.

2. That's a shame because it will be tough to choose between Letterman and O'Brien at 10:30 p.m.

3. Will Conan get tamed when he takes over The Tonight Show?

Hey, since 1993, fans have delighted as Conan has run around irritating people and making fun of them. He's brought us such fantastic off-color characters as Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and the Masterbating Bear. He spent the last week of his show, in fact, tearing up pieces of his set with a sledgehammer and and axe and handing the rubble out to audience members as souvenirs.

Will he be able to get away with those kind of antics in front of an audience that used to the tame and predictable Jay Leno? That's a real concern, folks, because I remember when Leno was an edgy young comedian who used to show up and raise hell on the Letterman show. That rebellious streak vanished about the time he took over for Johnny Carson.

So I do hope O'Brien doesn't change that much. Now, here's one of his best bits:
Baseball Sketch

Telephones are evil

There are times when I miss the 1970s and 1980s.

Back then, see, we had but one telephone in my parent's house -- it was an ugly yellow thing with a rotary dial. Typically it only rang when someone wanted to get in touch for reasons that wouldn't annoy me.

That's all changed, however, and I've learned that people call me for all kinds of obnoxious reasons. While getting some rest to recover from the flu, I've been annoyed from time to time by telemarketers convinced they had some miracle junk I just had to buy.

Now, understand I don't mind people waking me up so much when I'm home sick. I had a television station call me a couple of times on my cell and that's fine. I'm a public relations guy and that's part of the job.

However, I got a couple of calls that annoyed me to no end. The worst one was from a local publication to which my wife and I used to subscribe. We let our subscription run out a couple of months ago and we've gotten calls a few times a week from the company -- it seems they want us to subscribe again. We tell them "no" and they call back in a day or two and we go through the same nonsense again.

I tried a different approach this time around. A representative of that publication called me again and I, in my best "flu voice," said, "No, we don't want to subscribe. We've told y'all that. Please, I'm sick and I think I might have that nasty bird flu or something. I need my rest."

I got a couple of apologies, but I'm sure I'll hear from them again.

As much as those random telemarketer calls bug me on my home phone, I absolutely hate the ones I get on my cell. I hate cell phones anyway because they simply mean people can reach out and annoy me whenever they get the urge.

I've always hated cell phones, but I really hate the one I have now because of the number that came with it. This phone was provided to me by my office and I got my current number in July 2005. I learned in a hurry that the number was owned by someone who owed a lot of people a lot of money, so I've gotten a bunch of irate calls from bill collectors over the years.

Just last week, someone from XM radio started calling. Now, the XM folks are using a truly obnoxious tactic -- the phone rings and a recording says I need to call XM immediately about my account. I ignored about five of those, but finally returned the call last night. I got stuck on hold for about five minutes and my call got dropped when a human finally got on the line.

I really wonder how many customers XM loses over stuff like that. Satellite radio isn't doing terribly well and tactics like the one XM is using to collect bills probably doesn't help. I'm certain I'll never subscribe to that service, at least.

How on earth did we go from a society that used the telephone for strictly social or important reasons to one where it's common for unsolicited callers to annoy us at will?

Walker is a Jedi!

As I mentioned the other night, I've got a nasty case of the flu.

So I'm staying home for a work for a couple of days and that's a bad thing. Why? Giving me time to think can only result in something obnoxious.

Yes, I've wondered if I got that nasty bird flu, whether anyone but me thinks it's brutal when they clear the homeless out of downtown Little Rock when Bill Clinton comes to town, why I bothered with signing up for the "do not call" list when people delight in calling and waking me up anyway, etc.

I also watch a lot of television. I always have watched a lot of television, but I overdose on the stuff when I'm home sick. So I started thinking about the shows I'm watching in addition to my other bits of musing.

Here's what I've come up with -- Walker is a Jedi with a cowboy hat. Yeah, that's right.

Think about it. A Jedi or two is a force to be reckoned with and the same is true of Walker. I've watched Walker, Texas Ranger for years and I've seen Chuck Norris do some incredible things in that time. For example, he filled in during a NASCAR race and won, can fly an airplane or helicopter with no trouble, he's dispersed an angry, torch-wielding mob and routinely fights his way through gangs.

