The best of The Hawg…

Just the other day, I posted a little something acknowledging the one year anniversary of the Natural State Hawg.

I was content to leave well enough alone with that post, but that wacky Steve from The Axis of Stevil suggested I post some highlights from my one whole year of blogging.

I have decided to go ahead and do just that for at least three reasons – I’m a bit vain; I’ve got a devastating head cold right now and am medicated enough to make questionable decisions; and I’m lazy.

Yes, remember how all those sitcoms would air a “best of” episode every year? Whenever I saw those I believed them to be the result of writers who are very lazy and not afraid to admit it.

“Well, we’re under contract to do another episode, but we’re just not feeling it,” I imagined the writers saying. “Let’s go ahead and repackage some old clips and present them as something new!”

So that’s exactly what I’m doing here. You can blame that Steve fellow. Here are the very few highlights I can find, presented in no particular order:

1. That whole thing with Jeff Foxworthy. I sent Foxworthy a redneck joke last year and got mad when I heard no reply from him after pestering him through email. I got mad and posted a tantrum. Not too long after that, I received a letter and autographed photo from him.

The photo is hanging up in my living room in a cheap frame I got from Wal-Mart (and, yes, I do realize how funny that sounds). I also learned a valuable lesson about blogging – if you do something idiotic and then write passionately about it, people will visit your site.

2. Proving to the world how great rat terriers are. After this post,  who could argue against the notion that the rat terrier is the finest breed of dog on the planet? That post was – and still is – dedicated to my dog, Cobb.

3. International The Hawgmania! I learned another lesson about blogging from this post – bragging about how great you are is very funny, particularly if people think you’re serious.

4. Presidential Candidates. This post gets better with age because I was totally right. McCain and Obama both sucked as candidates – you had an old wishy-washy fellow and a man who stole his “yes we can” slogan from Bob the Builder. We’d be better off with the likes of Alton Brown, Patricia Heaton, John Elway, Mr. T or George Lopez in the White House right now.

Political posts are always great fun because I – by and large – hate the people who are running (ruining?) the country. We haven’t had a great president in this nation since Ronald Reagan and I get a kick out of mentioning that as often as possible. For extra double good fun, check out my “Hillary Clinton is a filthy, stinking liar” post. Beating up on Clintons is always fun as we Arkansans aren’t as sleazy as those rascals. Seriously.

5. Colonel The Hawg? ‘Nuff said.

6. The Benton Panthers won and I met two great bloggers. While at a Benton Panthers game, I met two Conway, Ark., residents and fellow bloggers – Paul and Laura Eilers. Nice folks, those Eilers.

7. My own holiday. Since the UN recognizes a holiday for about every damned day of the year, what’s wrong with establishing Universal Send Cash to The Hawg Day? It would give everyone the chance to dig deep and send some money and that would bring me closer to my dream of quitting my job and watching television all day.

8. How to make soccer popular in the U.S. My brother and I discussed soccer and we came up with the plan to make the sport catch on in the U.S. The key to the whole thing revolves around random and indiscriminate violence. Part 1 of our plan is here and Part 2 is here. Read them both and you, too, will be a believer.

9. Where is my boysenberry? IHOP doesn’t sell boysenberry syrup in central Arkansas. What? I’m understandably upset. So I sent the company an email and even got a response.

10. My cell phone was garbage. The thing broke because it was too flimsy to survive being thrown a few times, kicked and stomped. I hate cell phones. Absolutely hate them.

11. Avoid this shampoo. The Hawg gets a new shampoo. The Kitten goes nuts for it.

12. The Christmas Wrench. What would you do if you had to repair a sink on Christmas eve. Would you do the smart thing and borrow a wrench from a neighbor or sneak past a Wal-Mart employee trying to keep people from entering the store right before it closed? Sneaking around is fun, kids…

13. The end of Twitter? Like Twitter? Get ready for something even more obnoxious – Pretty Pink Pony! Why? Because sending tweets just isn’t sissified enough.

14. Why is Fox News hiding the truth? I love this post primarily because someone got very, very upset over it and made an idiot of himself in my comments section. Here’s the thing about politics – neither party gives a damn about folks like you and me, so going out of your way to defend any bastard politician is generally a waste of time.

15. What the hell is going on here? Sick of all those “LOL cats” photos? I am.

That’s about it. Thanks for a great year, folks. I’ll get the hang of this one of these days. I promise!