Also, let's not forget the Jedi preferred to fight with something other than blasters. Walker had rather beat someone senseless than shoot at them. Yeah, there's some similarity there, right?

Let's not forget that the Jedi draw their powers from the mystical Force. He might not have the Force, but Walker is in touch with Native American mysticism and, through it, has managed to travel back in time, locate missing people, find the truth of a case, etc.

And remember how people who get too close to Jedi get in trouble? Luke Skywalker's friends were led into traps at least a couple of times so that Luke might show up and save them. We know how that goes -- Darth Vader would step out, try to convert Luke and then we were off to light saber-battle city. You'll find plenty of bad guys out there trying to use Walker's friends against him, too.

Of course, there are a couple of differences. For one thing, Walker subscribes to the notion of moral absolutism and has no trouble dealing harshly with people who are clearly evil. Things weren't so black and white in Star Wars, were they?

Additionally, that Luke feller sure spent a lot of time whining. Walker wouldn't have put up with that kind of nonsense for a minute. He'd beat Luke like a redheaded stepchild, in fact.

There you go. I'm sure I'll come up with some more useless nonsense before my flu runs its course. I apologize in advance for that.

Flu shots are worthless

I go through the same thing every year.

People get flu shots in the fall and advise me to do the same thing so as to avoid getting sick. I avoid flu shots like the plague because I've gotten two of them over the years and have wound up with a case of the flu every single time.

See, I'd rather roll the dice and not risk getting the flu rather than take a shot and guarantee I'll come down with some strain of the illness.

I now have proof flu shots are garbage -- my 12-year-old son has the flu. Yes, my wife took him to get a flu shot and they poor kid is sick as a dog. His doctor said he has a particularly nasty strain of flu that laughs at those piddling flu shots.

To make matters worse, he went and give his blasted flu to me. Yes, I'm now sick as a dog, too. I certainly appreciate that.

I've got two kids and getting them to share is almost impossible. However, when one of them gets sick that child will share an illness with everyone in the house. Typical.

Musical Monday -- the Darling Buds!

Yes, here's a band that should have been a lot bigger than it was. Enjoy this clip of the Darling Buds with their great song, "Please Yourself."

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. One simple rule, leave ONLY the actual post link here. You can grab this code at LJL Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.




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The high cost of a minivan

As I've mentioned right here, we went out and got my wife, Marci, a Toyota Sienna minivan last week.

She was worried about the car payment on the thing, largely because of the fun we had early in our marriage. Just a few years ago, we were so poor we couldn't pay attention. We were so poor, in fact, that we were were technically "po'," see.

We can swing the monthly payment for my wife's Sienna well enough, but we still remember what it was like to be broke and had rather not return to it. So we decided to cut out a few things, including the cleaning service we hired.

Now, I loved the cleaning service. My life has been one incident of trying to get out of housework after another and that cleaning service helped me realize my lifelong dream of making a mess and getting someone else to take care of it.

Back during the first year of my marriage, see, I was a jerk who refused to do any housework as such tedium interfered with napping and watching football. My wife worked on me and, over time, I took on more and more cleaning chores as we went.

So, a couple of years ago, I was standing in my living room with a mop thinking, "This sucks. I do this every week. I don't want to do this at all. I wonder how much it would cost to have someone else do this stuff?"

I talked to my wife and we wound up hiring a cleaning service. Yes, life was good. The service would appear every other Friday while we were away and I could come home to a clean house after work. It was like magical elves showed up, put my house in order and then retreated. It was a great feeling, indeed.

This weekend, however, I was back where I was two years ago -- I had a mop in my hands and I was dwelling on how much I hate it.


The whole thing started off badly because we haven't seen our mop in some time, so we had to dig the crud-covered thing out of the garage. I figured I had an out because the mop head was absolutely filthy. My wife found a new mop head, however. There was no out for poor ol' The Hawg.

So I wound up mopping the floor and a thought occurred to me -- mopping was invented by the devil. Yes, ol' Scratch himself came up with mopping as a way to get people to sell their souls. I'm almost certain that a few people have sold their souls to get out of mopping. That tricky Satan, however, is a sneaky one and he probably makes them mop in hell for all eternity.

Fortunately, I won't be stuck doing all the mopping this time around. Marci and I have agreed to alternate weekends. The devil and his sneaky, mop-wielding ways haven't gotten me yet and, God willing, they won't get her, either. Still, I can't help but think we're playing with fire as the temptation to get out of mopping is great, indeed.

The Hawg goes to a wrestling tournament

For Valentine's Day, I went to a wrestling tournament with my wife and kids.

Now, this is Arkansas so going to watch wrestling on Valentine's Day might not seem that unusual. Ah, but we weren't watching rasslin' like the pro stuff -- we were watching the Arkansas High School Wrestling Championship.

We were there to see my West Point-bound nephew, Jeffrey -- I've mentioned him before, as some of you good people may remember. Jeffrey (pictured here with his mother) wrestles for Rogers High School, so we made the 20 minute trek from Benton to Little Rock to see how he did in the championship this weekend.

Jeffrey finished fifth in his weight class, so I'd say he did us all proud. His father, Jeff, was beaming as he watched his son take part in a sport he loved as a kid.

Jeff is from Iowa and almost went to college on a wrestling scholarship. Arkansas is relatively new to wrestling and we have 40 high schools with teams so far. Jeff helps coach at Rogers High School and I'd say he's taught his son well.

Now, I can't help but say I was a bit disappointed. Why? I wanted to watch some rasslin' and got none of that. I figured young Jeffrey should come out to some theme music (Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger" or something like that), pick up a microphone and start taunting his opponent. The opponent would get all worked up, then the pair would climb into a steel cage and beat each other senseless.

It didn't happen that way at all. No, the wrestling took place on plain old mats and there wasn't even a ring to hurl opponents out of. The wrestlers had leotards bearing school colors instead of elaborate costumes and the kids were absolutely polite and respectful.

I did notice the coaches were sitting on folding chairs by the mats, so I figured Jeffrey would at least be able to grab one of those chairs and bash an opponent with it. That didn't happen, either.

I suppose all of those theatrics have to wait until a wrestler is able to go pro and start his career of being a loudmouthed rassler. I will encourage young Jeffrey to go that route and will even volunteer to be his manager.

I've got it all figured out, see. We'll take advantage of his West Point training and create a character for him called Kap'n Kill. He will be one of the good guys, of course, and will fight against terrorists, communists, socialists and anyone else who threatens the American way of life. He'll keep society from falling into chaos by whipping opponents in the ring. Folding chairs will fly, folks, and America will be saved on a weekly basis by Kap'n Kill.

I, of course, will be Colonel The Hawg and will appear in a seersucker suit, red bow tie and a pair of black and white saddle shoes. I'll always carry a cane and will use the skills gained from my public relations career to represent Kap'n Kill at press conferences. Those events, by the way, will always be a hoot.

"Well, suh. Y'all are living in a fool's paradise if y'all think anyone can defeat Cap'n Kill," I'll say. "This boy hyah, now he's American through and through and has the benefit of superior military training. He's a winner slogging through a world of losers. Don't get in his way."

Young Jeffrey would take the microphone and bellow threats at whatever poor slob was challenging him that week.

Ah, we'll be stinking rich, my nephew and I.

I do have to pass on one story from this weekend. The wrestling championship started on Friday and I wound up sitting in front of a very loud woman. She had one of those shrill voices that's so painful that my ears blocked out part of it as she bellowed.

"Gooch! Goooooch! Goooooch!" she'd yell as I writhed in pain.

I'm not sure how Gooch made out as I was too annoyed to pay attention. I was glad when the pair of wrestlers I assumed to be Gooch and his opponent quit because I figured the woman would shut up for awhile. I was wrong.

Two other wrestlers showed up and she started yelling her head off for some kid named Jake. I wound up moving down a few rows and could still hear her yelling her fool head off at various points throughout the evening.

The lady didn't show up today, however. Maybe she got a sore throat or was thrown out of the event.

At any rate, I was glad to see young Jeffrey do well this weekend. He's a great kid.

Happy Valentine's Day, folks!

Frankly, I've never been a big fan of Valentine's Day.

It's kind of a let down, coming on the heels of Christmas and all. Want to talk about a commercial holiday? You can't beat Valentine's Day for that as it was made up by greeting card companies for the express purpose of guilting people into celebrating their love.

Still, I well remember a Valentine's Day back in 1992 when I had a lot of fun. I was in law school at the time and picked up a box of Michael Jordan Valentines.

Yes, those were those small ones similar to the ones that we passed around in school. The difference, of course, is that they featured the great Michael Jordan blurting out inappropriate phrases.

For example, there was one that pictured Air Jordan in the middle of a slam dunk and saying something like, "You're cool!" What the heck was that about?

Those cards were great because the company that put them out appeared to have grabbed some photos of Jordan and simply plastered phrases that sounded "chummy" on them. Because of the absolute randomness of it all, those cards were even funnier than one I bought for my ex wife that featured a snake celebrating Valentine's Day by trying to buy a rat out of a vending machine.

So, I passed them out to friends. The men thought they were either stupid or funny while the women seemed downright confused that I bothered to waste my money on those things and then hand them out. Regardless, I had fun because people either loved them or hated them.

Now, I was a good boy this year as I bought my wife some roses. I've learned a couple of things about flowers over the years. First of all, buying flowers isn't enough -- they must be sent to a woman while she's at work so she can show them off to other women and, ideally, make a few of them jealous. If you purchase flowers and send them to a woman's home, she can't show them around to people. Also, it seems there's a certain thrill attached with having someone show up and deliver a bunch of flowers to a woman.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years, see, so I've learned a few things such as how to have flowers delivered. The old "send them to work" approach has always worked out well for me.

By the way, I'm a little disappointed that I couldn't send a teddy bear along with the flowers that had the sappiest phrase of all printed on it -- "I love you BEARY much." That phrase is a real rib tickler. A real knee slapper, in fact. The bear I sent along with Marci's flowers is just holding a heart. That's not as kitschy as one that has "I love you BEARY much," of course, but that doesn't matter because my wife likes the bear I picked out just fine.

Second, I've learned to quit wondering why my wife likes flowers so much. Hey, those things are expensive and the die in a hurry, so what's the point?

The point is this -- flowers make my wife very happy, so that's all I need to know. Who wouldn't want a happy wife who is so giddy over receiving flowers that she giggles a bit? Who wouldn't want a wife who is so thrilled at the gesture that she makes something great like cupcakes (hint, hint, Marci) on Valentine's Day?

At any rate, happy Valentine's Day to everyone. I hope you all get to spend the day with someone you love.

Worried about an elderly parent or grandparent?

Back when I was a kid, there was a famous (infamous) commercial in which a grandmotherly type fell, hit a button on her life saving device and was able to call for help.

Ah, but what if that elderly person fell and was hurt so badly she couldn't even reach the button on her life saving device? What if she was so injured she couldn't even press that button?

Fortunately, there are other devices available in the Medical Alarm field that can help the elderly who can't call for help themselves. One of them is the FALL ALERT detector that will automatically alert medical personnel when a person has fallen and can't push a button.

Another is the GPS Tracking Bracelet that is worn on the wrist and features a two-way speakerphone that allows the wearer to call for help. It also has a GPS tracking system that can help authorities track down someone who has gone wandering and can't be located -- very handy for people with ailments such as Alzheimers who have become forgetful.

Those old "push button" devices were handy items that saved more than a few people. Technology, however, has replaced those devices with products that are even more beneficial to the people who rely on them.

The stimulus package is flawed to the core

If I hear one more word about this stimulus package, I may lose my mind.

Actually, I may go nuts if I simply hear the word "stimulus" again. God only knows how irate I'll be if this monster gets passed.

But, of course, we know something will be passed, don't we? After all, we've got few conservatives left in Congress. The moment a Republican president started pushing to bail out our failing U.S. auto industry and was joined in the effort by a Republican running for president, it was pretty clear that fiscal conservatives were a dying breed.

Sure, real conservatives like Ron Paul are howling about this stimulus nonsense, but he's in a true minority. Even Republicans in Congress have picked up on the disturbing theme that the free market needs a major nudge from the government and that throwing good money after bad is a great idea.

For just a second, let's overlook the junk in the stimulus package that has nothing to do with economic growth (i.e., sneaking in some nasty government controls over health care, etc.) and talk about the flawed premise that gave rise to this nonsense. What the government is attempting to do is simply prop up a system that's unsustainable.

Here's the thing. Our entire economy is based on credit and, as such, is an illusion. Things have gotten so odd that prosperity is often viewed as something that can be obtained by those who have a good credit rating. When enough people borrow money like it will never be paid back, they get bitten one day.

Things have gotten so odd that a good number of economists out there have argued against tax cuts by declaring that they won't help because people might be tempted to (gasp!) save money instead of spend it. No, the answer to getting the economy going again is to get credit flowing once again, thus allowing people to borrow more money and get themselves further in debt.

How do we do that? Well, we have the government borrow money from our friends in Japan and China, thus putting the nation further in debt. The problem, of course, is that individuals and governments must make good on their debts one day, yet the government seems perfectly satisfied to delay that day as long as possible.

So we're just about to jump in and push off the inevitable for a bit longer. Still, we can't borrow forever and the longer it takes to learn that fact, the worse things will be when it does come time to satisfy those outstanding debts.

It's worth mentioning that some dramatic, societal changes will have to take place before we can address the nation's real economic problems. I doubt more than a few politicians have the guts to discuss anything else but the quick fix, temporary solution of a stimulus package.

We, as a society, have gotten ourselves in a mess. Look at it this way. If we go back 50 years, a fellow with a solid, middle class job like mine could easily afford to support a wife and a couple of kids. Here in 2009, however, my wife works and we get by just fine by virtue of her income.

What's changed? Taxes have gone through the roof in the past 50 years, the cost of living has increased dramatically and wages haven't risen nearly as much as everything else has. In that environment, it only makes sense that a lot of people have fallen back on credit to augment their incomes.

When you combine the easy availability of credit with the notion that we ought to have everything we want right now, it makes sense that people choose to go deep into debt rather than decide to save up and actually buy stuff with real money. When people can get credit easily, they're less fussy about how much things actually cost, so it's no surprise that we've watched the prices of everything go through the roof.

Take the housing market, for example. The ridiculous gains in values we saw through about 2006 were based -- in part -- on easily available credit. If someone with a pulse and a job can get a "zero down" loan to buy about any home he wants, then that person is less picky about how much the house actually costs.

The same goes for cars and just about anything else. If we're going to rely on growth in credit debt to fuel the economy, the problems that have been playing hell with us right now might get smaller for a time, but they won't vanish. No, they might lie dormant for awhile, but they'll grow larger in time.

In other words, the feds can dump as much money into this economy as they can borrow. The root economic problems, however, will remain.

Watch out for creditors these days

We're hearing about a lot of people defaulting on loans in this economy.

Yes, people who owe money on their homes, cars, credit cards and the like are defaulting or going bankrupt in droves. Considering how rotten the economy is, that's no surprise.

What is a bit surprising, however, is that a number of creditors appear to be adopting the strategy of squeezing the people who are paying to make up for the ones who are not. In a way, that makes sense, but beating on good customers and charging them sneaky late fees, bumping up interest rates and using other tactics to bleed money out of people who have always lived up to their obligations is just plain wrong.

Now, I've heard about some of these rotten tactics and have been arguing with one creditor who's been trying to beat some money out of me lately. Here's what happened.

A couple of years ago, I picked up a Toyota Matrix from a used car lot. Since I didn't bother with a dealership, I wound up financing it through the company the lot used rather than through Toyota.

I've never missed a payment and I've never been late on one. I know this to be true because I pulled my credit report prior to purchasing a 2009 Toyota Sienna for my wife. There's not a late payment to the creditor who holds the loan on my Toyota Matrix on the credit report at all, and I figure the fact we got a loan at a good interest rate through Toyota is proof that my wife and I are doing everything right with regard to our credit.

Now, back in December, my wife mailed the payment for the Matrix off as usual to the finance company in California. About a week later, we got a call from a woman in Memphis who said, "You don't know me, but your car payment was delivered to my house today."

Obviously, the Post Office messed up and the lady was kind enough to forward it along to the finance company with a letter explaining what happened. The finance company called, we explained what happened and the payment showed up a few days later.

Now the finance company has slapped us with a $30 late fee. I got a call from them Monday and said I didn't think I ought to pay that as the late payment wasn't my fault. I said I'd send it along with my next car payment and was told that was fine.

I got a call the next day from someone else at the company demanding that I send in an electronic payment right then. I told her I'd already handled that on Monday and she said she didn't have any record of that and started bugging me about the late fee. I told her to "check your damn records and quit bothering me" and hung up the phone.

I got another call this morning from another person at the finance company about the late fee so I growled at her, too. She said she had no record of anyone calling me on Monday or Tuesday and started howling about the late fee. I wound up cussing a bit at her, told her I didn't want to hear from her company again about such a piddling amount of money and hung up on her after saying I'd add it to the next car payment.

After thinking about it, I think I'll adopt the strategy of screwing with them and seeing just how many times they'll pester me about $30. All three of the calls I mentioned took place on my cell phone while I was at work.

I figure I'm not the only paying customer who has to deal with this nonsense and will feel compelled to mention that some finance companies are getting desperate, pesky and nasty. I would also suggest that everyone takes a look at the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act.

That handy slice of federal law sets out the the rights consumers have and what creditors can and cannot do. Pursuant to that act, I will be sending in a letter to the finance company requesting that they stop calling my cell phone, never call my work phone and communicate with me on my home phone or through the mail if they have a problem. Once a creditor knows that it is not convenient or allowable for them to contact you through work, they must honor requests to stop pestering people at their places of employment. My cell phone is owned by my employer, so I figure I can legitimately ask them not to call it.

Furthermore, I will dispute that I owe any late fee, request a full accounting of any and all late fees owed and ask for reasons why that fee or those fees were charged. If I get another phone call from the finance company on any of the numbers that I have asked them not to call or don't get a full accounting of the fee or fees as requested, I have grounds to turn them over to the feds.

If they want to be jerk bastards I can play that game just fine. Back when I made my living as an attorney, I filed a lot of of bankruptcies and learned to hate creditors with an almost maniacal passion. A good number of creditors like to bully people and push them around because they usually get away with it. Someone who knows their rights under the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act, however, can push right back and raise five kinds of hell.

Marci and The Hawg grow up

My wife, Marci, and I have entered a new phase of parenthood -- we ran out and bought a minivan.

It's a 2009 Toyota Sienna that we brought home tonight. Yes, the van had but 255 miles on it when Marci Kay drove it off the lot and she couldn't be happier.

You can kind of see it in the photo I took. It was dark, raining and foggy, but I suppose that can't be helped. We didn't make it to the car lot until after work and we didn't drive it home until about two hours later. You get the idea from the photo, though -- it's a minivan and, well, there's not a whole lot more to add than that, is there?

I do have a few observations about this vehicle. First of all, I'm stunned that I, The Hawg, now own a minivan. I swore I'd never own one because I've always considered them only slightly less awful than SUVs and I figured I'd always stick with cars.

However, we've got three rows of seats and can separate the kids on car trips. That's a great feature as I'm tired of the kids just warting the hell out of each other if they sit together for more than five minutes.

And this vehicle is ridiculously big. I drive a Toyota Matrix and the Sienna looks as if it could have given birth to my little vehicle. I might as well start calling my car "Junior," in fact. Still, I love my smaller vehicle as I can zip through traffic and my gas mileage is fantastic.

Second, I'm wondering if the "buy American" slogan means anything these days when it comes to vehicles. Apparently, I'm supposed to do my duty by purchasing something from Chrysler, Ford or GM so as to support the U.S. economy and American labor.

However, the Sienna was manufactured in Princeton, Indiana and 90 percent of the parts were made in Canada or the U.S. while only 10 percent came from Japan. It seems as if I did my part in supporting U.S. labor and manufacturing facilities by purchasing this vehicle. I'm not stuck with a piece of junk that will die on me in a couple of years, either.

Finally, buying a car is still a horrible, horrible process. Back when I was in law school, I had a friend who is the son of a wealthy insurance defense attorney. I went with my friend to buy a Ford truck and it was an odd experience as he picked out the truck, signed a couple of things and we left in it after his father told the salesman, "I'll send you a check on Monday."

The whole experience took but a few minutes.

I'm not that lucky. No, my wife and I had to fill out credit applications, provide references, produce a driver's licenses and proof of insurance, show proof of income, etc. Also, Marci and I had to wait, wait, wait while our financial histories were being examined and deals were put together.

In the end, however, Marci wound up with a vehicle she's wanted for a long time and was able to get rid of that Saturn that's served us well for 10 years but is now on its last legs. Heck, this is a responsible vehicle that is great for our family.

Don't think I've grown up too much just because my wife and I own a minivan, however. I've been trying to convince Marci to get one of those "If the van's rockin' don't come knockin'" license plates or bumper stickers to slap on the Sienna. She's resisted such nonsense so far. I'm not surprised.

By the way, if you're ever looking to buy a Toyota in central Arkansas, be sure to head over to Landers Toyota in Little Rock. That's a great bunch of folks over there.

A step toward my destiny?

As I've mentioned before, I used to be a lawyer.

Yes, I practiced for four years and wound up shutting down my office in February 1999 to go back into journalism. I haven't set foot in a courtroom since July 1999 when I had a jury trial (which I won).

For the past few years, I've been a public relations guy and have been thinking about reactivating my Arkansas law license. Why? I'm watching PR guys get cut loose right and left in this wonderful economy and I believe in being prepared.

By the way, I've got all the paperwork to reactivate that license and I figure I might just go through all the steps. The tell me at the Arkansas Supreme Court that I'll have no problem getting my license back, in fact.

I asked them if I could get my money back if it didn't work, and I was told not to worry "unless I'd gotten a bunch of DWIs, had a felony record or something." I've mostly raised kids and worked since I quit practicing law, so no problem there.

Believe it or not, I did a fair job as an attorney most of the time. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss being a swaggering, loud-mouthed bully at least a little bit. I don't, however, miss the long hours, beating money out of people who assumed they could let my bill slide because I was rich (not true at all -- I brought home $150 some weeks) and generally dealing with people who were going through the most traumatic times of their lives.

Never again will I, The Hawg, make my living as a "street lawyer" taking in every case that wanders through the door. I'm too damned old and too damned tired for that kind of life.

At the same time, however, I'm about to hit 40-years-old and that's advanced enough to appear to have some wisdom, yet young enough to do something wacky and get away with it. To that end, I may use my reactivated law degree to fulfill a lifelong ambition -- to be ... The Singing Judge!

Oh, yeah. I could assume the role of Judge The Hawg and host a weekly variety/comedy show which features yuks aplenty and an occasional song by me. Think of it as a bit of throwback to the days of old time radio or the earlier days of television.

Just think of, say, the old Burns & Allen radio show. George Burns and Gracie Allen would do their bit, pause for a song and then go back into the show again. Burns and Allen provided that lightening-quick comedy, see, but a big deal was always made of the song.

It'd be the same thing with my singing judge show. Yes, people would tune in to catch up on their favorite wacky characters around the courthouse such as me, Marjorie the case coordinator (who would be a hot redhead, of course), Sally the bailiff (who would be based on my wife -- ex-Army, tough as nails and cute as a button) and those wacky defendants who would come before me.

And what comedy would be complete without a nemesis? My sworn enemy would be Judge Scoundrel, a weasel that I would constantly refer to as "his dishonor." We could constantly play mean spirited tricks on each other (gavel theft, stealing the bailiffs bullets -- those kinds of hijinks) and I would constantly try to get him removed from the bench.

Then, of course, you'd have the big song in the middle of the show. Picture this, people. Judge The Hawg calls a recess and everyone leaves the courtroom. The lights would go dim, leaving me to sing a great ballad such as "I'm Guilty of Lovin' You" or "I Sentence You to Love Without Parole."

I wouldn't sing all ballads, of course. How about a cover of Warren Zevon's "Disorder in the House" (modified to "Disorder in the Court") or an original called "The Lusty Juror?" Fun, fun.

And on that Zevon song, you'd better believe I'd want Bruce Springsteen to play guitar, just like he did on the original. He'd be the special guest that week, see, as a defendant charged with something zany. And, no, he wouldn't be allowed to pop off about his weird politics.

Look for my dandy show on a network near you!